


Desvelo

by mlter



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, But gays can marry tho, Clemens Point, Enemies to Lovers, Graphic Description, Let’s say he starts the fic as slightly low honor Arthur, Like it’s still frowned upon in the army and stuff like that, Low Honor Arthur Morgan, M/M, Physical Abuse, Pining, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Some homophobia but not period typical homophobia, Suicidal Thoughts, Tahiti Plans, Verbal Abuse, Violence, Well not really low honor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2020-05-15 09:55:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 28
Words: 89,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19293361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlter/pseuds/mlter
Summary: Kieran Duffy had spend a little over a month with the Van der Linde gang and things hadn’t been as bad as they were with the O’driscolls, or that’s what he thought before Micah decided he wanted to make his life a living hell.Micah loves to wonder how far he can push the O’driscoll boy and Arthur wonders when will he grow some balls to stand up to Micah.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there, I’m Mel and this is the first fic I write alone since about nine years... so it goes without saying I have very little experience writing but I got this idea and really wanted to share it. Another warning, I’m not a native English speaker so please forgive me for any mistakes though the amazing Daovihi has been helping me beta read this. Thank you!
> 
> Anyway, I’ll try to update every Thursday, so come back to check for new chapters! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and thanks for reading!

Kieran’s morning had gone well so far. He had managed to finish most of his chores without getting into trouble or standing in somebody’s way. It was still humid and warm as hell in Clemens Point, but he was starting to get used to it, and in any case, he didn’t miss Horseshoe Overlook that much. He was glad that he didn’t have to see that tree he spent days tied up to anymore.

After he finished cleaning up after the horses, he decided to practice a braid on Branwen’s mane as a way to kill his free time before somebody asked him to do something else. He appreciated the little moments he got to spend with his horse, and she seemed just as happy to have Kieran’s attention. Usually she would snort at him whenever he walked by or even try to steal his hat if she was close enough, all just to get her favorite human to brush her for a bit or give her a treat. And more often than not Kieran gave in and went to her before someone yelled at him to get back to work.

He was trying to detangle a knot in her mane with his fingers when the peace and quiet was ruined by Micah’s voice calling his name from across camp. It didn’t sound particularly urgent, but then again, it was Micah, and Kieran had learned the hard way not to make him wait. 

Kieran sighed. He could already feel his hands starting to sweat and his heart racing. It was inevitable to react like that whenever he had to be near him. It didn’t matter that Kieran did everything he wanted, Micah would always find something to complain about and punish him for it. Kieran was certain this time wouldn’t be any different.

He found Micah leaning on one of the trees behind the medicine cart. He was sharpening a hunting knife and that immediately put Kieran on edge. He wondered for a moment with what kind of things Micah could get away with if he decided to use that knife on him. Maybe it was starting to be time to tell someone about his abusive behavior but, would anyone even care? Kieran was so nervous about the knife he barely noticed Bill napping a few steps away from them. 

“Yes, Mr Bell?” Kieran gulped, his arms crossing over his stomach as if expecting a punch any minute, or maybe a stab… 

“You haven't been talking to your O'driscoll friends, have you?” Micah asked, pointing the sharp blade in Kieran’s direction as he spoke. 

“What? No! Of course not!” Kieran’s panicked voice was loud enough to wake Bill up. He groaned, which made Kieran jump a little as he hadn’t seen him there, and turned to him with a frown. 

“Do you have any idea what we will do to you if we find out you’re still in touch with them?” 

“Did he talk to someone?” Bill asked, abruptly entering their conversation.

If Kieran was nervous before, he was practically in panic now that Bill was participating and thinking he had talked to the O’driscolls. Kieran was very aware of how much Bill hated them, he had listened many times the story of how a few gang members had ambushed one of their camps, and how Bill had taken one of the O’driscolls and stabbed him repeatedly in the… well, in a very uncomfortable place. Strangely enough, even with all that hate, Bill didn’t attack Kieran as much as Micah did. Just the occasional shove or glare, but maybe that was about to change.

Micah took one look at Kieran’s frightened face and he chuckled. “He might've, I think he has been acting very suspicious lately, he-” 

“I didn't! I swear, I haven't even left the camp I-” Kieran didn’t get to finish his sentence. Micah’s heavy hand struck him across the face and It was such a hard slap that he almost fell back on his ass. He had become so familiar with that type of burning pain, but that didn’t make it any less awful. 

“Don't fucking interrupt me.” 

Kieran's eyes stung, he could only hold his cheek and stare at the ground in shame. He didn't say anything, just kept facing down as hot tears poured from his eyes. 

“Get out of here.” Micah said at last and Kieran didn't wait to be told a second time, he was out of there quickly, ignoring the few stares he got from Lenny and Javier on his way back to the hitching posts. 

His fingertips grazed his cheek and he frowned at the contact. If he could look at himself in a mirror he’s certain he’d see a bright red mark on his skin. He must’ve looked pathetic, maybe it was for the best he couldn’t see himself. 

He fixed his hair in a way that it covered the left side of his face and he picked up one of the saddles that looked dirty. Sitting on his usual spot by the fire, he tried to forget everything with more work.

The pain was hard to ignore, but trying to ignore the shame was worse. The burning sensation on his cheek would disappear in a few minutes, but each time it got harder to look at Micah in the eye. Even just thinking of him made him want to cry again, so he had to take a few deep breaths to make sure his tears didn’t spill. 

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve when he heard footsteps approaching, and felt immense relief when he saw a different pair of boots poking from under the brim of his hat.

“You almost done with that?” The raspy familiar voice asked him, and Kieran hesitantly looked up at John. 

As usual, Kieran’s eyes involuntarily landed first on John’s scars, but immediately after he looked away. He didn’t mean to do it, and he was trying to train himself out of it so he wouldn’t be rude, but they were just so deep, and they stood out with the way they interrupted the cheek line of his beard. Kieran wondered for a moment if John had glanced at the mark the slap had left on his cheek the same way Kieran had noticed his scars, but even if he did, he didn’t seem like he cared enough to ask. 

“Y-yes… do you need it now?”

“Yeah, I‘m goin’ out with Arthur in a bit.” John said as he sat down on one of the stools by the fire, right next to Kieran. 

“Ok then, I won’t take long.”

“Mhm.” 

Kieran tried his best to finish cleaning up the saddle despite John’s eyes being glued on him. He wasn’t particularly scared of John, despite the fact that he used to be mean to him back when he was still tied up to that tree. He would occasionally threaten to hurt him if he didn’t give them information about the O’Driscolls, but John never went through with any of those threats. Maybe he felt pity because of the way Kieran would start crying. But now, with how easily Kieran earned hits, slaps or punches from Micah for no reason, he was scared he would do something wrong, and John would punish him the same way.

He worked fast, but making sure he did it right. He couldn’t afford to make another mistake. He didn’t want more pain.

“Marston! C’mon, we’re leavin’!” Arthur yelled not too far from them, and John got up, putting out his cigarette on the ground and yanking the saddle away from Kieran, making him flinch. 

“Hold on! Shit.” John didn’t even look at Kieran as he walked away. Maybe he should’ve felt upset or hurt that John didn’t even thank him, but Kieran was just glad to be alone again. 

He looked at the two of them, Arthur snapping his fingers at John and John answering with a curse as he saddled up his horse. Arthur just laughed and continued teasing him, now with the help of Javier, who chuckled next to him. 

Kieran couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous of Arthur. Of everyone else really, but mostly him. He seemed so carefree and confident. He could even tease others. Kieran wished he could be like that… part of the group, allowed to make jokes, respected… He just didn't want to be the ‘O’driscoll boy’ anymore. That nickname just seemed to give everyone an excuse to treat him like garbage. He never wanted to be a fucking O’driscoll in the first place.

He was still staring at Arthur when suddenly he turned to look at him. Kieran held his gaze for a few seconds, and it only took Arthur frowning a little for Kieran to look away and get up. Why was it so easy to piss everyone off? It was like he couldn't even breathe without one of the Van der Lindes finding it offensive.

The rest of the day went by without any more incidents. He helped around as much as he could to keep himself busy and to still try to get on the gang’s good side, but as usual, all his efforts were ignored, so he resigned himself and sat down against a tree with a bowl of whatever it is that Mr. Pearson had made that day, which honestly looked like what he had been cooking everyday for the past month. He couldn't complain, it was definitely better than what he used to have with his old gang. 

He had just started eating when someone put their hand on his shoulder making him jump a little. He immediately knew who it was. No one else invaded his personal space like that, or purposefully tried to frighten him any chance he got. Micah smiled and gently tucked Kieran’s hair behind his ear, then he made Kieran’s skin crawl with the way he softly touched his damaged cheek.

“Ah… see? It’s all good, I barely left a mark.”

He doubted that was true but he didn't say anything he just stared at his bowl and prayed that Micah would stop touching him soon. He would push him away, but that was a bad idea, he had a dark bruise on his belly from the last time he tried that. 

“I didn't talk to any Odriscolls… I swear… “ He felt the need to remind him in case Micah had come to continue the interrogation. 

“Oh I know, I was just playing with you.” 

Kieran had to use all his self control in order not to glare at him. If it wasn't because Micah was more important to the gang than him, he would have tried to kill him long time ago. Maybe even used Bill’s method to do it. 

“And believe me, I’m sorry about the slap. It’s just you get on my nerves sometimes.” Micah smiled again and gave Kieran a pat on the cheek before sitting next to him. ”But you’ve improved. I can almost tolerate you now.” He chuckled and stared closely at Kieran, but he didn’t laugh. “Alright, alright. I see you’re not in the mood. I guess I’ll just go ahead and say what I came here to talk about.” Micah wrapped his arm around Kieran’s shoulders in a way that tried to be friendly, but to Kieran, it just felt like a leash being placed on his neck, holding him in place so he couldn't run away, which was exactly what he wanted to do. “I have a job for you.” 

Kieran didn't look up, and he didn't ask. He just tilted his head slightly towards him to show that he was listening. Just like he had been trained to do, even if he didn't give a shit about whatever it is that Micah was trying to say.

“Way more exciting than cleaning horse shit all day, and there might be something in it for you too.” Micah squeezed his shoulder, and Kieran wanted nothing more than to push his hands away from him. “There’s this small group of Lemoyne raiders that have their hideout not too far from here. Those bastards have stolen a lot of money lately, and I finally found where they are hiding it. So I say we take it. Well, I was thinking you could do it.”

To Kieran, that ‘job offer’ had ‘bad idea’ written all over it. Even if Micah was telling the truth, and it was actually a good opportunity, he didn't want to do shit for him. Kieran was going to let him know right away, but in a way that hopefully wouldn't get him punched again. 

“I don’t know, it sounds-“

“God fucking damn it, O’driscoll!” Micah suddenly yelled, making Kieran freeze and immediately shut up. He felt so stupid, even if he didn't know what he did wrong. “Didn’t we just go over this? Huh?! Fucking let me finish!”

“I’m sorry…”

“Yeah you’ll be if you interrupt me again.” Micah sighed and rubbed his face for a bit. “As I was saying, these guys have hidden their money pretty well but I’ve found the place. What I was thinking is that you could go every few days, take some of the money so they don't get suspicious, and move it to another place only you and I will know about. I’ll let you keep a small part of it once we get all of it. So what do you say?”

Kieran opened his mouth to say something and then closed it again until he felt Micah getting impatient.

“Why do you want me to do it…? Don't you want all the money to yourself?”

“Well, of course I want more money, but I’m too damn busy with all these side jobs Dutch wants me to take care of. And believe it or not, I trust you more than any of those idiots. You know how to keep a secret, don't you?” 

Micah carressed Kieran’s cheek again, and even though it made him feel disgusted, Kieran didn't move away. He was busy thinking of all the possible outcomes of saying ‘no’. In his head most of them ended with him bleeding. 

He was about to accept out of fear when Micah spoke again, but in a sweet tone this time.

“I know… you may not trust me, especially after the little disagreement we had this morning. But I know you can do this, Kieran. It's a simple job. The place isn't even guarded. Don't you want Dutch and everyone here to see that you’re capable of pulling your own weight? Hell, if you do this right, you’ll probably be going out on jobs with the rest of us! You’ll be Kieran Van der Linde before you know it!”

Kieran slowly looked up for the first time and there was that horrible smile again. He considered the offer for a moment. Maybe if he gained everyone’s respect, Micah would stop abusing him. He would do anything to get him off his back… But was it worth it trusting him? 

“Tell you what, O’driscoll. I’ll let you think about it, and you can tell me what you decide tomorrow.” Micah got up and stretched with a groan. When he turned back to look at Kieran, that friendly smile had vanished. “But not a single fucking word of this to anyone, you hear?” 

Kieran nodded and let out a big sigh once Micah was gone. He set his bowl to the side and didn't even look at it again, his appetite was now completely gone.


	2. Chapter 2

It was early in the morning when someone nudged him with their boot, making Kieran wake up with a startle.

“Wh- what? What is it?” He looked up at the shadow standing over him, and he only recognized it as Sean when he heard his accent.

“Come take a look at Ennis, she’s been acting weird.” 

Kieran squinted up at the sky. The sun wasn’t even out yet. Maybe if a horse wasn’t involved, Kieran would’ve tried to tell Sean he’d help him later, but those sweet animals needed him, and he wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt if he ignored them.

He got up with a groan. It was still a damn shame that he had to be up again when it had been so hard to fall asleep. 

“What are you doing up so early?” Kieran mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. Despite trying to be careful, he still bumped into one of the hitching posts, and he cursed under his breath.

“I was on guard duty. After I finished, I took her for a ride, but she hasn't stopped snorting and whining ever since we came back.” 

Kieran didn’t understand why someone would want to go for a ride so late at night in those parts, the whole state Lemoyne seemed a very mysterious and scary place, even in daylight. Especially those damn swamps. Maybe Sean’s horse was just spooked from something she saw out there… 

Ennis was cranky, as Sean had described her, and Kieran talked softly as he approached her to hopefully avoid getting kicked. As good as he was with horses, they were sometimes unpredictable, and would not hesitate to throw a kick his way if they felt threatened or stressed. Though Kieran suspected that The Count just did it for fun. 

Kieran called her name quietly and looked for a treat in his pocket. He always carried those around for Branwen, but he was sure she wouldn’t mind sharing. Ennis started sniffing his hand until she found the treat and ate it. 

“Good girl.” Kieran smiled and patted her neck. 

“Yer supposed to check her, not become her best friend.” Sean complained, already running out of patience. 

“I’m trying not to get kicked, can’t exactly start grabbing her out of nowhere.” Kieran explained. He knew Sean was rolling his eyes, even if he couldn’t see him. “It's still pretty dark… do you have a lamp?” Kieran asked, looking around.

“Yeah, hold on.” Sean lit one and handed it to Kieran.

“Shh, shh, it's ok, girl. What's wrong?” Kieran petted her neck, and the first place he looked was her legs and hooves. It didn’t take him long to find the problem. “Uh… Sean? She lost a shoe.”

“Aw shit. Really? What now?”

“I think there might be a farrier In Rhodes, but I’m not sure. You might have more luck at the stable near Dewberry Creek, or at Emerald Ranch.”

“Can’t you just put it back on?”

“Well, sure, I could try to put the shoe back on if it wasn't too damaged, but you need the one that’s fitted for her, not just any other shoe, and since you didn't even notice it was missing, I doubt you’ll find it now…” 

“Oh, so you’re calling me stupid? It was fucking dark! Of course I wouldn't notice!” Sean raised his voice and got closer to Kieran’s face.

“Wh- no! I didn't- I didn't mean you're-” 

“Ye better not you stupid shit.” Sean shoved him, and since Kieran wasn’t sure if leaving would anger him more, he just stood there. “Well? Thanks for fucking nothing, now get out of here O'driscoll!”

“I-I can put something on her hoof to protect it for now, it could get-“

“I’ll do it myself.” Sean ended the conversation by turning his back on him, and Kieran decided it was better to just let it be. He glanced at Ennis, he was worried for her, maybe he could go back later to fix whatever Sean ended up doing on her hoof. He wouldn’t want her to get injured because of him.

He wasn’t going to pretend Sean’s words didn’t hurt, but at least he didn’t hit him, and for that he was thankful. He left quietly after that and went back to his spot under the tree. 

It was exhausting, dealing with the other members, he was tired of people being rude to him, of the yelling, the insults, the jokes, and the bullying. All he ever did was try to please them, only for them to treat him like shit. But what other options did he have? He was not sure the O’driscolls would receive him with open arms after Six Point Cabin… 

But there wasn't nothing else he could do at the moment… maybe it was just a matter of time before they warmed up to him and started treating him like a person. He really wanted to believe that. 

He closed his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, at least until the sun finally came out. The next few hours were spent shifting in search of a comfortable position and trying to relax, but nothing worked. He felt frustrated and desperate, he was certain that the lack of sleep would make him go insane soon. He couldn’t remember the last time that he got to sleep for more than a couple of hours. It had been like that for weeks, and the previous night was even worse thanks to Micah. He couldn't stop thinking about what he had said, and how he expected an answer the following day. Kieran gulped as he realized that any moment now, he would come to get his answer, and Kieran still had no idea what to say to him. 

The way Micah treated him should’ve been enough reason to reject his “job” offer. Micah had been nothing but an asshole to him, ever since he joined the gang, so Kieran didn’t understand why he would want to work with him. Of course, he didn’t believe at all that whole ‘I trust you more than the others’ shit. But on the other hand, what if this was the chance to get on his good side? He sure as hell didn’t want to be friends with Micah, but he’d love to be on good terms with him at least, so that he stopped hurting him.

Another thing to consider were the possible consequences of rejecting the offer. That was probably what kept him up the most. 

Suddenly, he got pulled out of his thoughts by another boot nudging his leg. Was it really so hard to just call his name?

“Hey! Wake up, there's work to do.” 

Kieran opened his eyes with a groan. The sun was up now, so this time he was able to see Arthur in front of him lighting up a cigarette. 

“Wasn't sleeping anyway… “ He mumbled and started stretching a bit. It was weird, the way Arthur followed his every move with his eyes, but Kieran didn’t dare to say anything about it. Arthur had a slight frown on his face again, just like how he was looking at Kieran the previous day, and he wondered for a moment what he did to piss Arthur off so early in the morning, but in the end he was too tired to care. “Well… what do I do?” Kieran cleared his throat, hoping that Arthur would stop staring, and thankfully he did. 

“We’re going to get supplies.” Arthur said, before taking a drag of his cigarette and blowing the smoke more or less in Kieran’s face.

“You again? They are making you go shopping a lot lately.” Kieran coughed while trying to fan himself.

“I know, I’ve turned into the goddamn errand boy…”

“Is the store even open this early?”

“It is, and there’ll be less people around so it’ll be quicker. Let’s go.” 

Arthur’s tone suggested that Kieran didn’t have any choice, so he followed behind him. They got the cart ready, and Mr. Pearson wrote Arthur a list with things to get from the general store while Hosea gave them another one with stuff like ammunition, gun oil, and other stuff like that written on it. They seemed like long lists, but Kieran was hoping they would be back soon. He wasn’t looking forward to going shopping with Mr Morgan, the grumpiest grump of the group. 

Arthur hopped up on the seat next to Kieran and handed him the reins.

“You drive, I’m too tired to pay attention to the road.” 

“Sure…” Kieran spurred on the horses and they started moving. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Arthur pulling his hat over his eyes and then crossing his arms. Kieran wondered if he was about to take a nap, he couldn’t really tell, but he decided not to bother him in case he was.

However, after several minutes in silence, Kieran got bored, and he felt the need to distract himself somehow. Maybe his boredom made him impulsive, because he didn’t think twice before trying to start a conversation with Arthur. Sure, he was grumpy, but what the hell, the worst that could happen is that he’d get ignored or told to shut up. 

“I thought you’d ask Mrs Adler to come, she usually goes on supply runs with you, doesn’t she?”

There was silence for a few seconds after asked. He’ll be ignored then, fine. He can deal with that. But then to his surprise, he heard a low chuckle next to him. 

“If I keep bringing her, she’s going to turn the entire town on us. She will fight anyone and anything that looks at her the wrong way. And she’s especially aggressive this early in the morning.”

“That’s… good to know…”

“Oh but you have nothing to worry about. As mean as she may seem, I don’t think she likes to pick on defenseless bastards like you.” Arthur smiled mockingly. 

“I’m not defenseless. I’ve been running with gangs for years now, don’t forget that.” Kieran pointed out, maybe a bit harsher than he should. 

“Well, by the look of that bruise on your face, I can tell you haven’t done a great job defending yourself from Micah.” Arthur mocked him.

Kieran’s face went red, and he immediately fixed his hair again in a desperate attempt to try to hide his cheek, even if Arthur had already seen it. Arthur just snorted, but thankfully, he didn’t say anything else, and neither did Kieran. He preferred the boring silence over continuing that conversation.

Once they reached the town, they stopped the cart next to the store so they could easily load the food and other stuff inside. The streets of Rhodes were pretty empty that early in the morning, and it gave Kieran some kind of bad feeling he couldn’t explain. It was actually the whole state of Lemoyne that made him feel like that. He couldn’t wait to get away from all the swamps and racists.

“Alright, here's Pearson’s list, get only what’s written here and load it in the cart.” Arthur pulled a few bills from his bag and handed them to Kieran, along with the shopping list.

“But I-”

“I’ll be at the gun store. I’ll meet you here when I’m done.” Arthur hopped off the cart and quickly walked away without giving Kieran the chance to tell him that it was too many things for him to carry alone, or that he didn’t even know how to read…

“Shit… “ Kieran stared at the list in his hand. He was going to have to find a solution, or wait for Arthur empty handed. He sighed and went inside the store.

“Oh hello there mister.” The store clerk greeted Kieran in a funny tone that reminded him of Mr. Trelawny. “Are you looking for anything in particular?”

“Uhh….yeah… “ Kieran walked around looking through the shelves. He picked up a golden tin can and pretended to read the label. He had no idea what he was holding, so put it back in its place and approached the counter. “I need everything on this list… please.” He placed the list on the counter and cleared his throat. 

“Of course! Let me see…” The clerk put on his glasses and inspected it closely as Kieran prayed he didn’t ask him to read anything for him. “Alright I’ll get these for you and put them on the counter, sir.” Kieran nodded and felt like he could finally breathe again. “In the meantime, would you like to check the catalogue? To make sure you have everything you need. There’s lots of new products too.”

“Uh, it's ok, I don’t need anything else.”

Kieran was relieved to see the man quietly going around his store, pulling stuff from the shelves, or briefly disappearing behind a door and then coming back with sacks of who knows what. Kieran just stayed in a corner and out of the man’s way, and from time to time he checked the window, hoping he’d see Arthur coming to help him, but there was still no sign of him. 

“Excuse me, sir.” The clerk tapped Kieran’s shoulder making him jump a little. “I don't understand what this says… you need four what?” He extended the list to Kieran. He barely managed to hide the panic in his face. 

“Uh… it's… “ He pretended to have trouble reading it, and it wasn’t far from the truth since he had no idea what the fuck it said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t write the list… uh… I guess… “ Kieran explained, and then grabbed one of the golden tin cans he was inspecting earlier. “Four of these?”

“Sure.” 

The man didn’t ask more questions, and charged Kieran for the products, leaving him with some change to give back to Arthur, which Kieran assumed was a good thing. He had to admit, he felt pretty proud of himself for not ruining it and exposing himself as an illiterate in front of the clerk. The man didn’t seem like the type to take advantage of customers, but who knows, maybe he would’ve added stuff without him knowing, had he known Kieran couldn’t read.

The only bad thing was having to load everything in the cart by himself, since Arthur still hadn’t showed up. Maybe he was taking his time on purpose so he wouldn’t have to help him, and Kieran wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case. 

He was struggling to get his third sack out of the store when he spotted a guy taking a paper bag out of the cart and walking away. Kieran hurried to drop the sack in the cart and ran after the stranger until he caught up to him between the store and a hotel.

“Hey! That’s mine, give it back!”

“No it’s not, I bought it.” The stranger lied and glared at him. He was thin and dirty, maybe stealing out of need, but Kieran couldn't let him keep the bag. He would have to pay for it if he came back without it.

“Just give me that back!” Kieran tried to snatch the bag out of the man’s hands, but the stranger was faster and punched Kieran in the face, making him stumble backwards. He groaned, and then reached for his gun to point it at him. He was so angry that he didn’t care that he was going to kill that man over some cans of food, but he didn’t get to shoot, just as he was going to pull the trigger, someone yelled at him.

“What the hell are you doing?!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a lil drawing based on this chapter if you want to check it out.
> 
> https://grabby-hands-for-dettlaff.tumblr.com/post/186164463082/lil-drawing-about-my-fic-desvelo

Kieran glanced between Arthur and the man in front of him, whose expression had turned from menacing to desperate as he stared at the barrel of Kieran’s gun. 

“He was stealing from us.” Kieran said without taking his eyes off of the stranger. 

“Please… please… listen to him, don’t do this… “ The man begged him and Kieran just frowned more. 

“Are you fucking deaf, O’driscoll? Put that gun down!” Arthur insisted. 

“I am not an O’driscoll!” Kieran yelled, with his gun still pointed at the man’s forehead. 

Arthur stomped in his direction and stood menacingly close to him, so close Kieran could practically feel Arthur’s breath on his neck.

“Let me remind you, the Sheriff’s office is just across the street, if you pull the fucking trigger, they’ll be on us in seconds, and we’ll have to turn this damn town into a bloodbath. We still have work to do around these parts, and you’re not going to ruin it, or I swear I’ll make you regret this for the rest of your days. Now. Put. The. Gun. Down.” 

Kieran knew Arthur was right, although now he was also pissed that he was ordering him around, but he had no choice but to listen to him. He didn’t know where that sudden rebelliousness had come from, or how he even managed to yell at him without his voice breaking, but he knew he had crossed the line enough. 

He put his gun back in its holster and took a step back as the man thanked Arthur over and over again.

“Shut up.” Arthur yanked the paper bag from his hands and turned to look at Kieran. He looked small again and he didn’t dare to look at Arthur, he seemed to have gone back to his usual pathetic self. His nose was bleeding.

“I’m so sorry mister, I won’t do it again. And I swear I won’t tell anyone.” The man continued apologizing to them and Arthur turned to him with an annoyed expression. 

“Yeah, you won’t.” Arthur punched him hard in the face producing a cracking noise. If that wasn’t enough, he held the man’s head and smashed it against a post. The man’s body dropped with a loud thud at their feet, and Kieran looked up at Arthur with confusion.

“I thought you didn’t want me to hurt him... “

“I didn’t want you to make a lot of noise.” He casually said with a shrug and started to walk out of the alley, with Kieran following behind. Just a few steps ahead, Arthur abruptly stopped when he got a glimpse of what was inside the bag. “What the hell is this?”

“Huh?” Kieran barely managed not to bump into him. 

Arthur held the gold tin can of pomade in front of Kieran, he still didn’t know what it was, but judging by Arthur’s reaction, he knew he had fucked up and gotten something he wasn’t supposed to. Adding that to what had just happened made Kieran fear that he would end up like the man on the ground, but Arthur just kept looking through the bag with an amused expression. 

“Are you opening a barber shop or something?”

“I’m sorry… the man couldn’t figure out what the list said so I just… picked…”

“Why did you think we would need this much hair pomade?” 

Kieran blushed now that he knew what he had bought. He felt like such an idiot.

“I didn’t know what it was… “

“It says it here, in big fucking lett-“ Arthur trailed off when he noticed the way Kieran looked down. “You don’t know how to read, do you?”

Kieran shook his head and Arthur sighed. “Please tell me you didn’t ‘pick’ everything else too.”

“No! The man just asked me about this.” Kieran fumbled for the shopping list in his pocket, as well as the rest of the money and handed it all to Arthur. 

He just read the list for a moment and started walking again. “Wait for me at the cart, and try not to kill anyone, Sadie 2.” 

Kieran did as he was told and waited on the driver's seat, holding his sleeve to his nose. There were a few drops of blood on the front of his shirt. It looked gross, and he was ruining one of the few shirts he owned, but he had nothing else to catch the blood. Seeing the stains in his clothes and feeling the throbbing pain in his face made him feel like Arthur was right, maybe he was a helpless bastard after all. He couldn’t even avoid getting punched by a scrawny thief. All hopes that one day he’d stand up to Micah disappeared the more he thought about it. 

He wished he could point his gun at Micah, like he had done to that man back in the alley, but he knew the moment he did that all the other Van Der Lindes would point theirs at him. At least it had felt good for a moment, to be able to fight back, to not just cry and leave after getting punched like he usually did. He just wanted to feel powerful for once, even if it was hardly fair to shoot an unarmed man. But now that he could stop and think about it, he figured that wasn’t the way to go. He would end up a bully like Micah if he kept thinking and acting like that. 

Arthur came out of the store not long after he went in. He dropped the paper bag in the back of the cart and hopped up on the driver's seat and this time he held the reins.

“Well, I couldn’t figure out Pearson’s handwriting either, but I got sweet corn, that’ll probably be more useful than pomade.” Arthur joked, making Kieran look away, embarrassed. 

He stared at his sleeve, it was already too damp, so he changed and held the other one under his nose before Arthur tapped his shoulder. 

“Here.” Arthur bashfully offered him the rag he used to clean his guns, it was a bit dirty and had oil stains all over it, but it was better than nothing. Kieran hadn’t expected it at all, so he took it with a slightly confused expression before muttering a small ‘thanks’, Arthur just cleared his throat and spurred the horses on. 

What followed was an awkward silence that lasted until they left Rhodes behind, then once on the main road, Arthur was the first to break the silence. 

“What happened in that alley... you can’t do that again, you hear?” 

“Yes, sir… “

“You’re not supposed to draw attention. If the bastard deserves it, just use a knife or strangle him. I don’t know, you choose.” 

“Yes, sir… “

“And stop calling me sir.” 

“Yes, s- I mean, Arthur o-or Mister Morgan?”

Arthur sighed. 

“Arthur is fine.” 

Kieran nodded. He didn’t understand why Arthur wasn’t angry at him for disobeying or yelling at him back in the alley. But then again, Arthur had always been confusing. One minute he was bullying him, and the next one he was sort of… nice? There was never a point in between. Kieran supposed right now was the ‘nice’ phase, and any second he would go back to calling him an idiot, a coward, or something like that. It was a surprise that he hadn’t made fun of his bloody nose already. 

“Arthur… “

“What?”

“Why aren’t you angry with me?”

Arthur just raised an eyebrow at him.

“What, you want me to be? Honestly I can’t even be mad at you for the pomade thing, it’s so stupid it’s just funny. Plus the man at the store was ok with taking them back.” 

“No, I mean about what I did in the alley.”

Arthur shrugged. ”Uh I don’t know, I guess it’s nice to see you finally grew some balls, even if that guy still managed to punch you. And what a punch.” He let out a little chuckle that made Kieran pout. Took him long enough. 

“Oh.”

“But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop calling you O’driscoll, though.”

“Yeah, I figured as much.” Kieran rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, making Arthur snort and smile.

The rest of the trip back was spent in peaceful silence, although Kieran’s thoughts were louder than ever. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Arthur had said. He was starting to consider acting like that more often, if Arthur thought it was ok to fight back, then maybe he could stand up to Micah and stop him from hurting him again. It was obviously easier said than done but maybe he could start with little things. Maybe ignore him when he called his name, stare at him straight in the eye when he didn’t find his jokes funny… just small rebellious acts, until one day he could tell him to fuck off and to leave him alone. Oh, how much he dreamed of that. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in camp, Arthur led the cart behind the hitching posts, and Hosea approached them as they hopped off. He was carrying a rifle, so he was probably on his way to cover his guard shift. The rest of the camp looked more alive now, everyone was awake and working or having breakfast. Pearson's food didn't smell exceptionally good, but it still made Kieran's stomach grumble.

“Glad to have you back, was there any trouble?” Hosea asked while subtly staring at Kieran's swollen nose, it wasn't bleeding anymore, but it still looked pretty bad.

“Nah, nothing important.” Arthur shrugged. It wasn't like Kieran expected Arthur to care, but it still hurt a little to hear him say that about his injury. Maybe he should be glad he didn't mention the alley incident, who knows if the others would have punished him for it. “We got everything you wanted.”

“Great, go put all that by Pearson's cart.” Hosea adjusted the rifle on his shoulder and started walking away. 

Arthur sighed loudly and started unloading things from the cart, he went to take two sacks and piled them over his shoulder as Kieran stared in amazement. It was strange how Arthur seemed to be able to sense whenever Kieran stared at him, because he turned to him with a frown. Kieran knew that look meant ‘get to work,’ so he hurried to pick up some paper bags and followed after him. It wouldn't hurt to leave the heavy stuff to Arthur, right? He seemed strong enough to handle it.

As he looked around, Kieran saw the various members of the gang spending their morning in different ways. Uncle, as usual, was starting his with a bottle in his hand. He got a glimpse of Sean napping against a barrel, and Lenny reading the newspaper. He didn't realize it, but he was unconsciously looking for Micah among the tents and the people. He felt the need to know where he was so he could avoid him, and lucky for him, he easily spotted him talking to Dutch. Micah's body language was strange, it almost looked like he was flirting with Dutch, but that was very unlikely… Kieran had never seen him acting like that with any other men, but then again he didn't know a whole lot about what Micah got up to when he wasn't making Kieran’s life a living hell.

He must've been staring too hard because he didn't notice Arthur turning around, causing him to bump into him, he caught the bags just before they fell at his feet.

“Did that punch fuck up your eyesight too? Watch where you're going!” Arthur lashed out and it took Kieran by surprise, he quickly moved out of his way and apologized, but Arthur grumbled something and walked back to the cart.

Kieran paid more attention as he continued unloading their supplies, and when they were done, Arthur left for his tent without saying a word to him. Kieran wasn't sure if he was angry at him about what had just happened, and if he was, Kieran thought he was being too dramatic. In any case, he just wanted to return the rag Arthur had lent him and be done with his interactions with Mister Grumpy Morgan for the day. 

He walked up to his tent and found Arthur laying down on his cot with his hat over his eyes, so he reconsidered. He could give it back later, plus it was probably a good idea to wash it first, rather than give it back with his blood all over it. 

He didn’t want to inconvenience any of the ladies by asking them to wash it for him, so he went to a secluded spot by the lake, and since his shirt needed a wash too, he took it off and dunked it in the water along with the rag. The blood didn't come off entirely, but at least it wasn’t as visible as before. Still he scrubbed for a while as he lost himself in his thoughts. 

There was something important he needed to figure out. What the hell was he going to tell Micah about his offer? On one hand, it could probably help his reputation among the gang members, and help him gain that respect and recognition he craved so much, but it would most likely put him in a dangerous situation, because even if Micah had said the place wasn’t even guarded, there was no way he was going to believe him just like that. There had to be a catch somewhere, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to risk his life for the possibility of Dutch giving him a pat on the back and saying ‘good job’. 

It was a hard decision to make, but then he remembered what he had considered before about how to act with Micah and what Arthur had said back in the cart. Kieran felt relieved and terrified as he made up his mind on what to tell that son of a bitch.

But the time to reveal his decision came sooner than he expected.

“Well, well, I hope Morgan didn't do that to you.” Kieran's head snapped in Micah's direction as soon as he heard his voice. Kieran felt paralyzed as Micah knelt down next to him and grabbed his jaw. His eyes scanning the dark bruise starting to form on Kieran's face “I think he should know by now that this is my territory.” 

As scared as he felt, Kieran made himself look up at Micah and glare. He tried his best to let him know how much he disgusted him with just one look, but Micah didn't seem to notice, his eyes were somewhere else. On Kieran's bare chest it seemed.

“I thought about the job.” Kieran started while trying to move away. He felt uncomfortable and exposed, and just really wanted to put as much distance as he could between them, but Micah's grip on his jaw was so strong he was starting to hurt him.

“Mhm? And what do you say? I hope you made the right decision.” Kieran looked around desperately, trying to see if there was anyone around who would see what was happening and intervene. He couldn't even see the camp through the trees. 

Kieran still struggled to move away and to keep his racing heart under control, but he gathered all his courage to look at Micah in the eye and give him his answer.

“I’m not doing it. Find someone else.” He tried to say it as firmly as he could, but to his own ears he sounded as scared as always. 

Micah must’ve heard it too, because he just laughed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there, just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive of this fic. I really appreciate your comments and kudos <3 anyway, just a little heads up that this is the last chapter I had pre written, I almost have ready chapter 5 but what I’m trying to say is that I’ll try to keep up with the schedule of posting every Thursday but if I don’t well it’s because I’m still writing haha. Anyway, enjoy the chapter and thanks again for reading!

“I don’t think I heard you right, do you mind saying that again? Without crying this time.” Micah laughed, and Kieran slapped his hand away from his face. He wasn’t sure why Micah hadn’t reacted to him standing up for himself yet. He had expected to be on the ground by now, but Micah seemed distracted, and Kieran really didn’t like that his body seemed to be the reason why. 

“I don’t want to do it. I’m not going to help you.” He stumbled to his feet and reached for his soaking wet shirt, clutching it close to his body in a useless attempt to cover himself from Micah's disturbing stare. 

Micah glanced over his shoulder for a moment and took a step closer towards Kieran. Micah's eyes stared directly into his, and Kieran could only think it was terrifying the way his eyes had more black in them than blue now, just big dark circles in which he could see his own pathetic reflection. 

“I’ve always known you’re stupid, but I never imagined to that extent.” Micah said slowly. Kieran could feel his legs shaking, but he forced himself to hold his gaze. He promised himself he would be brave this time, even if he was starting to doubt it was a good idea. “I’m not even asking you to kill someone for me. It’s a simple, easy job that even a stupid piece of shit like you could do and yet… you reject it.” 

Micah put his hands on Kieran’s shoulders and squeezed. Kieran was at a loss for words. It was always like that whenever Micah touched him, he was petrified, and his only thoughts were of how much he wanted to run away from him. He had crossed the line, and now he was going to pay for it. The thought of it was so terrifying that he couldn’t move anymore. So much for trying to be rebellious. 

“Micah… please… I’m so sorry.” Kieran started backpedaling, maybe if he apologized now he could survive this. 

“I tried to be nice to you, and give you the chance to be more than the horse shit cleaning guy, and this is what you have to say?” 

“I’m sorry… please… please don’t hurt me.” Kieran repeated, and a second later, Micah’s fist struck him on the belly, knocking the wind out of him, and making him fall on the ground. Kieran groaned and panicked as he struggled to breathe.

“I’m not asking a second time. You're going to do it. You owe it to me for making me waste my time on you.” 

Kieran had barely recovered when he received a kick in the balls, making him curl into a ball and sob. Then, Micah knelt down and grabbed a handful of Kieran's hair to pull him up to his eye level. The pain from the kick was so bad that he felt for a moment like he was going to pass out, or throw up all over Micah’s boots. Even his attempt at another apology came out as incomprehensible babbling because of how unbearable it was. 

“Do you think you need any more convincing?”

Kieran used whatever strength he had left to quickly shake his head. Micah smiled.

“Are you going to be a good O’driscoll and do as I say? ‘Cause I need you to keep your mouth shut about our deal too. Don’t want anyone else getting that money, you hear?” 

Kieran nodded and let out a pathetic sob once Micah finally let go of his hair. 

“Good, I knew we could work things out.” Micah stood up. “And by the way, that whole ‘I’m not going to do it’ thing, that was hilarious. Real fucking funny. But don’t do it again, boy. You’ll be begging me to kill you if you try that shit again.”

Kieran didn’t answer, just continued crying on the sand as the pain seemed to get worse and worse.

“We’re starting tomorrow.” And with that, Micah left to go back to camp, leaving Kieran curled up on the ground and crying. 

It took Kieran a while to be able to get up, and when he did, he felt like he was going to fall back in the sand. He should’ve known this would happen, maybe he even deserved it for being so stupid. But it was done, his belly was probably bruised, and his balls about to fall off, but he had survived and that’s what mattered. Right? He didn’t even know if being alive was a good thing anymore, it only meant having to endure more abuse from Micah. 

He slowly made his way back to camp, he was still limping from the pain and looking miserable, but no one even noticed him. Except for Branwen. She spotted Kieran coming her way to hang his wet shirt and the rag on one of the empty hitching posts. As usual, she started snorting and whining to get his attention. 

Kieran was too tired and in too much pain, but he turned to Branwen with a smile. He lifted his hand to pet her, despite the pain in his abdomen. “Hi, girl…” She accepted the pets with a happy noise that brought a smile to Kieran’s face. “Here, I have something for you.” He still had a few treats in his pocket, so he gave them all to Branwen at once as a thank you for noticing him when he was feeling so awful. 

After she finished eating, she sniffed Kieran's hair and licked his face as he tried to look for a clean shirt in his saddlebags. Kieran squirmed and chuckled but despite that, Branwen whined, like she knew something had happened to Kieran, or maybe she had tasted the salt in the dried tears that covered his face. “Thanks for that…” Kieran kissed her muzzle and put on his shirt. “I… I think I’m going to lay down for a while…” 

Kieran carefully sat down on the grass with his back against a tree. He closed his eyes with the intention to take a nap, but a few seconds later he heard the heavy footsteps of a horse approaching. Branwen walked slowly, and very carefully laid down next to him. Then, in the most gentle manner she could manage, she rested her head on Kieran's lap. 

It wasn't the first time Branwen had tried to comfort him this way, but the simple act still moved Kieran to tears. He covered his mouth with his hand so no one would hear him cry, and he petted her neck as tears fell from his eyes. Kieran couldn't help it, he had gone for so long feeling like no one cared about him that even the smallest displays of affection made him breakdown. He ended up hugging Branwen and burying his face on her mane, and he cried in silence until his head hurt and his eyes were red and swollen.

\---------------------------------------------

Later that day, he recovered enough to finish his chores. Arthur had left camp around midday, so after a small break, Kieran went to his tent and left the dry and clean rag on his bedside table. He figured it was better like this, he wasn't in the mood for talking to anybody after what had happened with Micah that morning. He still felt embarrassed about it, and he couldn't risk someone asking him about why he was in pain. Micah had even taken the time to threaten him so he wouldn't tell anybody about the incident. 

Standing there in Arthur’s tent, he looked around for a bit. Arthur seemed to keep a lot of mementos. He had pictures of Hosea and Dutch, some pieces of newspaper with notes about a very old bank robbery, and even an old horseshoe. But what caught his attention the most was the beautiful flower in the jar by his bed. Kieran didn't dare to touch it, he knew how clumsy he was, and the last thing he needed now was to break Arthur's stuff. He just bent down slightly to get a better look at it instead. 

He thought it was cute, that Arthur would keep a small flower to decorate his tent. Kieran didn’t expect that from a tough and grumpy guy like him, not that he wasn’t allowed to enjoy nice, delicate things. Maybe it represented another memory for Arthur?

“Hey.” Kieran stood up quickly causing himself to almost knock the damn table over. Javier was standing there with his arms crossed and looking at him like he just caught him doing something he wasn't supposed to. Which was more or less the case. “What are you doing there?”

“I- I was just returning this.” Kieran showed him the rag and Javier slowly nodded.

“Well, looks like you're done with that, so get back to work. Those horses are hungry.”

“Y-yes, sir.” Kieran left quickly, feeling Javier’s eyes glued on him all the way to the place where they kept the bales of hay.

\---------------------

When nighttime came, Kieran thought he would finally get to rest. He had earned it after the day he’d had, and his body was tired and sore enough that he was hoping to sleep for several hours straight. But he was wrong. There was more work to do. 

Kieran woke up with a startle and pain in his crotch. He groaned and opened his eyes to find Micah pressing his boot to his balls with a sick smile on his face. 

“Ow ow ow! Stop!” Kieran desperately pushed his leg away. Micah laughed and let go after a few seconds which left Kieran with a throbbing pain that started to make him sick again.

“Glad to see you’re awake, O’driscoll. We're leaving.” Micah said casually.

“What? You said tomorrow.” Kieran groaned as he clutched his crotch in pain. 

“Yeah, you’ll start stealing the money on your own tomorrow, but you need to know where you’re going, where the money’s at, and if the place is being guarded.”

“You said it wasn't.” Kieran grumbled.

Micah frowned at his tone. “Yeah, but things change, maybe it is guarded now. I can't fucking know what those idiots do every minute of everyday. I’m trying to keep you safe, you know?” 

Kieran glared but said nothing to that, knew there was no point in arguing with him, so he got up and dusted his pants off.

“I’ll get my horse.”

“Just get your gun, nothing else.” Micah ordered and walked away without giving him the chance to ask why. Kieran followed him, despite the fear starting to set in. His hands started sweating as he thought about being in the dark with Micah. He felt as trapped as always, against two awful choices and nowhere safe to go. He could either follow him to god knows where, or try to stay and get another beating. 

He just hoped he would be lucky for once, and this choice wouldn't ruin his life. 

Micah told him to walk out of the camp through the edge of the lake to avoid being seen by Sean or John, who were on guard duty that night. Kieran rarely left the camp, and it would be suspicious if he suddenly decided to go out, especially at night, so Micah told him to meet him at the crossroads near Radley’s Pasture, and that they would go to the place of the money together.

Avoiding the camp guards was more or less easy, Sean was, as usual, slacking off and doing a far better job at falling asleep while standing than spotting potential intruders, and although John seemed focused, he conveniently decided to go for a pee break, so Kieran sneaked out without problem. He he still had some ground to cover in order to meet Micah. The darkness and uneven terrain turned out to be the biggest obstacle in his escape. He tripped several times and almost hit his head on a branch, but he made it out and walked along the empty road to where Micah awaited on top of his horse, Baylock.

“Did anybody see you?” Micah asked once Kieran was close enough. 

“No.” 

It had only occurred to him how dangerous this actually was. With no one knowing where he had gone to, they wouldn’t be able to find him if something happened. If they even cared to look for him in the first place. He hoped they would. The thought of dying alone, somewhere unknown, and his body never being found made him incredibly sad.

“Well then, hop on, cowpoke.” Micah extended his hand, and Kieran looked at it with hesitation, but grabbed it after a few seconds. Once seated on the horse behind Micah, he looked back at the forest of trees covering Clemens Point, and he silently prayed that he would see those again. 

\-----------------------

Arthur had been in plenty of awful places in his life, but Lemoyne was definitely the worst of all. He wasn’t sure if it was the humidity, the racists, or the growing urbanization that made him despise that place like no other.

It might also be how long they had spent stationed there, with the promise of the Braithwaite’s and the Gray’s gold. But so far it felt like they were being played by both families and like they wouldn’t get any of it. Hell, Arthur was even starting to doubt it existed at all.

In any case, Arthur was sick of the place and wanted to leave as soon as possible, which didn’t look like it would be any time soon. They needed lots of money to finance Dutch’s mango farm dream, and although the idea sounded nice, Arthur wished they could just gather enough to leave the place before the Pinkertons or Cornwall’s men showed up. 

So he worked hard, probably harder than anyone, to earn money fast. He would sometimes make around four visits to the donation box in a single day to leave all the money he could find. He would always get praise from Dutch, but he would never hear him say that they were close to their goal, which frustrated him enormously. 

It was probably the main source for his ill temper, and whenever he felt himself getting into a bad mood, he would pick up his stuff, go out there, and to try to make money somehow. 

This time, he had ended up taking some jobs as a bounty hunter. Fifteen dollars for catching a man wasn’t a lot, but Arthur was counting on getting something valuable once he looted him. If those men were criminals like him, they surely had something good on them, whether it’s theirs or stolen. 

Unfortunately, this time the man he had tried to catch didn’t have anything of value on him, and on top of that, he had gotten himself killed by an alligator on his attempt at escaping, reducing the price of his reward. Maybe Arthur should be thankful that they even gave him something for bringing in his head. 

Needless to say, it had been a rough day, and by the time he got to camp, all he wanted to do was sleep. So he went straight to his tent and, as he went to put his hat on the bedside table, he saw the rag he had given Kieran. It was more or less clean and carefully folded like it was something important or expensive. 

He could still see some faint blood stains on it, and he traced them with his finger. He hadn’t been the only one with a bad day, and at least he didn’t have to deal with bullying on top of that. He considered for a moment, and decided that maybe he could share a beer with the O’driscoll, a bit of company might improve his and Kieran’s day.

He turned his head to the tree where Kieran usually slept, but strangely enough, tonight he wasn't there, or anywhere else, for that matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw I made some art for chapter 3, you’ll find the link to it in the fic’s notes if you want to check it out. If I make any more in the future you’ll find them on the notes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tiny bit late but here it is. Also it’s a slightly longer chapter, sorry? Thanks again to Daovihi for helping me out with corrections.

Micah didn’t seem to be in a rush. He made Baylock trot at a steady and moderate pace, and Kieran might’ve even fallen asleep, if he wasn’t so close to such a horrendous and evil man. He couldn’t afford to let his guard down around someone like Micah.

Kieran spend the majority of the trip looking around for any familiar landmarks, but he hadn’t done much exploration around these parts, and it was dark, so everything looked new and foreign to him. And most importantly, it all looked the same.

The only remarkable thing he saw was a few miles into their trip, an open field filled with trenches, dried trees and a couple of disposed canyons laying around. He soon recognized it as a Civil War battlefield.

“There it is.” Micah said, staring straight ahead. Kieran looked over Micah’s shoulder to try to see what he was talking about, and he saw an old church in ruins right in front of a dark forest. It looked like the last place Kieran would like to visit at night, but he didn’t have any choice…

“Do you think there’s someone in there?” Kieran asked anxiously as they slowly approached the building. 

“There’s nothing to worry about, cowpoke. This place has been abandoned for a while.” Micah pretended to reassure him while giving Kieran’s thigh a few pats. Kieran pulled a face at the contact, but thankfully Micah took his hand away shortly after. 

In Kieran’s opinion, that’s exactly why they should worry. Abandoned places tended to attract men like them. And in Lemoyne, it might even attract worse things than outlaws. 

The Church at Bolger Glade, as Kieran had heard Micah call the place, was even creepier up close, and looked like it’d fall apart any second. Micah guided Baylock to the side of the church and dismounted, drawing his gun just in case and signaling Kieran to follow him inside the building. Kieran hopped off the horse and stood in the entrance for a moment. His hands were sweating again and his heart was racing, the only thing comforting him was the knowledge that he had his gun on him, so he kept his hand on the grip and followed his bully inside. 

He took a few steps inside and blinked in surprise when he didn’t see Micah around. He turned his head in all ways to try to see where he had gone to, and he nearly shot himself in the foot when he heard Micah’s voice behind him.

“What the hell are you doing?! Get over here!” Micah demanded and walked away, crouching to fit under the debris of a collapsed wall. Kieran swallowed and followed him. Thanks to the wall leaning on the rest of the structure, something like a very small room had resulted, which is where they were standing now, they had to continue to crouch since the space was too small. Kieran hated the place already, and he was really dreading the idea of having to come back again to steal money for Micah. If there was any money at all. 

“Where was it…? Hmm…” Micah looked around the debris with a lamp while Kieran stood awkwardly to the side. He didn’t mind, at least Micah’s attention was focused on something else and not him. “Aha! There you are… Hey, O’Driscoll, be useful and move this rock.”

Kieran did as he was told, it was heavy, but he managed, and behind the rock there was a box. Micah yanked it out of his hands and put it on the ground to open it. And inside, just as Micah had promised there was money… a lot of money, among other valuable items.

Micah smiled satisfied while Kieran looked at the box with confusion. So this means he wasn’t lying? Micah telling the truth? Was that even possible?

“Alright now pay attention, O’Driscoll, cause I’ll chop off your dick if you mess this up.” 

Kieran frowned slightly but he crouched next to him and the box. His belly hurt from the movement but he tried to ignore it as best as he could. 

“You see how this thing is overflowing with money? It’s tempting to take it all at once, isn’t it?”

Kieran looked at him, not knowing if he expected an answer. He didn't.

“But we won’t. We’ll take just a little each time. A small wad, maybe a golden watch and a ring. The key is not to make it very visible that we’re stealing from them.”

Micah reached into the box, pulled out a couple of dollars, maybe 20 or 30. Then put them in his bag and closed the box. 

“With this much money, whoever is hiding it is more likely to keep track of it by sight rather than numbers. So as long as money is visible in the box, more will keep coming and the hiding spot won’t change. Got it?”

Kieran nodded and Micah gave him a smile, that disturbing smile where he stared for far too long until he made Kieran uncomfortable, then chuckled to himself and stood up. 

“Now put that back where we found it. Make sure that rock is right where it was.”

With the box hidden back in its place, there was nothing else for them to do there, so they walked out and went back to where they left Baylock. 

“I think you should drive us home this time, get familiar with the road, so you don’t get lost when you come alone. What do you say, O’Driscoll?”

Kieran nodded once again and that seemed to annoy Micah. 

“What’s the matter with you? Why aren’t you talking?”

“It’s nothing.”

“If you say so…” Micah spit on the ground then quickly approached as Kieran tried to get on the horse. “Let me help you.” 

Before Kieran could react he felt Micah’s hand on his ass, giving him a small push to ‘help’ him get on the horse. He knew that wasn’t his intention at all, and it infuriated him, but he just gripped the reins hard enough to leave his knuckles white. Then Micah climbed behind him and he knew things could only get worse from there. 

“I don’t remember the road very well...maybe you should guide the horse.” Kieran tried to make him sit behind instead. He could already feel Micah scooting way closer than he needed. He could feel his breath on his neck.

“That’s why I’ll teach you the way. Let’s go.”

“But-“

“Are you fucking deaf?! Let’s go!” Micah yelled right next to his ear. Kieran shuddered and spurred the horse on. He was glad at least that Micah couldn’t see the way his eyes were getting wet already. 

It wasn’t a long distance from the battlefield to the camp, but every second felt like an eternity with Micah pressing himself close to Kieran. 

“Be careful not to get in that land, that’s the Braithwaite’s land. They’ll shoot you on sight.” Micah casually said with his hand grabbing Kieran’s hip. Kieran wanted to push his hand away but he felt like he couldn’t move. He was paralyzed again. Then Micah’s hand moved to his thigh and stayed there for the rest of the trip. Kieran could barely hold back his tears at that point and then Micah stopped. 

“Stop here.”

They were back at the crossroads, where they had started this damn expedition. 

“Come on, this is our last stop.” Micah announced as he got off the horse. Kieran hopped off too, standing nearby as Micah hitched Baylock to a tree. They walked off the road and into the small forest in Radley’s Pasture, and although their camp was somewhat close from there, there was enough trees and bushes to make it hard from camp to see what was going on in those parts. 

It was so dark he could barely see Micah’s face but he knew he was staring at him or at least in his direction. But he must’ve been wrong because a second later Micah walked right past him, like he spotted something he was looking for.

“Come here.” Micah called him and kneeled down in front of a big rock. Kieran wasn’t sure what he was supposed to find there until Micah brushed some dry leaves and dirt away, revealing a thin plank of wood covering a hole in the ground. “Get your hand in there, there’s a box.” 

Kieran looked at him with hesitation and then back at the pitch black hole in the ground. His mind is already running wild, imagining the bottom of it filled with snakes, spiders or other horrible stuff Micah would put there just to torture him. 

He couldn’t see Micah’s expression but he knew he had to do it. Whether he liked it or not. The hole was somewhat deep so he had to bend over to reach the bottom, his face practically on the dirt as he stretched his arm to reach the box. Then something brushed his arm and he pulled it out with a yelp.

“Don’t start, it’s probably just a root or something.” Micah said exasperated.

“Can I light up a lamp?” He didn’t even want to glance at the hole again unless he could clearly see the bottom. 

“Of course. Why don’t you start yelling that we’re here hiding money while you’re at it?” Kieran winced at the sarcasm. 

Kieran took a deep breath and moved his shaky hand back inside the hole. As his arm stretched, he felt something brushing it again, and thankfully it didn’t feel like something alive, so he fumbled for a bit until he got a hold of a handle of what felt like a tin box.

He pulled it out and opened it. It was empty for now but Micah gave him the wad they had stolen from the chest back in the church and put it inside.

“Now just put it back and cover it well, easy right?” Micah stood up and dusted his pants off. 

“Yeah… but uhm, shouldn’t we give something to the camp too? I’ve seen others put some of the money they get on jobs on the donation box.”

Micah stared and smiled, then his smile turned into a chuckle. The kind of chuckle that meant Micah thought he was an idiot.

“Yeah. Yeah, we will. Don’t you worry about that, I'll do it as soon as I get back to camp.” 

Kieran didn’t feel like he was going to do it, but there was no point in saying anything. He wasn't about to tell Micah Bell what he should or shouldn't do. He didn't have a death wish. Not tonight at least.  
He threw some dry leaves and more dirt on top of the plank until it disappeared and blended in perfectly with the rest of the forest floor.

“Great. I’ll go back to camp now, wait here a few minutes so we don’t arrive at the same time.” 

Kieran nodded and Micah disappeared through the trees, then a few seconds later the sound of his horse’s hooves signaled his departure.

Kieran let out a sigh once Micah was gone, then he sat on the dirt and waited, staring at the light coming from camp. He put his face on his hands and he started crying. He just couldn’t hold it in anymore. All the stress from the night, and the memory of Micah’s fucking hands on him finally made him break down. 

He tried telling himself that everything would be ok. That next time he would go alone and he would not have to be around Micah again, but that didn’t help with the sensation of deep disgust he felt. 

He felt alone and scared right there in the darkness of the night. And he doubted he would feel any better going back to camp, the last thing he wanted to do right now was see him again.

But what other option did he have? He couldn’t spend all night out there alone. 

He eventually stood up, dusted his pants off and wiped his face on his sleeve. He had to wait a few minutes so he could stop hiccuping, but he started walking back to camp. 

\-----------------------------

Though Kieran was sure the others didn't consider him part of the gang, he was still required (or forced, more like) to listen to Dutch's speeches. He was convinced that his presence was needed just because it made the man feel listened to, and not because he had something important to say that Kieran really needed to listen to. Of course, he would never say that out loud. He felt nervous just by even thinking that near Dutch’s more devoted followers. 

This time Dutch was, as usual, trying to motivate his gang to continue to go out there and get more money for their escape to Tahiti. Kieran had some doubts about it, the most recurrent one was if that plan included him. Whenever he heard about Tahiti and the mango farm he couldn't help but wonder if they were planning on leaving him behind like a pet they no longer wanted. Maybe he could stay with Cain, but they probably were taking the dog with them.

“We can do this, people! But only, if you have some goddamn faith!” Dutch dramatically gestured as he continued shouting about the importance of loyalty and hope, and faith too, of course. “I assure you we are way closer to our goal than you think! We have worked hard and it has paid off, but we just need a bit more money to make sure this whole thing works. So get out there and work for our dream!”

It was so overdramatic Kieran couldn't help but find it a bit funny, he turned around with a little smirk in order not to chuckle, but when he turned his back he noticed someone staring at him. Arthur was standing right behind him, staring with that slight frown he always wore on his face. It immediately made Kieran stop smirking and turn back around. To say he was scared for his life was an understatement.

When Dutch ended his speech he quickly left to go take care of his usual chores, though the truth is that he just wanted an excuse to avoid Arthur after he caught him almost laughing at his father’s speech. God, he was going to get beat up for that, wasn't he? Arthur had never hurt him like that before, but that didn't mean he never would.

“O'Driscoll.” Arthur called from behind him and Kieran almost dropped the bucket of water.

“Uh, yes sir?” Arthur made a face but Kieran wasn't sure if calling him ‘Arthur’ would anger him more, even if he had given Kieran permission to call him that. 

“You’ve been busy lately?” Arthur asked, crossing his arms.

“Huh? ...Wh-what do you mean?” Kieran looked at him with genuine confusion. He had expected Arthur to bring up the incident during Dutch’s speech.

“Where were you last night?” Kieran felt as if cold water had been dumped over his head. He had to think fast, if he messed up and Arthur found out about his secret job, Micah would kill him. Or worse.

“Oh! That… uh… I was… fishing.” 

“Fishing way past midnight?” Arthur asked skeptical. 

“S-some fish are more active at night…” He explained, not exactly lying, he had learned that from his pa many years ago. “We should go together someday. I could show you.” 

Kieran wasn't sure why he said that and it seemed that it had taken Arthur by surprise too because he looked at him confused for a moment, then looked away. His face strangely turning a light shade of pink, probably because of the damn Lemoyne heat.

“Uh...I ain't that good at fishing. You should ask Javier.”

“If I'm honest… I'm kind of scared of him.” Kieran admitted and Arthur’s expression softened and he even chuckled. 

“Fair enough.” And with that Arthur left. Kieran felt a bit confused, but he was more than glad to have him off his back. For now, at least. Hopefully, Arthur would just forget about him disappearing at night and move on.

He didn’t see the grumpy cowboy again after that, not until he woke him up from his much needed nap late in the evening. 

“I got everything ready, let’s go.” Arthur said, without offering any explanation. 

“What…?” Kieran mumbled as he looked up at him with sleepy eyes.

“We’re going fishing. You said you’d show me.” Arthur reminded him, and Kieran blinked a few times before remembering. Shit.

“Oh. Yeah, sure… the… uh… fishing at night… yeah…”

“So we’re going or not?” Arthur asked, exasperated, so Kieran nodded and stood up quickly to avoid angering him, maybe too quickly, his belly still hurt from the punch and he couldn’t help but hiss at the sudden wave of pain.

Kieran cursed under his breath, causing Arthur to raise an eyebrow at him.

“What?”

“Nothing. Just some cramps. So uh… you picked out a place yet?” Kieran tried changing the subject while taking one of the fishing rods from Arthur.

“Well, no. You’re the one who knows about fishing.”

“Right. Yeah… uh… alright, I know a place. Let’s go.”

On their way to their horses he tried to convince himself that there wasn’t anything to worry about. It was just a small fishing trip with Arthur at midnight. He wasn’t as mean as Micah, but something about him still made Kieran feel nervous. It was probably due to his last experience being alone with another member of the gang...

If he wasn’t anxious enough, he caught a glimpse of Micah on their way out of camp. He glared at Kieran as he rode away. 

Talking to him or even being near him was the last thing Kieran wanted to do, but he made a mental note to explain himself to Micah as soon as he came back. Then he sighed and spurred his horse to go a little faster as he tried to forget the look on his face.


	6. Chapter 6

Kieran’s eyes were shutting, and there was nothing he could do about it. The only thing stopping him from falling off his horse was his tight grip on the reins. He was exhausted, and he was certain Arthur had noticed, since he kept glancing at him, so he wondered why Arthur had made him go fishing with him. Then, he figured that Arthur probably didn’t care how tired he was, maybe he just wanted something to do to kill boredom. Maybe that included having Kieran around in case he wanted to bully him for fun.

Kieran chose a nice spot near the bridge on the outskirts of Rhodes, so it wasn’t long before they arrived at their destination. Once there, they hitched their horses to a couple of trees and walked closer to the water. It was dark, too dark, and Kieran being Kieran, he couldn’t avoid slipping and almost falling a couple of times. The third time, he would’ve ended on the water if it wasn’t for Arthur grabbing his arm just in time.

“Thanks…” Kieran mumbled, and Arthur just grunted in response. He almost seemed annoyed with Kieran’s clumsiness.

“So… are we gonna start catching some legendary fish soon?” Arthur asked, pulling his fishing rod out of his bag.

“I’m afraid you’re asking for too much, mister- uh, Arthur.”

“Mmm. Well, I hope we catch anything at all.” 

After throwing their lines into the water, they stood there in awkward silence for a couple of minutes. It was weird, spending time with Arthur when they weren’t doing work for the gang. Fishing like this seemed like it was something one did with friends, and Kieran wasn’t even sure Arthur liked him to begin with. 

“What happened to your stomach?” Arthur suddenly asked, without taking his eyes off the water. Kieran stopped touching his belly, he didn’t even realize he was doing it until Arthur commented on it.

“Nothing. Just hungry. Maybe we can catch something for dinner, huh?” Kieran awkwardly tried to play it off as a joke, but Arthur didn’t laugh or react at all.

“It was that guy in the alley, wasn’t it? Really? You let him punch you twice?”

“I didn’t!” Kieran said with a frown, then he stopped to think. This might be a good way to hide what actually happened. “I… It’s just that I was distracted...”

“Jeez. You wouldn’t make it on your own for five minutes.” 

Kieran glared at him for a moment. He was tired and in pain, and he didn’t feel like putting up with more humiliation on top of that.

“You know, I think all this talking might be scaring the fish.” Kieran said through gritted teeth, and now it was Arthur who turned to look at him. Kieran couldn’t see his face, but he was raising his eyebrows at him.

“Did you just tell me to shut up?”

Kieran didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to expect, but hearing a snort and a chuckle really took him by surprise. 

“Well, looks like you’re making progress. If you point that anger in the right direction and work on your delivery, you might be useful to us after all. Hell, soon you’ll be the one intimidating debtors and not me.”

“Why? So I can be an angry killing machine like you?” 

“Hey! Watch your mouth, O’driscoll. Who do you think you’re-?”

Suddenly, they both heard laughter and splashing in the water, distracting them from their argument.

They struggled to see through some fog, but they could see two figures playing in the water. Then hugging. Then kissing...

“Are those… naked men…?” Arthur trailed off, looking at the couple laughing and splashing each other.

“Aren’t there alligators in these waters…?” Kieran mumbled to himself, looking at them with the same confused expression as Arthur.

“Hey! You there, watch the line, we’re trying to fish here.” Arthur called, and the men gasped when they realized they weren’t alone.

“S-sorry uh… we just… we, uh…” One of them tried to explain.

“I don’t care, just move.”

The men got out of the water, and Kieran blushed a little as he caught a glimpse of their naked bodies as they hurried to get their clothes and leave. He was glad it was dark, or Arthur would probably use it to bully him further.

“Well, guess now I know why you come here alone at night.”

Kieran rolled his eyes so hard he gave himself a headache. Arthur just couldn’t let a single opportunity go, could he?

“Relax, It’s just a joke. Plus I'm not judging.” Arthur looked back at the water and shrugged. “I’m in no position to judge… “ He mumbled. Kieran blinked in surprise. What was that supposed to mean? He considered asking, but he knew Arthur would just tell him to shut up or ignore him, so he just sighed.

They didn’t continue their argument from earlier, but the tension between them was still present. Especially for Kieran, who was already in a bad mood. 

It was hard, feeling upset or angry and never being able to show it because of the risk of others punishing him for giving them an attitude. It had been the same with the O’Driscolls. He had to be submissive and obedient with them too, and he was starting to get sick of it.

“Wait, I think I know who it was...” Arthur said all of a sudden.

“Uh…who?”

“Oh c’mon, you know who I'm talking about. That rat.”

“Oh… “ Kieran shifted uncomfortably at the mention of Micah.

“Still haven’t done anything about it?”

“What am I supposed to do?” Kieran huffed. 

“Kick his ass?”

“Yeah it’s easy for you to say it, you wouldn’t face any consequences.” 

“Hell yeah I would. It seems like that son of a bitch has turned into Dutch’s favorite slave...”

“Is that what you think we are?” Kieran asked curiously. 

“We’re not talking about me…” Arthur said clearing his throat. “So, let’s say you didn’t face any consequences, what would you like to do to him?”

Kieran blinked a few times. The things he wanted to do to him, he only ever thought about them. It was strange, getting to say them out loud, even more so sharing those ideas with someone else. But he was more than willing to do so.

“I’d like to shoot him.”

“That it?” 

“I’d shoot him in the dick.” 

Arthur smiled.

“Hell yeah.”

They both chuckled and continued adding more ways in which they’d like to finish that rat off.

“So once he’s tied up, I’d leave him near a wasp’s nest and shoot it from a distance so it falls right on top of him.” Arthur finished with a smile, Kieran couldn’t help but chuckle. “Wait, did I forget to tell ya the part where I drag him from my horse through pig shit?”

Kieran laughed and nodded.

“I think you did.” They both laughed. “This is fun.”

“Yeah well, you know what they say, hating on the same things is the best way to bond with others.”

“I didn’t think you had given much thought to what you’d like to do to him, but… you’ve a lot of ideas.”

“Well, he’s been insufferable since the day he arrived.” Arthur stared for a moment at the bruise in Kieran’s cheek. “But I think you already know that...”

Kieran looked away, feeling self conscious of the injuries Micah had left on his body. Fortunately, the only visible one was the bruise.

Speaking of Micah hurting him, it was probably time for him to go back. Just remembering the look on his face gave Kieran a really bad feeling. 

“Maybe we should go now…” Kieran mumbled.

“Mmhm, guess those two swimmers scared all the fish. Maybe some other time.” Arthur gave him the faintest smile and started reeling the line back in. It was so unexpected and quick Kieran might have missed it. But he didn’t, and it made Kieran feel… good. 

They rode back to camp in comfortable silence and before he left for his tent, Arthur even said ‘good night’ to Kieran and quickly walked away. Kieran stood there watching him for a few seconds before Branwen nudged him and he came back to reality.

After that, he looked for Micah all over, but he was gone, he had probably left around the same time they had and he hadn’t come back. Kieran felt relieved at not having to see him, so he just went back to his tree and, strangely enough, he managed to sleep for the rest of the night without interruptions.

A couple of days went by and Kieran continued to steal money for Micah without any trouble. But despite the fact that he was doing a good job, Micah’s attitude towards him hadn’t changed. In fact, it had gotten progressively worse. Micah was rude, and creepy as ever. Always calling him names, shoving him when he walked past him, and even touching his ass again ˋby accident´. But Kieran had sadly grown used to his mistreatment, and he just bottled up his anger and frustration and carried on. 

But there was someone who’s behavior had changed. Just a little.

It wasn’t obvious at first, but Arthur was less aggressive most days. He greeted Kieran in the mornings, and called him by his name instead of ‘O’Driscoll’. He had even started the habit of letting Kieran know whenever lunch was ready, this allowed him to get better portions and not just the scraps as he used to. 

He had also invited Kieran to go fishing with him a couple more times. During those evenings they spent their time talking about Micah, and Kieran came back from those conversations feeling just a tiny bit better after getting to express how much he hated him. It was therapeutic, and now he looked forward to those fishing trips more and more.

Unfortunately, Micah had the habit of ruining all good things, and this time was no different.

Kieran had already made plans to go fishing with Arthur that evening, but at the last minute Micah had showed up and told him to go steal more money, and that he’d go with him again to make sure everything was in order. Saying ‘no’ wasn’t an option, so Kieran nodded and agreed to meet him at the crossroads again.

If Arthur wasn’t happy about canceling their fishing trip, he didn’t say much about it. He just grunted and shrugged. Said that he had “other things to do anyway” and left camp with Javier and Lenny. 

When it was time to leave, Micah made them share his horse again, and Kieran had to put up with another uncomfortable trip to Bolger Glade and then back to Radley’s Pasture.

“Hurry up, idiot.” Micah said behind him as Kieran crouched to look for the hidden box.

Each time Micah opened his mouth Kieran felt closer to his breaking point, he had been insulting him the whole trip. But he kept reminding himself that he just had to do this last step and Micah would leave him alone. Just a bit more. 

It wasn’t so late, maybe he could still get Arthur to go fishing with him. God knows he had some stuff to get off his chest at that point. 

He followed the usual procedure of dusting the dirt and leaves off, then removing the plank and bending over to reach the bottom of the hole with his arm. But he froze in place as he heard a gun being cocked right behind him. 

He was scared and confused. But there wasn’t a lot to be confused about, it was Micah after all. He should’ve expected it. What an idiot he was.

He didn’t have to turn around to know Micah was pointing his gun at him. Right at the back of his head. It didn’t matter that he had done everything he wanted, Micah was never satisfied, and now he was going to kill him, and Kieran didn’t even know what he had done wrong to deserve it.

“Micah…” Kieran started in a shaky voice.

“Shut up.” Micah suddenly reached and pulled Kieran’s pistol out of its holster and threw it far away from him. Oh god. He was definitely going to die. He had no chance now. 

“Micah-“

“I said shut up!” Micah yelled and pushed the cold metal of the barrel against Kieran’s head. Kieran shuddered and closed his eyes. Waiting for him to shoot him every second, but nothing happened. “Keep your mouth shut… or you’ll fucking regret it.”

Kieran swallowed and got more nervous as the seconds went by, if Micah hadn’t killed him already, then what the hell did he want? 

He got his answer a second later. 

Micah’s hand reached around his hip to the front of his pants and fumbled for his belt, trying to undo it with one hand. Kieran’s eyes grew wide and he immediately tried to get up, but Micah pistol whipped him in the head.

“Don’t fucking move!”

Kieran cried and held his head as the pain made his vision blurry. He could still feel Micah’s hand fumbling with his belt. 

“Had fun fishing with Morgan? Huh?!” Micah managed to unbuckle his belt and he pulled it out of the pant loops. “Talking about me?! I bet you thought I’d never find out!”

Micah used the belt to hit Kieran repeatedly all over his body.

“No! Please don’t! I’m sorry!”

Kieran attempted to get up a second time and Micah caught him by the hair and dragged him to the ground as he screamed and begged him to let him go. 

He kicked and pushed and even dug his nails on him as much as he could, but Micah straddled him, and now sick of hearing him scream, he wrapped his hands around Kieran’s throat and started strangling him. 

Kieran could only see Micah’s shadow over him, but even in the darkness of the night he caught a glimpse of a sick smile on Micah’s face as everything started to fade away…

Then Micah let go.

Kieran coughed and gasped for air as Micah started undoing his own pants, and then in just a few seconds he pulled Kieran pants down, along with his underwear and turned him around so he was on his belly. 

Kieran sobbed and tried to crawl away but with the weight of Micah on his back it was difficult. 

“You know, I don’t think you’re scared enough.” Micah said in a calm voice then spit in his hand and started stroking himself. “How about we try something else?” 

“I’m so sorry… please… I didn’t mean any of it. I’m so sorry!”

“I got something i’m sure will shut you up.” 

Kieran felt the barrel of the gun being removed from the back of his head and then the cold blade of that knife Micah is always playing with being pressed against his cheek, and then slicing through his skin. 

“Ahhh!!” Kieran cried and felt blood dripping down his face .

“Now, you either shut up, or I’ll gut you. Your choice, or I can gut you right now if you want, I bet you’d stay warm for a while.” Micah laughed and poked Kieran’s side with the knife making him yelp and cry. “So, are you going to keep quiet now?”

Kieran felt disgusted, for making himself nod and stay still, but he was so scared and he felt so helpless. He didn’t want to die such a horrible death, so he had no choice. He shut his eyes as tightly as he could and tensed all over as soon as he felt Micah’s hands spreading him open and being spit on. 

What followed was a pain probably worse than what being gutted would be like. But it was too late to do anything about it. He could only whimper and sob into Micah’s hand pressed tightly over his mouth as he used him for what felt like an eternity. 

———————————————————

Afterwards everything was quiet, even Kieran’s own cries had eventually died down halfway through. No one was going to help him anyway. 

“I think I like you a lot more now, O’Driscoll.” Micah chuckled as he finished buckling his belt, then casually pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up. “We should do this more often.” 

Kieran didn’t answer, he laid motionless on the ground, facing away from him. 

“Not in the mood for talking anymore, huh?” Micah picked up Kieran’s clothes and threw them at him. He didn’t even flinch. “See you at camp. Don’t forget to hide the box.”

Kieran shuddered as a boot stepped right next to his head and then stared straight ahead as Micah walked away. He didn’t move for several minutes and when he did pain shot through his entire body.

He looked around and spotted his gun laying on the dirt a few steps away from him. He had to crawl to get it. His legs were still too shaky to stand up and everything hurt so much. 

He held it in his hands and sat up. There was no way to avoid seeing all the bruises all over his body, though he tried. Then he sobbed as he saw the blood smeared on the inside of his thighs.

He looked at the gun again, and he realized he had never before felt such a strong urge to end his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made more art for this chapter. You can check it out here
> 
> https://grabby-hands-for-dettlaff.tumblr.com/post/187022418797/bonding-over-hating-micah-an-extra-scene-from


	7. Chapter 7

It was early in the morning when Arthur, Javier and Lenny rode back to camp. Way too early, according to Abigail, who yelled at them for being too loud on their arrival while everyone was trying to sleep. But, well, they weren’t known for being quiet drunks.

What had started as an evening of stagecoach robbing had ended up on a night of endless beer accompanied by a couple of pretty working girls. The stagecoach robbery had gone well, very well, and Lenny suggested they had to celebrate despite Arthur’s constant reminders of how their last night out drinking had ended up. Javier just had to put a beer in his hand to get him to agree. Everything else was a blur from there.

At some point Lenny and Javier had found some girls and disappeared for a while, leaving Arthur to finish his drink alone. He felt a little grumpy for some reason, though he couldn’t remember why. It was probably the alcohol. When he got tired of sulking on his own, he got up and left. Javier and Lenny managed to catch up with him just before he made it to camp. 

They had the intention of continuing their small party there, but it only took Abigail threatening them with a frying pan for them to head over to their respective tents and go to bed. 

Now, the sun was out, and Arthur was still laying face down on his cot and snoring loudly. He was fully dressed, and even had his hat still on. 

“Quite the night you had, huh?” Hosea’s voice woke him up. Arthur grunted and shifted until he was facing up.

“Mmmwhat time is it?”

“Too late to still be in bed.”

“What, I’m not allowed to have fun?” He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

“According to Javier and Lenny you were sulking more than anything.” Hosea chuckled, and Arthur grumbled something. “I need your help with something, but eat breakfast first. You look awful.” 

“Thanks, Hosea…”

Hosea smiled and left his tent. Arthur opened his eyes for a split second and regretted it immediately. His head was killing him, everything was too bright. But he had to get up.

“Aww shit…” He stretched and yawned before getting up and washing his face. 

He doubted breakfast would make him feel any better, considering how much Pearson’s cooking sucked, but he had to eat after all. With that, he headed towards the pot.

“Morning, Mr. Morgan.” Micah greeted him with a smirk as he poured himself some stew. Arthur just squinted at him and grabbed a plate. “Damn it, Arthur. Where are your manners? I just said ‘morning’.”

Arthur sighed and stared at him with an annoyed expression. “Morning. There. Can you fuck off now?” 

Micah laughed and started walking away. “They don’t lie when they say you’re one grumpy cowboy.”

Arthur glared at him and finished pouring himself stew. Then, he walked over to one of the tables and sat down next to Bill and John. 

He greeted them briefly and started eating in silence, too tired and hungover to pay attention to their conversation, though he did hear something about Bill trying to convince John the earth was ‘something like a sheet’. John just squinted and hummed in response. 

Arthur looked around camp and saw everyone working, so naturally he turned to the horses to try to see what Kieran was up to this morning… or afternoon? But he didn’t find the nervous little man. He figured he was somewhere else and continued eating his breakfast, meeting up with Hosea afterwards.

Turned out Hosea needed him for another embarrassing job where he had to dress up and play Hosea’s dumb brother. At least he didn’t have to talk a lot, and his current hangover helped him play the dumb part pretty well. Hell, he probably didn’t need the alcohol at all for that.

When he came back, he walked past the horses, and still, there was no sign of Kieran. 

Then by the time lunch was ready, he still hadn’t showed up. That’s when he decided to look for him in every corner of the camp. He could’ve asked someone, but he didn’t want to be obvious about it. After all, Bill had noticed they were fishing buddies lately, and he had started saying some dumb shit about them. He didn’t want to fuel any more of those rumors. But each passing minute, it was harder not to ask about him. Though he doubted it would help, no one else seemed to notice his absence. Or so he thought.

“Morgan.” 

Micah walked up to him, casually holding a cigarette in his too shaky hand. 

“What do you want?” 

“Easy, just wanted to know if, uh… you’ve seen the O’Driscoll boy? Baylock needs some maintenance, and I haven’t seen the little shit around today.”

“Shouldn't you know where he is? He's your personal punching bag after all.”

“Well, I wouldn't have to beat him up so much if he did his damn job.” Micah frowned and started walking away, but stopped as Arthur called his name. “Yes, brother?” Micah answered sarcastically.

“If you do see him… could you let me know?”

Micah smirked.

“Of course.”

Arthur sighed. He didn’t know why he asked. Like fucking Micah Bell was going to help him in any way. But he was getting anxious. Why, exactly? He couldn’t really tell, but he had a really bad feeling. 

By nightfall, Arthur had spent too much time thinking of where Kieran could have possibly gone to. So, he decided to mount his horse and go look for him in the surrounding area. He didn’t think he would be at their usual fishing spot, but it was worth the chance taking a look. Unfortunately, just as he had expected, Kieran wasn’t there.

He went back to Clemens Point after an hour of looking around and on his way to his tent, he saw Micah talking to Dutch. It always made him want to vomit, seeing the way Micah stood so close to the man he considered his father. He was about to turn around to avoid the sight when he noticed the strange look on Dutch’s face.

He frowned deeply and looked at Micah with concern. Arthur couldn’t see Micah’s face from where he was standing, and it all seemed too strange to him. Especially when Dutch got up and headed for his horse, followed by Micah. All in the middle of the night. 

“Is something wrong?” Arthur tried to ask Dutch, but Dutch didn’t even seem to have heard him. He was still frowning and looking worried.

“Go to bed Morgan. We’re just checking something out.” Micah answered for him.

“Want me to come with?” Arthur ignored Micah and asked Dutch, but he ignored him again and spurred his horse on. 

“You’ve been working very hard lately, cowpoke. Take a break. We got this.” Micah said with a smile and quickly caught up with Dutch, leaving Arthur confused and angry at being ignored and left behind by Dutch. And all for that rat.

He could barely sleep that night thinking there was something very wrong going on, and when Hosea went to his tent the next morning to ask him to go with him to the center of the camp because Dutch had an announcement, Arthur knew things were only going to get worse...

“We have been robbed!” Dutch yelled, standing on top of a box of produce. In another situation, Arthur would find it funny, but right now he could only listen and look at everyone with a confused expression. “Betrayed! Ruined! And all for being compassionate!”

Arthur didn’t understand what the hell was he talking about! and by the look on Hosea’s face, he didn’t either. Had Dutch finally lost his mind?

“We should’ve killed that little rat when we had the chance… but no, we didn’t, because he saved Arthur’s life and now he has screwed us all over…” Dutch lamented. 

Arthur knew exactly who he was talking about and immediately fear and doubt filled his mind and his heart.

“What the hell is this about?” Arthur raised his voice, trying to get Dutch to get to the point. Dutch frowned and straightened up. 

“Kieran Duffy, that disgusting O’Driscoll, has ran away with all of our money! All of it!”

Everyone gasped and looked at each other incredulously. Some of the girls covering their mouths. Some of the guys making fists with their hands. 

“The only chance we had at escaping the Pinkertons and Cornwall’s men, our new start, he has ruined it!”

The gang started to get worked up, cursing and talking over one another about what to do. Arthur had to raise his voice a lot to get Dutch to listen to him.

“How do you know it was him?”

“Excuse me?” Dutch asked offended. Arthur could feel Hosea’s hand on his shoulder, but he ignored it and repeated his question. “Arthur… do you know where Mr Duffy is right now?”

“No.”

“Do you have any idea where he has been since yesterday?”

“No… but-“

“Didn’t you tell me that he had suspiciously left in the middle of the night one time?” 

“Well, yeah but he was… fishing…” Arthur lowered his voice. It was a bit weird, but how the hell did Kieran know where the gang’s money was? Nobody but Dutch knew the location. Hell, not even Hosea was aware of it. But Kieran did seem a bit nervous when Arthur asked him about it. And if he was so invisible to the gang he could’ve gotten away with following Dutch to the money’s location without anyone noticing.

“Now that I recall, Micah asked him if he had been talking to the O’Driscolls once, and he seemed very nervous about it.” Bill added.

“That’s right.” Micah nodded. Arthur hadn’t noticed him until then and he was more or less standing behind Dutch. Probably because since the announcement had started he had remained very quiet.

“Yeah but have you talked to him? He gets nervous if you ask him what time it is.” Lenny pointed out.

“Well, he’s the only one missing here, same as our money! What other proof do you need?!”

“I don’t know I…” Arthur started and then Javier came forward.

“Actually… I noticed something too.”

Arthur looked at Javier, worried of what he was going to say.

“I caught him once in your tent, Arthur. He was sort of looking at your stuff. I thought it was very strange. He seemed nervous too…”

Arthur swallowed. He didn’t know what to think anymore. Sure, it might not mean anything, but Javier wasn’t an idiot like Bill, a liar like Micah, or impulsive like Dutch. He must be telling the truth, and Arthur had to admit that the evidence was starting to look too incriminating. No matter how much he wanted to believe otherwise.

Kieran had also canceled their fishing trip all of a sudden after all… right before vanishing.

Arthur sighed and nodded. 

“So what do we do now?” He asked Dutch.

“We’ll hunt him down.”

———————————

The frigid air and rain crept inside the wagon from all windows and doors, it was completely exposed to the weather outside and Kieran shuddered and wrapped his arms tighter around himself. Somehow, the cold hadn’t woke him up, he just curled into a ball and continued sleeping on his seat, completely unaware of the strange glances the other passengers kept giving him.

He was covered in dirt and he had a fresh cut on his cheek, still smeared with dried blood. It was no wonder the men working in the train had asked if he had a ticket several times. He clutched it tightly in his hand for the next time someone confused him with a vagabond. Which he basically was now…

After Micah had left and Kieran suffered the aftermath of what he had done to him, he had considered ending his life right there and then. But there was a problem, he didn’t have the guts to pull the trigger. 

Even after such a horrible experience, and with all the pain and feelings of disgust and shame, he couldn’t do it. And he felt even worse. He even wished for a moment Micah had killed him, but avoiding that was what had gotten him raped in the first place… he chose life over dead and that’s what he had gotten in result. With Micah there was just no easy way out. 

So instead of killing himself, he put his clothes back on, took all the money he had stolen for Micah and stared a painful and exhausting trip to Rhodes. There was no way he was going back with the gang. If Micah could get away with this once, nothing could stop him from raping Kieran over and over again. Plus, he never wanted to see him again. Or anybody from camp. The only one he’d miss is Branwen. God, he’s going to miss her so much.

When he got to the station, he asked for a ticket to a ‘far away’ destination. He didn’t care which one. He didn’t even remember what the man called the place. He just paid and got on when the train arrived, not caring about how everyone was looking at him. He sat at the very back of the wagon so he could cry in peace until he eventually fell asleep.

When someone tapped his shoulder again, he groaned and showed them the ticket without even opening his eyes. 

“Sir, this is the last stop. You have to leave.”

Kieran frowned and sat up, looking around disoriented. The wagon was empty now, except for him. Outside was dark, he had no idea how long he had been traveling or where he had arrived. He just knew it was cold as hell and he was far away from Rhodes, that at least he had planned.

“Where…? What…?”

“This is Wallace station. You have to leave now, sir.” The employee repeated, and Kieran nodded and stood up, pulling a face and hissing. The man gave him a look, but Kieran ignored it and held onto the seats as he limped his way out of the wagon. 

The rain was even colder than the air, and he shivered as soon as he felt the raindrops hit his face and arms. Fortunately, the station had a small roof where he could cover himself from the rain, though there was nothing he could do about the cold air. He was severely underdressed for that kind of weather. 

Wallace station was a tiny building in the middle of nowhere. Wherever he looked, Kieran could only see the forest and the train tracks that disappeared into the darkness. And once the train left, he was completely alone. Of course he was, who else would come to such a place? 

He sat at one of the benches on the platform, clutching his bag close to his chest. Everything he had to survive was in that bag, he still had no idea what he was going to do with the $442 dollars he stole from Micah’s box, but he felt like he needed to protect it with his life, or else he’d be dead in a couple of days.

Actually, maybe a couple of hours, he was sure to die of hypothermia if he didn’t find a way to warm up soon. 

He stood up and looked around the station. On one side there was a closed ticket office. He regretted not having asked the man in the train the hour, at least like that he wouldn’t feel so disoriented, and he would know how long he would have to wait for someone to come back. He wanted to believe people did work in that station. 

There was a clock on the platform, but it was of no use, both hands were stuck on ten. Even a small inconvenience like not knowing the hour made him start to panic, and think he was completely helpless. Just like with Micah. No, he couldn’t allow himself to think about that again. He wasn’t about to relive it. 

Kieran shook his head and limped to the other side of the building, where there was a door and a couple of windows. He looked inside, and he felt immense relief when he saw a person and a fireplace. It seemed like it was a store, so it was even better, he had an excuse to go inside.

But when he tried to open the door, he realized it was locked.

“We’re closed!” The man sitting by the fire called from inside.


	8. Chapter 8

Kieran sighed. “It’s an emergency.” He tried, and the man inside snorted.

“You think I’m dumb or something? You’re not the first to use that excuse. Come back in the morning.”

Kieran walked over to the window, and the man’s eyes went wide looking at Kieran’s dirty face and the blood on his cheek.

“Can I just buy a coat?”

“Good lord, you better leave now. If my husband sees you around here looking like that, he’ll shoot you.”

“Please-“

“I’m not opening that door!” The man crossed his arms, and Kieran sighed and stepped away from the window. He sat on the bench outside and wrapped his arms around himself. He couldn’t stop shivering. He never thought he’d say this, but he missed the damned heat of Lemoyne. 

Considering where he was, his best option was to stay and wait until the morning for the store to open. That way he could buy a coat and some food, maybe ask about the area, and then he’d be on his way to… well, he still needed to figure that out. 

He just hoped he could survive the night, because at this rate he was going to freeze to death. 

“You still there?” 

Kieran stood up quickly, expecting to find the barrel of a gun being pointed at him, but instead he just saw the store owner looking at him annoyed from the window.

“You said to wait until the morning.” Kieran mumbled, holding his hands in the air. 

The owner huffed and went back inside. Kieran expected him to leave him alone after that, so he was confused when he heard the sound of keys and the door being opened just an inch.

“You got any guns on you?” The owner asked through the crack. 

“Y-yeah… just one.”

“Knives?”

“No…”

The man hesitated, then told Kieran to pass him his gun. 

“But-“

“You want to come inside or not? Give me the gun, or you’re staying there.”

Kieran stood up and handed him his pistol with a shaky hand. Then, the man closed the door a moment and opened it again, wide enough for Kieran to walk in.

“Try something and you’ll pay for it with your life.” The man warned him in a threatening tone, and Kieran just nodded and stepped inside. The relief was immediate, the room was warm and cozy. Slowly but surely, Kieran regained feeling in his fingers. 

He rubbed his arms and looked around the store. It was poorly stocked, but there was a backdoor where he suspected they kept more goods, or maybe that’s where the owner and his husband slept. 

“You have a name?” The man asked, still looking at Kieran suspiciously.

“H-Henry…” He lied. If it was the lie or the cold that made him stutter, he was not sure. He didn’t feel good about it, but he thought it necessary. Just in case. He couldn’t stop staring at the fireplace and the comfy looking chairs in front of it. 

“Hm, what are you doing up here, Henry? You don’t look like you are familiar with the place.”

“I’m not.” Kieran looked at his feet. “I’m… trying to find a new home.”

The man snorted and walked behind the counter, pulling a crate covered in cloth and setting it on top of the counter. “Well good luck with that, this is a harsh place. Not the best one to call a home.”

Kieran remained quiet, and the man raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well? You wanted to buy a coat, didn’t you?” He said, glancing at the crate in front of him.

“Oh, y-yeah!” Kieran approached the counter, his limp still too noticeable, so the owner didn’t stop staring at him while Kieran looked through the different coats. It made Kieran very uncomfortable, and it brought back awful memories of a certain ugly blond man who had the habit of staring at him for way too long. Thankfully, all the man did was ask about his current state, Kieran wanted to believe the staring was because of it. 

“Oh… uh, you’ve said it, it’s a harsh place… “ Kieran lied again, trying to avoid eye contact as he put on a thick dark coat.

“Oh, I see, you’ve already run into one of our local outlaws, haven’t you?”

“Yeah...are there many around here?” He liked the coat. It was warm and soft, and it had big pockets where he could stick his still-too-numb hands. 

“A couple. But I wouldn’t worry too much about them. Bears, now those are the ones you have to look out for.”

“Bears…?” Kieran asked a bit scared. What the hell was he going to do if he ever encountered one?

“Yeah.” The man smiled. “Real sneaky those little shits. I’m always worried about my husband, but thankfully he always carries his Rolling Block Rifle when he goes out hunting. I have a couple of spare ones, would you like to buy one too with the coat?”

“Uh… “ Kieran pictured himself in front of a huge bear and just holding his small pistol in his hand. He swallowed nervously. “Sure…”

“Excellent!” The owner picked up a riffle and placed it on the counter, along with a box of high speed ammunition. “I’ll give you this on your way out, anything else?”

Kieran ended up buying a bedroll, some canned food, a lighter and bits of cheese to fish with later. He hadn’t expected to buy so many things, but he considered he would really need those, plus, he wanted to stay inside the warm store as long as he could.

“Alright, that would be $189.87.”

Kieran sighed and reached inside his bag, careful not to show how much money he was carrying with him, and payed for the stuff. Then, as slowly as he could he started putting everything inside his bag, mentally preparing himself to go back to the cold. At least now he had a lighter and could start a fire. Just when he was about to grab his new rifle, the owner stopped him.

“Wait. That cut on your face looks like it needs stitches.”

Kieran stared at him confused for a few seconds.

“I’m not the best nurse but, I do know how to sew. Plus, I’ve done it before for Oliver. Come on.”

The owner reached behind the counter and grabbed a box which Kieran assumed was a first aid kit, then he walked towards the chairs by the fire and pointed to one of them.

Kieran still struggled to walk, and sitting down was still just as painful, he couldn’t help but wince or pull a face whenever he had to sit, so he wasn’t surprised when the owner finally asked him about it.

“Did they hurt your leg or something?” The man dampened a piece of cotton with alcohol.

“Yeah, something like that… “ Kieran stared directly into the fire, trying hard not to remember what had happened to him.

“You don’t look like you want to talk about it.”

“I don’t.”

“Fair enough. This will hurt.” 

Kieran hissed as the man cleaned his wound with the alcohol. It hurt more than when he got it, probably because back then he was too scared to really feel the pain. Damn it, he’s starting to think about it again.

“Do you have a name, sir?” Kieran asked, trying to distract himself from those thoughts, and from the pain of getting stitches. 

“Marcus, Marcus Wheeler.”

“You said you had a husband?”

Marcus smiled softly, he didn’t seem as scary when he smiled like that.

“Yeah, Oliver.” 

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

“And that must be him.” Marcus stood up and went to open the door. A large man walked in, carrying a couple of dead rabbits over his shoulder and a rifle over the other. He took one look at Kieran and frowned.

“Who’s that?” Oliver asked his husband.

“A traveler, he had some kind of accident. I was just helping him.”

“Did you check if he has any guns?” Oliver whispered. 

“Of course I did! I’ve been working here for years you silly, I know what I’m doing.” 

Oliver rolled his eyes, but he stopped glaring at Kieran.

“Now please go clean yourself up, you’re covered in blood. And leave those on the table.” 

Kieran just kept staring at the fire. He didn’t want to cause any type of inconvenience, so he would probably leave soon. But his wound was still half open.

“I’m sorry about that, he doesn’t trust strangers, none of us do, really…”

“I understand.”

Marcus grabbed the needle and continued his work, causing Kieran to wince and hiss in pain.

“So where are you going after this?”

“I don’t know… I guess I'll try to find a river where I can fish.” Kieran answered, though his main concern was getting to wash the blood off his thighs...

“There’s one nearby, if you follow the trail right in front of the station, you’ll get to it eventually.”

Kieran humed and remained quiet as Marcus finished stitching up his wound. Then, once he was done, Kieran stood up and thanked him. Marcus gave him his new rifle and wished him luck with a pat on the back. 

With a patch on his cheek and a slightly heavier bag, Kieran stepped out of Marcus’ store and took a deep breath as he stared at the dark road ahead of him. The temperature had dropped by what felt like a couple more degrees, but at least now he didn’t feel like his body was going numb.

He could make it. He kept telling himself that as he took the first steps in the trees’ direction. 

————————————————-

Arthur’s shirt stuck to his back where there was a wide wet patch. It was probably one of the hottest days he had experienced ever since they had arrived in Lemoyne, and riding in the sun for hours wasn’t helping his situation. At least he was done looking around the swamps, the humidity was going to kill him if he stayed much longer.

The gang was still working to get the Braithwaite´s and the Gray´s gold, they couldn’t afford to send everyone out looking for Kieran, so they relied heavily on their best trackers, meaning Charles, Javier, Bill, and of course, Arthur.

Though some other members helped too, in whatever way they could. Trelawny asking around with his many contacts, and Micah intimidating people into telling him if they had seen Kieran. It wasn’t helping at all.

Arthur had already checked in every corner of Rhodes, but he needed a break, a bath and a beer, that’s exactly what he needed. Then, on his way to the saloon, he got an idea and started walking in the opposite direction.

“Oh, Mr Kilgore! It’s nice to see you around here again. I have some fresh new details about some stagecoaches arriving this week…” 

The man at the ticket office in Rhodes station greeted Arthur with a conspirative smile, as usual. With how observant Alden was, Arthur figured he could have some important information about Kieran’s whereabouts. After having looked for him all over Lemoyne, Arthur was now convinced Kieran was probably far away. And if he went away so fast, he must’ve done it by train.

Arthur shook his head and took another drag of his cigarette. His fourth one already.

“Not today, Alden. I’m looking for something else.”

“Of course, I'll tell you everything I know. If the price is right…”

Arthur glared at him, and Alden nervously chuckled.

“O-or maybe I’ll just help you because you’re a friend. Haha… uh… I’m listening.”

“Good. I’m looking for a man that might’ve been here a couple of days ago, white, around 30, has a beard, straight dark hair, looks like if you ask him something he will cry.”

“Uh… I don’t know…”

Arthur sighed, but then he remembered something. He hesitated at first but he reached into his bag and pulled out his journal. He quickly looked for the page and held the journal open for Alden to see, though not too open, he didn’t want anyone else to see it.

It wasn’t a very detailed drawing, and Kieran wasn’t even completely facing front in it, but he hoped at least it helped. 

“Looks more or less like this.” Arthur grumbled, taking another drag of his cigarette. 

“Huh… “ Alden squinted and stroked his chin. “Yeah, I don’t know, doesn’t seem very familiar. But it’s a fantastic drawing, did you make th-“

Arthur snapped his journal closed and shoved it in his bag.

“Fine. Thanks.”

Arthur started walking out of the station, but Alden called his name.

“Wait! Mr Kilgore! I think I remembered something.”

Arthur sighed and walked back to the window.

“You better not be making it up.”

“I’m not! I just didn’t remember until now, plus you didn’t mention the cut!”

“Cut?” Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, he looked more or less like that but dirtier. And he had a nasty fresh cut on his face, uh… on his forehead I think…?”

“Yeah, probably not him.” Arthur sighed.

“Oh well. I’m sorry. I hope you find your friend.”

“Thanks.”

Arthur started walking away again, but stopped in his tracks just a couple of steps away.

“Where did this man travel to?”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: pretty graphic flashback at the beginning. 
> 
> Btw I made some art for the fic, specifically for chapter 6. You can find the link to it in the notes at the bottom of that chapter if you want to check it out.
> 
> Thanks again for reading!

There was pressure in his head. He had to move his face to the side so that he wouldn’t suffocate. But he could barely move, the hand pushed and pushed until his face was buried in the dirt. Micah had already taken his hand off his mouth and was now using it to hold him in place.

Kieran hissed and sobbed. It was the worst pain in the world. And it was constant and endless.

“You like that, don’t you?” Micah whispered in his ear and thrusted hard, rocking Kieran’s entire body and forcing another whimper out of his mouth.

“P-please… no more…” 

“I’ll fuck you for as long as I want. No one is coming to save you, you little O’Driscoll slut.” Micah pulled his hair so hard tears immediately fell from Kieran’s eyes. “Why don’t you call your boyfriend, Arthur? See if he cares. Come on, call him!”

“Please stop!” Kieran cried, and Micah started moving harder and faster. 

“Do it!”

“Arthur!”

——————————————

Kieran woke up suddenly, gasping for air and covered in sweat despite the low temperature. His heart was racing, and he put his face in his hands as the memories all came back at once.

He couldn’t stop shaking for a long time. Then, as he looked up and saw the darkness and the trees surrounding him, he felt scared, helpless, and exposed. As if Micah would walk out of those trees with that sick smile of his and repeat what he did back in Radley’s Pasture. 

It had been four days since he had set up his camp to the north of Wallace Station. He wasn’t too far from there, but it had taken him a ridiculously long time to get where he was right now.

The trail wasn’t an easy one to walk on foot, especially in his condition. Plus, it was cold, dark, and unsettling, being out here on his own. Kieran had spent the first hour of the walk feeling like he was being followed. He knew he was probably just being paranoid, but that made him take several breaks to hide and look around to see if there was anyone nearby. But it seemed safe enough, so he stayed.

Then, once he found the river Marcus had mentioned, he desperately wanted to clean himself up, but just testing the water’s temperature with his fingertips made him reconsider. Instead, he collected a bit of water and heated it up by the fire later that evening. Pulling his pants and underwear down wasn’t pleasant either, but at least he didn’t have to deal with freezing water. 

The cut on his face thankfully felt like it was healing well, though he was sure it’d leave a nasty scar. He’d have to avoid mirrors for a long time… But he didn’t know for how long he would have those awful nightmares though. Especially considering it seemed like they were only getting started. He sighed and tried to go back to sleep.

But then he heard the crunch of a few leaves and twigs nearby. He didn’t have to reach for his rifle, he slept holding it, so he immediately adjusted his grip on it and pointed it to where the sound came from, hoping to God it wasn’t one of those bears Marcus had told him about.

He slowly got up and walked to where the sound had come from, still holding the rifle steadily. He didn’t go through all that just to get killed by some damn outlaw on the side of the road. He would kill if he had to. 

Thankfully, he didn’t.

“Don’t shoot.” A deep voice called from behind a tree. It was familiar but strange at the same time. A man walked out of his hiding spot, and Kieran recognized the large man as Marcus’ husband.

“Oliver…?”

“Yeah. You’re Henry, right?” The man walked up closer. “Put that thing down, you’re making me nervous.” Oliver pushed the barrel of Kieran’s rifle down. What the hell was he doing here? 

“Yeah. What- why- what…?”

“Marcus sent me to get you. Apparently a man came by the store yesterday asking about you. Marcus thinks you’d be safer at the store with us.”

“A man…?” Kieran blinked confused. Then a face popped into his mind. Micah. “Wh- what did he look like? Why is he looking for me?” 

“I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Marcus just told me to get you.” Oliver shrugged and rubbed his arms.

Micah was looking for him. It had to be him. He must’ve noticed Kieran had stolen his money, but did he really come all the way here just to get it back? No, he wasn’t there to get it back. He was looking for him to punish him. 

The tears started falling before he could do anything about them. He could hear Oliver asking him something, but all of a sudden he felt dizzy, then like he couldn’t breathe as his mind was flooded with memories of Micah and that awful night. 

“Hey! Henry!” Oliver got close and shook him. Kieran was gasping for air and sobbing now. Then suddenly he felt a pair of strong arms wrapped around him. Oliver was a mountain of a man, making his hug feel safe and comforting, despite the deep state of fear in which Kieran was at the moment. “It’s ok, shh, everything is fine.”

“H-he’s going to find m-me…” Kieran choked on his own sobs. “He’ll kill me… he’ll do that again…”

Oliver didn’t understand what he meant, so he just continued hugging him and talking softly.

“Just breathe ok? You need to breathe. Do it with me.” It was hard to focus on anything but the fear, but following Oliver’s lead was a bit easier than doing it on his own. A couple of minutes went by, and Kieran regained his ability to breathe on his own. He was no longer sobbing, but he was still crying and sniffling loudly. 

“How about you keep guard while I pick up your stuff, huh?” Oliver let go, patting Kieran’s shoulder and making him lift his rifle. “Can you do that?”

“Uh-huh” Kieran sniffled and turned around, holding the rifle on shaky hands and looking everywhere, like he was expecting the whole gang to show up any minute. 

Once Oliver was done picking up his stuff, he handed Kieran his bag and carried the heavier stuff himself. 

“I think I got everything. You feeling better?”

Kieran nodded slowly and wiped some fresh tears off his cheeks. 

“Let’s go then.”

The walk back to the station was faster this time. Kieran wasn’t as sore as the first time he walked that road, and maybe it was the adrenaline that made him ignore whatever remaining pain he felt. They walked in silence the first few minutes, then Oliver inevitably asked him about his breakdown. 

“You really fear that man huh?”

Kieran sniffled and nodded. “Yeah.”

“What did he do to you?” 

“This…” Kieran pointed to the now-healed cut on his face. “Among other awful stuff…” 

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

They weren’t far from the station, but there was still some ground to cover. Kieran wasn’t exactly in the mood for talking, but it helped him feel a little less scared.

“Why did you… how did you know what to do... with me?” Kieran asked all of a sudden. “You know, when I couldn’t breathe…” 

“Uh… “ Oliver hesitated for a moment. “Don’t tell him I told you, but Marcus used to get like that too. His father wasn't exactly nice to him when he lived with him, so any loud noise or even someone raising their voice at him would make him start to cry and feel like he couldn’t breathe. I’ve had to calm him down like that dozens of times. But he’s doing better now.”

“It gets better?” Kieran asked incredulously. He couldn’t imagine waking up one day and not fearing Micah Bell.

“It does. Just not quickly, but it does. You’ll see.” 

Kieran’s lip trembled as he heard the first encouraging words he's been told in… god, who knows how long. 

“Thank you.” 

“Mmhm.”

The moment Marcus looked through the window and saw them approaching, he went to open the door and hurried them inside. 

“Thank you, love.” Marcus pulled him down for a quick kiss. “Oh! You’re cold.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not exactly summer out there.” 

“Sorry, go pour yourself some coffee, and for Henry, too.”

“Mmm.”

“Mr. Wheeler…” Kieran greeted him. 

“Oh, I’m glad Ollie found you. You look like you’re freezing.”

“I am.” His new coat helped, but he was still getting used to being back in the cold. He has no idea how he put up with it back when he was with Colm and his men.

“Well then, come sit down.” Kieran followed him and sat down on the chair in front of the fireplace. Kieran stared into the fire as a few more tears fell from his eyes. He vaguely heard Marcus thanking Oliver, a grunt in response, and a door being closed. Then Marcus walked over to Kieran and handed him a warm cup of coffee.

“Thank you…” Kieran looked down at it. Too embarrassed to look at Marcus when he was still crying.

“Something happen?” Marcus asked worriedly as he sat down on the other chair.

“No… it’s just… that man Oliver said that came looking for me… he’s not good.”

“Oh I know. Could see it right on his face. He didn’t look angry, but there was something quite scary in the calm tone he talked in.”

“He’s awful…” Kieran sniffled and took a sip of the coffee. It was wonderful to drink it when he was this cold. 

“Why is he looking for you?” Marcus asked.

Kieran felt a lump in his throat and he put his cup down. 

“He…uh… well...” Kieran didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to tell him that that man raped him, but what else could be a good enough reason to escape from him without it sounding like a lie? Kieran didn’t have much choice, his emotions got the best of him and he started crying into his hands. 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Shh it’s ok.” Marcus reached and rubbed his back as Kieran cried. No matter how hard he tried to stop himself, he couldn’t do anything about it. Marcus’ comforting touch made him cry harder too, for some reason. “Alright, come here.” 

Marcus moved closer and hugged Kieran tightly. The warm embrace brought back memories of his dad, from many years ago when he was just a kid and he would scrape his knees all the time, his dad would always hold him just like that. God, he missed him so much. 

Marcus knew Kieran could barely talk in that state -, so he resorted to asking yes or no questions. 

“He did that to you? ...The cut?” Kieran nodded. “And… the limp?” Kieran tensed in his arms and sobbed, but he nodded slightly, barely noticeably. He couldn’t see Marcus’ face, but he was frowning. He hated abusers with his guts.

“I’ll set you up behind the counter, ok? You can stay for a few days. It’s better than to be out there with him roaming around.” 

“Thank you…”

“No problem. Just stay here and warm up while I get your bedroll.” 

Kieran hid his face in his hands and tried to stop crying, as well as come up with a plan. He could take another train, but where to? He knew of many places up north where Colm had set up camps, and going back to the south would mean more chances of running into the Van der Lindes. He figured he’d stay there for a few days and then go back to the forest. He didn’t know what else to do. 

He downed the rest of the coffee and stood up. “Thank you again, Mr. Wheeler… you’re saving my life.” Kieran mumbled as he approached the counter, once he had calmed down enough. “I gotta say, I’m a little surprised that you would even send your husband to look for me…”

“Well, I knew you couldn’t have gone far, no offense. You looked pretty hurt. And I… I Just had a bad feeling about that man. I like you, you know? You don’t seem like a bad person.”

“Thanks…” Kieran wiped his nose on his sleeve. “So uhm, that man, what did he say?”

“Just asked about a man with your features, I knew he was talking about you when he mentioned the cut.” Shit, then it was definitely Micah who had come all the way here. Only he could know about the cut on his face. “But he said it was on your forehead? That was weird, shouldn’t he know where it was if he did it?”

Kieran frowned. “Yeah, it’s weird. Maybe he forgot?” Surely his rape wasn’t something Micah would remember very well. To him, it might’ve just been an unimportant event. Something he did one evening to kill his boredom and forgot about the next day. If only Kieran could forget about it that easily… “Anyway, I won’t be staying long. Don’t want to cause you or your husband any trouble, or put you in any danger.”

“Don’t worry about it, we are more than capable of dealing with men like that, Ollie especially. He might seem all docile and everything, but you should see him in a fight. Oh, and he looks so good when he fights too.” Marcus blushed and smiled, making Kieran chuckle a little. “I’m sorry.” Marcus apologized and put another blanket on Kieran’s bedroll.

“It’s ok. He’s very sweet… “ Kieran smiled, recalling the way he hugged him earlier. 

“Oh that he is! He is so handsome, and strong, and kind, and-“

Suddenly Oliver walked through one of the back doors, holding a large plate with three fried fish. 

“I can hear you both talking from outside, not exactly the best way to keep a low profile, you know?” His cheeks were rosy, Kieran wasn’t sure if the reason behind it was the cold or his husband’s comments. “Why don’t you two just sit down and have dinner?”

Marcus rolled his eyes and pulled an extra chair and set it next to the other two in front of the fireplace, then set some small foldable tables in front of them. 

“Relax a little, my love. You’re always so grumpy.” Marcus commented as he guided Kieran to one of the comfy chairs. He couldn’t help but smile, which caught Marcus’ attention. “What?”

“Nothing, it’s just… he reminded me of someone.” Kieran said with a sad smile. 

“Oooh a past love?”

Kieran looked a little sadder at that, but he kept smiling. “No… never would’ve happened. He’s just… he was someone who was nice to me sometimes…” 

“Oh I'm sorry.” Marcus gave him a sympathetic look. “But I have to warn you, if you have a crush on my Ollie, that’s fine, but don’t get too excited. He’s all mine.” Marcus said jokingly, causing Kieran to snort and ‘Ollie’ to grumble and blush as he passed them their plates and utensils. Looks like it wasn’t the cold what made his cheeks turn red after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the small delay, I was still writing this morning haha. Thanks again so much to my best friend Daovihi for helping me out with corrections. She has some really great fics too btw you should check them out! 
> 
> Also a small announcement: I’m going back to school on Monday, so I can’t promise i’ll be able to keep up with the schedule as I have so far. The updates will continue to be on Thursdays but I might miss a couple of them. But don’t worry, this story won’t be left unfinished, I already have everything planned out I just need time to write the chapters. Hope you can understand and thank you all again for giving this story a chance and thanks for all the support. I really appreciate it!

It was another frigid night, and his body had yet to adjust, despite having spent a couple of days there already. Thankfully, the thick coat and the coffee he was pouring himself helped. The drink warmed his insides, though maybe not his ‘icy heart’, as the O’Driscoll currently struggling in his bindings had accused him of having. 

“Sir… please… just… fucking let me go.” The man tried to beg him once again, only to be ignored by the cowboy, just like last time. The O’Driscoll kept looking around at his annihilated camp and at the calm man sipping coffee by the fire, where just minutes ago the O’Driscoll was sitting around with his companions. They should’ve paid more attention. “Do you want money? Booze? Just take everything from here!”

The cowboy frowned, downed the rest of his coffee, and stood up, making the O’Driscoll flinch.“Just wanted to drink my damn coffee in peace.” The man grumbled and crouched in front of the O’Driscoll. “Alright, let’s do this quick, and don’t fucking lie to me. I’m not in a good mood.”

The man on the ground nodded quickly. 

“Did Kieran go back with you O’Driscolls? Or have you seen him around?”

“W-who…?”

“Kieran. Kieran Duffy. Used to be with the rest of you pieces of shit. Tended to the horses, maybe…?”

“Oh! Y-you mean the traitor? Yeah! I think I heard something about him. One of our men apparently saw him a few days ago walking alone, he wasn’t sure if it was him, then lost him out of sight. You’re going to let me go right?”

“Not so fast. Are there any more of you around here?” 

The O’driscoll tensed and gulped. He shook his head, but the cowboy smirked as he spotted a lie. He took his gun and pointed it right to the man’s crotch, even pushing it into his balls.

“Are you really gonna make me ask again?”

“Fuuuuuck!” The man whined. “W-we set up a camp at Hanging Dog Ranch a couple of days ago…”

“Good to know.” He flashed him a smile and stood up. 

“Wait! You have to let me go! I told you! You have to-“

“I don’t.” 

Just one hit to the head and the O’Driscoll fell over with a thud and stood there motionless, either unconscious or dead. Arthur didn’t stop to check. 

He sighed and rubbed his face. If things couldn’t get more complicated, now the O’Driscolls had spotted Kieran. At least they hadn’t caught him… yet. He hated this whole situation so much. Dutch’s orders had been clear:

“Get our money back and kill him. If he doesn’t have it, kill him anyway. He knows too much about us.”

If the O’Driscolls caught him, that would mean Arthur would save himself the dirty work of executing Kieran, but he knew Colm, he would torture the boy until he got their camp’s location out of him. So there was no other way, he had to find Kieran and kill him himself, before the O’Driscolls got to him. 

At least it would be a quicker and more merciful death. It still sounded strange to him, the idea of putting an end to Kieran’s life. He didn’t like to think much about it. Why couldn’t Dutch do this himself instead?

Arthur shook his head and lit up another cigarette, finishing his second box already. Why was he stressing about it so much? He had been sent to kill people before… he wasn’t even close to Kieran. Those fishing trips… they meant nothing. Maybe it was just one of Kieran’s tactics to distract him from what he was doing. Stealing from them. Arthur had to constantly remind himself that Kieran had done that, he wasn’t sure if he would be able to pull the trigger if he didn’t. He needed to believe Kieran really had done something so bad, or else… 

Arthur pushed all those thoughts to the back of his mind and mounted his horse. He decided to check out the camp the O’Driscoll had mentioned, might as well destroy that one too, less chances of them getting to Kieran. But when he got to the place and used his binoculars to do a quick search, he couldn’t help but curse under his breath. The place was filled with O’Driscolls. He considered for a moment, and came to the conclusion that it was far too big of a risk to run on his own, so he turned around and left. 

In any case, he knew they hadn’t caught him yet, so Kieran was still out there. Arthur could find him first. He had too. He would.

———————

Kieran had said he would avoid mirrors, but when he caught a glimpse of his reflection on one that Marcus sold in his store, he couldn’t help but stop in his tracks and stare. The dark circles under his eyes looked even darker than ever, he looked tired and miserable. And then, he saw that horrible scar on his cheek. He hated it so much. He unconsciously touched it, feeling a sudden impulse to rip off that part of his face with his own nails, just so that he didn’t have to see it and remember what it meant. 

“It doesn’t look that bad.” 

Marcus’ voice called from behind the counter. Kieran turned around and continued sweeping the floor. 

“It’s not that… just... checking my beard.” Kieran lied.

“Oh. Think you need a shave? We have a razor you can borrow.”

“Yeah…thanks. Maybe I should cut my hair too? Think that would help me be harder to find?”

Marcus shrugged. “Maybe. I can cut it for you later if you want.”

“Thanks.” Kieran mumbled. Then, a person walked into the store, and Kieran turned his back on them, keeping his head low and continuing his task, even if it just turned out to be a young lady looking to buy some snacks for her trip. 

“Hey, Henry?” Oliver called from the little booth from where he sold the train tickets. 

Kieran opened the door and saw Oliver hunched over a map on the desk inside his little office. “Yeah?”

“I think I found a place you can go to if you want, there’s this small cabin up north, not everyone knows about it because it’s pretty well hidden, and it’s kind of like a tree house?” Oliver pointed to the spot on his map, it looked way further away from where Kieran had set up camp last time, but it was in the same direction. “It belonged to an old man from Strawberry who used to stay there and do hunting trips. But he died a few years ago and the cabin has been abandoned ever since. It’s in a good spot and there’s a whole forest where you can hunt, and there’s also the river. Last time I checked, it didn’t look too damaged. I’m pretty sure you could take it without problem.”

“I don’t know… what if someone is already there?”

“Well, there’s plenty of other nice places where you could camp around. Plus, there’s a big ranch nearby, the Miller family runs it, they’re nice people. Maybe you could ask for work there?”

“I guess it’s worth a shot.” Kieran shrugged. 

“I’ll mark it on the map for you and give you some directions on how to get there later.”

“Sure. Thank you.” Kieran smiled a little stared out the window. Something on the platform caught his attention, the young lady that had bought her snacks in the store was sitting on one of the benches outside, and a man was sitting next to her whispering something in her ear as she looked stiff and terrified. He felt nauseous again all of a sudden. Scared and angry, because he knew that scene pretty damn well, he had been part of it many times. He was out the door before he could stop himself. 

“Ma’am.” Kieran managed to say without his voice shaking. Both of them turned to look at him. “I think you forgot something inside the store, the owner has it on the counter.”

“O-oh! Thank you.” She stood up quickly, too quickly, allowing Kieran to get a glimpse of the knife the man was holding in the hand that was on her side. He tried to hide it as quickly as he could and ran a hand through his hair. 

“She’s always so careless.” The man said casually, with a forced smile. Kieran just glared at him.

“You don’t know her. Get out of here.” Behind him, Oliver looked up from the map, curious and worried about the angry tone in Kieran’s voice. 

“I have a train to catch, buddy.” The man glared back and stood up. Oliver was already reaching for the gun he kept on his desk when Kieran jumped on the man, tackling him to the ground and punching him in the face.

“Go away!” Kieran yelled in his face. 

“What’s your problem?!” The man pulled hard on Kieran’s hair to try to get him off of him. Kieran groaned and bit the man’s arm causing him to let go, Kieran then stood up and pulled his gun on him.

“Henry!” Oliver and Marcus called, making him turn his head back, The man saw his chance and stood up and started running away towards his horse. Kieran cursed under his breath and took aim, but the man moved fast, and Kieran missed the shot. He was taking aim again when Marcus’ voice stopped him. 

“He’s gone, Henry.”

And true enough, the man quickly disappeared as he rode his horse. Kieran glared in his direction and sheathed his gun. He walked past them while heavily panting and wincing at the throbbing pain in his scalp. Hair pulling fucking sucked. He was definitely going to cut his hair.

————————————-

Later that day, Kieran sat in a chair behind the building, tilting his head back as Marcus worked on cutting his hair. His beard had already been trimmed and, according to Marcus, he looked much cleaner and more handsome now. Kieran was just glad to look different. 

“I’m really sorry about earlier.” Kieran mumbled.

“I heard you the first thirty times, son. It’s ok.” Marcus combed and cut another lock of hair. 

“By the way, I’m leaving tomorrow…” Kieran mumbled after a moment of silence.

“Henry, it really is ok, you were helping that poor woman. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“That’s not why I’m leaving, I just… I want to find a place of my own… stop hiding. I’m so tired of all this.” Kieran wasn’t going to admit it out loud, but he also didn’t want to feel like a burden to them. He knew that after what Micah had done to him, he was a lot to handle. Constantly shaking and anxious, having nightmares and flashbacks every time he closed his eyes. They had jobs to do, they didn’t have time to deal with an emotional wreck like him.

“Well… if that’s what you want.” Marcus sighed. “You can always come back to visit though. We’d like that.”

“Sure, thanks.” Kieran smiled a little. He hesitated for a moment, and spoke again. “It’s Kieran, by the way…”

“Huh?”

“My name is Kieran. Not Henry… I… I lied to feel safer, I guess. I hope you’re not mad about it.”

“Well, Kieran suits you better I’d say.” Marcus smiled. 

After getting his haircut, Kieran spent the rest of the day helping around as much as he could to thank them for helping him so much. He discussed his travel plans with Oliver and bought more supplies for the trip, despite Marcus trying to give him the food for free. But either way, Marcus and Oliver managed to make him accept some gifts from them. A thick dark blue scarf and a pair of knitted gloves. Kieran tried his hardest not to cry, but he couldn’t help it, he didn’t understand why they were so nice to him. They gave him a tight hug after that, and in the morning, he was ready to go. 

This time, as he stepped out of their store, he felt less frightened. He was dressed appropriately for the weather, he wasn’t in pain anymore, and he had a plan. Somewhere to go, and even if that didn’t work out, he was glad to not be directionless anymore, at least for the time being.

Surprisingly, things didn’t go badly from there. He got better at keeping himself calm, whenever he woke up from a nightmare, he would breathe just like Oliver had taught him, and his heartbeat would eventually go back to its normal pace. Hunting wasn’t a problem for him before, but relying so much on it to survive now, he had also gained more practice and had gotten better at it as a result. And though he felt lonely most of the time, he convinced himself it was better this way. He would never go back to that gang. Not like he could anyway, he was sure Micah would kill him if he ever stepped foot into their camp again. 

He wondered often how Branwen was doing, if she missed him, or if she had gotten used to his absence. He hoped they treated her well, and he wished badly she could be there with him. He desperately wanted to see a familiar friendly face.

“You’re a damn hard man to find, O’Driscoll.”

Kieran gasped and his eyes went wide, he smiled for a moment at the familiar voice, but his smile died down the moment he turned around and saw Arthur pointing a gun at him. 

“Arthur…?”

“Save yourself the talking, give me the money and let’s be done with this.” Arthur grumbled, Kieran was as confused by his words as by the way Arthur avoided looking at him directly.

“W-what…? What money? I… why are you-?”

“Just do it, Kieran.” Arthur said his name in a strained voice, still not daring to look him in the eye.

“I don’t understand.” Kieran’s voice broke as he started to panic. There were too many questions running through his head. What was Arthur going to do? Why was he pointing a gun at him? He didn’t even understand how Arthur had found him. He stupidly wanted to believe for a moment that Arthur had cared enough to notice his disappearance and went looking for him, but there was obviously another reason. He felt as if he was dealing with Micah again, being cornered and intimidated for doing something he didn’t even know what it was.

“The money you stole!” Arthur demanded, making Kieran flinch. Arthur’s glare softened for a second, and he even looked guilty, but he quickly put up his tough mask again.

“M-Micah’s money?” Kieran fumbled for his bag and pulled out what little money he had left. Arthur snatched it from his hand and counted it with a frown on his face.

“Where’s the rest?”

“I… I spent it… on food.”

“What, did you buy food for an entire army?! There was around five thousand in there!”

“What are you talking about?! Micah only had like four hundred! That’s what I took! And I stole from him, not you!” 

Arthur groaned and rubbed his face. He shoved the money in his pocket and cursed under his breath. He cocked his gun and Kieran put his hands up.

“Wait! Wait, please! Just let me explain. I don’t understand what you’re talking about but just let me explain why I left! I-“

Before he could say another word, the sound of a gunshot momentarily deafened him, he looked up at Arthur, and he seemed just as surprised as him by what had just happened. The bullet had barely missed Arthur’s head.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I’m really sorry about not being able to post this yesterday. I only just finished it. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.
> 
> Also keep me in your prayers, I’m taking english, french and italian at school. I barely know what spanish is anymore lol. 
> 
> Thank you all again!

“Great shot, Greg!” Someone yelled sarcastically. 

“Wait a minute! Is that Morgan?! Hell yeah, let’s bring them both!” Another one said, and soon more men showed up behind the trees. 

Kieran saw the green neckerchiefs of his ex gang mates and immediately got up and ran behind a tree. From there, he could see Arthur doing the same, and in a matter of seconds, bullets started flying everywhere. 

O’Driscolls. Just what he fucking needed on top of it all. He would have laughed at how miserable his situation was if he wasn’t currently trying to avoid getting shot. Thankfully, he still had his pistol on him, so he took it out and waited for the right moment to start shooting back. 

The O’Driscolls were relentless. Shooting at them like they had an infinite amount of ammo, but they weren’t aiming at their heads. Those fuckers were going for their arms or legs, they were definitely trying to capture them alive. Kieran only managed to kill one of them before another wave of bullets forced him to hide again. He repeated and managed to kill another one and injured someone else in the leg.

While he was taking cover, he couldn’t help but look at Arthur, who was hiding behind a tree a few steps away from him. He fought as hard and as incessantly as the O’Driscolls. Then, Arthur took cover again, and his eyes met Kieran’s. 

The angry and menacing Arthur that had showed up minutes ago was completely gone now. This Arthur only stared at him with something close to worry… maybe even guilt. It didn’t make sense at all. But suddenly, Arthur’s expression turned into one of pain as a bullet grazed his arm, making him accidentally drop his pistol.

“Haha! Take that you fucker!” A voice laughed and continued shooting. 

Arthur held his arm as it bled and desperately looked for the pistol on the ground. Kieran saw it laying on the dirt, it was out of cover but he figured he might be able to get it. Arthur and Kieran made eye contact for a second, and Arthur knew exactly what he wanted to do.

“No! Don’t!” 

Despite Arthur’s warning, Kieran shot the O’Driscolls a couple more times and dove for the pistol. The bullets followed him, and only by a miracle did he manage to get back behind the tree without a single scratch. Arthur could only blink in surprise as Kieran threw him back his pistol. 

Kieran looked away and continued firing at the men in green neckerchiefs. The fight lasted a couple more minutes, thankfully just when they were both about to run out of ammo, the last of the O’Driscolls fell to the ground as a bullet pierced through his skull. Arthur might’ve been injured, but it would take a lot more than that to ruin his perfect aim. 

Afterwards, everything was quiet, except for the sound of their own heavy panting. They both waited for a bit before poking their heads from behind the trees and making sure all the O’Driscolls were dead. 

Kieran walked back to his little camp and frowned at the sight of the holes in his tent. At least his bag and his bedroll were mostly intact, and so was his rifle. He continued checking his belongings when he suddenly remembered who was standing behind him. He turned around quickly, but this time Arthur wasn’t pointing a gun at him. He was sitting with his back against a tree, rolling up his sleeve and inspecting the wound on his arm. It was still bleeding profusely. 

Kieran approached slowly, not exactly knowing why he was still worried about Arthur when he had tried to kill him just a while ago. Arthur seemed uncomfortable for the same reason, he looked away when Kieran crouched next to him. Without saying a word, Kieran took off his neckerchief and gently took Arthur’s arm.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to…” Arthur mumbled, moving his arm away from him. 

“You’re still bleeding.” Kieran said, and took Arthur’s arm before he could reject his help again. 

“Mmm…” Arthur sat quietly as Kieran helped him, looking around for any more enemies, and then inspecting his pistol. He was just trying his hardest not to look at Kieran. 

“There. Doesn’t look too bad, you should be fine.” Kieran finished tying the neckerchief tightly around his forearm. 

“Thanks…” Arthur mumbled and stared at the piece of cloth wrapped around his arm. He had already stained some of it with his blood. 

“Are you still going to kill me?” Kieran asked quietly and Arthur finally looked at him.

“Is that why you’re helping me?” Arthur asked back. “So I don’t do it?”

“Could you blame me?” 

Arthur looked away. 

“But no, that’s not why I helped you. I was hoping you would at least tell me why you want to kill me.” Kieran couldn’t hide the sadness in his voice. Knowing that even Arthur had turned his back on him hurt in a way that Kieran couldn’t explain or understand. He felt stupid for thinking he had made a friend.

“Shouldn’t you know already?” Arthur frowned. “The money for our escape?” Arthur waited for a reaction but Kieran just blinked in confusion.

“I… I have no idea what you’re talking about. Look, I did steal money. But it was Micah’s. I swear. I have no idea where you even kept the money for your escape and I’m sorry it disappeared, but I swear it wasn’t me.”

“Then why did you run away? Have you been planning to leave for a while? We spared your life up in that mountain, Kieran.” Arthur said accusatorily. Kieran didn’t understand why Arthur was so mad that he had left, he didn’t even expect anyone to notice or even care. But being made to feel like he should be thankful for the awful time he had while being part of that gang made Kieran burst with anger. 

“I didn’t steal your money and if I left, it’s because you spared my life just to make it a living hell!” Kieran yelled with tears in his eyes. “And no, I'm not just talking about Micah. No matter how hard I tried to please all of you, you just treated me like shit!”

“Well, you were a traitor. And an O’Driscoll, of course we weren’t going to trust you right away. But we still let you stay. We fed you and kept you safe from Colm and his men, and all you had to do was brush some damn horses. You had it way easier than most of us.” Arthur reminded him, only resulting in making Kieran even more angry.

“Just brush some horses?! I was a fucking slave, Arthur! And on top of that, you were all awful to me. I kept quiet about so many things because of the fear of getting kicked out, so of course you think It was like going on holidays for me!”

Arthur didn’t know what to say to that. Kieran was openly crying now, hot, angry tears fell down his cheeks, and Arthur realized how right Kieran was. It hadn’t been just Micah, and he knew it. Arthur had ignored so many things, showed him so little sympathy, and worst of all, he had also contributed to his suffering in some way. Maybe not as badly as Micah, but he had hurt Kieran too, with his bullying and his indifference. 

“I left because I was nothing in that gang anyway… and Micah… Micah was just the worst of it all. I couldn’t take it for one more day…” 

“Did he do something to you?” 

Kieran visibly tensed at the question, then after a few seconds, he lifted his hand and pointed to the scar on his face.

“H-he got more violent…”

Arthur stared at him for a few seconds, with guilt painted all over his face. Kieran’s reason for leaving made sense, after all. He would have to start looking for the gang’s money somewhere else… but for now, he needed to make things right as much as he could. Despite the damage he had already done.

After a moment, he reached inside his pocket, pulling out the money he had taken from Kieran, maybe even a bit more than that, and extended it back to him.

“Don’t want it.” Kieran grumbled as he hugged his knees. Arthur ignored him and grabbed Kieran’s hand, forcing him to take the money back.

“Well you’re gonna need it because those O’Driscolls are after you. You need to get out of here.”

“What? Where to?” Kieran frowned.

“I don’t know, but for the love of god, don’t let them catch you alive. If I was you... I’d save my last bullet for a worst case scenario.” 

Kieran nodded slowly. “So what will you do about your money?...”

“Well, it must’ve been someone else from camp, and I’m starting to get an idea of who it might’ve been.” 

Arthur stood up, and he had the intention of leaving then, but he stayed there for a few seconds, looking away and fiddling with his hands. Finally, he sighed and turned to look at Kieran. “Kieran, I… I’m sorry… about everything.”

Kieran frowned and wiped his tears on his sleeve. He had nothing to say, he was still too angry. And as far as apologizes went, that wasn’t the best one either, though in his heart he knew Arthur meant it. 

Arthur then walked away through the piles of bodies, back to where he had come from. He mounted his horse an Kieran sniffled as he heard the distant sound of the hooves galloping away.

————————————————————

Traveling alone always gave Arthur a lot of time to think. Sometimes it was a good thing, sometimes it was torture. But for the most part, it was always helpful. He often realized important things about himself during those long days riding through the mountains or the valleys. And after replaying that last conversation with Kieran over and over in his head, he had realized he was a selfish dick. 

He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but most of the hurtful stuff he said to Kieran was because he felt betrayed by his departure. Kind of the same way he had felt when John left for that entire year. That gang was like a family to him, and even though he didn’t exactly think of Kieran as ‘family’ yet, he was definitely starting to accept him into the gang, which was a very important thing to him. How could Kieran throw away his acceptance like that? Turned out, there was a lot more going on with Kieran he hadn’t cared to ask about. He felt like an idiot for not considering that before.

He also liked the guy… his company was starting to become the highlight of his days, and when Kieran left, Arthur felt not only betrayed, but also abandoned. Those feelings were only fueled by the ˋevidence ́ against Kieran, and, well, he had ended up acting like a selfish dick because of it. 

Half of him wanted to turn his horse around and go offer Kieran a better apology, but he wasn’t sure what good could that make right now. Plus, Kieran probably wasn’t there anymore. Arthur hoped he wasn’t. Especially with those damn O’Driscolls around. 

But now that Kieran was free of guilt in his mind, he had to figure out who had stolen the money. And he needed to do it quickly, before the others found Kieran. He wasn’t so sure they’d believe him, or if they would even give him a chance to explain himself… like Arthur had initially done. God. He almost killed that poor boy… 

Micah was, of course, the first suspect that came to mind. With how close he had been to Dutch, lately Arthur was surprised he hadn’t considered him first as the main suspect. Maybe he was too upset by Kieran’s departure at the time, and it was easier to blame him with all the ‘evidence’. But now, what was important was to find out if Micah had done it, and where he had put all their money. 

As if Arthur had summoned him, a couple of hours after his encounter with Kieran, Micah’s voice called him.

“Well, look who it is!” 

Arthur cursed internally, then wondered why the hell was Micah up in the Big Valley. How had even known he was there? To make matters worse, he wasn’t alone. When Arthur turned his head, he saw Bill riding beside him.

“What are you doing here?” Arthur asked with a frown.

“Oh just going for a nice little trip.” Micah smiled. “What do you think, cowpoke? We’re looking for that piece of shit. Same as you, I imagine. You've been gone for a while…” 

“I am. Just wondering why did you come here. Thought you’d still be looking around Lemoyne.” 

“Trelawny talked with his contact in Rhodes, that guy at the train station… Alvin? Something like that. He said you had been there a couple of days ago and you had found a solid lead. We were wondering why you hadn’t written to us to let us know…” Micah’s eyes scanned Arthur, then they stuck on his wounded forearm. The blue, blood stained neckerchief especially catching his attention. 

“Wasn’t sure it was a solid lead… “ Arthur grumbled. “So the others are here? Javier? Charles?” Arthur tried his best not to show how nervous he was getting. This was no good, no good at all. 

“Javier rode with us for a while, then decided to continue on his own. He’s somewhere around here. Charles, well… we couldn’t find him in Lemoyne. He must still be there, or maybe somewhere in the Heartlands? Who knows. Good thing we came up here to help you huh? I see you already ran into some trouble.” Micah pointed to Arthur’s wound.

“It’s nothing. Accidentally went into someone’s property and they started shooting at me.” Arthur lied.

“You’re getting sloppy, Morgan.” Micah made his horse take a few steps in his direction to take a better look at the neckerchief. Micah smirked. “Well, cowpoke, any new leads on our little O’driscoll’s whereabouts? Dutch is getting real impatient back in camp…”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry again for the delay!  
> I started to work on chapter 13 already so hopefully it won’t happen again. But i’ll need some time so maybe the chapter will be posted next Saturday? I’ll try.
> 
> Thank you all for continuing to read this story!

Arthur stared straight into Micah’s eyes. “No. I’ve been up here for almost a week and there’s no trace of him. So either a bear ate him, or he’s miles away.”

“Hm, is that so?” Micah stared right back at him. “Maybe you didn’t look well enough. How about you go back to camp to report with Dutch and we give it another try?” Micah smiled.

“There’s no point, but if you want to freeze your ass off here, be my guest.” Arthur tried to sound careless in an attempt to hide the fact that his heart was beating out of control. Thankfully, he got an idea, something that might give him some time to warn Kieran. “Though there is something useful you can do.”

“And what is that?”

“There’s a ton of O’Driscolls around, Colm might even be among them. They mounted a camp at a ranch nearby, Hanging Dog. It’s just a couple of hours to the west from here. I was going to kill them myself and rob them, but there were at least a dozen of them.”

“What? Were you scared of a few O’Driscolls?” Micah chuckled, didn’t even realizing he was taking the bait.

“I’m not an idiot, didn’t want to get killed.”

“Oh please. I could do it without trouble, I’m just not exactly sure why should I bother.”

“Well, they’re O’Driscolls, for starters. And If Kieran was ever here, who knows if he isn’t at that camp? They might be torturing him right now to get our location.” 

Micah seemed to consider it for a moment, then he nodded. 

“Well then, we’ll give you a little help with them. But we are keeping all the money we find, right Bill?”

Bill stopped trying to get a crumb of bread from his beard he had been picking at the whole time to look up at Micah. “Huh? Oh, yeah. We are.”

“Fine.” Arthur rolled his eyes. “But I think we might need Javier for this. I’ll try to look for him, and meet you there at sundown.”

“Have it your way, cowpoke, but if you’re late, I’m telling Dutch you didn’t want to help.” Micah chuckled.

“Do you ever shut the hell up?” Arthur grumbled and turned his horse around, starting to gallop away the same way he had come from. Just to be sure, he rode fast and took several detours, in case he was being followed, then ditched his horse a little further from the place where he had found Kieran the first time. 

He carefully walked closer towards the trees, and noticed that Kieran’s tent and the rest of his stuff were gone. He sighed. It seemed like he was too late.

“What do you want? Changed your mind about killing me? Cause I’m not giving you a second chance.”

This time it was Kieran who surprised Arthur. He came out from behind a tree, pointing a rifle at Arthur and glaring. Arthur didn’t know whether to feel happy or angry that that idiot was still there. It was hard to decide with a barrel of a gun pointing at his head.

“Woah! Shit. Hang on!” Arthur put his hands up. “I’m here to help this time. To warn you, actually.”

“More O’Driscolls?” Kieran grumbled. His grip on the rifle stayed steady. 

“Worse. The others are here. At least Micah, Bill and Javier. And they’re also looking for you.” Kieran’s eyes went wide. Suddenly, his hands didn’t seem so steady. He tried to hold the rifle tighter to disguise it, which only resulted in putting Arthur on edge. Kieran could accidentally shoot him like that. “Put that thing down, will ya? I’ll tell you what I know.”

“You tried to kill me just a while ago.”

“I… yeah. I know. But I thought I had made it clear that that wasn’t my intention anymore. I just want to help. I promise. Wouldn’t be risking my own neck by coming here to warn you otherwise.” 

Kieran bit his lip, then slowly started to lower the gun, though his expression didn’t soften, and he kept his hand dangerously close to the knife on his hip. Arthur didn’t remember him wearing a knife there before.

“Ok, thanks…” Arthur sighed. “I came up with a distraction, Micah and Bill are on their way to Hanging Dog Ranch to kill some O’Driscolls. I don’t know about Javier, but I’ll try to find him and guide him there, too. You should go now, and quickly. Do you have a place in mind?”

“I… I was on my way to an abandoned cabin up north.”

“No. Stay away from the north, that’s close to where they’re going.”

“W-well then where else can I go? Oliver said to go there! He said I’d be safe there.”

“Who’s Oliver?” Arthur asked confused. Kieran just started pacing around, rubbing his face and breathing faster. “Hey, hey. It’s ok. Calm down. Look, how about you go to Strawberry? It might be easier to hide among a bigger crowd. Lay low for a couple of days then go somewhere else. You’ll be fine.”

Kieran didn’t seem to listen to him, he was taking deep breaths and still pacing around. Arthur walked up to him and tried to touch his shoulder, only causing Kieran to flinch away.

“No. Don’t.” Kieran took a step back.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Arthur said in a gentle voice.

“I don’t care. Don’t touch me.” Kieran answered, somehow sounding menacing and scared at the same time. Kieran’s reaction was probably his fault, Arthur thought. It wouldn’t be surprising if Kieran had lost all trust in him, and Arthur wouldn’t blame him either. Though Arthur feared he would never get it back. 

“Ok, sure. I’m sorry.” Arthur took a step back and allowed Kieran to calm down on his own. He kept glancing behind his back in case someone might show up. Kieran eventually stopped pacing around, and his breathing evened out.

“Fine, I’ll go.” He mumbled after taking a deep breath. 

“Good. You got all your stuff?”

Kieran nodded, then something caught their attention. The sound of hooves approaching.

“What…?” Arthur turned and saw a man on a horse. He didn’t wait to see who it was, he just knew he meant trouble. “Shit! We need to hide! C’mon behind that tree!” Arthur pointed to the tree, and they ran behind it. It was barely thick enough to hide both of them.

“Who’s that? What’s going on?” Kieran asked nervously, he was starting to panic again. 

“Shut up! And don’t move!” Arthur whispered.

Soon after he said that, they heard the man dismounting, and the sound of his footsteps coming closer. Both Arthur and Kieran held their breaths and tried to stay as still as possible.

“Mierda… ¿Y ahora con quién se toparon?” Javier mumbled to himself. Neither of them knew what he was saying, but they figured he was talking about the dead bodies on the ground. Arthur pressed himself closer to Kieran in an attempt to hide better, but it resulted in Kieran flinching at the contact and moving away, making a bit of noise. It was enough to get Javier’s attention.

“Hey! Who’s out there?! Come out, you shit, I heard you!”

Arthur cursed under his breath. Then turned to Kieran and mouthed the words ‘go to Strawberry’ before standing up and yelling back.

“It’s me! Arthur!” Arthur walked out of their hiding spot, and found Javier just a few steps away from the tree.

“Arthur? What the hell were you doing there?”

“Was waiting to see if any more O’Driscolls were coming. I almost shot you there.”

“Oh. So this was all your doing?” Javier vaguely pointed to the bodies.

“Yeah…” 

“I’m impressed.” Javier smiled and patted his shoulder, noticing his injured arm. “Shit, seems like they do know how to shoot after all. You ok?”

“Just a scratch.” Arthur shrugged and pulled his sleeve down. “You in the mood for killing some more O’Driscolls? I found a bigger camp.” Arthur started walking away and thankfully, Javier followed him. 

“Always.” Javier smirked. “But uh, we’re here to look for Kieran, remember?”

“We will, we’ll look for him and kill some O’driscolls. Though I’m afraid this is our last lead, if they don’t have him prisoner at that camp, he’s probably gone for good.”

“Shit. Well, I guess we better go check it out. Where is this place?”

“I’ll take you there, let’s go.” Arthur mounted his horse and risked glancing back at the trees where Kieran was hiding, he caught a glimpse of his head poking out and very discreetly nodded at Kieran, and started galloping away with Javier.

—————————————————————

After Arthur and Javier were gone, Kieran finished looting the bodies as quickly as he could. He knew he should have probably just left the minute they were gone, but he was going to need more money, and the O'Driscolls seemed to carry a lot of valuable stuff, among other useful things. Like the pretty hunting knife he carried on his hip.

He put everything else in his bag and started walking towards Wallace Station again, it seemed like all paths lead to that place lately. He knew his best chance at getting to Strawberry before he got caught was to hire a stagecoach, and there was a stop next to the station. It was hard, walking past Marcus’ store and not stopping to see him and Oliver, but his life was only getting more complicated, and they had helped him enough. They deserved to move on with their own lives without him bringing any more trouble into them. 

“Need a ride somewhere?” The man standing next to the post asked him.

“Yes, uh, could you take me to Strawberry, please?”

“Sure. That’ll be $3.”

Kieran reached inside his bag and practically shoved the money into his hand. 

“Thank you. Uh, would you like to travel inside or-?” Before the man could finish his sentence, Kieran opened the stagecoach’s door and climbed inside. “Oh. Well, alright then…”

Kieran sighed and tried uselessly to relax in his seat. He was shaking, and he felt colder than usual. It was probably the nerves of being on the run again. The thought of knowing how close Micah had come to finding him made Kieran nauseous… why couldn’t Micah just leave him alone? He got what he wanted, didn’t he? He had taken everything from Kieran. Now he was homeless, broken and alone. Why wasn’t that enough for him? 

Kieran curled up into a ball and laid on his side as he tried to distract himself with dreams of a life he would never have. Dreams of a small, cozy house with a big fireplace, some space outside for Branwen, and maybe someone waiting for him at that house. Someone who would love him and make him forget evil men like Micah Bell even existed. That was the most unrealistic part of his dream, he thought.

He knew being loved by someone that way was basically impossible, especially after what Micah had done to him, but he could dream. He just desperately needed someone. It didn’t even have to be a lover, he just wanted a friend. He would give anything to stop feeling so lonely and lost. 

He thought of Arthur, and he didn’t know what to call him. They had been something close to friends at some point before, but then Kieran ran away, and Arthur came for him. To kill him. Kieran wasn’t sure he had completely forgiven him for that, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how he had spared him and warned him about the others. Maybe it was the goodness in Arthur’s heart that Arthur often tried to deny having, maybe he just felt pity or guilt over Kieran’s situation. Either way, Kieran still didn’t know what to think of Arthur Morgan, or what to call him. He wasn’t sure he was ready to say he was his friend again just yet.

—————————————————————

“Well, that was fun, but ultimately… useless.” Micah sheathed his pistol and sat down at the old couch inside the house at Hanging Dog Ranch. “Except for the money I guess.” 

“I don’t know about you, but I say time spent killing O’Driscolls is never time wasted.” Bill chuckled and stomped on a dead man’s head, creating a gross cracking sound. 

“We still need to find Kieran.” Javier reminded him.

“I think we’d do better going back to camp and looking for a way to get that money somewhere else. We’ve wasted enough time on him. The Pinkertons are still after us, and by this time he has probably already spent it all.” Arthur commented.

“And what? Let him go without any consequences?” Micah frowned.

“I don’t like it any more than you, but like I said, we’ve wasted enough time on him.” Arthur held his gaze with a confident look on his face. “Maybe it’s time to go home.”

“No way! That piece of shit has to pay, no one steals from us! Especially not an O’Driscoll!” Bill said, stomping again on the dead man’s body.

“I think what you say makes sense.” Javier intervened, making feel Arthur a brief moment of relief, until he said his next words. “But he should at least pay for what he did. Dutch said-“

“I know what Dutch said.” Arthur grumbled. “But we’re being hunted down too, we don’t have all the time in the world to look for him.” 

“Well then you go home and tell Dutch that you don’t want to follow his orders.” Micah crossed his arms. Arthur just glared at him, then looked at Bill and Javier to see if they had any common sense left in them. It seemed they didn’t.

“Fine. I’ll stay and help you look for him.” Arthur grumbled after a moment. “But we should rob someone or get some money while we’re here.”

The next couple of days, Arthur tried his hardest to drive them away from Strawberry and its surrounding area. It was exhausting and stressful, but he owed it to Kieran, maybe doing that would be a better apology. Plus, deep down, Arthur didn’t want anything to happen to him. The poor guy had been through enough, and just the thought of the others finding Kieran sent shivers down Arthur’s spine. Javier at least would be quick with it, he didn’t like O’Driscolls or traitors, but he wasn’t a sadist. Micah and Bill on the other hand… those two would do horrible things to the poor boy before letting him die. He could not let them find him under any circumstances.

Thankfully, they stayed within the Big Valley area, and found no traces of Kieran. Though they did run into a bear at some point, and Arthur was disappointed that it hadn’t managed to maul Micah to death. By the fifth day into their search, they were tired and frustrated, and Arthur sensed that they were ready to give up and go home, though Micah tried his hardest to disguise it. There was no way he was going to do what Arthur Morgan said.

Early in the morning that day, a spotted horse galloped into their small camp, it was Taima. And on top of it was Charles, who had the same tired expression as the rest of them.

“Charles, you found us.” Arthur looked up from the campfire and smiled. He was always glad to see Charles, with him around he felt a little less alone.

“And it wasn’t easy, I wish you could’ve left a note or something…”

“We knew you’d manage.” Micah smirked. “So what brings you here? Joining the search?”

“Actually I think I’m here to dismantle it. Dutch sent me, he wants you all back and working. He still wants to find Kieran, but says we need to get more money for now.”

Arthur gave Micah, Javier and Bill an ‘I told you’ look, and if glares could kill, Arthur would’ve dropped dead right in that moment thanks to Micah.

“Fine. I was tired of freezing my ass off here anyway…” Bill grumbled. 

“Well I hope he’s dead.” Micah grumbled too as he started picking up his stuff. Arthur was surprised to see him obey just like that, but then again, they were Dutch’s orders… 

Arthur poured some baked beans into a plate for Charles and handed it to him.

“Here, get something to eat before we go.”

“Oh, thank you.” Charles sat next to Arthur and grabbed the plate. “So, you found nothing?”

“We just found out he headed this way on train. But nothing else apart from that. I don't think we’ll find him anymore.” 

“Yeah, me neither.” Charles took a bite of his food, then lowered his voice. “If I’m being honest, I’m not even sure he took that money…”

“Why? You know something?” Arthur whispered too. He didn’t suspect of Kieran anymore, but if Charles had noticed something about the money, he really wanted to know, especially if Micah was involved. 

“I know he was too scared of everyone to try to pull off something like that. I really don’t think he would dare steal from us.”

“Mm… yeah, I guess. But if not him, then who do you think did it?” 

Charles turned his head to look at Micah, and in that moment, he turned around too, giving them both an annoyed look as he picked up his saddlebags.

“Well? Are we leaving or not?”

Charles and Arthur didn’t get to talk any more about Micah as they made their way back to Lemoyne, It would be better to discuss it when he wasn’t around, but that would have to wait for now. A couple of miles into their trip, Arthur stopped his horse.

“I’ll catch up with you guys later, I have some business to attend to.”

“And what exactly is that?” Micah raised an eyebrow.

“Work. I found a lady who’s paying me to deliver her the locations of dinosaur bones. She’ll pay me well for those notes.”

“Dino- what??” Bill frowned.

“I’m getting paid, that’s what matters ok? It’s what Dutch wants. I’ll see you guys later.”

Arthur spurred his horse and galloped away, leaving in the direction of Strawberry. The others stared until he disappeared down the road.

“He's definitely hiding something…” Micah said.

“What’s that?” Javier asked. 

“Oh don’t you start.” Charles groaned. “Let’s go, it’ll take us a week to get to Lemoyne if we stop here.”

They started moving again and surprisingly, Micah shut up. He had decided there was no point in discussing his… suspicions with the rest of the group. Maybe Bill would be more inclined to believe them, but the other two… No, it was better to tell Dutch about it. About Arthur’s strange behavior, and about that very familiar blue neckerchief wrapped around his forearm…


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry again :(
> 
> Fun fact: This chapter was complete yesterday and I was about to post it, but I didn’t like how it turned out so I rewrote it until 2 am. That’s why it was delayed again lol.
> 
> Anyway thank you all for keeping up with this story! 
> 
> Warnings: Self harm ahead, very briefly mentioned.

A shiver ran down Arthur’s spine as he made his way through Strawberry. It wasn’t just the low temperature that did that to him, he remembered the last time he had been there, with Micah. Arthur remembered the bloodbath they had left behind, and regretted not having left him there to hang. 

It had been months ago, and now the town seemed to have healed a little, but Arthur knew that wasn’t entirely true. Broken windows had been replaced, but some buildings still bore the bullet holes their pistols had left there. They had destroyed so many families. Several husbands, fathers, brothers and sons had died, and one could tell that the people of Strawberry were still in deep mourning over the men they lost that day. Arthur couldn’t even look them in the eye, not only because of the deep shame and regret he felt, but also because of the fear that one of them might recognize him.

He kept his head low, and discreetly looked around for Kieran. He went into the stores, the doctor’s office, the hotels… he wanted to look inside the sheriff’s office, just in case, but he was sure he’d find a wanted poster of himself in there. So instead he just took a quick peek to the inside of the cell where Micah had been kept captive. Kieran wasn’t there, thankfully.

After a while, he sat down on the steps of a hotel and decided to wait. Maybe Kieran would show up sooner or later, but considering it had been a couple of days since he had sent him that way, he didn’t have much hope.

About two hours passed. Arthur looked at his watch and bit his lip. He was starting to consider giving up and leaving, when he caught a glimpse of a man wearing a coat similar to Kieran’s. Arthur almost dismissed him since he didn’t see his long hair. But then he remembered Kieran had gotten a haircut, which looked... really good on him.

Arthur blinked in surprise at his own thoughts. That just… came out of nowhere. He shook his head. Now was not the time for that. Why was he even thinking that? He discreetly followed the man and hid behind a cart. The man carried a small bundle as he made his way to the butcher’s stall. He was carrying some fish, it seemed. He sold them to the butcher, and once he got paid for them, he started walking towards the hotel next to the sheriff’s office.

Arthur followed, still not completely sure it was Kieran. He had yet to see his face, but Arthur was almost certain it was him. He followed the man all the way to the hotel and saw him pay the owner for a bath and disappear upstairs. 

“Excuse me, do you need anything sir?” The man behind the counter asked Arthur, looking at him suspiciously. 

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Can I get a room?” Arthur asked, still glancing at the stairs from time to time. 

“Sure. That’ll be $1” Arthur reached inside his bag and paid for it, then the man handed him a key. “Here you go, enjoy your stay.”

Arthur nodded and went upstairs. The door to the bathroom was closed, of course. He sat down at the little couch near the window to wait for him to come out. A few minutes after he sat down, a working girl knocked on the door of the bathroom and offered the man inside a deluxe bath. The man rejected it, and by the sound of his voice, it was indeed Kieran. Although he sounded strange, a bit nasally, Arthur thought. Maybe he had caught a cold or something.

“Alright, well, enjoy your bath.” The girl said in a cheery tone and walked away. 

On the other side of the door, Kieran barely paid attention to the girl’s voice as he stared directly into the floor. He was silently crying as he stood naked, tightly holding a towel around his body. He had closed his eyes to get undressed, and now he was working up the courage to look into the mirror in front of him. He stayed there for several minutes, unable to even move, until he forced himself to drop the towel and look up.

He regretted it immediately. 

Though faint, some bruises were still visible along his body. The marks his own belt had left when Micah used it to hit him. Then his eyes stared at his neck, now without his scarf or neckerchief, he could see a couple more fading bruises around it. He felt like he was going to vomit.

He choked back a sob and got into the tub as fast as he could, the warm water soothing him just a little as he tried to ignore the feeling of utter disgust at his own body. 

He scrubbed his skin until it turned red and raw, and he didn’t stop crying the whole time. It wasn’t working, and he knew no matter how much soap he used, he wasn’t going to feel better.

He was frustrated with himself. It felt like a couple of days ago he was doing a bit better, until Arthur had showed up to almost kill him and then warn him about the others. 

Now, he felt like his emotions were out of control, and that he was doing worse than before. He couldn’t stop crying. He hated that the most, it made him feel so weak. 

Kieran reached for his clothes laying on top of a small table next to the tub and rummaged through them, looking for a cigarette. In his search, he found the hunting knife he had stolen and pulled it out of its sheath. 

He stared at it for several seconds and before he knew it, he was bringing it close to his wrist. 

Afterwards, he quickly dried himself off and got dressed. He wanted to stay longer in the bathroom, where he felt safer than out in the streets, but he was ashamed of what he had just done. And frankly, he was scared of doing it again.

He dried his hair and then his tears, and took several deep breaths to help himself calm down. When he felt like he could walk out without anyone knowing what he had done, he opened the door, and his eyes went wide at the sight of the last person he expected to see.

In a second, his face went through a roller coaster of emotions, from surprise, to relief, to worry, and finally confusion. “Arthur?”

“Hi” Arthur stood up from the couch.

“W-why are you…?”

“Relax. Just passing by… I thought I’d seen you outside and decided to check up on you.” Arthur took a step closer and he immediately noticed the way Kieran tensed, so he stopped.

“Are the others…?” Kieran glanced out the window.

“No. They’re on their way back to Lemoyne. And I made sure no one was following me. It’s just me here.” Arthur reassured him and it seemed to take a bit of weight off Kieran’s shoulders, though not all of it. Arthur thought he was acting strange.

“Oh. Good… well, you’ve seen me, so…I guess you have to go back now.”

“I uh, I have some things to do around town, I’ll be here for a little while.”

“Oh. Well, I wish you luck with them.” Kieran walked around him and started making his way downstairs.

“Are you ok?” Arthur suddenly asked as he followed him down into the lobby. Kieran glanced at him over his shoulder.

“I am.” He said like he was unsure of it, then opened the door and shuddered as he felt the cold air hit him in the face. 

Arthur frowned slightly and followed him outside. “Did you set up a camp here?” Arthur asked.

“Mhm.” Kieran put his hands into his pockets and picked up his pace a little. Arthur was still following him, much to his annoyance. It was also making him real anxious. “Do you need something?” Kieran finally turned around and tried to hold Arthur’s gaze. He found himself looking away the second he saw those blue eyes staring at him. 

“Uh, yeah…” Arthur hesitated, and it seemed like he was having just as much trouble making eye contact. “I was about to ask you, have you had lunch already?”

“What?” Kieran asked, incredulously.

“I asked if you’ve had lunch already, there’s a good restaurant round that corner. I thought, maybe we could get something to eat together…” Kieran raised an eyebrow and Arthur cleared his throat. “While we eat maybe you could tell me if you noticed something weird about Micah the last days you were in camp. I’m still looking for that money.” He quickly added. 

At the mention of his name, Kieran frowned. “Micah… of course this was about him. You came all the way here to interrogate me?” 

“No, but what’s wrong with asking?” Arthur huffed. “He’s my main suspect, and you both were always around each other.”

“I have nothing to say about Micah. And I assure you, I was ‘around him’ against my will.” Kieran growled and walked away. 

“I know that! I’m just asking if you noticed something. For fucks sake, why do you have to make such a big deal out of it?”

“You have no idea!” Kieran turned and raised his voice. A few people were staring now, but neither of them seemed to care.

“Exactly! Then tell me.” 

Kieran’s hands were making fists, he felt a knot in his throat, and he just prayed that he wouldn’t start crying again, even though anger seemed to be his dominant emotion at the moment.

“Leave me alone.” He said through gritted teeth, not daring to raise his voice again, as he feared it would break.

Arthur’s expression softened a bit, he sighed and tried to get closer. 

“Kieran… “

“Leave me the fuck alone!” Kieran yelled again and glared at Arthur. He looked surprised at how angry Kieran looked, and for a moment, he seemed like he regretted having mentioned Micah at all.

Arthur looked down and nodded. “Ok, I’m sorry I just… just…” He sighed and reached inside his bag, pulling out the key to his room. “I uh...rented a room at the hotel, you can have it if you want. Bet it’ll be better than sleeping out here. I’ll leave you alone.” Arthur explained as he handed it out to him.

“I don’t want your pity.” Kieran grumbled and crossed his arms.

“Oh don’t start with this again.” Arthur groaned “It’s not pity, I’m leaving so I won’t use it. Just take the damn key.” Arthur insisted.

In Arthur’s opinion, Kieran still looked like he wanted to kill him, so it came as a surprise that he accepted the key, though, he did yank it out of Arthur’s grasp. Kieran stomped back to the hotel, and Arthur watched him walk away with regret in his eyes. He wanted to say something, he had no idea what, but he wanted to. Something to make Kieran turn around and make him forgive Arthur for fucking up every interaction they had. 

Arthur rubbed his face and started walking to the restaurant around the corner. He felt awful and frustrated. He didn’t know how to reach out to Kieran. It felt like every time he tried he just made things worse. In a way, he felt that he deserved it. 

He ordered some lamb’s fry, and as he waited for his order, he pulled out his journal and soon he found himself sketching Kieran to pass the time. He managed to recreate that deep frown with which he had looked at Arthur, the dark circles under his eyes, and that nasty scar on his face. Arthur had so many more questions about that scar, but he wasn’t going to ask any of them anytime soon.

Once he finished his lunch, he went to the post office to send some letters to Deborah MacGuiness and pick up the money for the previous notes he had sent her. He hadn’t lied about the dinosaur bones after all. He kept some of the money, then sent the rest to “Tacitus Kilgore” so Mr. Strauss could pick it up later and add it to the camps’ funds.

After that, he mounted his horse and left Strawberry with the intention of riding all the way back to Lemoyne, but before he knew it, he was turning around and riding through the surrounding area, making sure the place was clear of bandits, and looking for a new place where Kieran could go to. He felt guilty over the argument, and wanted to make things better, but he couldn’t help but feel like that wasn’t his only motivation. He figured it was just that part inside him that sometimes made him want to do the right thing, if he knew anything about doing things right anymore. 

He decided he would give Kieran a couple of hours to rest and calm down, and then he’d try to talk to him again and apologize. Maybe he’d let him help him him figure out his next move and stay safe. Hopefully, he’d manage to do it without ruining their relationship any further. If it didn’t go well, he would have to resign himself to leave Kieran alone for good, if that’s what Kieran wanted. 

—————————————————————

“Dutch, I’m glad to see you again.” Micah dismounted and smiled as he walked towards him. Unfortunately for him, Dutch didn’t return the smile.

“What took you so long?! There’s tons of work to be done! We are out of money and the Pinkertons-“

“I know, I know. Don’t you worry about it. We’re here now, and we’ll take care of it. Won’t we, boys?” 

Bill and Javier nodded, Charles did too, just not as vigorously.

“I need a drink first.” Charles groaned and walked past them, shortly after, the other two followed him.

Dutch looked behind Micah and frowned.

“Where’s Arthur?”

“Oh, I'm glad you mention him. Our little cowpoke stayed behind, still out there looking for that O’Driscoll rat, but I need to talk to you about something else regarding him.” Micah said with a smirk. “Perhaps we should go to your tent?”

Dutch eyed him suspiciously, but he nodded.

“These aren’t good news, are they?”

“I’m afraid not.” Micah shook his head.

“Arthur is like a son to me, he would never-“

“Maybe you don’t know him that well, but like I said, we should go to your tent for this.”

Dutch frowned and sighed. “Fine.”

Micah could barely contain his smile as he followed him to his tent.

He told Dutch about how ‘strange’ Arthur had been acting lately, according to him, the start of this unusual behavior started even before Kieran had disappeared. He was surprised to find out Dutch wasn’t aware of their midnight fishing trips. A very odd hour for that activity, in Micah’s opinion. 

How did he know about these fishing trips? Well, he had stumbled upon them one evening, and he had even heard them talk about the other gang members. Even about Dutch, much to Dutch’s disbelief. If Micah remembers correctly, he had heard Arthur say “they were all Dutch’s slaves.” Dutch frowned and looked at his feet but continued to listen. 

There was also the fact that he had found a possible clue about Kieran’s whereabouts, and he hadn’t cared to share the important information with the rest of the search party. Instead, he stayed there the whole time, and when they finally found him, he was wearing a very familiar blue neckerchief a certain O’Driscoll tended to use.

And now? Well, he was still up there in the mountains. Supposedly working, but Micah had other suspicions he was eager to share with Dutch. Except Dutch didn’t let him. He stopped him before he could continue and asked Micah to give him some time to think about what he had just told him, then closed the flaps of his tent.

Micah was a bit disappointed but he trusted in Dutch’s better judgement to do the right thing about the situation, whether he considered Arthur a son or not.

“What are you smiling so much about?” Bill grumbled as he peeled a tangerine with his knife. They were sitting at the poker table while everyone else worked, they deserved a break after spending all that time looking for Kieran. At least in their opinion.

“Oh nothing. I’m just a happy man I guess.” Micah smiled.

“Happy man…” Bill grumbled.

“You’re such a sourpuss. You used to be fun, now you’re basically Morgan.” Micah lit up a cigarette and sat back in his chair.

“I ain’t like him.” Bill frowned.

“No, I supposed not. Somehow you’re dumber than him.”

“Fuck you, Micah.” Bill glared at him and shoved a wedge of tangerine in his mouth.

“Fucking, that’s exactly what you need to stop being so grumpy.”

“Yeah? What do you know about that? Bet you’ve never fucked anyone.”

Micah took a drag of his cigarette and chuckled after blowing out the smoke. “I fucked Kieran.”

“You’re making that up.” Bill huffed.

“Woah, don’t be jealous. I know he was your crush.” Micah smirked.

“Shut up.” Bill grumbled and crossed his arms. After a moment, he couldn’t help but ask more about it. “Did you really?”

“Mhm.” Micah took a drag of his cigarette, and stared into the trees, smiling wickedly as the memories replayed in his mind. “For such a scrawny guy, he has a pretty cute lil ass. And so fucking tight too.”

“Why the hell would he sleep with you?” Bill grumbled again.

“Oh, he's not the shy little boy everyone sees. He’s a slut. Practically begged me to fuck him. He likes it real rough too, even if he can’t handle it. He started whining and crying like a little bitch halfway through.”

“I doubt he begged you…”

Micah laughed and pulled his jacket lower to conceal the boner he was starting to get. 

“Don’t be mad Bill, maybe when we find him, you can have him all to yourself for a bit, before we kill him that is.”

“Don’t want him if you already fucked him. Who knows what kind of shit you spread to him. He might be dead by now.”

“I’d be more concerned if you had done it first. You sure have the face of a goat fucker.”

“Eat shit.” Bill threw the peels of his tangerine at him, stood up, and walked away, grumbling to himself as he heard Micah’s laughter in the background.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I have been updating really late. Sorry about that.
> 
> Also I’m worried about how long this is getting, I hope you guys aren’t getting bored of this fic already lol.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Kieran sat near the window, with a thick blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He bit his nails as he looked down into the streets. It had gotten dark pretty fast, and the town looked emptier now, except for the occasional drunk that came out stumbling from the local saloon. 

His anger had finally died down. In fact, he felt much calmer now than he had ever been since arriving in Strawberry. Thanks to the fact that he had a roof over his head this time, he was safe from the outside world. At least for one night. 

He reached for his bag and pulled out the map Oliver had given him and spread it open over his lap. The shack’s location was marked in red, and Kieran remembered the directions from Wallace Station to it. But he was far away from Wallace Station now. Where the hell was Strawberry located, anyway? He looked at his map and he tried to guess where he was, since he couldn’t read the names of the places. 

He knew Arthur had told him to stay away from the north, but if the others were on their way back to Lemoyne, he figured it wouldn’t be dangerous to try to go there anymore. He would give anything to find a place where he could permanently stay in, he desperately needed to feel safe again. Or else, the constant fear of being homeless would drive him insane. 

But he had no idea how he would get there. After a few minutes of staring confused at the map, he crumpled it and threw it to the other side of the room in frustration. He felt stupid and useless, and he went back to staring out the window.

He leaned his head against the glass, and wondered for a moment where Arthur was, and if he had left for good this time. Despite how mad he had been, it was hard to think that what would likely be his last interaction with Arthur was that fight. Kieran couldn’t say he hated him. Arthur was frustrating and kind of a jerk sometimes, but he didn’t hate him. He just hated his intrusive questions.

But that didn’t matter anymore, because Arthur was gone now, and it was his fault. Just like everything else, he thought. He had been thinking about it lately, and he couldn’t stop the intrusive thoughts that told him that everything that had happened was caused by him not standing up to Micah sooner. That day that Micah beat him up next to the lake, he should’ve stood up and told him he wasn’t going to help him. Maybe he should’ve fought harder when he was on top of him. Or he should have let Micah kill him, instead of let him rape him.

Because that’s what he did. Kieran couldn’t help but scratch his arm as he remembered how he had stopped fighting, he even fucking nodded to let Micah know he was just going to take it. 

He considered spending all night like that, blaming himself and over analyzing every little detail, but instead he stood up, grabbed his bag and left the room. He needed something that would stop him from thinking about it. 

“Oh, good night, sir.” The receptionist greeted him as he watched him walk into the lobby downstairs. “Do you need any-?”

“Do you sell any alcohol here?” Kieran quickly asked.

“Uh… no, but the saloon is just across the street. I’m sure they’ll have what you’re looking for.”

Kieran frowned and turned to look out the window. He hated the idea of going out, even more so going to a place filled with drunk men, but he feared more spending the night sober with his own thoughts. 

He opened the door and shivered, the temperature had dropped much lower, and his coat felt almost useless to such coldness. He decided he would try the store first, he would much rather buy alcohol there and go back to his room to drink it than be around other people. But to his bad luck, he found the doors closed and the lights inside turned off. He dreaded going to the saloon, but he started walking in its direction anyway.

The Horseshoe Saloon was a tiny, ugly establishment. The whole place looked dirty and old, and the smell was even worse, but to the local men it seemed like the happiest place on earth. Kieran almost turned around and left the moment he walked in, but he told himself he at least needed to get one shot. 

He approached the counter, keeping his head down and avoiding all eye contact with everyone around him, except for the bored looking barman.

“What can I get you?”

Kieran started with something strong, he ordered a shot of whiskey and downed it quickly, coughing a little as it burned his throat. He knew he would soon start to feel the effects of the alcohol. He wasn’t exactly a lightweight, but he was drinking on an empty stomach after all.

He was thankful for how little attention the other patrons seemed to give him, and that encouraged him to stay for a bit, though he didn’t move from the bar, and he kept a watchful eye over his shoulder just in case.

Kieran kept ordering, and It wasn’t long before he started to feel tipsy, slightly relaxed, and he wasn’t paying as much attention to the people around him. He didn’t feel the need, it was the least paranoid he had felt in several days. He didn’t exactly feel happy, but he sure as hell wasn't thinking of Micah, or Arthur, or anybody. And for that, he was glad.

“Another?” The bartender asked and Kieran nodded vigorously and paid for his drink. He was leaning on the counter for balance now, but he still stumbled a little, bumping into the man next to him.

“S-sorry…” Kieran slurred.

“Be careful there, partner.” The man chuckled.

“I… I’m drunk.” Kieran blurted out, not knowing exactly why or why he kept talking to the stranger.

“Yeah, I see that. Just don’t step on me, will ya?”

“Sure…”

Kieran got his drink, and the stranger watched him down it in one move. Kieran didn’t even wince this time as he swallowed. He had no idea if this was his fourth or sixth shot. Everything was getting confusing. 

“Tough night?” The man asked.

“I want to die.” Kieran admitted.

The man chuckled and took a sip of his own drink. “Well, looks like you’re halfway there.” The man clinked his glass with Kieran’s and walked away, leaving him feeling confused. Or more confused than he already was, he wasn’t sure where he was anymore, but it didn’t matter. He needed another drink. 

Before he knew it, Kieran ended up spending the rest of his money. He could barely stand on his own now and at that point, he decided he had had enough, thought it wasn’t like he could continue anyway. 

He stumbled his way out and was met with heavy rain, he shivered and rubbed his arms. It was cold enough to see vapor come out of his mouth. He definitely wanted to go back to his hotel room.

Kieran tried to take a step, but he stumbled again, and this time he fell to the ground, managing to land on his knees.

“Shit…” He groaned as his knees and hands got covered in mud. He took a moment to check his surroundings, he was disoriented, and he didn’t know where the hotel was anymore. He tried to stand up once more, but he only ended up falling again, on his side this time. He was getting soaked and covered in mud, but every attempt at getting up only made him land back on the dirt.

He tried a couple more times with the same result. Eventually, he got tired, and his eyes started closing despite how cold and wet he was. On the back of his mind, he knew he would probably freeze to death if he stayed out there, but he didn’t seem to care about that anymore. He figured he would’ve probably died a couple of days later anyway. 

It wasn’t long before he closed his eyes and lost consciousness. 

The next time Kieran opened his eyes, he was inexplicably back in his bed, underneath several blankets, and his throat was itchy. He started coughing, and that’s when he noticed he wasn’t alone. 

“Hey.” A voice called and Kieran snapped his neck in its direction, expecting the worst, but It was just Arthur, whom Kieran thought was miles away from Strawberry. He was sitting on the same spot where Kieran had spent his evening gazing out the window. 

“What are you doing here?” Kieran couldn’t help the hostility in his tone. He was confused and slightly concerned about having being brought back into the room while being unconscious. He looked under the covers and relaxed a little once he confirmed his clothes were still on, though that wasn’t a guarantee. In any case, his current hangover was probably the cause for his irritableness. 

“Making sure you don’t die… for some reason.” Arthur said, mumbling the last part. 

“You said you were leaving.” Kieran said, more confused than annoyed. He then went into a coughing fit and Arthur stood up, pulling a small bottle out of his bag.

“I know, but I need your help.” Arthur said as he opened said bottle and approached him. 

“My help?” Kieran asked incredulously as he backed away, staring suspiciously at the bottle in Arthur’s hand. “I already told you I have nothing to say about Micah.”

“It’s not about him.” Arthur stood next to the bed, holding out the bottle out to Kieran. Now that he was closer, Kieran could see what it was. The label read “cough syrup”.

But Kieran still couldn’t help but distrust him and the contents of the bottle, despite how much he wanted to get rid of the itchy feeling in his throat. He was also curious about what could Arthur possibly need from him. That didn’t mean he would help him, he just wanted to know. 

“It’s not about the money either, or anything about the gang. I promise.” Arthur added. “And I think you’d actually like to help me with this.” 

Kieran squinted at him, and after a moment he asked.

“What is it?”

“You’ll see soon, but how about we talk for a bit first?”

”Talk about what?” Kieran asked, then coughed a couple more times.

“You didn’t let me finish last time, but I wanted to help you find a new place to stay.” 

“Why?” 

“Because you obviously need help.”

“I need it?” Kieran frowned. “What makes you say that?”

“I found you a couple of hours ago unconscious in the middle of the street, a guy from the saloon came out and tried to carry you somewhere to rob you and probably kill you too.”

Kieran’s eyes went wide and he felt a shiver run down his spine. He thought about the smiling stranger he talked to, he could barely remember him but he had given him a bad feeling. God, he couldn’t let his guard down for one second.

“And he’s…?”

“He won’t bother you again.” Arthur said seriously. He got tired of waiting for Kieran to take the medicine, so he just put the cap back on and left it on the nightstand. “I know the area. I can get you somewhere safe. You aren’t planning on staying in Strawberry forever, are you?”

Kieran thought about the man that was supposedly trying to drag him somewhere. He wrapped the blanket tighter around his body.

“No. I don’t.”

“So let me help you look for a place to stay. A permanent one.”

“I already have a place in mind.” Kieran mumbled.

“Oh. Ok then, where is it?” Arthur asked. Kieran looked at the floor and pointed to the map crumbled at the other end of the room. Arthur frowned in confusion but he picked it up and spread it open.

“It’s the shack I told you about, but I don’t know how to get there from here.” Kieran explained, then coughed.

“I told you it was dangerous, why do you still want to go there?.” 

Kieran frowned. “I trust the person who told me to go there, plus, you said the others were leaving, so it can’t be dangerous anymore.”

“Yeah, but there might still be O’Driscolls around. Also who told you to go there?”

“A friend, ok?” Kieran grumbled.

“A friend?” Arthur frowned.

“Mhm.” 

“You know, you make it real hard to talk to you when you act so secretive.” Arthur huffed.

Kieran yanked the map out of his hands and got out of bed. “Fine, I’ll get there myself.”

“Are you deaf? It’s dangerous to go there. Don’t be an idiot, they’ll kill you.” 

“I can take care of myself!” Kieran yelled. 

Arthur felt himself about to yell something back, but instead of doing what he did last time, he tried to remain calm and negotiate.

“Look, a while ago, I was near the Grizzlies and found another abandoned cabin near a pond. It’s far from here, but I know for sure there’s no O’Driscolls around those parts, or any other important dangers. We can go check it out first, and if you still don’t want to stay there, I can take you to the shack.”

“I want to go to the shack first.” Kieran crossed his arms.

“Oh dear god, why do you have to be so damn stub-?“ Before Arthur could finish his sentence, he was interrupted by a knock on the door. Kieran seemed frightened and looked at Arthur expecting an explanation. He obviously thought it was some kind of trap set up by him.

“Room service.” A cheery voice called from outside. Kieran blinked confused. He was a bit relieved but he still looked pretty anxious 

“I didn’t order room-“

“I did.” Arthur explained and went to open the door. He received two plates of food and after quickly thanking the man outside, he closed the door with his foot. “Well? Sit down, we can continue arguing after we eat.” Arthur set the plates on the table and sat down as Kieran still tried to process what was happening.

Kieran just stood there, trying to resist despite not being able to ignore how much his stomach was rumbling at the sight of food. 

Arthur noticed his hesitation, and just rolled his eyes and grabbed his utensils. “There’s nothing in the food if that’s what you’re thinking. Why would I want to hurt you when I risked my ass helping you?” 

“You seem to change your mind pretty quickly. Always found that annoying about you.” Kieran grumbled as he finally sat down in front of Arthur. 

“Yeah? Well, you aren’t so pleasant all the time either.” Arthur grumbled back and stuffed his mouth with scrambled eggs.

“Then why do you even bother to help me, if I’m so unpleasant?” Kieran crossed his arms.

“I’m still wondering that myself.” Arthur frowned. He noticed the way Kieran looked down at his lap. He seemed sad, and it made Arthur want to take back his words. “I guess… I guess I like your annoying ass.” Arthur mumbled and Kieran’s eyes went wide for a moment. “N-not your actual ass. That’s not what I-“

“I didn’t assume you meant that.” Kieran blinked confused.

“Oh. Good.” 

“Good.”

There was an awkward silence for a moment, but then it was interrupted by another one of Kieran’s coughing fits. Arthur seemed equally annoyed and concerned with how much he coughed.

“Please drink that medicine.” Arthur begged, and surprisingly, Kieran stood up to get the bottle from the nightstand and took a swig of it. 

After that, they both ate in silence. It was like they had finally ran out of energy to continue arguing, or maybe they felt too awkward to do so. But it was fine by Arthur, he was glad their reunion hadn’t ended with Kieran yelling at him to go away and him slamming the door on his way out. He preferred the strange tension between them over that.

Arthur was still a bit embarrassed about the misunderstanding, so he avoided looking at Kieran in the eyes. Even daring to look at his hands felt like a challenge, but if he hadn’t been watching, he would’ve missed the way Kieran’s sleeve slid back as he reached for the jug of juice.

There on his wrist, there were a couple of small cuts. They looked red around the scabs and they seemed very recent. Arthur almost said something, but he knew that was probably a bad idea, considering how easily Kieran got upset lately. Instead, he continued eating in silence, though he couldn’t help but glance at his wrist from time to time. 

He doubted someone else did that to him, or that he got them on accident. He didn’t understand why Kieran would do something like that, and he wondered if he had tried to kill himself. Maybe he had done it while being drunk off his ass the previous night? Who knew. And he doubted Kieran would ever tell him on his own. But Arthur knew that right now was not the time to ask, as much as he wanted to know what was going on with him. 

“So, are you going to tell me what’s the thing you need my help with?” Kieran asked after a moment, pulling Arthur out of his thoughts.

“Oh, uh. It’s waiting outside, I’d like for you to see it for yourself.”

“Waiting?” Kieran raised an eyebrow.

“Just trust me, you’re going to like it.” Arthur insisted. He was confident that when Kieran saw what was waiting outside, he would slowly start to forgive him. Or he hoped that at least it would make him smile. God knows it had been a while since Arthur had seen him happy, and as much as he wanted to deny how much it mattered to him, he wanted to make Kieran smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I finished chapter 15 already. so see you all next Thursday for an update as usual!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter so far jaja sorry? Idk it’s just that whenever Kieran and Arthur are together in a scene I want to write a whole thesis about them lol.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy it!

Arthur reached the window, looked outside for the tenth time and paced back to the other side of the hall. He sighed and decided to sit down again on the small couch next to Kieran’s room.

“Are you ready yet?” Arthur asked exasperated.

He got no answer. God, how long could he take to change clothes?

“I’ll meet you outside of town if you don’t hurry up!” Arthur called. A few seconds passed, and Kieran opened the door. Arthur looked inside, and he couldn’t think of what to say.

It was no wonder the clothes were a bit too large for Kieran, since Arthur had a much broader chest and shoulders. Plus, it seemed like Kieran had lost a bit of weight since he left the gang, and it was now only made more apparent thanks to the clothes. But there was something about seeing Kieran in his shirt and pants that made it hard for Arthur to form coherent thoughts.

“Well… it’s an improvement from those muddy and ragged clothes you had on before.” Arthur ended up saying. 

“I guess.” Kieran shrugged and started putting on his coat, his scarf, and his knitted gloves.

“You can keep those.” Arthur said and walked over to the bed where Kieran’s old clothes were crumbled into a pile. “I think you should throw these away.“ Arthur reached for his clothes, but Kieran took them before he could even grab them, and held them close to his chest. “What, you want to keep them?”

“No.” Kieran answered quickly. “I’ll do it.” Kieran turned around and walked over to the fireplace. He threw his shirt and his pants into the fire without hesitation, leaving Arthur slightly confused.

“Ok… so, are you ready to go now?”

Kieran nodded and grabbed his bag and the rest of his stuff.

“What’s waiting outside?” Kieran asked again as they made their way downstairs. 

“I told you you’ll see soon. Geez, are you always this impatient?” Arthur said without any real venom as he walked to the receptionist’s desk to return the room’s key.

Kieran put his hands in his pockets and waited for Arthur to finish talking to the receptionist. He tried looking out the window, but he didn’t see anything special. 

Arthur walked up to the front door and Kieran followed behind, then on the side of the building, he saw what Arthur was talking about. The moment he set his eyes on it, Kieran pressed his lips together in an attempt to hide a smile.

“Well? Come take a look.” Arthur waved at him to get close to the horse. Kieran didn’t need to be told twice.

“How am I supposed to help you with this?” Kieran asked, still barely containing his urge to pet the beautiful chestnut Tennessee Walker stallion standing in front of him, right next to Arthur’s horse. 

“Well, I already have a horse, and this big boy needs a new owner. I was wondering if you could get it off my back. I can always sell him if you don’t want him.” Arthur shrugged.

“Did you steal this horse?” Kieran finally approached it, lifting his hand up to its muzzle and allowing it to sniff it. The horse was shy at first, but it quickly allowed himself to be touched by Kieran.

“Uhh… is it considered stealing if I took it from a guy that tried to rob me?”

“It is.” Kieran answered without even bothering to look at him. Arthur smiled to himself for a moment. Kieran seemed to like the horse.

“Oh well, I hope you don’t mind then. The man was a dick to him anyway, think he’ll be better off with you. If you want him…”

“Sure. Thank you.” Kieran couldn’t fight the smile this time. It was faint, but genuine. He was still surprised whenever someone showed him kindness, and he couldn’t deny that coming from Arthur, it was even more unexpected, especially when it was a gesture as big as a horse. “He’s a Walker, just like Branwen.” Kieran smiled at the horse this time, as he petted its neck.

“Yeah. They’re good horses.” Arthur said as he adjusted the saddle for Kieran. 

“How is she by the way?” Kieran couldn’t help but ask.

“Last I saw her she was ok. But I guess she misses you. Lenny has been taking good care of her. He’s the only one she allows near her.”

“I miss her too.” Kieran petted his new horse and smiled a bit sadly as it sniffed his hair, just like Branwen used to. “But I’m glad Lenny is looking after her. I’ve always liked him.”

“He’s a good kid.” Arthur said. “But I'm a bit surprised, I thought you hated all of us, since you said everyone treated you like shit.”

“I… I was upset when I said that. Maybe I generalized too much. Some of you were nice to me...” Kieran glanced at Arthur for a second.

Arthur nodded a little then looked away. “We should get going.”

Arthur took the lead as they rode out of Strawberry. He decided they would be passing by the Owanjila lake and riding around the Big Valley, rather than through it to keep a safe distance from the last known location of the O’Driscoll camps. If everything went according to plan, they would be at the upper part of Little Creek River in a couple of hours. Kieran didn’t have much objection about the choice in route. He was just glad they were going where he had meant to go from the beginning.

“So, you got a name for that horse, or should we just keep calling him Walker?” Arthur asked a few miles into their trip.

“I was thinking maybe Bran. He’s Branwen’s brother, according to Welsh mythology.”

“Welsh mythology huh? Now how the hell do you know about that?”

“My mammy used to teach me about it when I was young.”

“Oh. Well, Bran sounds good I guess.” Arthur shrugged. “Don’t think the horse minds the name either.”

“What do you like to name your horses after?” Kieran asked curiously as he looked through his bag for something to give to Bran, who looked kind of hungry. Kieran smiled as he found the last apple he had and held it to the horse’s mouth. 

“Me? Uh, I guess I like calling them after interesting people too. Growing up, Dutch and Hosea used to read a lot of historical books to me, and I took a couple of names from there. But sometimes I don’t put too much thought into it. I once had a horse called Peanut. He was alright.” Arthur slowed down as they approached a bridge. They were going to have to pass one by one since it was too narrow to fit both horses.

“Peanut?” Kieran snorted. “I guess it’s not too bad. What happened to h-?” Kieran looked up and he froze. Arthur had stopped in front of him, his hand slowly reaching for his gun as two mounted strangers at the end of the bridge pointed their guns at them. 

“Stop where you are and put your hands up.” One of them called. Kieran recognized that voice. More damn O’Driscolls.

“I think you should get out of the way before you get a bullet in your brain, boy.” Arthur said in a threatening tone.

“Did you hear that?” One of the O’Driscolls laughed. “The way I see it, you’re the one who’ll end up with a pierced skull. Now get off the horses.”

Arthur glared at them and turned slightly to Kieran.“Don’t do any sudden moves, ok? Just follow my lead and do as I say.” Arthur had just finished whispering when Kieran pulled his pistol out and shot one of the men in the head.

“You’re a dead man!” The remaining O’Driscoll yelled as he watched his companion’s body being dragged by his spooked horse, Kieran didn’t lose any more time and shot the other man too, only he missed this time and got him on the shoulder. A second later Arthur finished him off with a shot to the head.

“Woah! Shh, it’s alright boy. It’s ok.” Kieran tried to calm down Bran before he bucked him off. Meanwhile, Arthur sheathed his pistol and turned to Kieran with a deep frown.

“What the hell was that?!” Arthur yelled.

“They were going to kill us.” Kieran said as sheathed his pistol.

“I know, that’s why we needed to be careful!”

“I knew we could deal with them!”

“You don’t make the calls here, alright?! If I say you wait for my instructions you fucking do it! You’re going to get us killed.”

“I know how to shoot fast! I knew I could take them out!”

“Oh so that’s what this is about? You trying to prove something? Do that shit when only your life is on the line. If you have a death wish, keep cutting your wrists but don’t bring me into it, I have people depending on me back home!” Arthur growled and spurred his horse on. 

Kieran was taken aback by Arthur’s words. The hurt they caused was made evident by his watering eyes but surprisingly, he felt more guilty than sad. He had genuinely meant to help get them out of a difficult situation but Arthur was right, maybe it wasn’t his decision to make. And he was right about how stupid it was to put his life on the line, Arthur’s life was more important.

“C’mon, we need to leave.” Arthur called from the other side of the bridge and Kieran wiped his tears on his sleeve, though a few more came out.  
He followed Arthur in silence, and he wondered when had he even seen his wrist, he felt embarrassed about it and he just wanted to crawl into a ditch and hide.

On the other hand, Arthur wasn’t feeling great either. The moment those words had left his mouth he had felt horrible, but it was too late to take them back. He had a right to be pissed, but not to be cruel, and he deeply regretted saying such an awful thing.

They reached the other side of the bridge and rode past the O’Driscoll’s body the horse had dragged away, Arthur stared at his shocked expression and the hole between his eyes. Kieran was actually a good shot, but Arthur was still too upset to admit it out loud. He just kept riding ahead, only being aware of Kieran’s presence by his occasional coughs. At least they weren’t sniffles.

Arthur dreaded the moment they would have to stop and rest, because that would mean he would have to finally face Kieran, but his legs were starting to hurt and they would need to eat soon, so he guided the horses off the road and into a small clearing.

“Let’s stop here.” He said and dismounted. Kieran did the same without saying a word. God, this was going to be a long trip. “I have to piss, can you start a fire?” Arthur asked as an excuse to get away for a moment. He didn’t know if Kieran had agreed to it, or if he had even heard him but he was out of there in a second.

Kieran watched him walk away and sighed, then started picking up twigs for the fire. He knew Arthur was avoiding him, and he couldn’t blame him. He was probably still too mad at him. He tended to the fire and thought about what to say when he came back. He considered asking Arthur to tell him how to get to the shack so that he didn’t have to escort him anymore, but he didn’t know if that would make him sound ungrateful. He just didn’t want to force Arthur to travel with him if he was angry at him. 

The sound of twigs breaking alerted Kieran of Arthur’s return, and Kieran purposely avoided looking at him. Arthur didn’t try to engage with him either, he just sat by the fire and got a small bundle with chunks of meat out of his bag. He grabbed his knife and stabbed one of them, then held it over the fire.

“You got a knife?” Arthur asked and Kieran nodded and did the same as him, despite not feeling hungry. 

They cooked their lunch in silence, looking miserable, and unable to look at each other. But it was finally Kieran who broke the silence first, he just couldn’t put up with his guilt for one more second. 

“I’m sorry.” Kieran mumbled, finally looking at Arthur, the look on his face was heartbreaking enough to make Arthur want to immediately apologize about what he said, and about every single time he had hurt the poor boy since they met. “I should have listened to you. I’m sorry for putting you in danger. I won’t do that again.”

“Kieran…”

“You don’t have to travel with me if you don’t want, I’ll understand. You’ve done enough for me. And I’m also sorry for yelling at you and distrusting you when you only try to help me...”

“Kieran, stop.” Kieran shut his mouth and stared into the fire. “I’m still taking you to that shack. I want to. And… I’m sorry too.” Kieran looked at him and blinked away tears. “What I said was wrong, and I didn’t mean it. Your life matters too. And I’m so sorry about what I said about your…”

Arthur glanced at Kieran’s wrist, making Kieran hide his hand in the pocket of his coat. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Kieran mumbled. 

“It does. And you’ll probably tell me to fuck off, especially after what I said but...if you ever want to talk about it….”

“I really don’t.” Kieran said firmly. 

“Alright, well, the offer is still there...” Kieran nodded and Arthur sighed.

“So, are we good…?” Kieran asked.

“Yeah. We are. For now at least, we’ll probably find some dumb thing to fight about later.” Arthur tried to joke to lighten up the mood. Kieran smiled a little. “You did good back there by the way.” Arthur added, making Kieran raise his eyebrows.

“I… did?”

“Yeah. It was reckless and stupid, but you’re good with that pistol. You did save my life once, after all.”

Kieran smiled and ate a piece of meat. They didn’t say much after that, but the tension between them was finally gone. Arthur was especially glad for it. Being able to make up after that made it feel like they were finally making progress towards rebuilding what they briefly had back in Clemens Point. And without the others around, it felt easier to hang out with Kieran, even if it was just as easy to get into a fight with him. They would figure it out, he thought.

—————————————————————

Kieran was starting to feel like he didn’t want to go to the shack anymore as they rode on the outskirts of the Big Valley. Of course, he didn’t say a word about it. Arthur would be real pissed if he knew. 

It wasn’t that he was starting to realize how dangerous the trip was, thanks to the couple more stranded O’Driscolls and other bandits they had found along the way. He didn’t feel like going anymore because of what it would mean to get there.

He was enjoying traveling with Arthur. After they had mutually apologized, Arthur acted a bit awkward around Kieran at first, then he started being more thoughtful and caring towards him. Offering him snacks, sharing advice and asking him often if he needed to rest. It was an obvious and desperate attempt at trying to make it up to him for what he had said. Kieran found it hilarious, and though he had long forgotten about Arthur’s hurtful remarks, he did accept a few crackers from him.

He knew it was dangerous getting too comfortable with his presence, but it was hard to ignore how good it made him feel to have some company. And his company being Arthur of all people. 

Being with him reminded Kieran of when they used to hang out back in camp. Back when everything was simpler, back when he was starting to feel hope of having made a true friend. And when he was still ignorant to what was going to happen to him. He missed being that Kieran in a way. He didn’t feel ready to lose that feeling and those memories as soon as they got to the shack, and Arthur had to leave. But he understood that Arthur had a family to go back to. Kieran needed to worry more about what he would do, once he was alone again.

“Should be up ahead.” Arthur said, examining the map in his hands. “You want to go now or should we take another break?” Kieran was a bit surprised by the suggestion of a break when they were so close, and they had rested not too long ago. He dismissed it and decided to get it over with as soon as possible. 

They rode without any hurry and still keeping an eye out for more bandits, and soon, the shack came into view, or what was left of it, more like…

“Shit…” Arthur sighed, staring down at the burnt down structure. “Guess the O’Driscolls got here sooner.”

“So it seems.” Kieran said flatly.

“I’m sorry. At least you weren’t here when they did this.”

“Yeah.” Kieran finally let out a sigh. As much as he wanted to stick with Arthur, he couldn’t deny that having lost his possible new home was a disappointment.

“Well, we still have plan B, though it’ll take us a while to get there…” Arthur scratched the back of his head.

“I could go there on my own if you need to go back with your family.” Kieran suggested, despite not really wanting to split.

“Hang on, let me think…” Arthur looked around and then at the map. “Wallace Station is around here right?”

Kieran’s face lit up at the mention of the place, it made Arthur curious but instead of asking he spurred his horse on to go a little faster, clearly feeling curious and wanting to see for himself what was in that station that made Kieran light up with joy. Probably that ‘friend’ he talked about.

The plan was to get Kieran on a train to Bacchus Station while Arthur returned to Lemoyne to check up on the gang, and maybe even report to them about Kieran’s death? He wasn’t sure about that yet. Maybe it would be better to just say he disappeared. He would choose on the way there. Meanwhile, Kieran was to camp near Bacchus Station so Arthur could meet up with him in a couple of days to continue their trip. Arthur encouraged him to explore the area if he wanted, but advised him to stay nearby so it would be easier to find him. 

Kieran didn’t question once why Arthur hadn’t chosen to just give him directions on how to get to the cabin and let him find it on his own. He just memorized the plan and followed him to Wallace Station. Once there, he didn’t wait for Arthur. As soon as he hitched his horse he walked quickly to the side of the building where the ticket-selling booth was. Arthur raised an eyebrow and hurried tying the reins of his horse to the hitching post. 

Kieran stood in front of the window, and smiled as he found a dozing Oliver sitting on the other side. He cleared his throat and Oliver opened his eyes with a slightly annoyed expression. Then smiled warmly once he realized it was him. 

“Hi.” Kieran smiled.

“Oh goodness, please tell me you didn’t spend all this time going in circles.” Oliver joked.

“I did get a little lost but no.” Kieran chuckled.

“Is that Kieran?!” Marcus’ voice called from inside the store. In a second he was squeezing in the tiny space of the ticket-selling office next to Oliver to look at Kieran through the window.

“Hi, Marcus.” Kieran smiled at him.

“You’re back! Hang on, I’m coming over!” Marcus and Oliver stood up and walked to the door that connected the platform with the store. Arthur showed up then and stood a few steps behind, watching the scene with a confused expression. “It’s so good to see you again, son.” Marcus smiled and gave Kieran a tight hug, followed by another one from Oliver.

Marcus then looked up and spotted Arthur standing awkwardly a few steps away. He glared at him the moment he recognized him.

“What are you doing here, sir?” 

Both Kieran and Oliver turned around at the sudden change in tone, both looking equally confused.

“Do I know you?” Arthur asked. 

“You leave this boy alone now before I put a bullet in your head.” Marcus threatened.

“Woah, wait.” Kieran got between them and looked at Marcus. “He’s my friend.”

“Friend?” Marcus frowned confused. “This is the man that came here a while ago asking for you. The one you said that did all those awful things to you.” 

Kieran lifted a hand to try to keep Marcus from saying much more. 

“Uh, no he’s not. I thought he was, but that’s another man.”

“Oh I remember now...” Arthur said. “Look, this is all a misunderstanding. I did come by a while ago, but I’m here to help him now.”

Marcus looked at Kieran for confirmation. Kieran nodded.

“It’s true.”

“And how exactly do you plan to help him?” Marcus asked, still a bit doubtful.

“I just need two train tickets. I’m getting him somewhere safe.” Arthur explained.

“Fine.” Marcus turned to Kieran and hugged him again. “You need anything else?”

“No, thank you. And don’t worry about him. I’ll be fine.” Kieran reassured him. 

“Wherever you go now, write to us if you can, alright?”

“Sure.” Kieran smiled, and Marcus let go of him and walked back to the store, still giving Arthur a few suspicious looks.

“So uh… where are you traveling to?” Oliver awkwardly asked. 

Arthur got their tickets, one to Bacchus Station and one to Rhodes, then sat with Kieran on one of the benches at the platform, facing the railroads. They had brought Bran closer to the platform so he could be loaded into the train when it arrived.

Arthur still felt a bit tense, and felt as though Marcus was watching him, despite Kieran reassuring him that Marcus couldn’t see him from there, and Oliver had gone on his break. 

“Are they your adoptive parents or something?” Arthur asked after a moment.

“No. They’re just friends. I met them the first night I arrived here from Rhodes. They’ve been really kind to me. Marcus himself stitched the cut on my face.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good.” Arthur said. He stayed silent for a few seconds, though clearly he wanted to say something. Finally, after a few minutes he couldn’t help but ask. “That thing he said… about a man doing awful things to you, is that...?”

“It’s nothing.” Kieran quickly dismissed. Before Arthur could ask more, the sound of a distant train caught their attention. Arthur decided to leave the matter alone. For now at least.

“All board the train to Bacchus Station, please! Leaving in five minutes!” Oliver called and went back inside.

Arthur and Kieran stood up and stared at the train as it stopped in front of them. Loading Bran into the special wagon gave them a few extra minutes to say goodbye, but neither of them knew what to say or how to act. Thankfully for them, the man checking the tickets announced everything was ready and that the train was leaving soon, or else they would have stayed there standing like idiots for hours.

“I, uh, I'll see you in a few days.” Arthur awkwardly said as Kieran hopped on the passengers’ wagon.

“Yeah. See you.” Kieran waved back and showed the man inside his ticket. Kieran and Arthur avoided looking at each other as the train started moving, but just before it was too late, their eyes crossed paths. 

Arthur stared down the road long after the train was gone, then flopped down on the bench with a sigh. 

Behind him, on the ticket-selling booth, Oliver rolled his eyes and smirked like he knew exactly what was going on with those two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry to those who were disappointed by Branwen not coming back. :(


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, long chapter again haha. Sorry for the delay, apparently I love to make myself stressed so I decided to participate on Inktober lol I’m @mlter on Insta if you want to check them out.
> 
> Also sorry for how slow the slow burn is. 
> 
> Thank you all again!

The hot weather in Lemoyne was, as usual, almost unbearable, but the humidity was even worse. Arthur had been back in Rhodes for an hour, and he was already feeling like he was being boiled alive in his thin cotton shirt. He almost missed the freezing air of the Big Valley, but he would take being uncomfortably drenched in sweat over spending another night shivering uncontrollably. He was glad to be back with the gang, at least. Seeing familiar friendly faces like Hosea’s and Dutch’s is just what he needed after such a long journey.

But to his surprise, Dutch didn’t exactly give him the warm welcome he was expecting.

“Well, you certainly took your time to come back.” Dutch said, putting his hands on his hips.

“Really? Not even a ‘hi, did you have any trouble out there?’” Arthur huffed. 

Dutch’s expression seemed to softened up a little at that.

“Didn’t think it was necessary to ask. You can handle trouble on your own just fine. Forgive me, there’s just a lot to do around here. We need you.”

Arthur groaned and walked up to sit at one of the chairs to the side of Dutch’s tent, his father following his lead and sitting next to him. “I know, I know. But I just came back from freezing my ass off looking for Kieran, can I at least get a break first?” 

“Of course.” Dutch patted his shoulder. “How did that go, by the way? Micah said you wanted to stay behind to look for him.”

Arthur ran a hand down his face and let out a tired sigh. “I got nothing. If I’m honest, I don’t think we’ll find him anymore…”

“Is that so…?” Dutch stared into Arthur’s eyes, making him slightly uncomfortable. “Well, what a shame. Although, I guess we can still keep an eye out for him, in case one of us sees him somewhere or runs into him.” Dutch’s eyes stared so intensely Arthur had to look away. He had always found it hard to lie to Dutch, ever since he was a little boy. There was nothing he could hide from the man, but this time, he would really have to try. For Kieran’s sake. 

“Yeah. Damn shame.” Arthur repeated. “But maybe it’s time to move on and work on getting that money somewhere else.” Arthur said, clearing his throat.

“I agree, and we’re already working on it.” Hosea suddenly caught their attention. Arthur felt a wave of relief as he saw him walk up to them with a warm smile and beer in hand that he extended to Arthur. “So go get some rest and meet me and John later.”

Arthur sighed and grabbed the beer. “It’s good to see you, old man.” Arthur said as he stood up.

“You too, boy.” Hosea smiled and took a seat next to Dutch once Arthur was gone. 

There was silence for a moment, before Dutch turned to Hosea and spoke again.

“Hosea, you know I value your opinion greatly, and your judgement is often better than mine...”

“My, have you been been drinking? I never thought i'd hear you admit that out loud.” Hosea chuckled then went into a momentary coughing fit. “What do you need my better judgement for this time?”

“Do you think Arthur is hiding something from me?” Dutch finally asked.

“Of course he is. It seems like you haven’t been paying attention these past twenty years.” Hosea smiled in the direction of their son, who was currently in his tent, struggling to take his boots off. “But in my experience, it has never been anything bad, so don’t you worry about it.”

“This might not be something like hiding his first crush for a boy, Hosea.” 

Hosea sighed and turned to Dutch with a serious expression. “You know, I think you’re listening to Micah way too much lately. You should start paying more attention to the people who love you.” 

Dutch blinked in surprise like he was caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to. His mouth hung open as he watched Hosea get up and walk away. 

“What do you mean?! I’ve been- I-“

“Just leave Arthur alone, please.” Hosea said without even turning around. 

Despite still having some doubts, Dutch did listen to Hosea and didn’t bother Arthur again with questions about what he had been doing up in the mountains. Unfortunately for Arthur, he still couldn’t relax completely. In just a couple of hours, Arthur found out Dutch wasn’t lying when he said there was a lot of work to do. Or perhaps they were depending too much on his help, as usual. He had barely gotten any sleep when he had to get up to go help Hosea and John with something, then burn some crops with Sean, it went on like that for the rest of the day and he feared the next day would be the same. He didn’t mind helping the gang, they were his family after all, but he often felt like he had too much weight on his shoulders. Dealing with pressure like that could be as exhausting as physical work, and he often found himself dealing with both.

In between tasks he barely had time to investigate Micah. In fact, he hadn’t even seen him around since Arthur had come back. He was glad for that, but at the same time, it gave him a bad feeling. Arthur hoped he would soon find some kind of proof of Micah’s involvement in the money robbery so he could have an excuse to finally put a bullet in his head. God knows he had wanted to do it ever since he saw the scar Micah left on Kieran’s cheek…

—————————————————————-

Kieran shifted in his seat for what felt like the one-hundredth time. He didn’t like trains. He had seen way too many train hijackings back when he was with the O’Driscolls to feel comfortable being a passenger. Not to mention it brought back memories of the night he ran away from Clemens Point, so he got out as soon as the train stopped at Bacchus Station. 

Bran seemed just as anxious as him as he stepped out of the horse wagon, and Kieran regretted not having a treat for him to make it up to him for the uncomfortable trip. It was in that moment that Kieran remembered he had nothing at all, no money or food. 

He had spent it all that drunken night at the saloon. He felt like an idiot, but at least he didn’t allow himself to freak out like he did when he was in Strawberry. Those had been some pretty dark couple of days, and Kieran didn’t even remember how he had started spiraling down. But he sure as hell didn’t want to get so low again. His survival instincts were taking over once more, despite not being nearly done recovering from the trauma the whole situation had caused him. The only thing that had changed was that he was finally tired of his own helplessness. He was still scared and unsure of what to do, but he was determined not to let himself become a mess again, whether Arthur came back or not. He had done it before, he could do it again. 

Kieran brought Bran close to a trough so he could drink some water and rest while he looked around. The view was breathtaking from up there, and the sound of the waterfall behind him made him feel a type of calm he hadn’t experienced in days. It was all too beautiful, but he still paid close attention to where he was standing. The last thing he wanted to do was trip and fall off that cliff. He got chills just looking how high above the water he was. 

He walked back to the station, and he noticed it didn’t look like it was meant for regular passengers, there were no seats or places to put one's luggage. Instead there were boxes, crates, barrels and carts, one of them was currently being loaded with supplies. Kieran briefly considered stealing something from it, but he quickly dismissed the idea. He couldn’t afford to get into even more trouble. 

The thought of it made him ironically remember the man who had stolen from his own cart, all those weeks ago when he was shopping with Arthur in Rhodes. He felt guilty for having tried to kill the man, maybe the thief had been in a situation as difficult as Kieran’s right now. And maybe karma had decided Kieran’s fate from the moment he had threatened the poor bastard. It didn’t matter anymore, it was done. And if he was actually paying for that, it seemed to Kieran he had paid a really high price for it.

He mounted Bran and galloped in search for a spot to hunt and set up camp. He soon rode into the Grizzlies Forest, it was dense and beautiful, but if he knew something about forests it was that just as they held so much beauty and resources, they also hid plenty of dangers, so he proceeded with caution. But he was feeling positive, he thought he would survive alright there. Just on his first few minutes riding, he spotted several animals who could serve him as lunch. And it seemed like he was in luck because he found a trapper in the woods, who also worked as a merchant. That meant he could earn some money with whatever he caught and get more supplies. He promised himself he would get Bran a treat as soon as he could. 

Days went by and he adjusted so well he couldn’t help but think that something was wrong, maybe he was just being paranoid again. But even though he still had occasional nightmares and flashbacks, his mind was clearing off a little. He was more surprised by the fact that he could now manage to think of other stuff when he was resting, rather than constantly think of his rape. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt anymore, hell, he was certain it would never stop hurting, but he could at least function a little better now. Even with all the remaining fear and sadness. Maybe he had needed time, or maybe just some company. Bran had been an excellent companion for the last couple of days, and as Kieran cuddled close to him at night, he finally felt a little safe. He had always shared a special bond with horses, after all. 

Early one morning, Kieran had gotten up to go hunt as usual, he had spent several minutes tracking down a deer and had finally spotted the animal in a small clearing. He walked slowly, trying not to step on dry leaves or twigs in his way. That deer was his lunch, and its pelt, Kieran’s way to get some much-needed ammo, so he was careful not to alert it to his presence. He looked through the scope of the rifle and aimed for the neck. The deer was peacefully eating grass a long distance from him, but he knew he could do it. He just needed to take a deep breath and adjust his grip on the gun. He slowly let the air out and pulled the trigger on empty lungs. 

The deer cried out in pain and fell to the ground. Kieran let out a shaky breath and stood up, hanging the rifle back over his shoulder.

“You’re a pretty sharp shooter.” A voice suddenly said from behind. 

“Fuck!” Kieran gasped and turned around, clutching his heart as Arthur lifted his hands and looked at him with a guilty expression. “Please… stop doing that.”

“I’m sorry, I saw you were hunting so I tried to be quiet to not scare the deer away. Wasn’t trying to sneak up on you.”

“Sure.” Kieran panted slightly and turned around to look for the place where the deer fell. “I was starting to think you wouldn’t come back…”

“Yeah, I got a little busy. I’ll spare you the boring details.” Arthur said, sounding tired. “Need help with that?” He pointed to the dead deer.

“Uh, sure. My camp isn’t too far from here.” Kieran stepped aside and let Arthur lift and carry it on his shoulder. Kieran was glad for that, he doubted he could’ve carried it as easily as Arthur.

“That was a pretty good shot.” Arthur repeated. “I’m starting to wonder why we left you in charge of the horses and not made you one of our main gunmen.”

“Cause you never trusted me.” Kieran said flatly, making Arthur look away awkwardly. He was right, after all. 

“Uh… where did you learn to shoot like that anyway?” Arthur asked, trying to change the subject.

“I was in the army for a while, remember? But it didn’t work out.”

“Why not? If you don’t mind me asking.” Arthur adjusted his grip on the deer. He could see Kieran’s camp in the distance now. 

“It’s… uh…” Kieran sighed.

“Alright, then. Don’t tell me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s not… I…” Kieran bit his lip, then finally spoke again. “I was discharged… for something really stupid…”

“I doubt it was as stupid as Bill’s reason for being discharged, did you know he tried to kill another soldier there?” Arthur said with a chuckle.

“I fell in love.” Kieran said suddenly, with a sad tone as he stared straight ahead. Arthur’s eyes went wide. He had his suspicions, but this was probably the first time he had heard Kieran confirm his interest in men. 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah, I know….”

“N-no, I don’t think it’s stupid. Just… unexpected.” Arthur waited for Kieran to say something else, so when he stayed in silence, Arthur tried to ask another question. “They… they didn’t hurt you for it, did they?”

“No. Thank god. I know it could’ve gone a lot worse. I guess my Sergeant didn't hate me as much as he said he did.”

“Your.. .Sergeant?”

“Mhm. I told you it was stupid. But I… I mean, he was always so… nice… it really felt like he treated me differently, like he knew how I felt too. But I guess I’m just an idiot that doesn’t know how to handle being treated nice. Anyway, I read the signs wrong, I told him, and next thing I knew he was yelling at me, then I was reported and discharged within a couple of hours.” Kieran finished with a shrug, though his expression didn’t seem as uncaring as he tried to make himself look.

“Jesus. I’m really sorry.” Arthur mumbled. He didn’t know what else to say. He felt really bad for the poor guy, up until now Arthur thought himself the saddest man he had ever known, but maybe Kieran could take that title from him. 

“It’s fine. That didn’t happen yesterday so…” Kieran petted Bran as they walked into his little camp, he gave him a carrot and turned to Arthur. “Uh, you can put that there. I’ll skin it.”

Arthur dropped the dead deer where Kieran pointed, then sat by the fire as he watched Kieran pull out his knife and cut a straight line along its belly. 

“I never… uh, dated a man myself.” Arthur said, not exactly knowing why. “But plenty of them have broken my heart too…”

“You have one?” Kieran said with a little smirk, it caught Arthur off guard and he let out a laugh. 

“Shut up. See? You’re as cruel as them.”

“I bet you’re just awful talking to them, judging by how aggressive you come off sometimes.” 

“I know…” Arthur stopped chuckling and scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t mean to, I’m just… I feel angry sometimes, and I don’t know why most of the time.”

“It’s ok. We all got our problems.” Kieran shrugged again and started cutting chunks of meat off the deer’s body.

“Yeah? What’s yours…?” Arthur asked carefully. 

“Right now? I’m hungry.” 

—————————————————————————————————————

After having lunch and making another visit to the trapper, Kieran and Arthur were ready to continue their trip to the cabin in Moonstone Pond. They rode at a slow pace, neither of them seemed to be in a hurry to get there, so they took their time to just relax and enjoy the trip. Arthur seemed a little less chatty this time, well, less chatty for him, and even if he smiled and engaged with him, Kieran noticed he seemed really tired. He knew how that felt and he was worried about Arthur.

“You must’ve been real busy these past few days.” Kieran commented after watching Arthur yawn for the fifth time. 

”Huh? Uh, yeah. Sorry for not being able to come sooner.”

“It’s ok, that’s not why I’m pointing it out. Are you alright?”

“Sure.” Arthur shrugged, then there was silence. “Uh… maybe, I guess I'm tired.”

“We can stop if you want. It’ll get dark soon anyway.” 

Arthur wanted to shake his head and make them continue riding, but he couldn’t keep hiding with how exhausted he felt. He really needed to get some sleep or else he would fall asleep in his saddle. In any case, riding while sleepy was dangerous for the two of them. He needed to stay alert, in case of danger, so he accepted Kieran’s offer and they both looked for a place to set up a camp.

“Did you find your money, by the way?” Kieran asked curiously as he extended his bedroll on the ground next to the fire. He had been thinking about that a lot, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t worried about Arthur and his family. So many people were after them, and that money was probably their only chance of disappearing for good.

“No.” Arthur answered sadly. “I got nothing on Micah either. I looked through his shit at least five times and got nothing. But uh, at least I found plenty of things to do to get more money. With everyone working, we might recover what we lost in a couple of weeks.”

“Oh. But you haven’t gotten much rest because of it, have you?” 

Arthur smiled tiredly. “Yeah, not a lot. But, well, I just have to do it.”

”Get some sleep. I’ll keep guard until the morning.” Kieran said, despite feeling tired himself.

“Until the morning? What about you? Do you really want to stay up all night?” Arthur raised an eyebrow at him.

“I have trouble falling asleep, so even if I wanted to rest, I might not be able to do it. So go ahead, don’t worry about me.” Kieran reassured him. He was trying to care for Arthur as much as he was trying to avoid sleeping near him. He didn’t want to risk having another nightmare with Arthur around. 

Arthur gave him a dubious look, but he finally laid down in his own bedroll. “You wake me up if anything happens, ya hear?”

“Sure.”

Arthur took his hat off and closed his eyes. A couple of minutes passed, and he started snoring softly. Kieran sighed and tried not to think of how tired he felt. Instead, he did what he said he would, he stared into the darkness of the Grizzlies Forest, trying to spot any potential threats, but after several uneventful minutes, he allowed himself to glance at Arthur.

Kieran was glad he was there with him, he would be lying if he said he hadn’t missed him since they parted ways back in Wallace Station. It was nice, feeling like he had a friend again, and Arthur seemed to really care about him… or that’s what he wanted to believe. Why else would he be going out of his way to help him? He wanted to repay Arthur for all that, but Kieran found himself clueless as to what to do.

Then, he thought about Arthur’s failed attempt at investigating Micah. Kieran purposely tried to avoid thinking of that awful piece of shit as much as he could, but if it meant helping Arthur, he was willing to hurt himself a little by trying to remember what his last days around his rapist were like. Surprisingly, a lot of things from that time were a blur. It was strange how for several minutes he could only remember the main traumatic experience and not a lot about everything else that led to it. 

But finally, he remembered why he had been in Radley’s Pasture that night, and what he was doing right before Micah raped him. He wished he hadn’t remembered, because now everything made sense, and he felt so guilty and horrible because of it. All this time… it seemed like he had actually stolen Arthur’s money after all. It had to be. That money Micah made him take for him, it had to be the gang’s. 

“Fuck.” 

Kieran ran a hand down his face. He was shaking, and he could do nothing to slow down his racing heart. Damn Micah. He just kept fucking him over even after all that time. The only friend Kieran had, and Micah made him steal from him. How was he supposed to tell Arthur that? Would he believe him if he told him he didn’t know who’s money it was? Oh god, Arthur would kill him on the spot. If he was lucky, that is.

Kieran felt nauseous, and he started crying before he could do anything about it. He hugged his knees and tried his hardest to stop himself from sobbing, but he felt heartbroken yet again. A couple of small whimpers came out of him as he realized what he had done and, unbeknowst to him, they had been loud enough to wake Arthur up.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> I’m really sorry for having missed last week’s update, I have just been really busy and I made some changes to my notes on this fic so I had to go and make sure everything fit and made sense again. I really didn’t mean to make you wait this long, especially for this chapter. But here it is! And it’s the longest chapter so far, I hope you don’t get bored haha. 
> 
> Thank you so much again for all your support, it encourages me a lot to continue updating!

Arthur was confused by the sight in front of him. Kieran was sitting there, crying in silence, or trying to, he was really struggling to hold back a few sobs. Arthur didn’t move, he just laid there, watching Kieran’s shaking form from behind. He had known for a while that something was wrong with Kieran. Some hints had been subtle, others not so much, but he had noticed, and he just grew more concerned each time he saw more indications of his deteriorated emotional state. There was no point in denying anymore he cared about him. 

But Arthur still couldn’t move, and he couldn’t say anything. Or more like he didn’t know what to say. He was scared of confronting Kieran, causing him to push Arthur away like he usually did. He wasn’t the best at talking to people and it was so easy to upset Kieran these days.

He was aware that there was a big chance that this time wouldn’t be different, but Arthur knew he couldn’t let Kieran continue crying alone like that. So despite all his fears and doubts, he took a deep breath and talked to him. 

“What’s wrong?” Arthur asked softly.

Kieran jumped at the sudden sound of his voice, he looked over his shoulder for a second and then started frantically wiping his face. 

“Uh, s-sorry. It’s nothing.” Kieran answered. Arthur sighed, then moved closer and sat next to Kieran by the fire. “It’s really nothing.” Kieran insisted, even though Arthur could clearly see more tears pouring from his eyes.

“We both know that’s a lie.” Kieran still didn’t say anything. “What do you think will happen if you tell me what’s wrong?” 

Kieran tensed and stared directly into the fire. Arthur tried to look at him but Kieran avoided his gaze. He had very little hopes of getting anything out of him, so he was surprised when Kieran mumbled something.

“What’s that?” Arthur leaned a little closer.

“You’ll kill me…” Kieran repeated, his voice breaking as he did.

Arthur shook his head. “You would have to have done something really bad for me to do that.”

Kieran hid his head behind his knees and sobbed. Shit. Arthur opened his mouth to say something but then shut it, he needed to think better before speaking or he would end up ruining what little progress he was making. 

“I don’t think you did, whatever it is.” Arthur said finally, not knowing if it would really help but he at least hoped it would calm him down. But Kieran just kept crying and Arthur was running out of ideas. “Did you mean to do it? The thing you’re worried about?”

Kieran shook his head and struggled to hold back another sob.

“I… I had no idea. I never would’ve…”

“I believe you.” Arthur said without hesitation. Kieran finally looked up at him, the light of the fire was reflecting on the trails of tears on his cheeks and Arthur felt a sudden urge to wipe those away with his thumb. 

“Y-you still don’t… you don’t know…” Kieran blinked confused. 

“You’re not a bad person. It’s just not in you to cause harm for no reason.” Arthur explained. “That’s what I believe.”

Kieran stared into his eyes trying to find any sign that would tell him Arthur was lying, but Arthur held his gaze confidently and Kieran could see, or at least wanted to believe, that Arthur was willing to allow him to explain himself. 

“If you do decide to kill me… c-could you just do it quickly?” Kieran asked with a shaky voice. 

“Kieran I’m not going to kill you. Especially not after everything I’ve done to keep you alive.” Arthur reassured him, holding back the urge to pat his shoulder. 

“You might change your mind.”

“I won’t.” Arthur insisted, then patiently waited and for Kieran to start talking but he still seemed very hesitant, or like he was trying to figure out the best way to explain himself. Arthur decided to give him some time and started making some coffee. He had a feeling it would be a long night and he would need it. He offered Kieran a cup, which he accepted with a shaky hand.

Kieran was glad for those few minutes of calm, he took a few sips of his hot drink and prepared to say the words that he was sure would ruin his friendship with Arthur, and his own life… 

“I… I… accidentally stole the gang’s money.” Kieran finally admitted.

There was silence between the two of them for a couple of seconds and Kieran felt another wave of nausea as he felt his doom approaching. 

“Accidentally?” Arthur asked.

“I had no idea it was yours. I swear. I never would’ve even dared to think of stealing from you had I known.” Kieran insisted.

“How…? Why…?”

Kieran felt his hands start shaking harder and more tears coming from his eyes. He was so scared, but he had said a lot already. He had no choice but to tell Arthur everything. 

“Micah forced me to do a job for him. Every once in a while he sent me to steal money from an old box in an abandoned church, he said it was other bandits’ money.” Kieran explained. “But even though I did everything he wanted he was still hurting me, and it got worse everyday. I didn’t want to do it anymore… so he beat me up and cut my face open. T-that’s why I ran away.” Kieran lied, the important thing was the money theft, Kieran thought. There was no reason why Arthur should know why he had really ran away. “I’m so sorry. I hadn’t even realized it was your money until a few minutes ago. I just tried so hard to forget everything I-“

“That fucking…. “ Arthur grumbled.

“I’m so sorry.” Kieran repeated, the hand with which he was holding his cup was shaking so much he almost spilled the drink, but Arthur reached out and held it still.

“It’s ok.”

“Y-you’re not mad?” Kieran asked confused. 

“Oh I am. I’m fucking furious. But not at you, It makes so much sense that he would use you for such a thing.” Kieran felt a shiver run down his spine at Arthur’s choice of words, but he concealed it as best as he could. “Do you know where the money is?”

“Somewhere in Radley’s Pasture, can’t remember exactly where but there was a hole in the ground and a box in there where he used to make me put the money.” Kieran sniffled as he watched Arthur sigh and run a hand down his face. “Are you going to kill me?”

“No.” Arthur said and Kieran sobbed again as he felt immense relief, as well as guilt. He didn’t understand how Arthur could forgive him after that. Kieran was glad he did, but he wasn’t sure he deserved it.

“Thank you…” Kieran managed to say through his tears, then covered his face. A few seconds later he felt something tap his arm and he looked up to find Arthur sitting a little closer and opening his arms to him.

“Come here, it’s ok.” 

Kieran blinked confused for a moment, but surprisingly, he leaned in and let Arthur wrap his arms around him. He trusted Arthur. He really did now, after everything he’d done for him, and after forgiving him for what he did. Before he knew it, he was hugging Arthur back.

Arthur’s hug was different from Oliver’s or Marcus’, it was more intimate somehow. The way he held him tightly made Kieran feel safe but also warm inside, like that was a hug reserved for special people. Kieran didn’t know if he was worthy of it, but he sure enjoyed it, especially the smell of Arthur’s cologne. He had grown so familiar with it ever since he had been wearing his clothes, it had been comforting because it reminded him of Arthur during all those days he was alone and now, with his face pressed close to Arthur’s chest, Kieran felt like he was truly going to be ok. 

The hug made him feel so good Kieran almost complained when it ended, but as soon as Arthur let go of him, he was overcome with embarrassment. And it seemed like Arthur felt the same way, judging by the way he looked away and cleared his throat. 

“You uh… you feel better?” Arthur asked.

“Yes. Thank you…” Kieran wiped his cheek with his sleeve and cleared his throat too. “I… I’ll continue watching the camp. Sorry for waking you up.” 

“Sure.” Arthur nodded. “But wake me up again if anything else happens, ok?” 

Kieran could only nod with his face turned away. He didn’t trust himself to look at Arthur without blushing.

—————————————————————

It was easier, far from perfect but it was so much easier talking to Kieran now that Arthur knew the truth about what had happened. It was like it had taken a weight off Kieran’s shoulders, and he was much more relaxed around him, even if there were still some signs present of the abuse Micah had put him through. Arthur often wondered how badly had he treated the poor boy those last few days to make him flinch every time he touched him without warning. 

Kieran would always look away and apologize, which made Arthur feel even worse since he had been the one to frighten him. But despite the little scares he caused him, Kieran didn’t seem upset by Arthur’s touch, and in fact, it seemed like he was reaching for him more often too. They were small gestures, like little taps on Arthur’s shoulder, or light tugs on his shirt to get his attention. Arthur was just surprised that Kieran did them at all when he used to stand a meter away from him at all times. It was nice, and he honestly found it adorable. But he liked it the most because he knew it meant Kieran trusted him.

“So how have you been getting along with, uh Bren? Was it Bren?.” Arthur asked as they rode slowly down the mountains.

“Bran.” Kieran corrected, then petted the horse’s neck. “He’s been really nice to me, I think we’re friends.” Kieran smiled. “Thanks again for getting it for me.” Kieran mumbled.

“Sure. You were going to need a horse for the long trip anyway. Not that I wasn’t willing to share a saddle, but you know how uncomfortable that can get.”

“Yeah…” Kieran tightened his grip on the reins then shook his head as if trying to forget something. “So… Moonstone Pond, you really think I could live there?” 

“I hope so. Last time I checked the cabin seemed a little worn down, but not too bad. I just hope you can stop wandering around.”

“Me too…” Kieran sighed then went silent for a few seconds. “Will you stop coming if I stay there?” Kieran asked shyly after a moment. He was a little scared of hearing Arthur’s answer but he wanted to know.

“Oh, uh, I don’t know...” Arthur said with uncertainty. “Do you want me to?”

“No. But I would understand if you did. It’s just I don’t have any other friends nearby so…” Kieran shrugged his shoulders, he didn’t want to make it evident how much he didn’t want Arthur to stop visiting him. He didn’t want to seem too dependent on him.

“Yeah, It might be risky.” Kieran bit his lip and nodded in defeat. “But I could come up with something. We’ll see.”

“You would?” He asked hopeful. 

“Sure. I’d like to make sure the bears didn’t eat you, after all.” Arthur said with a smirk.

“Oh god, here too?” Kieran groaned.

“Well, we’re in the mountains and surrounded by forest. What did you expect to find here, dolphins?”

“Shut up.” Kieran squinted at him, making Arthur chuckle. Kieran couldn’t help but smile. There was another moment of silence before Kieran spoke again. “Thank you, Arthur. For everything.”

“Hm, don’t thank me yet. You ain’t seen that cabin yet.”

“Well, for everything you’ve already done.”

“Sure. Just don’t go crazy again once I leave you alone. Don’t want to find you drunk off your ass on the ground again. What was that about anyway?” 

Kieran sighed and looked away. “I wasn’t feeling so well.” Kieran explained. He expected Arthur to ask more but to his relief, he just nodded and they rode in comfortable silence for a while. 

The Moonstone Pond was relatively close from where they were camping, so it only took them a couple of hours to get there. Arthur had hoped badly that this time they would find a decent place for Kieran, he didn’t want to make him go through another disappointment, but not a lot of good things happened to men like them, and this time wasn’t an exception.

The beautiful stone cabin he had found a while ago was now crushed under a huge tree that had fell on its side. Most of the roof was gone, and the door was stuck, probably sealed by the debris inside. 

“Shit…” Arthur sighed in defeat and rubbed his eyes. “This wasn’t…. I swear last time I was here this…” Arthur frowned. “I’ll find a new place, just let me think.”

“Arthur it’s ok.” Kieran said, touching his arm.

“No, I won’t let you wander alone like that. Just give me a minute.”

“I’ll be fine, I know how to survive like this.” Kieran insisted, but Arthur just pulled out a map out of his bag and started inspecting it. Kieran sighed and approached the cabin. It was pretty, and he couldn’t deny he would’ve liked to be able to call it his home, it would’ve made a peaceful place to rest and hide away from everything. 

He walked around the building, trying to imagine what it looked like before it got crushed, and what it looked like on the inside.

“How about Emerald Ranch? I doubt anyone will recognize you there, maybe you could ask for work at the stables.” Arthur said out loud, still staring at his map. When he got no answer he turned around quickly, looking for Kieran. “Kieran?” 

“In here.” Kieran called, from inside the cabin. Arthur blinked in surprise and tried to open the door again, it was still stuck. “Through the hole in the roof.” Kieran explained.

“What are you doing in there? It doesn’t look safe, the rest of the roof might collapse.” Arthur called.

“Just looking around.” 

There wasn’t much left, just old and deteriorated furniture, but Kieran decided to check the drawers of a small nightstand just in case. Turned out it was a good decision, and he couldn’t help but gasp at the sight of what he found inside.

“What is it?” Arthur asked.

A few seconds later, Kieran climbed back out the cabin, panting a little as he landed next to Arthur. He reached in his bag and pulled out a pouch filled with jewels and all kinds of valuable trinkets. Arthur smiled, staring down at the pouch and then at Kieran.

“Shit, well looks like this wasn’t all a waste of time. You’ll get good money for all that.” But Kieran didn’t smile back, he stared at the pouch and extend it to Arthur. “What are you-?”

“It might not be as much as what you had…. but I hope it helps somehow.” Kieran said shyly.

“No. You found it, it’s yours.” Arthur placed his hand on the pouch, his fingers brushing up against Kieran’s, and he slightly pushed it towards him. “I already forgave you for that, you don’t have to do this.”

“Then let me because I want to help you too.” Kieran insisted. Arthur felt surprised and a little flustered, but he looked away to try to hide it. 

“Kieran, that’s… that’s really nice of you. But you need this more than me, we’ll manage.” 

“Please take it.” Kieran begged, and his tone was enough for Arthur to give in, even if he didn’t want to take it away from Kieran. Maybe he would find a way to give him the money back later. 

“I just disappointed you with the cabin and now I’m taking all your money, I’m starting to feel real useless here.” Arthur sighed and put the pouch in his bag.

“You’re far from useless, you have no idea how much just having your company has helped me…”

“I’m not sure I’m the best company, but I appreciate that.” Arthur smiled.

“Besides, at least the pond is here. We haven’t fished together in a while...” Kieran shyly suggested, getting an even bigger smile from Arthur.

“That we haven’t. Fine. I’ll even let you use my special bait if you don’t lose it like last time.” Arthur joked as he pulled out his fishing rod.

“That wasn’t my fault, it was that alligator.” Kieran frowned adorably as he sat on a rock. Arthur just smiled and handed him the bait anyway.

Time went by fast, just like it did when they used to fish together back in Lemoyne. Sitting together, sharing stories and talking about whatever crossed their minds, it allowed them to forget for a moment about everything else. About all their worries and all their problems. They could just enjoy the evening and each other’s company.

By the time it started to get dark, they had caught enough fish to keep their bellies full, so Arthur started a fire and worked on cooking their dinner while Kieran brought their bedrolls out and laid them on the ground. 

Kieran sat at the other side of their campfire and hugged his knees as he watched Arthur cook. There wasn’t much else to do, except maybe gaze into the darkness around him. But he really didn’t want to do that. He was so glad to be with someone else. Being alone at night in the woods always made him feel so uneasy. 

Plus, watching Arthur was much better than wondering what was out there. Kieran couldn’t deny Arthur was very handsome, he had always thought he was, even if his attitude sometimes made him a little less attractive. But right now he not only looked handsome, but also warm and he reminded Kieran of feeling safe and calm. Thankfully for Kieran, Arthur didn’t seem to notice his staring. If Arthur wasn’t looking at the frying pan he was scribbling into his journal. Kieran wondered what he was drawing, or writing… and he was tempted to ask but he feared appearing nosy so he just kept studying the way the light of the fire reflected on Arthur’s face. 

But it seemed like Arthur had been paying attention to him after all, especially to the way Kieran had been shivering ever since the sun had gone down. 

“You look really cold. Why don’t you come sit here?” Arthur suggested, pointing to the empty space next to him.

“Oh… uh, you don’t mind?” 

“Don’t see why would I.”

Kieran hesitated for a moment but he stood up and sat down next to Arthur, still keeping a bit of distance out of politeness and not exactly discomfort. Arthur noticed it and smiled.

“The point is to be close to stay warm, but it’s fine if you want to stay there.”

“I don’t want to disturb you while you uh.” Now that Kieran was close enough he could see Arthur was nearly done sketching the destroyed cabin. “draw.”

“I’m almost done anyway.” Arthur said as he closed his journal and put it away. “You want a drink? It might help too. Just be careful.” Arthur pulled out a bottle of whiskey and offered it to Kieran.

“I’m not a lightweight, you know? But I won’t drink much anyway, I learned my lesson.” Kieran scooted just a little closer and took the bottle from Arthur’s hand.

“That must’ve been one hell of a night.” 

“Not really. But I don’t feel like talking about it.” Kieran took a swig and handed the bottle back. “How about you tell me about all those men that broke your supposedly existent heart?” Kieran teased.

“That joke is getting old.” Arthur chuckled and drank some whiskey. “Plus, those stories are all sad and dumb, you really want to hear them?”

“Sure.” Kieran smiled. “Maybe I’ll understand why you are so grumpy.” 

Arthur laughed and leaned back as he tried to figure out where to start. Kieran too got comfortable and took a couple more sips of whiskey as he listened to the story of Arthur’s first crush, a boy named Billy with curly blonde hair and an even worse temper than Arthur’s. Arthur chuckled at the memory of their plans of running away together to form their own little gang, kind of like Dutch and Hosea, but those plans ended abruptly when Arthur decided to confess he saw in Billy something more than a partner in crime. 

Then after him, there were others. Some of them liked Arthur back but never accepted their feelings for him or couldn’t be with him for different reasons. And after that, Arthur had just resigned himself to never truly find anyone who’d stay.

“And I thought my army story was sad…” Kieran slurred, now that he was tipsy he was also becoming unfiltered. Luckily for him, Arthur found it amusing, but just as a precaution he took the bottle away from him.

“Yeah. I guess love is not something meant for outlaws. Or at least for most of us, we can’t all be as lucky as Dutch and Hosea.”

“And… those past loves, you never saw any of them again?” Kieran rubbed his arms and scooted even closer to Arthur, his arm brushing up against his. Arthur smiled for a second then continued talking.

“Well, no. Never again. It’s hard to find people again when you are constantly on the run.”

Kieran hummed in response and stared straight ahead with a sad or tired expression, Arthur couldn’t figure out which one it was. Kieran didn’t say anything else for a while and then Arthur felt him lay his head on his shoulder. It seemed like the alcohol and the late hour were making Kieran sleepy.

Several minutes passed like that, Arthur didn’t dare to move. He had assumed Kieran had fallen asleep and he was going to lay him down in his bedroll, but he stayed still for a bit more, wanting to make the moment last a little longer. 

But instead of being peaceful and asleep, Kieran’s mind was a mess. There was no doubt he liked Arthur. He had liked him way before everything had gone to shit, ever since they started going on those little fishing trips. Maybe the crush ended for a bit after he ran away and Arthur went after him to kill him, but ever since Arthur had decided to help him stay safe, Kieran felt attracted to him again.

Being with Arthur made him feel at home, safe and happy. He was terrified of that because he knew exactly what that meant, he had fallen for him. And now Arthur’s stories had reminded Kieran of their inevitable separation, that combined with the alcohol made it almost impossible to hide his true feelings.

He hadn’t even thought it was possible to fall in love after what Micah had done to him. Things like trust and love were feelings he thought he would never get have again, but Arthur had showed him otherwise. Now he was a helpless fool in love with someone who would never want him, and who was eventually going to leave the damn country. Kieran could barely hold himself together and it was even harder not to say his thoughts out loud… so he did. 

“I don’t want you to go…” Kieran said, struggling not to get choked up. Arthur blinked in surprise but tried not to think much of it. He figured maybe it was the alcohol making Kieran act a bit emotional.

“I’m here Kieran. I still need to find you another place, i’m not leaving.” Arthur tried to comfort him. 

“That’s not what I meant.” This time Kieran’s voice broke and it left Arthur speechless for a few seconds as he processed what Kieran was trying to say. The way Arthur stared at him with surprise and confusion, made Kieran quickly move away from Arthur and try to stand up. “Sorry, j-just forget that…” 

“No, wait. I-“

“It’s ok. It’s nothing.” 

Kieran ignored him and tried to get up and leave, but he stopped as he felt Arthur’s hand holding his tightly. It was rough and calloused, and so warm, it made Kieran feel his face heat up and he couldn’t dare to look at him.

“I… I don’t want to go either.” Arthur said quietly. “I like being with you…”

Kieran’s eyes went wide, but he immediately doubted what his own hears had just heard. This was Arthur Morgan after all, the grumpiest cowboy he had ever met, who had had so little tolerance or acceptance for him for the first few weeks he had been with the gang. The fact that they were friends now still seemed like a miracle to Kieran, so hearing those words left him baffled. 

“Really?” Kieran asked timidly, facing away but still holding his hand. “‘Maybe you’re just here out of guilt...”

“You couldn’t be more wrong.” Arthur answered, squeezing Kieran’s hand a little.

“I just… I don’t understand. I can’t even stand myself sometimes, how could you like being with me?” 

Arthur sighed in frustration, which made Kieran think he had said the wrong thing. He expected Arthur to be mad and say something mean so he was puzzled when out of nowhere, Arthur made him look at him as he cupped his face with his hands, Kieran stared at him with wide eyes for a second before Arthur pulled him close and kissed him just like he had wanted to for what had felt like an eternity.


	18. Chapter 18

Surprisingly, it was Arthur who pulled away first. 

He was surprised he had even managed to kiss Kieran, not only because of his own nerves, but also because he had expected Kieran to push him away. It didn’t seem like physical contact was his favorite thing after all, and Arthur knew he had taken a huge risk, but he didn’t regret it. He was just worried by Kieran’s lack of reaction. Kieran seemed almost frozen. Arthur hoped it wasn’t out of fear. 

“Please say something, you’re worrying me.” Arthur mumbled, letting go of Kieran’s cheeks. Kieran blinked slowly, looking at Arthur with flushed cheeks and his mouth hanging open. He licked his lips and tried to say something, but he had never felt such difficulty forming words. 

“You… kissed me.” Kieran slurred. Frowning in confusion, as if he couldn’t believe it had happened. 

“Well, yeah…”

“...Why?”

Arthur rolled his eyes and folded his arms. Looking away with a frown and rosy cheeks. “Do I have to spell it out?” Arthur grumbled, without any real anger. He was just a bit frustrated and embarrassed. He had always been shy when it came to romantic feelings. Especially his own. “I like you.” 

Kieran was speechless again. Arthur should have expected it and he knew he should probably be more empathetic, but it still frustrated him not knowing what was going on through Kieran’s head. He had been the one to hint that he liked Arthur in the first place, so why was he acting so surprised and confused?

“Did I misinterpret what you said or something?” Arthur asked, desperately trying to get something out of Kieran. “Cause if that’s the case, just forget this hap-“

In a second, Kieran was hugging him, holding so tightly Arthur struggled to breathe, but he was too surprised to care about that. Kieran hid his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck.

“I like you too.”

“I… w-well. I’m glad.” Arthur said awkwardly, with a smile of relief. He finally felt at ease, getting to hold Kieran like that after weeks of pining for him.

But something wasn’t right, and Arthur confirmed it when he heard a weak sniffle next to his ear. He gently pushed Kieran away to look at him and cupped his cheek with his hand. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s… I… I...” Kieran tried to explain, but he ended up choking on his words. There were so many emotions hitting him at once, but he was happy, despite his tears. If only he could stop crying and tell Arthur… 

Arthur noticed Kieran’s struggle to say what he felt. He was too emotional, a bit drunk, and probably tired and stressed from the day of travel, so instead of pushing him for answers, Arthur kissed his forehead and wrapped his arm around his shoulders as he guided him to his bed roll.

“Hey, it’s ok. How about you get some rest and we talk in the morning? I’ll be right there when you’re ready.” 

Kieran sat on his bedroll, hiccuping and shaking his head. “N-no… I don’t want to sleep.” He managed to say.

“Why not? You stayed up last time, I'll watch the camp. Don’t worry.” Arthur crouched next to him and covered him with an extra blanket as Kieran reluctantly laid down. “I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep if you want.”

Kieran looked up at him and nodded hesitantly. He was scared of having another nightmare with Arthur around, but he really didn’t want him to leave. He figured he would run the risk. Arthur then touched his injured cheek and Kieran couldn’t help but lean into it, like a touch-starved puppy. He was embarrassed by how needy he must’ve looked, but he never knew how much he needed the comfort of a soft touch like that. In addition, Arthur ran his fingers through Kieran’s hair, and that was enough to get him to stop hiccuping and finally relax. It wasn’t long before his eyelids were closing. 

For the first time in months, Kieran slept peacefully throughout the night. 

—————————————————————

Kieran woke up slowly, feeling warm and a bit groggy. He stretched under the covers and finally opened his eyes. A few steps away from him, Arthur was leaning over his map, inspecting it closely and most likely trying to remember a good place to take Kieran to. By the frustrated look on his face, it didn’t seem like he was having any success.

Kieran then thought of the previous night. Though it was a bit of a blur, he did remember Arthur kissing him. But he regretted not remembering what it had been like, it had been so quick and unexpected. A kiss from Arthur was something he wanted to imprint in his memory forever, and seeing as Arthur was looking for a new place to drop him off at, Kieran feared there wouldn’t be any more chances of getting another one.

Maybe he was staring too hard, because Arthur looked up from his map and stood up, approaching Kieran with a sandwich and some water.

“Hey. Did you sleep well?” Arthur asked casually, handing Kieran the food. Kieran immediately chugged the water, his mouth felt too dry.

“Yeah… thanks.” Kieran mumbled and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”

“It’s still somewhat early, we can stay here for a bit more. I’m still, uh… planning anyway.”

“Oh. Sure.” Kieran looked down. He could feel Arthur’s eyes on him, and he could sense too how he was hesitating to say something. Thankfully, he didn’t have to ask him about it. 

“You uh… you remember last night, right?”

Had he been more drunk, Kieran maybe would’ve gotten a panic attack at hearing those words. But thankfully, his memory was still fresh enough, and his only reaction to Arthur’s question was a deep blush. He stared harder into the ground, nodding after a few seconds. 

“I do.”

“I’m sorry.” Arthur said immediately after, making Kieran look up at him with worry in his eyes. He wasn’t repenting, was he?

“What for?” 

“For… doing that when you were drunk. Sure, maybe you weren’t completely out of it, but I can’t help but feel like maybe I took advantage or something.” Kieran raised an eyebrow at him, causing Arthur to continue nervously rambling. “I just didn’t want you to feel I didn’t-“

“Arthur, you just kissed me.” Kieran said shyly.

“I know. But still. I’m sorry.” Arthur said honestly. Kieran couldn’t help but smile a little at that.

“Well, I don’t mind. But you saying that means a lot to me.” Kieran said as he placed his hand over Arthur’s. “You have no idea how much.”

“Mhm.” Arthur smiled at him and then cleared his throat awkwardly. “I was going to say maybe we should talk more about… this, but I don’t want to make you jump straight into the heavy stuff right after waking up. So how about we have some coffee first? 

“Sure, I’d like that.” Kieran smiled. Arthur smiled back and started to stand up. 

As it turned out, Arthur had been waiting for him to wake up to eat breakfast. They sat around the fire, drinking coffee and eating while Arthur told Kieran stories of how he and John used to drive Hosea and Dutch crazy when they were younger. Kieran was glad for the momentary change in subject, he liked having some time to think of his own feelings before diving into the inevitable conversation, so by the time Arthur brought the subject up, he wasn’t as anxious as he thought he would be.

Despite everything, Kieran had still some doubts about whether Arthur really did feel that way about him. He was so insecure before, and with what happened with Micah, he had labeled himself as someone unlovable and disgusting. His low self esteem and skepticism had been the main reasons for his tears the previous night, so Arthur made sure to reassure him that he wasn’t lying, and that he had in fact started to develop a crush on him around the same time Kieran did, back when they were in camp.

They weren’t sure what to call what they had, Arthur didn’t want to pressure Kieran to be in a relationship when he was clearly still dealing with a lot of things, and Kieran agreed he didn’t feel ready for it. Still, Arthur granted Kieran permission to call him his ‘whatever you want’, except for ridiculous nicknames like the ones Dutch and Hosea occasionally gave each other. Kieran tried to call Arthur one of those for the hell of it and he got a hilarious side eye from Arthur, but he eventually broke into a smile. 

After that, it came the inevitable subject of what they were going to do, considering Arthur was with the gang, which was planning on leaving, and Kieran out there hiding from them. Their shoulders sagged as they thought about it, and it was hard not to see they both wondered for a moment if there was any point in continuing what they had when it seemed like it would eventually end. At least, they were willing to try for the time being.

“We could continue to meet in secret…” Kieran suggested after a long silence.

“For now I guess, but still, I probably couldn’t do it as often as I'd like to. And even me being here right now might be putting you in danger. Dutch seems to already suspect me, who knows if he’s sending people to follow me.”

“Shit. He suspects you?”

“So it seems, last time I was in camp he got a bit weird. I told him I hadn’t found any traces of you, but he didn’t seem to buy it.”

Kieran bit his lip. He felt guilty about that, the last thing he wanted was to make Dutch turn on Arthur because of him. Maybe that was all the knowledge he needed to make up his mind about whether trying or giving up on them, as much as it broke his heart.

“You’re risking too much…” Kieran mumbled.

“What? No, don’t worry about me. It’s you who’s really in danger here if they find out.”

“Wouldn’t you be seen as a traitor?” Kieran asked. Arthur swallowed. He knew the answer to that question, but he refused to acknowledge it. “I don’t think this is worth becoming enemies with your own family, I’m not worth that.” 

“You’re worth so much.” Arthur held his hands, running his thumbs over Kieran’s knuckles. “It doesn’t have to come to that, we can-“

“I don’t want to if there’s a chance that will happen.” Kieran said quietly as he stared into Arthur’s sad eyes.

Arthur let go of Kieran’s hands and rubbed his face as he let out a frustrated sigh. Kieran felt a wave of guilt as he realized he had probably broken his heart yet again, like all those past loves had. But Arthur wasn’t going to let it go so easily.

“Just listen, I think I have a plan.” Arthur said, then paused and rubbed his face again. “Oh god, I’m starting to sound like Dutch…” 

Kieran snorted at that, and it helped break the tension. Arthur looked at him with a tired smile and chuckled. 

“Just hope it’s an actual plan.” Kieran teased.

“Hey, it must be hard coming up with plans immediately after things go wrong. He does what he can.” 

“Sure.” Kieran smiled. “So what did you have in mind?”

Arthur cleared his throat and went back to a serious expression, it gave Kieran a bad feeling, but he wanted to hear what he had to say anyway. 

“Look, I uh… I’ve been thinking, and I was actually going to suggest this before all this… happened.” Arthur vaguely gestured between them. “Maybe you could come back to the gang.”

Kieran visibly tensed and he looked at Arthur like he was crazy.

“No, no, just listen. I could go there first to talk to Dutch and Hosea, then everyone else. I’m sure the others and especially Dutch, will forgive you if we explain the situation…” Arthur said carefully. “You know, that you left because Micah was abusing you… we can leave out the whole accidental money theft.”

“No.” Kieran answered in a strained voice.

“Hang on, I’m not done yet-“

“I can’t go back, and I don’t want to talk about this.” Kieran shook his head. 

“I know it’s Micah you’re worried about, but I would not even let him look at you. And it’s not like I’d just let him get away with it, If Dutch doesn’t kick him out after hearing about him hurting you, I’d still look for a way to expose him for the money thing so I can finally kill that son of a bitch.”

“I’m not going back! I can’t!” Kieran yelled, frowning and folding his arms. 

“I don’t want to leave you behind!” 

“I don’t want to be around Micah!” 

“Kieran…” 

“It won’t work!” Kieran insisted, his voice coming dangerously close to breaking. “You can’t be there every minute, he’ll be watching me and waiting. I won’t even be able to fucking sleep just knowing we’re in the same space.”

“You can sleep in my tent, Lenny and Charles would gladly help me keep you safe when I’m not around.”

“No!” Kieran stood up and turned his back on Arthur. He folded his arms and hoped his reaction was enough to keep Arthur from insisting. Thankfully, it was. Arthur stood up too, and hesitantly touched Kieran’s shoulder.

“Kieran…”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

“I know. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Kieran didn’t say anything, or turn around. “Forget about it, ok? We can try Emerald Ranch.” Arthur said with a sigh. “How about that?”

Kieran turned around slowly and nodded his head. “Ok…” then after a moment, he surprised Arthur by hugging him. He squeezed him tightly and closed his eyes as he felt his heartbeat slowly go back to normal. Arthur hugged him back and kissed the side of his head. “I’m sorry for yelling at you…” Kieran mumbled.

“It’s ok, I’m kind of getting used to it.” Arthur tried to joke to break the tension, thankfully, he heard Kieran snort and mumble ‘idiot’ under his breath, it made Arthur smile and hug him tighter. When he let go of Kieran, he wasn’t frowning anymore, but a question lingered in Arthur’s mind as he watched Kieran drink the rest of his coffee with an absent look on his face. “Hey… can I ask you something?”

“Mm.” 

Arthur hesitated but decided to ask anyway, though he didn’t expect Kieran to answer. He had been wondering for a while why Kieran seemed so messed up.

“How badly did Micah hurt you…?”

Kieran took a pause, poured the rest of his coffee into the ground and put the cup back in his bag. 

“Too badly.” Kieran said without giving further explanation, then walked away and started packing his bags. 

—————————————————————————————————————

Kieran was quiet as they rode away from Moonstone Pond, he was still thinking of their argument, and he couldn’t stop hating himself for getting so upset. He wished he could just get over his rape already, maybe convince himself somehow that it wasn’t a big deal, other people had it much worse anyway. But it hurt, deeply and constantly. And for what he could tell, it hurt Arthur too, even if he didn’t know what had happened to him.

He seemed worried about Kieran, and constantly walking on eggshells whenever they talked after that fight. Kieran felt guilty and angry at himself for putting them both in that situation, but he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t know how long it would take for him to heal, if he ever did.

“Wait here, I think I saw something.” Arthur said, stopping his horse and pulling Kieran out of his thoughts 

“What is it?” 

“Just give me a minute.” Arthur said and dismounted. Kieran watched him walk into the trees and crouch, disappearing behind a bush. It was unusual of Arthur to stop like that, but Kieran figured he had seen a plant he needed for some medicine or something like that, and just as he was expecting, Arthur came back carrying a plant, a really pretty flower in fact.

“What do you need that for?” Kieran asked curiously.

“Hopefully, it will help me make a certain cowboy cheer up a little.” Arthur said as he mounted his horse, then extended the flower to Kieran with a slight blush on his cheeks. “It’s for you.”

It took Kieran a few seconds to process what had just happened. Never in his life did he expect anyone to give him a flower, and certainly not Arthur Morgan of all people. Kieran accepted it and smiled a little at Arthur.

“Was I frowning that much?” 

“You just looked sad, I was worried about you.” 

“I’m sorry for making you worry.” Kieran mumbled. “I’ll be ok. Thank you.” 

“Mm. Do you want to stop for a bit? This place seems safe enough to rest.”

“Sure.”

They dismounted and looked for a nice spot under a tree to sit and rest. Arthur got his journal out and started sketching while Kieran sat next to him, his head resting on Arthur’s shoulder as he admired his flower in his hand, looking lost in his own thoughts again.

“You know…” Arthur said after a while as he continued sketching. “You say you can’t understand how I can like you back, when in truth, the real mystery here is how you fell for an ugly bastard like me.” Arthur chuckled, though Kieran immediately sat up straight, looking at him with a slight frown, as if Arthur’s self deprecating joke had personally offended him.

“That’s not funny. Plus, it’s no mystery I fell for you...” Kieran said. “You’re so kind and caring, you take care of me… maybe even when I don’t deserve it.”

“Huh, so I’m caring… you didn’t say handsome though.” Arthur joked again, making Kieran fake slap his arm but let out a small chuckle.

“Stop it!”

“Alright, alright.” Arthur smiled. “Just wanted to make you smile, you still seem sad.”

“I know… I’m sorry. I know I’m ruining what should be a happy moment…”

“You’re not ruining it, but I’m still worried about you.”

Kieran looked into Arthur’s eyes and saw that he genuinely cared about him, and that not knowing how to help him was eating at him just as much as Kieran’s secret was too. Kieran hated the idea of talking about it, of anyone knowing what had happened, but in that moment he thought that if there was someone who would not judge him or make fun of him, it was Arthur. 

“Kieran?” Arthur called his name when he saw him get lost in his thoughts again. “What’s wrong?”

“I… “ Kieran bit his lip and laid his head back on Arthur’s shoulder. “Can I talk to you about something…?” Kieran tried his hardest not to let his voice break.

“Of course.” Arthur said in a serious tone, closing his journal and giving Kieran his full attention, though Kieran refused to sit up facing Arthur, maybe it would be easier to say it if he didn’t have to look directly at him. “What is it?”

“It’s… uh, something that happened…” Kieran started with a shaky voice, his heartbeat speeding up in a couple of seconds. “T-to me… I know how worried you are… and that I never explain anything. It must be so confusing to you, but… it’s so hard for me to say it… that’s why I haven’t told you.”

“I understand.” Arthur nodded, then looked down into Kieran’s lap and reached for his hand. The moment he held it, Kieran squeezed his tightly, feeling silently grateful for the comfort it brought him.

“Uhm…” Kieran tensed as he tried to continue, squeezing Arthur’s hand and taking a deep breath, thankfully Arthur was patient and didn’t press him to speak. “I told you I wanted to stop stealing for Micah… and that because of that he beat me up and cut my face… but that’s not true…”

“No?”

“I-I mean, some of it… he did beat me up, and cut me, obviously, but… that’s not why I ran away.” Kieran’s grip on Arthur’s hand felt like it would break it, but Arthur didn’t react to it, if he felt any pain he didn’t show it at all. His full attention was still focused on Kieran. “I left… because… because…”

Arthur waited, looking down at their hands to take off the pressure of him staring at Kieran as he tried to say what had happened. In truth, Arthur’s heart was hammering in his chest probably as much as Kieran’s, but he needed to stay calm for his sake. 

“I… was raped… h-he did it. Micah raped me.” 

It took Arthur a few seconds to process what Kieran had just said, it was horrible and the last thing he wanted to hear, but taking everything that had happened into consideration… he knew that was the truth. He looked at Kieran and he seemed frozen, staring hard into the ground with his grip tight on Arthur’s hand. He could barely feel it by now.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry…” Arthur whispered, Kieran bit his lip, trying hard to hold back tears. “I’m so fucking sorry, Kieran… did it…? Did it happen in camp?” Arthur felt stupid for asking, but he felt so shocked and horrible thinking that it had happened right next to them and with no one noticing. 

Kieran shook his head. He was barely keeping it together. The memories were too painful, and the feelings of shame and disgust too intense to handle. His whole body started shaking as he couldn’t fight back his tears anymore. He leaned into Arthur, and without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around Kieran.

“It happened one of the nights he made me steal money for him… but he had been… harassing me before that.” Kieran tried to explain. “Touching me… that kind of stuff.”

“Did you ever tell anyone…? About the harassment?” 

Kieran shook his head again. “I thought no one would believe me...or that they’d tell me to deal with it myself.”

“Like I did…” Arthur said feeling awfully guilty. 

“It’s different, you only knew he was hitting me.”

“Isn’t that bad enough?” Arthur sighed, then kissed Kieran’s forehead. “I’m so sorry…”

“I don’t blame you for that.” Kieran hid his face in Arthur’s shirt. Arthur didn’t know what to say, he knew he couldn’t change the past, not even if he apologized a million times like he felt he had to. So he just rubbed Kieran’s back, trying his best to soothe him through such a difficult moment. After a long pause, he heard Kieran mumble something into his chest. “You know, I tried to fight, but in the end… I just stood still and let it happen. Maybe it’s my f-”

“Oh my god, don’t you even say that. It’s no one’s fault but that son of a bitch’s.” Arthur grumbled, he was involuntarily picturing that piece of shit putting his hands on Kieran. Instead, Arthur tried to replace them with images of his own hands around Micah’s throat. “Listen, if you can forgive me for not helping you, I’m sure you can stop blaming yourself. You did nothing to deserve that.” 

Kieran just started crying harder at that, he didn’t know how badly he needed to hear that. It was still hard not blaming himself, but just having someone sympathizing with him and telling him he didn’t deserve it meant so much to him. Kieran remembered for a moment what it had been like after it happened, when he was naked, hurt and heartbroken. He remembered feeling so disgusted with himself and so fucking alone… 

The way Arthur was hugging him now, was exactly how he had wished someone would’ve held him that night. Oh how he wished Arthur would have showed up, either to help him, or just to hug him.

“You won’t want me now that you know…” Kieran said in between sobs, causing Arthur to push him away and cup his cheeks, it was starting to become a familiar gesture Kieran really liked.

“Why the hell not? You’re so brave for just telling me this, not to mention you have proved all of us wrong. You have survived on your own this far, you are much stronger than we thought. You are kind, honest and good. I promise you whatever Micah did... he could never ruin those things. This hasn’t changed at all the way I look at you.” Arthur wiped away some fresh tears off of Kieran’s cheeks. 

“So… you really still want me?”

As if to prove what he had just said, Arthur glanced at Kieran’s lips and kissed him gently, this time Kieran was glad to be sober enough to record every little detail in his memory. In a way, it felt like this was their first kiss, at least for him. Afterwards, Arthur smiled shyly at him, and after tucking his hair behind his ear he kissed his forehead too.

“I do.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, a little late but here it is.
> 
> Also, I started writing another fic with my bf Daovihi. It’s called ‘Hunger Pains’ it’s a Kierthur horror au fic, and it’s been so fun to write so far. Maybe check it out if you’re into that? 
> 
> Anyway, thank you all for still being here. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Kieran smiled at him, his eyes filled with tears, and he grew enough courage to be the one who kissed Arthur next. He felt his arms around him and Arthur smiling into the kiss, and once they pulled away, they both sighed and looked away shyly.

“Do you have anything else you want to say?” Arthur asked after a moment.

“I… I don’t know. I guess there’s some stuff I’d like to vent about, but I don’t wanna dump all that on you. Do we even have time for that?”

Arthur sat facing Kieran and held his hand.

“I do. I want to listen to you. I suppose there’s a lot you have had to keep inside for a while…”

“Yeah…” Kieran smiled sadly.

“Well, I’m here for you.”

Kieran looked up and smiled a little. It meant so much to him to have someone who would listen to him. Even if it was scary, but looking into Arthur’s eyes and holding his hand made it a little bit easier. 

”You know… I think… I think Micah… did that because he was jealous.” Kieran said in a small voice. “I know there’s no point in trying to understand why he raped me but… it’s just something I’ve been thinking about.”

“Jealous of whom?” Arthur asked.

“Of… you.” Kieran looked away. “He hit me first because he had been spying on us when we went fishing. And then when he… uh…” Kieran trailed off, then shook his head to try to forget a painful memory. “He made me call you for help.”

Arthur felt sick. He couldn’t understand how someone could be so cruel. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could’ve helped you.”

“I honestly don’t know if I’m glad you weren’t there. And that you didn’t have to see me like that… it was humiliating.”

Arthur squeezed his hand, running his thumbs over the knuckles. It was hard to listen to the hurt in Kieran’s voice, and especially knowing he couldn’t do much to erase it. He could just listen, so that’s what he did. He looked down at Kieran’s hand, turning it upside down a little and noticing how the scars on his wrist were poking out from under his coat. He didn’t want to ask in fear of triggering some bad memories, but also because they reminded him of how he had used them against Kieran at some point. God, he could be a real asshole sometimes.

Kieran followed his gaze, and instead of covering them, he just stared at them with a sad expression. 

“I thought of killing myself again while I was in Strawberry.” Kieran confessed. “I felt like I had no control over anything anymore. I was sleeping on the streets, I was having nightmares, I was lost… but I got scared, just like last time. So I ended up drunk on the street where you found me.”

“Jesus… you’ve been through quite a lot.”

“Yeah… sometimes it feels like it’ll be like this from now on.”

“It won’t.” Arthur lifted Kieran’s hand up to his lips and kissed his knuckles. “And you know, I’m actually impressed by how well you’ve kept it together, despite everything.”

“Kept it together?” Kieran raised an eyebrow. “I’m a mess, Arthur… you’ve seen me like that plenty of times…”

“It’s understandable if you cry or get upset so often, but you gotta admit you’ve managed to take care of yourself. You’ve survived on your own after all that. I honestly don’t know what I would’ve done in your place… “

“Maybe be less of a coward and go back to kill him.” Kieran frowned.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not cowardice what stopped you…”

Kieran looked at him and folded his arms. 

“I don’t know… I was scared of him, I was devastated and I felt broken… but I also felt so fucking angry. I wanted to kill him, but I knew that if I went to camp and shot him I wouldn’t get out of there alive. He’s one of yours after all...”

“He’s not one of us…” Arthur grumbled. 

“Whether you like it or not, he is. And I bet that since the others don’t know what he did, they would defend him.”

“You underestimate how much we all hate Micah Bell.” 

Kieran snorted at that, surprising Arthur with a little smile. He returned the smile and squeezed Kieran’s hand, then changed his expression into a more serious one.

“I’m going to kill him as soon as I get back. He’s not getting away with this.” Arthur promised. To his surprise, Kieran shook his head.

“No. You can’t.”

“What? You want him to live after what he did to you?” Arthur frowned in confusion.

“Of course not. I want him dead as much as you, but you forget Dutch is already suspicious of you. If he thinks you’re conspiring with me, and you go and kill one of your own gang members, that’ll just make things worse. Plus, he’s the only one who knows exactly where the stolen money is. You might not find it if you just go and kill him.”

“I don’t care about any of that!”

“I do.” Kieran frowned. “You think you’re the only one who worries? I’m worried about the Pinkertons finding you and your family because you still don’t have enough money to leave. I’m worried about the others turning on you for helping me.” 

“Kieran, no offense, but you were only with us for a couple of months, you don’t know how close we are with each other. I know for a fact they trust me more than Micah. I’ve known Dutch for around twenty years. He’d believe me before he’d believe Micah, if it came to me telling him about what he did to you as an excuse to kill him.” 

“And who said you can tell Dutch about what he did to me?” Kieran frowned. “If I told you I was raped, it’s because I trust you, it doesn’t mean you can go and tell everybody else!”

“I- it’s-“ Arthur sighed and nodded. “You’re right, sorry. It’s not my place to tell anyone.”

“Thank you… now promise me you won’t get into unnecessary trouble for me.”

Arthur frowned and looked away. Kieran just sighed and ran a hand down his face.

“Maybe I could continue trying to find that money and expose him as a traitor. There’s no way I’m letting a fucking rapist stay with us.” Arthur grumbled.

Kieran bit his lip, he sure as hell didn’t want Micah to stay with them either. Anybody could be at risk with him around. And he couldn’t deny that he would be devastated if anything like what happened to him happened to anyone, like Mary-Beth, for example. She was sweet, and one of the few people who always treated him kindly. And then there was little Jack… Kieran wanted to believe even Micah wouldn’t be capable of such a repulsive thing, but it was better to not even give him the chance.

There was also the matter of the money… as much as Arthur wanted to insist they were doing fine and working on getting more money, Kieran knew they really needed what they had lost. That money was the difference between freedom or a rope around their throats. Maybe not even that, they could be all gunned down any moment.

“I’ll help you.” Kieran said, barely audible at first.

“What?”

“I said I'll help you, with Micah… I'll help you find the money and expose him.”

“You’re joking right? Kieran, you were the one who said you didn’t want to be anywhere near him.”

“I know.” Kieran frowned. “I still don’t like the idea of being around him… but I’d face him, if it meant I could help you.”

“You don’t have to prove anything to me, I know you care. But this is too dangerous for you.”

“I’m not trying to prove anything.” Kieran said determined. “I just want to help you. And if I’m honest, I also want to kill Micah.” Kieran’s tone sounded familiar to Arthur, a type of anger he had only heard in Mrs. Adler’s voice whenever she talked about the O’Driscolls and what they had done to her husband. Arthur couldn’t blame him for feeling that way.

“I know… but let me handle this, you’ve been through enough already. We need to find you a place so you can’t finally stop being on the run.”

“I have an idea.” Kieran insisted. Arthur didn’t want to hear it, he really didn’t want to get Kieran involved in it, not when it concerned his rapist. But he seemed determined to help Arthur. Arthur didn’t think it was worth the risk, but in the end, he nodded his head, defeated, and let Kieran explain what he had in mind.

—————————————————————

Arthur couldn’t believe he was doing this. But he was already just a couple of hours away from Rhodes, so there was no turning back now. It wasn’t a terrible plan, but as long as it involved Kieran and Micah meeting face to face after what had happened, Arthur was not going to stop feeling uneasy, at least until Micah’s body fell to the ground with a bullet between the eyes.

He had been gone for a while again, but since he had done a couple of jobs along the way and continued to send money to the camp, Dutch didn’t seem to mind the long absence this time. Arthur thought it was the money that made Dutch act more welcoming, that or the intensity of Hosea’s stare on the back of Dutch’s neck whenever he and Arthur talked. Arthur couldn’t help but smile at the thought of it. Hosea always had his back. 

He looked around camp and there was no sign of Micah again. He was glad for not having to see his fucking face, but he was also frustrated at being unable to start the plan already. All he could do for now was lay on his cot and wait for him to show up. He wondered what Kieran was doing in that moment, apart from hiding. Was he scared of what they were planning to do? Was he having second thoughts? Arthur could only continue wondering and making himself anxious, but thankfully, exhaustion got the best of him, and he fell asleep.

Morning came, and Arthur woke up to the thunderous sound of Micah’s laughter. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, only managing to see Reverend Swanson quickly walking away from Micah with a terrified look on his face. The poor man was paranoid enough, and Micah’s cruel pranks on him left him even more nervous than usual. Arthur wasn’t at all surprised that with Kieran gone, he was looking for someone else to torture. 

God, how he wanted to punch his fucking teeth in. Instead, Arthur stood up and stared at Micah with a judgemental look on his face, trying to annoy him as much as possible.

“What are you looking at, Morgan?” Micah growled. Huh. That was easy.

“Just an idiot in its natural habitat.” Arthur said with a smirk, then he turned around and started packing way too many supplies into his bag way too obviously. 

“You should be staring into a mirror instead.” Arthur could hear his footsteps getting closer, it was a good sign. He grabbed an extra revolver he had, as well as more ammo and cans of food, then put them all in his bag. “Running off again? You sure are taking a lot of shit with you, too much for one person...” 

“I’m going hunting.” Arthur lied too obviously.

“Oh, I’m sure you are.”

“Yeah. Someone told me of these nice spots you go to all the time. Bolger Glade… Radley’s Pasture…” Arthur said. He wasn’t sure, but he swore he could see Micah’s face turning a little pale at the mention of those places. “I might check them out.”

“And who the hell says I go there?” Micah asked threateningly, lowering his voice and taking a step closer in Arthur’s direction.

“Oh, I can’t remember who.” Arthur shrugged and walked away to go prepare his horse for the trip. He didn’t spend too much time there, he didn’t want to lose the effect of suspicion he had created in Micah. He also wanted to see Kieran again, even if he was so worried about guiding his rapist to his location.

How the hell had Kieran even suggested such a thing? Arthur thought it was stupid at first, hell, he still thought that now, but it also showed him how brave Kieran was. And how caring too for putting himself in danger like that just to help Arthur. But it was fine, Arthur would die before he let Micah do anything to him.

Arthur galloped away from camp without exchanging many words with everyone else. They didn’t mind him leaving again, they were used to it. But he knew that someone did now, and he was almost certain they were getting their horse ready to follow him down the road.

—————————————————————

Hiding in the surrounding area of Emerald Ranch left Kieran with nothing to do. He couldn’t even find comfort in the company of Bran, as he had left him at the stable in Emerald Ranch so he could hide more easily. He was scared. He would be lying if he said this plan of his wasn’t making him extremely anxious.

He didn’t even want to think of all the ways things could go wrong. And especially not the consequences of those mistakes. Just knowing he would see Micah again was enough to send shivers down his spine.

Instead, he tried to think of what would happen if they succeeded. Arthur would get his money back and start working on his escape. Arthur had told Kieran the gang was more likely going to forgive him and let him back into the gang, but did he even want to go back? Even if Micah wasn’t there, it was hard to separate the Van der Linde gang from the worst days of his life. He had never truly felt like he was part of it, he wasn’t sure if it would be a matter of time before they accepted him, or if they would continue to be cold and distant towards him. He had already tried to make them like him, but they never seemed to be able to stop seeing him as the ‘O’Driscoll boy’.

The sound of distant hooves alerted Kieran, pulling him out of his thoughts and making him reach for his rifle. It had been like that the whole day and a half he had been there. Every rider that went through gave him a rush of adrenaline, only to gallop away a few seconds later. But this time, it seemed like it was who he had been waiting for. He looked through the scope and confirmed his suspicions. He had to wait, but he didn’t stop looking at him for one second.

He watched Arthur hitch his horse, then look around for a moment. Kieran desperately wanted to run up to him and hug him. He had missed him, and he was nervous about what they were going to do, but he waited. He wasn’t about to ruin this because of his nervousness. Arthur walked inside the partially destroyed cabin and Kieran admired him for it. A few days ago, when they had found the place, they found dozens of human skeletons laying on the beds inside, with their boots still on, and at the end of the corridor, a strange table with candles and books, and an even stranger note on top of the table, talking about beings from outer space. Kieran hated the place immediately and found it creepy as hell, but they decided it would work. Now, he only hoped this would be over soon so Arthur could get out of there too. He might’ve denied it, but Kieran knew the place also made him real uneasy. 

Suddenly, Kieran heard another horse. This was it. It had to be. He looked through the scope again, and he fought the urge to pull the trigger the moment he saw the ugly blonde man riding slowly up the hill. His hands were sweating, but his grip on the gun was steady. The time for payback would come later.

Micah dismounted a little far from the cabin, then walked carefully to the main entrance, with his hand on his revolver and looking over his shoulder every few seconds. Then, he came to the front door and opened it quickly, pointing his gun and yelling at Arthur. Kieran could hear his voice inside, pretending not to know what Micah was doing there. Kieran walked up quickly to the front of the cabin.

“Oh you son of a bitch, I knew it!” Micah laughed. 

“You don’t know shit. Put that gun down.” 

Kieran listened to their voices through the door, then took a deep breath, working up the courage to open the door. He couldn’t fail Arthur now. His life would be in danger. Nothing else mattered, he had to do this. 

The front door opened, and Micah turned around for a second. His face turned into a deep frown.

“Long time no see.” Kieran said, glaring at him and pointing his gun directly at his head.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super late as always haha. Aw, remember the times when I managed to update every Thursday? :( 
> 
> Anyway, thank you for continuing to read this story. We’re approaching its end and it’s making me a bit emotional haha. But I already have some other stories I want to work on after this so that’s something I look forward to.
> 
> Thanks again to Daovihi for helping me with corrections <3
> 
> Also beware, this chapter contains a pretty ugly flashback.
> 
> Enjoy!

Arthur’s breath hitched as he watched Kieran enter the cabin. He looked fierce and brave, like Arthur had always suspected Kieran was on the inside. It impressed him even more knowing who Kieran was talking to. Arthur felt proud in a way, but he also felt worried, even more so as Micah pulled out a second revolver and pointed it at Kieran.

“Well, I was wondering when you would come out.” Micah grumbled, looking at Kieran up and down with a degrading look. Kieran was almost unaware of the gun pointed at him, being shot in the head seemed a lot less scary compared to having to be so close to his rapist. Looking at Micah was hard, even hearing his voice made Kieran feel a knot in his throat. That was the voice that had moaned in his ear as he sobbed and begged him to stop. The more he listened to him, the more clearly Kieran remembered all the disgusting things Micah had told him back then. “Is everything alright? You don’t look so well.” Micah snorted at the way Kieran held his rifle, his posture looked tense all over. 

Micah’s mocking tone made Kieran snap out of his trance. In all the time Kieran spent thinking about that confrontation, he had stupidly thought that maybe, as crazy as it sounded in his head, Micah would show any sign of remorse for what he had done. He thought maybe he’d look at him and remember how much he hurt him and he’d at least have the decency to not make a joke out of it. But there they were, face to face, and Micah was the still the same piece of shit as he was back then.

Kieran glared at Micah, his finger eager to pull the trigger even if it got him killed but then he caught a glance of Arthur behind Micah. He looked just as furious as him, but he shook his head at Kieran, reminding him it wasn’t a good idea. Not unless he was out of danger. Kieran exhaled through his nose, relaxing his stance just a little and looking at Micah. He trusted Arthur to find a way to take him down, but Kieran knew he needed to buy him some time. It wouldn’t be hard, he knew how much Micah liked to talk. Especially when he needed to feel he was in control of the situation.

“I’m fine.” Kieran said through gritted teeth. “I’ll be even better after I blow your brains out.”

“I see you haven’t changed a bit. Still stupid as ever, O’Driscoll.” Micah smirked, turning to glance at Arthur. “Then again, maybe you got dumber after spending time with this other idiot.”

“You talk pretty confidently for someone who has two guns pointed at him.” Kieran grumbled, glancing for a second at Arthur. He was looking around, his gaze stopping at one of the windows, the only one left that wasn’t shattered. Micah took a step in Kieran’s direction, surprising both Kieran and Arthur and making Kieran’s heart race. 

“Maybe I know something you don’t.” 

Kieran felt pressure in his chest as Micah’s eyes stared directly at him, intensely and menacingly. The memories started replaying in his head, and he remembered how before Micah hurt him, he used to always give him that exact same look. Like he was getting off on his fear. 

Suddenly the sound of a gunshot and glass shattering made both Kieran and Micah shudder and turn to where the sound had come from, a second later Micah groaned and stumbled forward after getting hit in the head by Arthur. A second hit sent him to the ground, and Kieran lost no time kicking his guns out of his reach.

“Son of a bitch!” Micah yelled as Arthur straddled him, pinning his hands behind his back.

“Go get the rope.” Arthur instructed and Kieran nodded quickly and bent over to get the rope they had hidden under one of the beds. His hands were a bit shaky as he reached for it.

As they tied him up, Micah yelled and struggled, threatening to kill them both but not before doing horrible things to them. Especially to Kieran. The more frustrated he got the more he insulted him and threatened him, only causing Kieran more trouble breathing with his incessant verbal abuse. Arthur was more than aware of it and punched Micah as a warning, but that didn’t stop him. Arthur then resorted to covering his mouth with his hand, not caring if he bit him so long as he made him stop yelling at Kieran.

“Look for something to put in his mouth so we can shut him up.” Arthur asked.

Instead of looking, Kieran got up and grabbed his rifle, turning it around and using the butt to hit Micah in the head. Hard. Arthur flinched as he didn’t expect it either, then felt Micah’s body go limp underneath him. 

“There.” Kieran said dryly. 

“Yeah… that works too…” Thankfully, Arthur could still feel a pulse after checking with his fingers, he was a little surprised Kieran hadn’t killed him after such a hit. He looked up and found Kieran with his back turned to him, staring into the ground. Arthur knew something was wrong, so he hurried up making sure Micah’s bindings were tight enough and got up, gently touching Kieran’s arm. “Hey, you ok?”

Kieran nodded, turned around and hugged Arthur.

“I fucking hate him.” Kieran mumbled into his chest. Arthur sighed and rubbed his back, then kissed the top of his head. Kieran had been brave, but Arthur knew it had been real hard for him. He couldn’t imagine what having to see one’s rapist again was like, and he didn’t judge Kieran for feeling scared, angry, and sad.

“I know. But we got him, he’s not going anywhere now. He’s not going to hurt you again. We’ll make him tell us about the money and we’ll be done with him, remember?”

Kieran looked up, blinking away tears and letting out a shaky breath.

“Yeah.” Kieran nodded.

“Alright? C’mon let’s get him out of here.” Arthur patted his back. “You were really brave, you know? And that was a great hit with the rifle, by the way.” Arthur smiled at him, picking Micah up and throwing him over his shoulder. Kieran snorted and picked up his pistols, following them outside. He wasn’t sure if he had really been brave, but hitting Micah had sure felt great. He had lost count of how many times he wished he could have done that. 

Arthur threw Micah’s unconscious body over the back of his horse and tied him up to the saddle to make sure he didn’t fall. Kieran watched closely, now that he felt a bit more calm he could almost stand to look at Micah, but as he watched him lay there motionless, he started to hear his voice in his head, remembering what Micah was saying right before they had taken him down.

“Maybe I know something you don’t…” Kieran repeated his words in a mumble.

“What’s that?” Arthur asked, wiping the sweat off his brow.

Kieran didn’t answer. He was slowly growing anxious as plenty of theories popped up in his head. He looked around them, ignoring Arthur questions, and there on a hill, just as he feared he saw a couple of silhouettes. Sitting on top of their horses and staring down at them. 

“Shit.” Arthur suddenly whispered, also noticing their company.

“Backup.” Kieran swallowed. His heart started pounding in his chest as the riders spurred their horses on, making their way down the hill and in their direction.

“C’mon! Let’s go!” Arthur exclaimed, practically dragging Kieran to the horse. They started galloping away as fast as they could. Kieran thought of Bran, and of how he had left him in the stable at Emerald ranch. He told himself he would go back to get him later… if they made it out alive…

Wrapping his arms tightly around Arthur’s waist, Kieran took deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm but then realized he needed to watch their backs. He unsheathed his pistol and turned around, trying to spot the riders following them.

“Wait! Don’t shoot!” 

“I don’t think they’re following us to have a chat, Arthur.” Kieran frowned.

“I know but- look, it might be people from camp. We might be able to talk our way out of this if it’s them, but later. We have to hide.” Kieran frowned, not really liking the sound of Arthur’s request, though it made sense. “Just don’t shoot if you see anyone from the gang, alright? Anyone else, you can kill them.”

“Got it. Let’s just get out of here.”

Arthur spurred the horse on and took them further up north, trying to find a place with enough trees to hide them better. The whole time Kieran kept his gaze over his shoulder and his revolver ready. They didn’t stop riding until they made it Moonstone pond. There was a long distance between them and the cabin where they saw the unknown riders, so Arthur felt confident enough to stop the horse. It wasn’t like he could ride much further with all that extra weight. 

“C’mon, into the trees. This place seems good.” Arthur instructed as he dismounted and guided the horse. Behind him, Kieran walked with his gun ready, keeping his eyes open for any unwanted company. 

“I feel like an idiot for not considering he could bring backup.” Kieran mumbled as he followed Arthur.

“Hey, it’s ok. I didn’t think anybody would like Micah enough to protect him either.” Arthur joked. “Whoever he brought with him, he must’ve paid them.”

“Who do you think it was?” 

“Uh, I’m not sure. Bill maybe? He seems to be the only one who can sort of stand him.”

“Ugh, Bill…” Kieran shuddered. “I don’t like him. Or his damn gelding tongs…”

“I’m sorry about that…” Arthur mumbled, feeling guilty at the memories of him even laughing while Kieran was about to be tortured. 

“It’s all in the past now, don’t worry.”

The area they chose to camp in had enough trees to provide good coverage, but they still chose not to light up a fire, just in case. It proved to be a great inconvenience up in the mountain where the air grew more frigid as the hours went by. Kieran tried to keep himself warm by patrolling their camp constantly, but his body still felt too numb. Arthur offered him some whiskey to help him battle the cold, but Kieran rejected it, not wanting to risk dulling his senses. He glanced at Micah’s unconscious body as he said so.

Micah was tied up to a tree, it had been a while now and he still hadn’t woke up, but Arthur was certain he would any moment. They had used Arthur’s neckerchief to gag him, and he was completely immobilized. All that was left to do was wait for him to open his eyes and then make him open his mouth to tell them what he had done with their money. The wait proved to be longer than expected, and Kieran spent the whole time standing on guard duty. Arthur watched him rub his arms and yawn for what felt like the hundredth time before he decided to try to make him get some rest.

“It’s ok, I can stay here for a while.” Kieran said rubbing his eyes. 

“You need to rest, you look tired.” Arthur insisted.

Kieran frowned and shook his head, though the darks circles under his eyes told a different story. Arthur knew he was worried about Micah, but he wouldn’t admit it. Arthur didn’t feel well with making Kieran sleep anywhere near Micah either, but he was confident in the way he had secured him to that tree. Micah wasn’t going anywhere, and he wasn’t going to hurt Kieran. Arthur had promised him that. Still, he understood his discomfort.

“You can bring you bedroll here next to me if you want, leave him over there.” Arthur offered, rubbing Kieran’s arm.

“But what if-“

“He won’t. I checked those knots at least four times. Don’t worry.” 

Kieran sighed and nodded, walking back to get his bedroll. While there, he couldn’t help but glance at Micah, there was a big bruise starting to form on the side of his head where Kieran had hit him, and another one on his cheek, courtesy of Arthur. Kieran thought that it was maybe thanks to the fact that Micah wasn’t talking anymore that Kieran didn’t feel like hurting him when he looked at him. He hated Micah's guts, there was no doubt about it. But he just wanted him dead. Something quick, he didn’t even care if Micah felt pain. He just wanted him to stop existing so Kieran could finally stop worrying about him. But Kieran figured that when Micah woke up and started insulting and threatening him and Arthur again, he would feel compelled to hurt him. He would have to, they were meant to interrogate him after all.

Kieran walked over to where Arthur was standing and laid his bedroll on the ground close to him. He sat there and looked up at him, craving a hug or a kiss from him for comfort, but feeling too shy to ask. Arthur glanced at him and smiled, like he had just read his thoughts, then bent over cupping Kieran’s cheeks with his hands and kissed him softly on the lips.

“Everything will be ok. Sleep well.” Arthur whispered.

The kiss was able to take some of Kieran’s worries away, but he hoped it would be enough to help him sleep peacefully throughout the night. He laid on his bedroll and looked at Arthur, trying to focus on how safe he made him feel to fight any lingering negative thoughts. And slowly but surely, he started to fall asleep.

————————————————————————

Kieran shifted, feeling as if something was stuck to his leg, it was mildly annoying until it felt like pressure. Like something or someone was grabbing him. He rolled and shifted again, trying to get rid of the strange and unpleasant feeling of hands holding onto his hips but they didn’t go away. It was like they were stuck to his skin. It got worse as they started moving. Now he could feel them on his thighs, his ass… when they reached and grabbed his genitals he was certain he had let out a whimper though it felt like he couldn’t make a sound. 

Then he heard his voice. He could even feel Micah’s mustache tickling his neck as he got close to whisper in his ear. All disgusting comments about his body, about good he was making it for him, how he was never going to stop. Kieran was frozen with fear and before he could react his pants were being pulled down and just as quickly he was being forcefully penetrated. 

He sobbed into the pillow so loudly he woke himself up, and he opened his eyes to find a dark silhouette on top of him, shaking his shoulders. Kieran pushed him away as hard as he could and crawled away, crying and gasping for air.

“It’s me! It’s Arthur. It’s ok.” Arthur followed him crouching next to Kieran who sobbed and hugged himself. He tried to get close enough to touch Kieran’s shoulder, causing him to flinch and slap his hand away. 

“Don’t touch me!” Kieran yelled and continued to sob. “Don’t touch me… please… please don’t… stay away.”

“It was just a nightmare, you’re ok.” Arthur tried to reassure him but Kieran just cried into his hands.

“Don’t touch me…” Kieran mumbled, sounding broken and desperate. It broke Arthur’s heart, and despite how much he wanted to hug him, Arthur kept his distance.

“I won’t. You’re ok, Kieran, he’s still there tied up.” 

Kieran dared to look up for a moment and he felt a bit relieved to find that Micah was still there, head hanging low and his arms tied behind the tree. But still, it wasn’t enough to make Kieran feel better after the horrible nightmare he had just had. Especially when it had felt so real. He felt ashamed and violated, even in pain, which he couldn’t understand because Micah couldn’t have done it, and Kieran knew Arthur would never hurt him like that. Maybe he was finally losing his mind.

“I knew this would happen…” Arthur sighed, running a hand down his face. “Look, I know how upsetting being near him is. We can get rid of him right now if you want. Forget the interrogation. I’ll kill him and we’ll be done with this.” 

Still shaking, Kieran stared into the ground as he desperately tried to calm himself down. He couldn’t even remember the breathing exercises Oliver had taught him. Arthur called his name and got no answer so he tried to look him in the eyes to get his attention.

“Hey.” Arthur said in a gentle voice, Kieran finally looked up, cheeks wet with tears. “Can I hug you?”

Kieran hesitated, but ended up nodding, letting Arthur wrap his arms around Kieran as he buried his face in Arthur's chest. Arthur rubbed his back and talked to him softly. Eventually, Kieran managed to breathe easy again, though he still felt a bit shaky. Arthur wiped his tears with his thumbs and helped him up, going to offer him some water when behind them Micah groaned, sending Kieran into another state of anxiety.

Micah shifted against his bindings, groaning and struggling to open his eyes, once he did he stared at Arthur and Kieran with a deep frown and tried to say something before realizing he couldn’t, thanks to the gag in his mouth.

Arthur turned to Kieran, wrapping an arm protectively around him and making him look him in the eyes. “You don’t have to put up with this another second, I’ll kill him right now if you want.” Arthur offered again.

After that horrible dream, Kieran felt more than tempted to say yes, especially with the menacing way Micah kept looking at them. But he didn’t want to give in to his fear, he had made it all the way here already, and he was doing it for Arthur, to help him. It wasn’t the first nightmare he had, and it probably wouldn’t be the last, he told himself he could deal with it and give Micah what he deserved. After all, that dream had reminded him of how helpless he had felt, and how much he wished he could have done something. Now he had a chance.

“Let’s ask him about the money.” Kieran mumbled, finally daring to look at Micah in the eyes. 

—————————————————————

Micah’s head collided against the tree trunk behind him from the impact, sending a wave of pain throughout his skull. He hissed and cursed, then coughed and spit blood.

“Arghh… w-what the fuck was that for?” Micah glared at Arthur then spit more blood at his feet.

“You’re a piece of shit.” Arthur shrugged.

“And you’re pathetic, Morgan. If I wasn’t tied up to this damn tree, you wouldn’t even dare to do this.” Micah growled. Kieran then stepped in front of him again, arms folded and glaring at him. Micah looked up at Kieran with an equally hateful look. “What the fuck are you looking at, you stupid O’Driscoll? I told you to shove your fucking questions up your ass!”

Kieran waited a second, then calmly spoke.

“The rest of the gang’s money, did you hide it also in Radley’s pasture?”

“Listen here you idiot. For the hundredth time, I didn’t take shit, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Micah smirked. Kieran pursed his lips and stomped his foot on Micah’s crotch as hard as he could, making him scream and groan in pain. “You fucking-! I’ll kill you!”

Kieran didn’t move his boot, instead he applied more pressure until tears came from Micah’s eyes. “Is it there?” He asked calmly.

“I… it…” Micah panted heavily. “Fuck you…”

Kieran stepped away and Arthur crouched in front of Micah, punching him repeatedly in the abdomen making Micah cough more and gasp desperately for air.

“Kieran, why don’t you pass me my knife? He looks like he’s ready to open up to us.” Arthur grumbled, holding Micah by the throat as he punched him in the face. Kieran reached for the knife on Arthur’s hip, pulling it out carefully and holding it in front of Micah.

“W-wait… wait…” Micah struggled to say, his eyes going wide at the sight of the sharp blade. 

“What do you say, eye for an eye?” Arthur said to Kieran as he dragged the blade lightly over Micah’s cheek. “I think his face is begging for a new scar.”

Kieran didn’t look or answer, he liked that Micah was paying, but watching him get his face cut open would certainly bring some unwanted memories so he chose to turn his back on them.

“If you want, I don’t care.” Kieran shrugged, staring at the trees ahead of him.

“Maybe I can carve a little message on your forehead. Got a few adjectives in mind that would suit you perfectly.”

“Don’t! Wait-!”

Kieran shuddered at the sound of Micah’s groans and tried to just focus on the trees. It was dark and cold out there, it made him miss the time when he used to sleep behind Marcus’ counter at his store. He thought of the fireplace and hot cups of coffee shared on those nice comfy chairs. He was so lost in those nice thoughts he could barely pay attention to Micah’s suffering. But he did notice something moving behind the bushes.

“Arthur.” Kieran whispershouted, not taking his eyes off the trees. “I think someone’s there.”

Arthur stopped his carving, leaving just the letters ‘ra’ engraved in Micah’s forehead and turned around. He couldn’t see much but he still stared for several seconds, trying to see or hear anything. Suddenly, Micah started yelling. 

“Help! Over here! I’m here!”

“Shut up!” Arthur pistol whipped him and pointed the barrel of his gun to his head, securing the neckerchief back in his mouth while Kieran pointed his pistol to where he had seen a shadow. “Who’s there?!” Arthur yelled, trying to spot the intruders. “This isn’t your business now get lost before I kill you!”

A few seconds passed and nothing happened.. Arthur was about to go investigate when a man walked out from behind some bushes, holding a gun and making Arthur open his mouth in surprise.

“What are you doing, Arthur?” Sean asked in disbelief, approaching slowly. From behind him, Bill got out of his hiding spot too and followed him, aiming at Kieran.

“Sean…” Arthur said slowly.

“You said you hadn’t found him.” Sean frowned, his voice almost breaking at the possibility of Arthur having betrayed them. Kieran could only stare at them in shock and shame, he didn’t know what would happen or what they would do to Arthur. And it was all his fault. 

“I know… I know how this looks, just let me explain.”

“We’re taking him to Dutch.” Bill said, pointing at Kieran, who swallowed nervously.

“You’re not taking him anywhere.” Arthur growled. “Just listen to me.”

Micah tried to yell at them to shoot both of them, but he could only make unintelligible sounds with the gag in his mouth. Sean looked at him, and then at Arthur. When Micah asked him to accompany him to a ‘job’ as backup, he never imagined he would end up having to choose whether to shoot Arthur or not. That was his brother. Someone he loved and looked up to. He didn’t know what to do. Bill on the other hand, seemed more calm and determined. He even looked eager to shoot Kieran.

“Yes, I lied about not having found Kieran. Because he’s innocent.” Arthur explained, lowering his gun.

“Why did he run away, then?” Sean asked with a frown. Kieran bit his lip, lowering his head in shame as he feared Arthur would reveal his secret to them to try to save him. “Why are you torturing Micah?”

“Kieran running away at the same time our money disappeared is just a coincidence.” Arthur explained calmly. “He left because… because Micah had been threatening him horribly.”

“So now you’re torturing him for that O’Driscoll? What the fuck Arthur?” Sean frowned. “I don’t like him either, but that doesn’t make any sense.”

“It’s not revenge.” Arthur sighed. “Micah stole the money. He's the real traitor here. We’re just trying to make him tell us where he put the money.”

“Why? So you can give it to your boyfriend here and he can run away again?” Bill said gesturing with his gun at Kieran. 

“It was my idea interrogating Micah.” Kieran finally spoke. “I just wanted to help Arthur get his money back so he could escape. So you could all escape.”

“You shut up!” Sean yelled. 

“Sean-“ Arthur said.

“Let’s get this over with.” Bill said.

“Wait, no!“ Kieran pleaded.

“Listen to me!” Arthur insisted.

“What are you waiting for?!” Bill yelled, already cocking his gun. 

“Shut up! All of you!” Sean yelled, glaring at each one of them. Everyone went silent and stared at him as Sean breathed heavily. It felt like an eternity went by, and then finally Sean sighed and lowered his gun, making Arthur and Kieran both sigh in relief.

“Oh you gotta be kidding me.” Bill grumbled.

“You better not be lying to me, Arthur… you better not.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!
> 
> I’m really sorry about disappearing for a while, I just had a really weird couple of weeks where I didn’t feel motivated to do much. But I’m slowly writing and drawing again so that’s good.  
> I hope you are still interested in this story despite the long break :,( 
> 
> And I also hope you all enjoyed Christmas! ✨ 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy the capter and be aware that there’s graphic depictions of violence towards the end of the chapter. 
> 
> See you!

After Sean, one by one they all sheathed their guns. Even Bill, who reluctantly put away his pistol while glancing at Kieran with a frown. It wasn’t enough to take away all the tension in the air. Kieran feared most of all the explanations that would surely ensue. Explanations expected from him, no doubt, as in their eyes he was still nothing more than the outsider who had conveniently disappeared the same night their money had. Arthur could only shield him from their mistrust so much. He didn’t know what would happen, he was in no way ready or willing to share the whole story with either of them, and he feared that speaking vaguely of Micah’s abuse wouldn’t be enough to earn their trust. 

Involuntarily, Kieran held his breath as he watched Sean approach a somewhat broken-looking Micah. Kieran and Arthur gave each other a tense look, seemingly sharing the same concerns over Sean possibly approaching their prisoner to set him free. But neither of them reached for their guns again. Behind them, Bill looked on with confusion. To their surprise and their relief, Sean just crouched and stared at Micah’s bruised and bloodied face. Though tired and hurt, Micah found enough energy to give Sean a piercing glare. His eyes saying everything his mouth couldn’t. Kieran felt a shiver run down his spine as he recognized that look as the silent promise of pain, one he was more than familiar with. Sean, on the other hand, seemed unfazed by Micah’s threat. The only reaction to seeing his face from so up close was just a raised eyebrow once he noticed the marks on Micah’s forehead.

“I’d like a bit more context to all this.” Sean said addressing Arthur, then pointed with his head at both Micah and Kieran. “Starting with these two. What did Micah do to make the O’Driscoll run away?”

“My name is Kieran.” He reminded him with a frown before thinking. If there was something Kieran truly hated, it was being called O’Driscoll. That name felt like it was cursed, considering everything that had happened ever since he got associated with them. Sean just squinted at him, but did not say anything about his complaint.

“Well, what did he do?” Sean repeated.

Now Kieran regretted having drawn attention towards him, especially with such a difficult question. There were just too many answers to it. Too many incidents. Most of them too humiliating to talk about in front of others. Plus, he wouldn’t even know where to start if he had to enlist every single thing Micah had done to him. And of course, there was the main reason why he had left. But he couldn’t say those words. They were too painful.

“He hit me almost every day… insulted me, and said he’d kill me just as often…” Kieran tried to explain. “He did this too, as he threatened to gut me…” 

Kieran pointed to the scar on his face, clearly feeling uncomfortable at the way Sean stared. He already felt insecure enough about it, now he irrationally felt as if the scar looked even worse than before. As if a whole chunk of his cheek was missing, making Kieran look deformed and unsettling. He forced himself to not look away though, and felt immense relief when Sean finally looked him in the eyes again.

“Right…” Sean nodded. “So why did he do all that?”

“Because he was bored, I guess. I figured that’s why others mistreated me too.” Kieran answered dryly. “I mean, what would it matter if he killed me, right? I was just the ‘O’Driscoll’. You didn’t need me, and you didn’t want me in your gang. You probably never would’ve noticed I was gone if Micah hadn’t stolen the money.”

Sean looked away for a moment. There was something on his face Kieran couldn’t quite recognize, maybe he was stupid for thinking it looked like guilt, but he couldn’t think of another word to describe his expression. Sean was quiet for a moment. He could only bring himself to look at Kieran for a brief moment before turning to look at Arthur.

“And Micah? How do you know he stole the money?”

Arthur glanced at Kieran, both sharing a hesitant look as they considered telling Sean and Bill about Kieran’s involvement with the theft. Arthur sighed and looked back at Sean, then started talking. Kieran felt as if he should be the one telling him about what he had done, but the whole thing gave him such an uneasy feeling. The money theft was what had led to his eventual rape, it was no surprise he didn’t feel comfortable talking about that either. But Arthur did a good job explaining the important details, while leaving out other hurtful ones. Sean and Bill listened attentively, and by the end of it, Kieran hoped they had changed their minds about him.

“That’s the truth. Kieran never betrayed us. He was used and lied to as much as we were.” Arthur finished. Kieran stared hard into the ground as he anxiously waited to hear what Sean and Bill thought about it. Silently hoping that in case they did not trust him, they would hurt just him and not Arthur, though he wasn’t too worried about that. Arthur was family to them. 

A few seconds passed agonizingly slow but eventually, Sean spoke again.

“Alright, we’ll interrogate Micah.” 

“And what about him?” Bill interrupted, pointing at Kieran. 

“What about him?” Sean raised an eyebrow.

“The gang is still after the O’Driscoll. What’s Dutch going to say if he finds out we’re all here with him? We’ll all look like traitors!” 

“We’re pretty far from camp for him to find out. We should hurry up finding our money in any case. Dutch might be more willing to forgive us for not bringing him Kieran if we give him the money back.” Bill frowned at Sean’s words but did not continue arguing, though he did give Kieran a few hateful looks which didn’t go unnoticed. “Are you guys really sure he knows where it is?” Sean asked.

“He knows. The thing is, we have yet to see whether he’ll tell us before or after we beat him to a pulp.” Arthur said, giving Micah a cold look. 

“Looks like you’ve been doing that already.” Sean snorted. 

“Not enough it seems.” Kieran added. “He hasn’t told us much yet.”

“He will, eventually. Let’s leave him to freeze and starve for the night. He might be more willing to talk in the morning.” Micah groaned in response but was ignored by all.

“Why don’t we set up a fire, haven’t you been freezing without one?” Sean asked while rubbing his arms up and down.

“Yeah, but we didn’t want to draw attention. Guess we freezed for nothing.” Arthur sighed and looked at Bill, still frowning and grumbling to himself. “C’mon Bill, let’s go get some firewood.”

Bill grumbled some more but followed anyway, he knew there was no point in arguing. Kieran opened his mouth to say something as they started walking away, but thought better of it, he didn’t like the idea of Arthur leaving him with Sean and Micah, but he didn’t want anyone to think he was a needy and scared little boy that desperately needed Arthur’s company. Even if at times he did feel like that.

As if sensing his concern, Arthur glanced at him, and upon seeing the look on Kieran’s face, he stopped for a moment. 

“I’ll be nearby.” Arthur reassured him, his voice changing to an unusually soft tone both Sean and Bill hadn’t really heard before. It was a sweet gesture that made Kieran feel a bit better, it also made heat rise to his cheeks.

Now he actually wished Arthur would go away quickly before Bill and Sean noticed his reaction and started connecting the dots. He couldn’t think of something more inconvenient as them finding out about his and Arthur’s… whatever it is they had. He cleared his throat awkwardly and nodded as Arthur and Bill walked away into the trees.

“Huh.” Sean said pensive, sitting down against a tree and pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. Kieran just stared ahead and tried to ignore him as best as he could, feeling glad for how quiet Sean was, considering how much of a chatterbox he usually is. Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. “I won’t hurt you, O’Driscoll. You can sit.”

“I’m fine. And stop calling me O’Driscoll.” Kieran grumbled. Sean snorted and took a few drags of his cigarette before speaking again.

“So where were you hiding all this time? We did quite the manhunt for you.”

“Anywhere I could, with you and the O’Driscolls after me, it hasn’t been particularly easy.”

“I gotta give it to you, I thought we’d find you laying in a ditch somewhere with your own balls stuffed in your mouth.” Kieran frowned and glanced over his shoulder at Sean with disgust. “What? It sounds like something Colm would do.” Kieran wasn’t particularly interested in continuing that conversation, so he said nothing and kept staring at the trees, impatiently waiting for Arthur’s return. “So, are you trying to go back to the gang? Earn our forgiveness?” Sean asked after another long silence. 

“I don’t really care about that. I just want to help Arthur.”

“Seems like an awful lot of risk for you just to help him. I didn’t know you cared so much about him…”

“He spared my life.” Kieran explained. “He was the only one that found me while I was hiding. And after that he continuously helped me survive. He helped me avoid the O’Driscolls and you. I owe him.”

Sean hummed, took a drag of his cigarette, then spoke again. “Guess I didn’t know he cared so much about you.”

Kieran turned around and gave no further comments, Sean thankfully asked no more questions and both waited for the other two in relatively comfortable silence. Upon their arrival, Arthur and Kieran lit up the fire and they all sat around it to cook a couple of rabbits they had hunted earlier. Sean and Arthur had no trouble starting a friendly conversation and lost track of time like that, while Kieran ate in silence, and Bill grumbled to himself while drinking. Arthur did try to include Kieran in their conversation but Kieran wasn’t really in the mood for it, though he appreciated the effort. When it got late, Kieran decided to watch the camp, leaving the others to lay in their bedrolls as Kieran stood a few steps away with his rifle, staring into the darkness. Just five minutes passed before he heard the distinctive sound of Arthur’s snores coming from the main fire. He wasn’t surprised, Arthur seemed as tired as him. He deserved to rest, so Kieran mentally prepared himself to spend the rest of the night watching their camp. 

He hadn’t heard anything else but Arthur’s snores for a while, so he assumed that Sean and Bill were already asleep too, or trying to get there. He was surprised by the sound of Bill’s voice, talking quietly to Sean.

“I still don’t trust the O’Driscoll.” Bill whispered, completely unaware that Kieran could still hear him from where he was standing. Kieran rolled his eyes and tried to ignore him, thinking about how much he would have preferred to not have run into them.

“Can’t you go the fuck to sleep?” Sean grumbled from his bedroll. 

“Don’t you find him suspicious at all?"

“I did, but what he said makes sense. Plus, Arthur trusts him. It must be for good reason.” Sean grumbled, shifting uncomfortably. 

“I can trust Arthur, but him?”

Kieran waited for Sean’s answer, there was none. He wondered if it was a bad sign, then he eventually settled down into thinking that Sean was probably just trying to ignore Bill to get some sleep. He allowed himself to relax, it seemed like that was the end of the conversation, but then Bill spoke again.

“Apparently him and Micah fucked, who knows what other things they have been doing behind our backs… “

The sound of footsteps made both Bill and Sean look up. In a second, Kieran was stomping in their direction, his expression dark and murderous as he laid his eyes on Bill, who staggered to his feet. 

“Kieran-“ Sean called, only to be ignored as Kieran reached directly for Bill’s throat, despite him being slightly taller than him.

“I did no such thing, don’t ever say that again!” Kieran yelled in Bill’s face, not caring about Bill’s attempts at trying to push him away. The commotion quickly woke Arthur up, and upon seeing what was happening he stood up and rushed towards them. Behind them, Micah too woke up, staring at everyone with confusion.

“Kieran, what’s going on?!!” Arthur called, wrapping his arms around Kieran’s torso and trying to pull him away as Sean tried to pry his hands away from Bill’s throat. Finally, Kieran let go but did not stop kicking and clawing at the air. Bill coughed and panted before frowning and yelling at him.

“What? Is it a secret? You fucked him!” Bill yelled, only resulting in angering Kieran further. In that moment, it seemed to dawn on Micah what was happening and what the discussion was about. He had been the one to tell Bill that, after all. And though the gag was still in his mouth he could still laugh, making everyone turn their heads in his direction. The few seconds of silence that followed gave everyone the feeling that something bad was about to happen. 

Though smaller and thinner, restraining Kieran from gouging Micah’s eyes out proved a challenge for Arthur who still struggled to understand the situation. Protecting Micah wasn’t his priority, but he was more concerned about Kieran’s state at the moment, so he tried as best as he could to talk him down and keep him away from them while Sean did the same with Bill.

“Hey, look at me. Kieran!” Arthur tried uselessly to get his attention, all Kieran could do was glare at Micah and try to reach for his gun which Arthur prevented him from doing by pinning his arms away from it.

“I never did that! Don’t ever say that again!” Kieran yelled at Micah with pure hatred. “You won’t be laughing anymore when I rip your fucking balls off!”

A peaceful night had been turned into utter chaos by a couple of words and Sean was tired of it. He turned to Bill, shoved him backwards and away from Kieran.

“Why would you say that?” Sean asked Bill with a frown. “You’re just making shit up and for what?”

“It’s true, Micah told me!”

“Oh and you just believed him?!” Sean yelled back. Bill said nothing, just frowned and looked away as it started to dawn on him just how stupid it sounded. “Look at him, you idiot! Who would fuck that piece of shit?” Micah’s laughter died in a second. 

“I… he…” 

“Now, you want us to tie you up there with him?” Sean threatened.

“No…” Bill grumbled.

“Then shut up! Stop repeating whatever shit he told you!”

Kieran panted heavily, feeling his blood still boiling in his veins, but watching Sean stand up for him somehow managed to calm him down a little. At least enough to stop fighting Arthur, as a result, Arthur loosened up his grasp on him and cupped his cheeks to look at him.

“Hey, let’s go for a walk, hm?” Arthur tried.

“Fuck that. He’s going to talk now.” Kieran pushed Arthur’s hands away and walked towards Micah who was now unsurprisingly completely silent. Nobody tried to stop him this time as he crouched in front of him and started unbuckling Micah’s belt. Micah made a distressed sound as he looked at the other three in hopes they would stop Kieran again, but they just sighed and shuddered as they realized what Kieran was going to do. Along with his pants, Micah’s underwear was pulled down and for the first time it was him who looked at Kieran with fear. 

Kieran carefully removed the gag from Micah’s mouth and stared coldly for a moment before asking.

“The gang’s money, where is it?”

Micah opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. A drop of sweat slid down his forehead, and he swallowed nervously. Making Kieran wait proved to be a mistake this time around, as he immediately reached for Micah’s balls, pulling on them with one hand as he unsheathed his knife with the other.

“No! No! Wait! I’ll t-“ Kieran beggan to cut, slicing slowly and mercilessly until Micah’s testicle hung from his crotch by a thin piece of skin. The others could only try their best to look without flinching. “FUCK! STOP! STOP! I SAID I’LL TELL YOU!”

Kieran stopped and looked at Micah expectantly, giving him another glare as the man cried and groaned in pain.

“Ra… Radley’s Pasture… it’s still there…” Micah cried. “But I moved it, the box isn't in the ground…”

“Then where?” Kieran looked expectantly and since Micah only cried and groaned in pain, he reached to cut the rest of Micah’s testicle pulling it to rip the small piece of skin it was attached to. Micah’s scream sent shivers down everyone’s spines but Kieran’s. Once he was done, he simply reached behind him and threw it on the fire, then calmly crouched in front of him again. “You still have another one. And a dick.” Kieran threatened.

“It’s in a hole in a tree… you son of a bitch… it’s in a fucking tree. Near the place where we used to hide it, remember?” Micah panted.

“I don't remember. I haven’t been there in a while, you’ll have to show us. It’ll be easier to find it. Will you show us?”

Micah slowly looked up, with sweat and tears covering his face. He glared at Kieran and spat on his face. “I should have shoved my gun in your ass instead and blew your guts out from the inside.” Micah grumbled. 

Kieran wiped his spit off his cheek and reached for Micah’s remaining testicle, this time ripping it off with his own hands, then as Micah continued screaming he grabbed his knife and cut off his dick too. Then stood up and tossed those two also in the fire. 

After a moment he turned to Sean, Bill and Arthur with a blank stare. 

“Get some rest, we’re going back to Lemoyne in the morning.” Kieran said calmly as they looked at him in shock, still not quite done processing what he had just done. Certainly not something they ever expected to see the O'Driscoll do. Arthur approached carefully, glancing at Micah over Kieran’s shoulder.

“I don’t think he’ll make it. He might bleed to death before we get there.”

Kieran nodded then crouched next to the fire, wiping his bloody knife in an old rag before holding it over the flames. His gaze lost within them, but his eyes watering just a little as he fought the memories, the anger and the shame that made them show up.

“Then let’s make sure he doesn’t.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, sorry for the delay again. I hope you enjoy this new chapter. As always, thank you for reading!

The following day seemed perfect for their travel back home. It was sunny and beautiful, marking the contrast with everyone’s general mood. Riding at the back was Bill, who had remained completely silent ever since he had watched Kieran castrate Micah. He hadn’t talked about his suspicions about Kieran, he hardly even looked his way now. Arthur was just glad that he didn’t seem willing to start another fight, and he even found it a bit amusing whenever he caught Bill looking at Micah and shuddering at the memories of Kieran and his knife.

Sean rode in the middle, just as quiet as Bill, but not as disturbed. He seemed lost in his thoughts most of the time, which was uncharacteristic of him. Behind his saddle, Micah’s body was draped like a sack of potatoes. The slow and painful process of cauterization proved to be too much for him, making him faint and causing him to remain unconscious ever since. Thankfully, he hadn’t lost too much blood, so they were positive he would wake up by the time they made it back to Lemoyne.

Kieran rode with Arthur at the front, with him sitting behind Arthur, his arms wrapped tightly around his body as to not fall, but Arthur suspected that the way Kieran squeezed him was meant to bring him comfort. Arthur didn’t mind, he wanted Kieran to feel better. If he wasn’t feeling well to begin with. It was hard to read Kieran. They hadn’t talked after what he had done. As soon as Kieran stopped Micah’s bleeding, he poured some water on his hands, washed the blood off of them, then took his rifle and continued keeping guard on their camp as if nothing had happened. Arthur tried to talk to him, only for Kieran to quietly ask him to go back to sleep. 

Arthur had tried to talk to him in the morning again, but Kieran continuously avoided it by telling him to get ready to leave. Now they were almost to Emerald Ranch to retrieve Kieran’s horse, Bran. Nearly two hours into their trip, and they still hadn’t spoken a word about the incident. Kieran didn’t seem affected by it, but Arthur knew better now. He had seen him pretend to be ok enough times to know this wasn’t any different. They needed to talk.

“There you go, safe and sound, just as promised.” The chubby man in charge of the stables smiled as he handed over the reins of Bran to Kieran. Kieran smiled at his horse and petted him.

“Hello, friend. I missed you.” Kieran said to Bran, then turned to the man. “Thank you, sir. Bran seems to have enjoyed his time here.”

“That’s a good horse.” The man said. “By the way, did I mention we offer a really good maintenance service too?”

“Thank you, but that’ll be all for now.” Kieran thanked him and mounted his horse, bringing it outside where the others waited.

“Are we in a rush to get to Lemoyne?” Sean asked as they rode out of the ranch.

“Sort of, we’re just hoping Micah will make it there alive. Why?” Arthur answered.

“How about we take a break? I can barely feel my ass.” 

Arthur looked uncertainly at Kieran, who shrugged and nodded. 

“Sure, he should be fine. And I need a break too.”

They found a nice little clearing near a river on the outskirts of the ranch. They dismounted and sat under the shadow of some trees, while Arthur guided the horses to the river so they could drink.  
He couldn’t help but continuously glance their way, he still didn’t know exactly what had started the fight the previous night, and he feared another one would start any moment. But Bill kept to himself, as did Kieran. Sitting awkwardly in the middle of them was Sean, who after a moment got up and offered something to Kieran. Kieran seemed to hesitate, but reached for what looked like a cigarette, then surprisingly, Sean gave him the whole box. Kieran put one in his mouth and stood up, walking away from them towards a more secluded spot. Arthur wasn’t sure if that was something bad, so he hitched the horses and followed after him.

“Hey.” Arthur said to let his presence be known. Kieran glanced over his shoulder for a moment before turning back to stare at the river. Arthur sighed. He didn’t know how to start, so instead he looked into his bag, pulled out a small paper bag, and stepped closer. “You want some?”

Kieran looked up at the small bag of candy Arthur shook in front of him. He blew out the smoke and shook his head.

“I have some chocolate bars too. Probably a bit melted, but still good.” Arthur offered. Kieran smiled just a little, almost imperceptible, but it gave Arthur hope. 

“I didn’t know you had a sweet tooth.” Kieran said.

“I don’t. I mostly buy them for Jack. But I have to be sneaky about it, Abigail doesn’t want me feeding him sweets all the time.” Arthur explained. Kieran hummed in response, taking another drag of his cigarette. “I thought you’d like them, but it seems Sean here already knows you better than me with just a few hours of shared travel.” Arthur said, pointing at the box of cigarettes with his head.

“He’s been acting kinder to me. Well, kind for him. I’m not sure if I scared him into acting like that.” 

“Don’t think so. He seems more guilty than scared if anything. Bill, on the other hand, he seems to shit his pants a little every time he looks at you.” Arthur joked but Kieran didn’t laugh or even smile. Arthur sighed. “What’s going on?”

“What do you mean?” Kieran answered a bit forcefully.

“I mean you don’t seem alright ever since interrogating Micah, and you haven’t talked to me either. I still don’t even know what happened exactly.”

Kieran looked away, seemingly uncomfortable by the statement. Arthur expected another dismissive answer, but instead, Kieran sighed and looked up.

“I don’t feel good about what I did.” Kieran finally confessed. Arthur knew what he meant, but he doesn't quite understand why Kieran felt guilty though. Arthur nodded anyway and tried to ask him a bit more about it. 

“You don’t think he deserved it?”

“He did.” Kieran mumbled. “But… I was so angry… I… I don’t know if you heard what he said but… I was furious, I couldn’t even think.”

“I don’t think I did. What happened?” 

“Well, it all started because I heard Bill whispering to Sean about how he still didn’t trust me. I ignored him, but then he told Sean that Micah and I… that we had sex. As in consensual sex. I didn’t know why he would say that, but I didn’t want him spreading lies about me. Then Micah started laughing, I knew it was him. I knew he had told Bill, and then Bill confirmed it. Who knows how many more people he told we had sex.” Kieran grumbled bitterly.

“That fucking… god, I’m going to kill him.” Arthur ran a hand down his face. 

“And then when I was interrogating him… he said…” Kieran paused. “He said he should have shoved his gun in…” Kieran huffed and took another drag of his cigarette.

“God, I’m so sorry, Kieran.” Arthur mumbled and rubbed his back soothingly. “But what’s the problem then? It sounds like what you did was more than justified.”

“Yeah, but… I don’t know, being so angry that you hurt people like that is not a nice feeling at all. I’ve never been so angry. It made me feel like I was the same kind of monster he is.”

“You could never be like him.” Arthur quickly reassured him. Kieran only looked down and Arthur held his hand to get his attention. “Micah didn't regret what he did to you for one second. That was something he did simply because he wanted to. You didn’t do that just because. He hurt you. Sure, it might’ve seemed like too much, but in Micah’s case he deserved it. He put you through so much, I can’t blame you for what you did.”

“You don’t think I’m a horrible person?” Kieran mumbled, purposely avoiding Arthur’s gaze.

“This one thing doesn’t define you, Kieran.” Arthur squeezed his hand. “And you can’t be as horrible as you think you are if you’re feeling guilty about it, which Micah doesn’t even deserve. If anything, I think you did the world a favor by cutting off his dick.”

Kieran snorted a little at that, breaking into a smile. Arthur smiled back and wrapped his arm around Kieran’s shoulders. 

“You have a kind heart, Kieran.” Arthur said after a moment, looking straight into Kieran’s tired eyes. “Maybe even too kind for your own good, but that’s honestly one of the things I like about you.”

Kieran smiled and put his head on Arthur’s shoulder. Arthur felt his heart flutter just at the contact, and he wished for a moment they were in different circumstances, in ones where they could stay like that all day, always that close. Although some of the tension had dissipated after that, Kieran still seemed lost in his thoughts, and after a long pause Arthur couldn’t help but ask him about it.

“That’s not all, is it?” Arthur asked quietly. He heard Kieran sigh as he shook his head just a little. 

“No.” Kieran paused. “I’m a bit worried about tomorrow when we make it to Radley’s Pasture.”

“Worried the money won’t be there anymore?”

Kieran said nothing. Arthur found it strange, but he didn’t press him for an immediate answer.

“Yeah, that too.” Kieran answered. “But that’s not it… it’s just that… uh, that’s… that’s where he raped me.” Kieran said like it physically hurt to use that word. Arthur’s eyes went wide. Radley’s Pasture was so close from their camp. So many of them could’ve helped him, and yet no one found out about the rape. 

“Shit.” Arthur said. “You don’t have to go, I'll make up an excuse. You can wait for us at Rhodes.” Arthur quickly suggested.

“It definitely won’t be pleasant, but it can’t be that bad right? I’ve already faced Micah, and that was probably the worst of it.” Kieran tried to reassure himself. 

“It doesn’t matter, you don’t have to inflict yourself unnecessary pain.” 

“I think I can do it though, plus I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was too scared to go.” Kieran said, reaching for Arthur’s hand and squeezing it just a little. “And if you’re there with me, I think I'll be fine.”

Arthur sighed and squeezed his hand back. 

“Are you sure?”

Kieran nodded. 

—————————————————————

A couple of hours into their trip, Micah woke up. Groaning in pain and cursing them out until he ran out of energy, which happened unsurprisingly quickly. After that, he didn’t say a word for a long time. He didn’t really have anything else to say, he seemed to have realized no matter what he said, there was no way to get back what Kieran had taken. A somewhat fitting exchange, Arthur thought, though he suspected Kieran’s emotional scar was far more painful that Micah’s. He didn’t care about him anyway, Kieran’s pain would always be more important to him than Micah’s so he decided to ignore those thoughts and focus on the long road ahead of them.

The hours passed, and the mountains around them turned into swamps, and the cold air that chilled them to their bones turned into the familiar humid warm air of the south. Most of them lost a few layers along the way and rolled their sleeves up, except for Kieran who kept his shirt buttoned all the way to his wrists. He looked sweaty and a bit uncomfortable, but he still refused to roll them up. Arthur understood, so he didn’t point it out, and instead just tried to offer him enough water throughout their trip. 

The town of Rhodes came into view a few hours later, and Arthur let out an anxious sigh. They were so close to their destination, and now he knew the awful truth about it. If he could have his way, he would make sure Kieran didn’t have to go anywhere near that place, but Kieran seemed determined. Maybe Arthur was protecting him too much, but then again, he had seen Kieran hurt so badly before. He didn’t want him to go there and remember everything. 

Arthur spent so much time worrying over Kieran, he almost forgot why they were going there in the first place. He was only aware they had finally arrived when suddenly, Sean stopped his horse and dismounted behind a line of trees, the others followed and gathered around him as he picked up Micah and dropped him on the ground with a loud thud.

“Well? Where is it?” Sean asked harshly while dragging Micah to his feet.

“Go fuck yourself.” Micah growled. Sean seemed already too tired to deal with him so he immediately punched him and repeated his question. Micah coughed and glared at him, but he pointed to the trees with his head. They followed Sean and Micah, and Arthur glanced at Kieran, just to check up on him. His posture was all tense, his hands balled into fists and his eyes staring at the ground at all times. Kieran felt him staring and looked up, immediately trying to compose himself and he even gave Arthur a little fake smile. Arthur walked over and gave him a little pat on the back and kept his hand there for a moment as they followed the others. 

“We don’t have all day, where the fuck is our money?” Sean asked irritated again. 

Micah looked around with a frown, staring up at all the trees around him. Arthur only hoped he remembered easily so they could leave soon. He locked eyes with Micah for a moment, both giving each other a glare and then Micah’s eyes turned on Kieran’s direction and he started walking towards him. Before Arthur could put himself between Kieran and Micah, Kieran had already pulled out his gun, but Micah just walked past him and pointed with his bound hands to the tree behind him. Kieran took a step away, letting out a shaky breath.

On the back of the tree there was a hole where Sean stuck his hand and pulled out a paper bag, with stacks of money and all the other valuable things the gang had gathered in the last couple of months. It was quite a heavy bag. 

“Well, there you have it. You should untie me now.” Micah said as Sean passed the bag to Arthur to check if everything was there.

“Untie you?” Sean huffed and laughed.

Arthur counted quietly as the others looked on patiently, finally, he nodded and handed the bag back to Sean.

“Yeah, the rest of the money is here. Nothing’s missing.”

“As I promised.” Micah said. “Now, just untie me and you’ll never hear from me again.”

“Oh, you really think it’s going to be that easy, don’t you?” Arthur mocked him. “Dutch is going to want to hear about this, it’ll be even better if it comes from your own lips. And if you don’t want to talk, just remember you still got a lot to lose. A lot more body parts, to be specific.” Arthur threatened.

“Oh you son of a-!”

“Bill, gag him and put him back on the horse will ya?” Arthur asked.

“Sure.” 

“You can’t do this! I’ll fucking kill you, Morgan! I’ll kill you all!” 

Bill shoved the gag back in Micah’s mouth and tied it tightly behind his head as he continued to angrily groan and scream, then grabbed him and threw him over his shoulder.

“If I were you, I'd start practicing my confession.” Bill said with a chuckle as he walked away.

Knowing how Kieran felt about being there, Arthur started walking after Bill so they could finally leave, but the sound of Sean’s voice stopped them.

“You were right. Both of you. I… I, uh… sorry I didn’t believe you at first.” Sean mumbled shyly, it was a strange sight to both Arthur and Kieran. “Especially you, Kieran.”

“I understand. With the way things looked, I would’ve had my doubts too.” Kieran shrugged. 

“And I’m sorry that son of a bitch did all that to you. Maybe I didn’t like you much back then, but I wish you hadn’t had to go through all that. And I know I had a hand in it too, and I regret it.”

“I… that’s nice of you to say, Sean. Thanks.” Kieran said. Sean nodded and they both just stood there awkwardly so Arthur cleared his throat.

“Well, I never thought I’d see you act mature, Sean. Maybe there’s still hope for you, after all.” Arthur joked and started walking again, Sean and Kieran following him out of the woods.

“Oh fuck off, english man.”

“And there goes my hope.”

Arthur glanced at Kieran, and this time he had a genuine little smile on his face.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your patience, I'm sorry it took so long. I really hope you enjoy the chapter!

Now that they were done looking for the money, It felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off of Kieran’s shoulders. It meant Arthur was closer to safety, and that brought some peace to Kieran's soul, even if he was anxious about the next steps. 

“Well, what’s the plan now?” Bill asked, as if reading Kieran’s mind once he saw them approach. He was leaning on a tree and ignoring Micah’s groans and muffled cursing.

“We’re taking the money back to camp and we’ll explain this whole mess.” Arthur said.

“Fine, then let’s get going.” Bill nodded and mounted his horse. The others followed his lead and trotted back to the main road. Kieran wasn’t so sure about the plan. He couldn’t stop thinking that perhaps now that they had found the money, his responsibility had ended and he should go his own way, or wait for Arthur somewhere. Surely, they wouldn’t need him there to explain what had happened...

“So, Kieran, are you staying once this is all dealt with?” Sean asked all of a sudden, catching him off guard, not only because he was distracted, but because Sean calling him by his name was still something new to him. 

“I don’t know.” Kieran answered honestly. “Would I even be allowed to?”

“I think you will. Once we give the money back and Micah confesses, I’m sure Dutch and the others will understand.” Sean stared at him expectantly, but Kieran didn’t say a word after that. “Do you want to stay?”

Kieran remained quiet, staring down at the reins in his hands as they rode closer and closer to Clemens Point. The truth is, he hadn’t given it much thought. Arthur had offered once before, and Kieran had completely refused. But that was because Micah would still be there, free to hurt him again. Sure, things could be different now that they had caught Micah, but there was still something about going back to that camp that made Kieran anxious and hesitant to answer. He didn’t feel ready to make a decision right there, not while Arthur stared at him with a hopeful look on his face.

“Things would be different, you know?” Arthur said after a moment. 

“Would they really? You really think Dutch would forgive me? And the others?” Kieran asked skeptically. He knew damn well he was just trying to avoid answering Sean’s question.

“I think it’s a fact that Micah won’t be staying, right?” Arthur asked the other two. Sean nodded confidently, Bill shrugged uninterested. 

“Yeah, Dutch doesn’t like traitors much.” Sean reassured him. 

“And you Bill? Do you have intentions of bothering Kieran again?” Arthur asked with a stern look.

“No…” Bill answered with a frown. Though he seemed annoyed, it sounded more or less sincere to Kieran. 

Still, Kieran wasn’t sure if that would be enough to make him want to stay. He kept avoiding looking in Arthur's direction. He knew what Arthur wanted, and Kieran felt guilty for not knowing if he wanted the same as him. It was hard to decide. Arthur meant so much to him and he wanted to be with him. But Micah wasn’t the only thing that had affected him, it was in that gang where he had felt the loneliest and saddest he had ever been. He was terrified of going back and feeling as suffocated by the memories as he was in Radley’s Pasture. But then again, Kieran was also afraid of breaking Arthur’s heart, especially after everything he had done for him.

“Let’s just go talk to Dutch…” Kieran mumbled.

Though faint, Kieran could hear a little sigh escape from Arthur’s lips. He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the trip.

In just five minutes their horses made it to the little trail leading up to their camp in Clemens Point. Kieran’s hands did not stop sweating the whole time, and his stomach churned relentlessly as anxiety took hold of him. He heard someone telling them to stop, John, it seemed. Arthur let their presence be known and John answered in a more friendly tone. That is until he saw Kieran riding along them and Micah tied up on the back of Bill’s horse.

“What the…?” John trailed off.

“We have to talk to Dutch, ok?” Arthur said.

“Uh… sure. Go ahead then.”

The moment they made it to the hitching posts, Kieran felt like he wanted to run away. Everyone was staring, well, everyone who was around at that moment, it still felt like an intimidating crowd. The reactions were a mixture of surprise, confusion and distrust. Javier eyed him suspiciously, Sadie glared threateningly. He tried to remain calm, but his hands were shaking. He felt like the whole camp saw him for what Micah painted him to be: a traitor, a thief, a backstabbing son of a bitch that had no business back in their camp unless he was brought back as a rotting trophy. He hated to admit it, but he was scared. Then he saw his horse.

Branwen was tied up to one of the hitching posts at the other side of the camp, beside her, Lenny crouched and picked up some hay with his hand and held it up to her muzzle, trying to get her to eat. Kieran stared, he wanted to run up to her, to hug her. That horse was one of the best and only friends he had back then and he had missed her terribly. But he couldn’t just abandon everything, as much as he wanted to. They had gone there to talk with Dutch, make things clear, and watch Micah confess his betrayal. He would ask to see Branwen later, he would beg if he had to. But for now, at least seeing she was still there and being taken care of, managed to help him cope better with the whole situation.

“There you are, Arthur! We’re...” Dutch stepped out of his tent with a smile that slowly faded away as he noticed Kieran standing behind Arthur, and Micah tied up over Bill’s shoulder. “What’s the meaning of this?”

Instead of answering, Arthur walked up to Dutch and handed him the heavy bag of money. Dutch took one glance inside and his eyes went wide.

“Is this…?” Dutch asked astonished.

“Yeah. We got it all back, and Kieran didn’t have it.”

“Mmmphh!!” Micah groaned through the gag. 

“What? How…? Why…?”

“Let’s talk, hm?” Arthur asked.

“Very well, come.” Dutch said and led them to a more secluded spot of camp. At Arthur’s request, Bill and Sean stayed behind to tie Micah up somewhere to wait for them. Kieran still felt incredibly nervous about what would happen. Even if he wasn’t guilty, he still feared things could somehow turn against him once more. He has never had the best of luck, after all. They stopped behind one of the carts they used to pick up supplies, and coincidentally, Hosea walked past them, seemingly back from his guarding shift. 

“Ah! Hosea, come. I think you need to be here for this.” Dutch called, stopping Hosea in his tracks. Upon seeing Arthur, Hosea smiled and approached to greet him but his expression turned into one of confusion as he noticed Kieran practically hiding behind his adoptive son. Dutch cleared his throat and Kieran stepped from behind him a little, trying to remain calm.

“What’s this about?” Hosea asked confused.

“We’re here to clear some things up.” Arthur answered and Hosea nodded, still a bit confused but willing to listen. 

“Well, Mr Duffy, I didn’t think we’d see you again here.” Dutch started.

Kieran looked down, fidgeting with his hands as he tried to keep his voice steady.

“If I’m honest sir, I never thought I’d come back either.”

“Why the insistence on staying away if you had nothing to do with all of this?”

“Dutch…” Hosea called, in a subtle attempt to try to make him go easy on Kieran. He could see Kieran’s shaking hands without even trying. Dutch glanced at Hosea and then back at Kieran. He stared expectantly for a few seconds before Arthur opened his mouth to answer on Kieran’s behalf, but Kieran spoke first.

“I had something to do with it.” Kieran admitted in a shaky voice. Dutch frowned, and it only made Kieran’s heart beat faster but he continued anyway. “Only I didn’t know back then. Not until I was miles away from this camp.”

“What do you mean?”

“I stole the money for Micah, against my will. He lied to me and manipulated me to help him. I never wanted to. Even if he made me think the money was somebody else’s.”

“Why didn’t you refuse if you didn’t want to?”

Kieran swallowed uncomfortably. The wording of the question leaving a bad taste in his mouth but he pushed himself to continue speaking. 

“I tried to. It didn’t go well. Then I was too scared to try again.” Kieran expected Dutch to snort and laugh at him, but instead, he nodded understandably. Maybe he was already aware of how much Micah used to abuse and bully Kieran, maybe he had seen it himself.

“Is that why you left the camp altogether?”

Kieran nodded, wishing badly the conversation would be over soon. Dutch paused for a moment before asking another question. 

“Where did you take the money from?”

“The abandoned church near Bolger Glade.”

Dutch sighed and mumbled something under his breath. Something that sounded like the words ‘damn’ and ‘Micah’.

“So he followed you…” Hosea said to Dutch. Dutch shook his head and with a shameful look on his face he turned to Hosea.

“No, he didn’t… he… I… I made a mistake. I trusted him with the location of the money, only he would’ve known other than you and me…”

“Dutch…” Arthur said in disbelief.

“Are you serious?” Hosea frowned. “We agreed only we would know!”

“I know! But-“

“And you told Micah of all people!” Hosea continued yelling.

“I thought we could trust him!” Dutch tried to explain. “With the way things have been going, I figured something could happen to either of us or maybe both! I thought it would be a good idea to let somebody else know to help the gang. He seemed loyal enough, he would do anything I asked. The only reason I didn’t tell Arthur was because he spends almost as much time away from camp as Trelawny.”

“You can’t be fucking serious.” Arthur huffed. “We have been telling you for months he-”

“I know, I know!” Dutch sighed and ran a hand down his face. “I’m sorry. I am, really. It was stupid. It was a mistake.”

“You’re damn right it was stupid.” Arthur grumbled. “Why the hell weren’t you suspicious of him if nobody else but you three knew?

“Well, of course I would’ve been suspicious of him, but Kieran left the exact day the money disappeared.” Dutch explained. “It was an unfortunate coincidence, but can you really blame me for thinking it was him? Even you told me that at one point, Kieran was acting suspicious, leaving in the middle of the night.”

Arthur looked at Kieran ready to apologize for that, but Kieran shook his head and stopped him from doing so. He didn’t need an apology, he understood why Arthur had said that, and he didn’t hold it against him. Kieran then turned to Dutch.

“So… does this mean you believe me?” Kieran asked hesitantly. Dutch looked at him, only for a moment before he looked down at his feet and let out another sigh. Kieran didn’t know what to make of it.

“I do and… I… I’m so sorry. I…God, I almost had you killed for nothing, I’m really sorry, Kieran.” Dutch said sincerely. It was strange, Kieran definitely hadn’t expected things to go that well, but he was glad. He felt like he could breathe just a bit easier now. “And not just about the whole manhunt. I know we haven’t been exactly nice to you, even after proving yourself constantly.” 

“Well, I appreciate it…” 

“Is there anything else you want to say?” Hosea asked.

Kieran bit his lip. There was something he wanted to say, or needed, more like. It definitely wasn’t something easy to say, but he wanted to make sure they understood how bad Micah was. How far he could go, and hopefully, he could ensure he’d never be able to cause any more harm. It took him a few seconds but he made himself talk after taking a deep breath. 

“I don’t know what you’re planning to do with Micah now, but please take my advice and don’t let him anywhere near this camp again. Not for me. Do it for your family, especially for the women here… and Jack… well, anyone really. He’s a disgusting piece of shit. He should never be able to-“ Kieran stopped for a moment, taking a deep breath before his voice could break. After a moment, he felt Arthur’s hand gently squeezing his shoulder. “He should never be able to hurt people again.”

Hosea frowned and looked at Dutch who shared the same mixed expression of surprise and concern. 

“You mean he’s…?” Hosea asked carefully. 

Kieran blinked away tears, but in the end he couldn’t help but shed a few. Arthur had now an arm wrapped protectively over his shoulders and it helped just a little as Kieran felt his hands shaking even more.

“Yeah.” Kieran sniffled, not being able to say much more than that. He hoped they understood, it was hard enough trying to hint at what had happened to him, but it was necessary. No matter how they had treated him in the past, he wanted to warn them of how evil Micah could be. He didn’t wish his pain on any of them. Not that Micah could hurt them like that anymore, but he could still do awful things. The weeks of harassment Kieran went through were proof of it.

Hosea and Dutch looked at each other not exactly knowing what to say. They seemed to understand it was a delicate subject and didn’t want to pry, but they also didn’t want to seem indifferent to what Kieran had confessed. It was finally Dutch who took a step forward and looked at Kieran in the eye.

“Betraying us is bad enough, but that? We will never allow nor forgive something like that. He will never hurt anyone else, you have my word.”

Kieran nodded and wiped his tears on his sleeve as Arthur held him tightly. Both Dutch and Hosea seemed a little surprised by how close Arthur and Kieran seemed to be, but they didn’t ask or say anything about it. They knew it wasn’t the time.

“We’re really sorry, Kieran. I wish… God, I wish we could’ve done something.” Hosea added. 

“Yeah, me too.” Kieran mumbled. “It doesn’t matter anymore.” Kieran sniffled. They all stood in a bit of an awkward silence afterwards. Kieran hated it, and he was glad when Arthur changed the subject. 

“I guess now that all that’s cleared up, Kieran can come back to the gang if he wants, right?” Arthur asked Dutch and Hosea.

“Of course.” Dutch answered right away. “And I promise you, Kieran, this time you won’t be ‘the O’Driscoll’ no more. You’re one of us, if you’ll give us a second chance. If not… that’s perfectly understandable, and I promise you we will never bother you again. And you can have your horse back too, regardless of what you choose.”

Kieran looked at Arthur for a second and then down at his feet. 

“Can I think about it?” Kieran mumbled.

“Sure. I don’t know how long we’ll be around these parts, but if you make up your mind just come and let us know.” Dutch answered. Kieran nodded and didn’t look at Arthur. If he was disappointed in him, he didn’t want to see it, it would be too hard to face.

“Well, it’s time we deal with Micah. Would you like to stay around for it?” 

Arthur took one look at Kieran and then back at Duch and Hosea. “Can you give us a minute?” The two men nodded and told them they’d go check where the others had left Micah. As soon as they were gone, Kieran looked up at Arthur with tears in his eyes.

“Look, I- I just need to think about this. It’s too soon to-“ 

“Hey hey, breathe, it’s ok.” Arthur quickly reassured him, cupping his cheeks and wiping his tears with his calloused thumbs. “I’m not trying to convince you. Just wanted to check up on you.” A couple more tears fell from his eyes and Kieran buried his face in Arthur’s chest as he hugged him tightly. “Are you ok? I didn’t expect you to tell them about… you know.”

“I wasn’t planning to… but… I don’t know… I just…”

“It was really brave of you.”

“Don’t feel really brave right now.” Kieran mumbled into Arthur’s shirt. He felt Arthur kiss the top of his head, and Kieran couldn’t hold back a little smile. He finally looked up at him and Arthur kissed his lips too. 

“You're brave, Kieran. You really are.” 

Kieran smiled and hugged Arthur tightly, pressing his head to his chest and finding comfort in the warmth of his body. 

“You’re so good to me, Arthur… even if you are kind of a jerk sometimes.” Kieran joked.

Arthur chuckled, his chest shaking with laughter, making Kieran smile. 

“I’m not…” Arthur pretended to be offended.

“Yeah you are. So grumpy all the time.” Kieran let go and finished wiping his tears on his sleeve. He cleared his throat and blinked a couple of times to hopefully look decent again. “Listen, about the gang…”

“We can talk about that later. Like you said, you need time.”

“Thank you.” Kieran held Arthur’s hand and raised it to his lips, kissing his knuckles. Kieran couldn’t help but smile at the way Arthur seemed to get a little flustered by the small gesture. “Let’s go then, I can’t wait to be done with Micah.”

“That makes two of us.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I’m sorry again it took so long to update. These are scary times with the pandemic and all. I hope you are all safe and enjoying your time in quarantine if you get to stay home from school/work. 
> 
> Thank you again for continuing to read this story, I honestly never thought anyone would like it and I’m very happy every time I see your comments or kudos. Thank you!

Arthur and Kieran walked back to camp together, and as they got closer, they quickly spotted the place where Micah was likely being interrogated. Some of the other gang members were gathered in a circle, watching as Micah uselessly tried to talk his way out. Dutch had probably already explained the situation to the others, because they glared at Micah or stared with slightly amused expressions. Javier and Charles especially seemed to enjoy the show.

Arthur and Kieran stood closer, and by the look on Dutch’s face, it seemed he was about to execute Micah sooner than expected. Which was exactly what they were hoping for.

“You gotta listen to me!” Micah yelled and struggled in his bindings as hard as he could. It wasn’t nearly enough to break him free. He was tired, weak, and in still so much pain from his wounds. Still, he had a bit of hope he might be able to live to see the next day, so he kept pleading to Dutch.

“I think I've heard enough. I've been listening to your lies for months, and I’m sick of it. Everyone here is. And you don’t even have the decency to own up to what you’ve done.” Dutch growled. 

“I’ve done nothing wrong! It’s that son of a bitch, that fucking O’Driscoll who has managed to fool you all!”

“He’s not an ‘O’Driscoll’.” Dutch remarked with a frown. “And you should be ashamed that someone who used to associate with Colm is more trustworthy than you.”

Kieran could feel a few glances his way thanks to Dutch’s words. He was a bit uncomfortable, but at least the looks didn’t seem skeptical or threatening, just surprised or curious.

“After everything you’ve done, you owe us all at least a confession. Do it, and we will end this quickly. You know we have our ways to make people talk.” Dutch threatened, then turned to Bill. “Mr Williamson you still have those tongs, don’t you? You should go fetch them, I'm sure there’s something else we could rip off of him.”

Micah stared with wide eyes as Bill nodded and left to get the torture device.

“No! Stop! This isn’t right!” Micah yelled, struggling hard enough in his bindings to make his wrists bleed. Dutch glared at him and leaned down to whisper threateningly in his ear.

“What’s not right is what you did to that poor boy, you pig. I should have you mutilated, but I’m told Kieran already took care of it. But like I said, we’ll just have to make do.”

Micah stared into Dutch’s hateful eyes, and he finally seemed to realize he was beyond being able to talk his way out. And even if Dutch did let him go, the look on everyone else’s faces told him he wouldn’t get far anyway. Arthur seemed almost ready to jump him any second. Then Bill came back with the tongs.

“Fine…” Micah started, anxiously looking at Bill. “I did it… I stole the money.”

“And?” Arthur asked from behind the small crowd. Micah glared at him, swallowed and spoke through gritted teeth.

“I used Kieran to do it… I made it seem like it was him who took it.”

“Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Dutch straightened up and pulled his gun out of its holster, holding it up to point it at Micah’s head. Micah shut his eyes for a few seconds, taking a few deep breaths.

“You don’t have to do this Dutch… I’ll stay away… I promise.” Micah uselessly tried again.

“It’s over Micah. You don’t get to walk out of this.” Dutch cocked his gun and got ready to shoot, then blinked in realization. “Actually…” 

Arthur and Kieran frowned in confusion and concern, watching as Dutch turned to Kieran while extending the gun to him.

“Would you like to do it?” Dutch asked. Kieran stared at him in surprise, feeling the weight of everyone’s eyes on him. But he didn’t take the gun, he wasn’t interested, and at that point he wanted Micah gone more than he wanted him to suffer. He stared at Dutch and shook his head.

“Honestly, I don’t give a shit who does it.” Kieran answered. Dutch nodded and did not insist, he was about to turn back around when he felt a hand on his arm.

“In that case, I think I’d like to.” Arthur said, without taking his eyes off of Micah for a second. Micah and him glared at each other as Arthur lifted the gun. 

“Well, at least it was nice getting to f-“ Micah started with a smirk, one last attempt to get a raise out of Arthur but Arthur shot him on the shoulder before he could say another word. He wanted to make him scream one last time, and he did. Micah howled and squirmed in pain, dripping blood all over as he cursed him.

“Damn, I missed.” Arthur said flatly, then cocked the gun a second time. “Go to hell, Micah.” 

This time Micah had no answer, too distracted with the burning pain to even pay attention to what was being said to him. Suddenly, there was a second shot and just like that, Micah’s body went limp. He was finally dead.

“Should’ve done that a long time ago…” Hosea mumbled as he stared at Micah’s body.

“I agree.” Dutch said. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you guys more. Now, can somebody get rid of him? Drop him somewhere far from here.”

—————————————————————

Kieran waited for Arthur by the main fire, anxiously looking around as the other gang members walked past him. They all had gone back to work as usual after Micah’s execution and it barely seemed like anything had happened at all. He kept looking back towards Dutch’s tent, where Arthur was still talking to Dutch and Hosea. Kieran hoped Arthur would be done soon, he felt awkward and nervous sitting there alone. At least nobody was bothering him or bullying him like he expected. They just went on as usual with their day.

The camp hadn’t changed much since Kieran had left, just a couple of new decorations here and there, but for the most part it seemed as cluttered and disorganized as he remembered. He looked around, and his gaze couldn’t help but get stuck to some of the places where he had strong memories attached to them. Like the back of Pearson’s cart, where Micah used to harass him as he washed dishes or helped with the food, the poker table reminded him of the evening he was eating alone when Micah sat next to him and tried to grope him, finally, the boat wreckage by the river, that was another popular spot for beatings and threats, as well as many other countless places around camp...

Kieran shut his eyes closed and took a deep breath. Micah was gone. It was over, he couldn’t hurt him anymore. Kieran had to remind himself. It was all just memories now. Painful memories.

“Kieran.” A voice from behind called and Kieran flinched. Lenny was standing there holding a couple of carrots in his hands.

“Oh, uh, hi Lenny.” Kieran said awkwardly.

“I’m glad you’re back.” 

“You are?”

“Yeah, Branwen might want to eat again if she sees you. Been having a hard time with her, she seems really sad. Why don’t you come help me?”

Kieran was up before Lenny could even finish his sentence. He didn’t need to ask where she was and he almost tripped on his way there with how excited he was to see his horse again. Branwen spotted him right away, and she lifted her head and started nickering and snorting. 

“Hi!” Kieran smiled went straight to hug her as she sniffed him and snorted some more. “I missed you too!” Kieran felt so happy he could cry but instead he just kept petting her and feeding her the carrots Lenny had given him. She ate them right away.

“I hear Dutch is giving her back to you.” Lenny said with a smile. “I think it’s for the best, I was honestly starting to get very worried.”

“Thank you for looking after my horse… I know you didn’t do it for me but…” Kieran said shyly.

“It’s no problem.” Lenny smiled and gave Kieran a little pat on the shoulder. “You know, I didn’t really think you had betrayed us. Also thanks for helping bring back Micah by the way, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for someone to shoot that bastard.”

Kieran smiled a little back, not sure what to say next. So much kindness and acceptance still seemed strange to him. Thankfully, a more familiar face showed up, and Lenny politely left them alone.

“How’s the reunion going?” Arthur asked with a smile, reaching to pet Branwen too.

“Good. I missed her a lot.” Kieran smiled. “Hope she doesn’t get jealous when she finds out about Bran.”

“I think she’ll be alright.” Arthur chuckled then stared at Kieran until he looked at him again. Arthur seemed hesitant to say something, suddenly turning shy. “Hey uhm… I know it’s been a long day, but I… was thinking…”

“Yeah?” Kieran frowned in confusion.

“Do you want to hang out for a while? Just the two of us.” Arthur mumbled, cheeks turning red. “I just figured we deserve a break after all that and…spending time together would be nice. Plus we didn’t get to go fishing after last time.”

“Are you asking me out?” Kieran asked, fighting the smile spreading on his face. 

“It’s completely fine if you don’t want to, I guess you must be tired, you can take a nap in my tent, if you want. I’ll make sure nobody bothers you and-“

“Alright, we’re going fishing then?” Kieran smiled.

“If you want.” Arthur awkwardly cleared his throat.

Kieran smiled and nodded, mounting Branwen and following Arthur out of the camp. As they rode away they felt like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders, for the most part at least. Now Kieran got to spend time alone with Arthur like he had wanted the whole day, and because of that, he couldn’t stop glancing at Arthur with a fond little smile.

Their usual spot remained just as Kieran remembered, pretty and peaceful. And after casting their lines, they sat next to each other just like they used to, if only a bit closer. Now their thighs brushed a little, and Kieran could feel the hairs on Arthur’s forearm tickling his arm. 

“I’m so glad everything worked out in the end.” Arthur said.

“Me too.” Kieran said with a little sigh of relief. “What were you talking about with Dutch and Hosea by the way? Did they have any more questions for you?” 

“Uh, not really. I was just telling them about where I had been all this time, our trip here and all that. Nothing to worry about. I promise you’re free of suspicion.”

“Oh, good.” Kieran sighed. 

“What about you? Did you get to talk to the others? I saw you and Lenny together.”

“Uh, not really. Mary Beth did come to say hi, and Lenny was talking more about Branwen than anything. The others, uh… they didn’t seem interested.”

“Just give them time, they’ll warm up to you.”

“I guess…” Kieran shrugged. “Though I doubt they’ll like me anymore than they did before…”

“You should give them a chance. You never know. Look at us for example, did you ever think you and I would end up together?”

“Not really.” Kieran answered honestly. “There used to be a time when I thought you’d kill me once I had annoyed you enough.”

“I know…” Arthur sighed. “I’m so sorry I was so mean to you. I…I was kind of frustrated with myself, I knew I liked you but I didn’t want to accept it because you were ‘the O’Driscoll’ and all that crap… I’m also an idiot so that didn’t help much.”

“You’re not an idiot, and I already forgave you for all that.”

Kieran smiled and kissed Arthur’s cheek, loving the way Arthur broke into a smile at the contact. Somehow in that moment it felt like nothing had changed in all those weeks. Like this was what they had always been like. These moments with Arthur, the good ones, were the only ones Kieran cared about. All the misunderstandings and struggles between them were a thing of the past. He figured there was no point in dwelling on them when he was so happy with him now.

But after all those days on the run, it was no surprise Kieran still struggled to relax and let his guard down. He still felt like they were just taking another break before packing their bags and riding into the next mark on their map. It was strange, but Kieran kind of missed it. Certainly not the feeling of being chased around, but he liked the change in scenario, and even more so the time alone spent with Arthur. He felt comfortable and safe around him. Arthur wasn’t just his partner, he was the first friend Kieran had made in a long time. It was no surprise he wanted to be around him all the time, and to be just the two of them…

It was a problem, because he was falling for Arthur, and he still didn’t feel like he belonged in the gang. He still feared not being accepted or never getting to breathe easy again in that camp, surrounded by all those memories. Haunted by Micah’s ghost.

Now back in Rhodes, Kieran stared at Arthur with longing and doubt as they approached Rhodes Parlor House by the entrance of town. Kieran felt sure of his feelings for Arthur, but confused about everything else, especially about what he was supposed to do to start healing and be his own self again, to be someone Arthur would want to stay with… 

“I’ll go book us a bedroom while you hitch the horses.” Arthur said as he walked up the steps to the front door of the establishment. 

Kieran bit his lip and took the horses’ reins in his hand to tie them up. A bedroom. Arthur had suggested they spent the night in town. It was already late, and he said they deserved a nice comfy bed after the week they had had. There was no more to it, but Kieran felt the anxiety start to build up again for no reason. Maybe it was because of the couple in front of him walking into the hotel, kissing and touching, clearly aiming to do much more once inside.

Kieran shook his head and walked in, welcomed by the music and loud drunken conversations of the patrons there. Kieran wondered if they’d be able to get any sleep with so much noise. Some people stared at Kieran curiously, and he ignored them all to catch up with Arthur by the counter. 

“Thank you kindly sir, I assure you my uncle Nicholas will hear of this and be very appreciative of your kindness. Who knows, he might take you up as his business partner when he opens his next hotel.” Arthur chuckled and smiled as he turned to Kieran. “There you are, I got the room, let’s go.” 

“You have an uncle Nicholas?” Kieran asked quietly as they walked up the stairs. They had to squeeze their way through, as the couple he saw earlier was busy kissing on the hallway. 

“Of course not, I just fooled that guy into giving us the best room. It has its own bathroom and everything.” Arthur chuckled. “Looks like Hosea’s lessons are finally coming in handy.” 

The room was on the third floor, and once there, Arthur unlocked the door to their room and stepped aside to let Kieran in. The room certainly didn’t disappoint, everything looked fancy and clean and the room itself was very spacious. With a very comfy looking bed in the middle. A bed for two. Kieran let out a shaky breath as he noticed.

“So what do you think?” Arthur asked with a smile.

“It’s nice…” Kieran walked slowly, trying to distract himself with the details of the room, finally stopping to gaze out the window from which he could see the rest of the town.

“How about I fix you up a nice warm bath? God knows I could go for one myself.” Arthur offered.

“Sure, thank you.” Kieran mumbled. The room was surprisingly quiet, the noise downstairs barely reached the third floor and it was just distant noises in the night. He grazed with his hand the sheets, they were silky and soft and the bed was decorated with comfy looking cushions. If he had to describe it all with one word, it would be romantic. From the tapestry, to the lighting, every last detail made him think of lovers spending the night together there kissing and making love. He tried to think of him Arthur like that, and he quickly felt a shiver run down his spine. Not a good one. 

“The tub will be ready in a bit. They left a really nice bottle of wine there, do you want to have a drink while we wait?” Arthur offered as he walked back into the room. He stared at Kieran for a moment and raised his eyebrow. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure? You look… worried.”

Kieran opened his mouth to lie again, as he had grown so accustomed to these past few weeks, but he reconsidered. He was ashamed of his answer, but Arthur had already proved to be understanding enough. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if Kieran told him what was actually wrong. Plus, it didn’t sit well with Kieran to constantly lie to someone he was in a relationship with . Kieran turned and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his hands over his lap as he stared into the ground. Arthur left the bottle of wine on the dresser and sat next to him.

“Arthur, I can’t have sex.” Kieran finally confessed. “I- I wish I could… really, cause this is all perfect and… so are you, but… I can’t. I think about it, and it’s so scary. I wish I could do it for you.”

Arthur blinked in confusion, trying to figure out why Kieran was bringing up the subject out of nowhere. “Uh, ok… that’s- that’s perfectly fine.” Kieran just stared at the ground in shame, seemingly unsure of Arthur’s words. Arthur looked around and it finally seemed to click for him why Kieran was assuming they were going to have sex. “Kieran I know that. I don’t mind, we didn’t come here to have sex.”

“But it’s what couples do, isn’t it? To show their affection for each other… and I can’t even do that for you.”

“It’s not the only way, you do enough already.” Arthur reassured him while squeezing his hand. “And stop saying you need to do this or that for me, you don’t have to do anything to please me.”

“But isn’t it something you need?”

“No, I actually stopped having sex a long time ago. It’s just not that important to me. I promise you it’s not the end of the world if we don’t do it.”

“Ok…” Kieran sighed.

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Besides, I’m probably really bad at it, maybe it’s for the best we don’t.” Arthur joked, trying to cheer Kieran up. 

“I’m sure you’re not, you’re good at so many things. Even if you find it so hard to believe.” Kieran answered without hesitation. Arthur was taken aback for a moment, clearly not expecting to be the one being reassured. 

“I…that’s very sweet of you, Kieran.” Arthur smiled. “And like I said, don’t worry about the sex. It doesn’t change anything.”

“Yeah but… I just wish I could. It just feels like It’s one of the many things that are wrong with me. I wish we could have gotten together before I became… this.”

“You’re Kieran.” Arthur said. “That’s good enough.”

“A sadder and more pathetic Kieran, you mean.” Kieran corrected. “Somebody who you have to constantly reassure and pamper like a little kid just so I won’t break down every five minutes, which I end up doing anyway.” Kieran said bitterly.

“You’re being too hard on yourself.” Arthur wrapped his arm around Kieran’s shoulders, holding him closer as he started to see the first tears well up in Kieran’s eyes.

“I can’t have sex, I can’t sleep, I can’t spend time alone with you without ruining it with all this, and I don’t know if I can even take that fucking bath without trying to kill myself again because it’s so hard to look at my body.” Kieran said as he started crying, at times feeling like he was choking. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted, and now thanks to Micah, I’m just someone you’ll eventually grow tired of.”

Arthur felt a lump in his throat hearing the hurt in Kieran’s voice so he pulled him close and hugged him tightly. 

“I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’m so sorry for being this way.” 

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“You deserve better.” Kieran mumbled after a moment.

“Oh shut up.” Arthur kissed his cheek and rubbed his back. They stayed like that for a while, with Kieran slowly calming down. Arthur was about to say something else when he suddenly sat up straight. “Shit, the tub! Hang on.” 

Kieran snorted a little as Arthur rushed to the bathroom and Kieran heard him curse and rummage around, seemingly looking for towels or something to dry the floor with. Meanwhile, Kieran took his boots off, and put his hat and bag on the bedside table before climbing on the bed, sitting more comfortably with his legs crossed and fiddling with his sleeve as he waited for Arthur to come back. 

He felt embarrassed, he had let his emotions take over him again and he couldn’t stop thinking about how annoying he must be. He stupidly thought once Micah was gone, it would get easier to forget everything, and he was now coming to the scary realization that maybe this thing would haunt him forever.

“Well, I might need to go to reception later to ask for more towels.” Arthur said as he walked back into the room. 

“Are we gonna get kicked out?” 

“Probably, but we’ll be gone before they notice.” Arthur reassured him and sat down next to him. “So, where were we…?”

“I’m sorry about all that.” Kieran mumbled embarrassed. “You know what? Just forget it, I'll go get the towels.”

“Whoa, wait there.” Arthur stopped him. “I think we need to talk about this… it’s important. I think… I think maybe this relationship is putting too much pressure on you.” Arthur said hesitantly.

Kieran was quiet for a moment. He knew Arthur was right, he felt inadequate, not good enough. It wasn’t just about the sex. He felt like he was constantly failing at reciprocating Arthur’s affection and care.

“I just want to be stable enough that you don’t have to constantly comfort me and so that it doesn’t take up all of our time together.” Kieran mumbled. “I want to stop being so sad so I can pay more attention to you.” 

Arthur nodded and reached to hold Kieran’s hand, feeling the way it was slightly shaking.

“You know I have no problem being there for you when you need it. No matter how often you need me.” Arthur said softly. “But it’s probably for the best you focus on recovering. I’ll do what I can to help you… even if that means giving you a break from us. Just tell me what you need.”

“I’m so sorry…” Kieran blinked away tears. “The last thing I wanted was to hurt you…”

“It’s alright, just tell me.” Arthur smiled though he couldn’t deny he did feel sad. He hadn’t imagined he’d break up with Kieran so soon, but he understood, and he wanted nothing but to help him. 

“I… I don’t know if I can go back to the gang…even the smallest things remind me of what happened, and I have memories of Micah abusing me on every corner of that camp.” Kieran explained, the guilt keeping him from being able to look at Arthur in the eyes.

Though it didn’t come as a surprise, it was still sad to hear it. Arthur had a feeling, ever since Sean had asked Kieran about going back. Somehow he already knew Kieran would refuse, and he couldn’t blame him, at least he had tried his best to let Kieran know he would be welcome if he changed his mind.

“Alright, I understand. But where would you go? I’m planning to continue checking up on you as much as I can.”

“Well… I was thinking maybe I could try Emerald ranch. Maybe I could find work there. If not… I guess I'll just keep looking.”

Arthur frowned at the idea. What if he lost track of Kieran? What if he and the gang had to move again and they never got to see each other again?

“I don’t want by any means to try to control you or anything… but I’d like to know exactly where you plan to go, I don’t want you to just disappear.”

Kieran thought for a moment. “I guess I could write a letter to Mr Kilgore?” Kieran suggested, remembering that’s how others kept communication with the gang. 

“Kieran you don’t know how to write.” Arthur raised an eyebrow.

“Well I could ask someone to help me!”

Arthur didn’t seem convinced enough, but he figured it was better than nothing.

“Alright…” Arthur sighed. Then squeezed Kieran’s hand and looked at him. “This isn’t goodbye, is it?” He asked hesitantly.

“No, just need to figure out how to deal with this…” Kieran gave him a little sad smile. Arthur nodded and let out another sigh. Kieran looked at Arthur’s worried expression and felt his heart shatter just a bit more. He tried to tell himself it was for the best, and that it would be worth it in the long run. But in the moment, it hurt having to distance himself. Then an impulsive thought came to mind. “Arthur…”

“Mm?”

Kieran bit his lip, hesitant to ask something but he forced himself to say it. He figured it was worth the try. “When I go… would it be too selfish to ask you to come with me?” 

Arthur smiled a little and reached to cup Kieran’s cheek, brushing his thumb over the scar on Kieran’s face.

“After everything that’s happened, I think you’re allowed to be a little selfish.” Arthur’s soft smile slowly turned into a sad one, and the motion of his caress stopped too. “But I’m afraid I still couldn’t accept. Not now at least, they need me more than ever.”

Kieran looked down with a sad little smile of his own. He knew the kind of man Arthur was, loyal and caring. Part of the reasons why he had fallen for him in the first place. He expected nothing less of him, he expected no other answer but it still hurt to hear it. 

“That doesn’t mean I don’t love you as much as them.” Arthur added. 

Kieran’s eyes went wide and he stared at Arthur in awe as he felt the world and his heart stop for a few seconds.

“You… love me?”

“Definitely.” Arthur said without an ounce of doubt. “I mean, I thought you’d have figured it out by now…” Arthur let out a little nervous chuckle and he was cut off as Kieran tackled him with a hug. He was almost choking Arthur but it was fine, it was more than fine with him. Kieran started crying again and he looked at Arthur like he was the first good thing that had happened to him in a very long time. 

“I love you too.”


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for following this story, and a special thanks to Daovihi for making the editing of this chapter so hilarious. You guys have no idea. 
> 
> Next chapter will be here on Thursday!
> 
> See you!

Kieran’s face started to hurt after almost a whole minute of constant smiling. Telling Arthur he loved him felt almost as good as hearing it from him. How could just a few words have that much power? How could they mean so much to him? Maybe it wasn’t a big deal, surely those words weren’t worth crying for, but Kieran didn’t see anything in himself worth loving, and yet… 

Arthur loved him.

“That was quite the reaction you had.” Arthur pointed out with a chuckle. They were laying together in bed with Kieran’s head resting on his chest. Arthur felt happy and surprised to have Kieran so close to him. It seemed like just yesterday Arthur couldn’t even stand too close to Kieran without making him flinch. Arthur smiled at the realization that Kieran had grown just that comfortable around him. 

“I never thought anyone would say that to me.” Kieran confessed. He had heard Mary-Beth once say that when someone tells you they love you, it means they really want you in their lives, no matter if there’s hardships or problems. It means they care enough to make things work somehow. Which was particularly touching, since Kieran considered himself a lot to handle.

Loving Arthur, on the other hand, it felt so easy. He was kind, and always helped others. He could see when he made mistakes and tried to make things better. And when Arthur cared about someone, he showed it in all the ways he could, whether through big or small acts. Of course he had flaws too, but they seemed almost insignificant next to all the things Kieran loved about him. Which is why Kieran wanted to love him the way he deserved, the way Arthur loved him. Kieran wanted to be there for him too, to listen to his worries and fears, to comfort him and be as supportive as Arthur had been with him all this time. So if he was going to take the difficult decision to leave, he promised himself he’d try his hardest to recover from everything that happened. 

“But, kind of an unfortunate moment to say it, huh?” Kieran mumbled. He couldn’t deny, it made leaving a lot harder.

“There was no way I was going to let you go without telling you. This kind of life we have, you never know…” Arthur caressed Kieran’s cheek with his thumb. “Besides, I won’t deny I wanted to make sure you thought of my ugly mug from time to time.” 

Kieran chuckled and sat up for a moment, looking down at Arthur with a dumb smile.

“Your very handsome mug, you mean.”

Unsurprisingly, Arthur didn’t object and instead lost himself in the soft kiss they shared, putting his hand on the back of Kieran’s head to pull him even closer. 

The rest of the night was peaceful and even fun, Arthur convinced Kieran to finish the bottles of wine they found in the bathroom and on top of the dresser. Although they didn’t get blind drunk they still managed to cause a bit of noise with their tipsiness. Mostly Arthur, who got into a singing mood after a couple of glasses and made sure to dedicate a couple of corny ballads to his very amused ex boyfriend. It was a surprise they hadn’t received a visit from the innkeeper to complain about the noise. 

Kieran on the other hand, was just very smiley and mostly quiet, except for sudden need to tell Arthur he loved him every five minutes. He would interrupt Arthur’s stories or jokes just to say it, and Arthur would smile every time and pull him close for a kiss before saying it back and continuing what he was saying. At some point, Kieran started to lose his battle against exhaustion and cuddled Arthur again, mumbling ‘I love you’ a couple of times before falling asleep. Arthur tried to stay up as long as he could, just so he could cherish the moment a bit longer. Who knew when he’d get another chance to be that close to Kieran again? He tried not to think too much about it, and he managed to kiss Kieran’s forehead one last time before also falling asleep. 

When morning came, Arthur woke up to Kieran’s soft snores as he still laid on his chest. He had some vague memories of the night before, and he smiled despite the slight hangover he had. Arthur remembered Kieran looked happy, and he had laughed at his singing. He was satisfied to be able to clearly remember what his adorable laughter sounded like and he hoped he would hear it more someday. But Kieran’s body suddenly tensed in his arms, interrupting Arthur’s happy thoughts. It didn’t seem much at first, but Kieran flinched again, and this time he mumbled something in his sleep. He was asking someone to stop what they were doing.

“Hey, Kieran. Wake up.” Arthur said softly as he shook Kieran awake as gently as he could, trying not to scare him more than he probably already was. Still, Kieran opened his eyes, jerked awake with a gasp, and shoving Arthur away on reflex. 

“Shhh, It’s me, it’s ok. You’re ok.” Arthur said quickly, sitting up and holding Kieran’s hand. “Just a nightmare.”

Kieran blinked a couple of times, trying to focus his vision. His expression softened just a little once he realized it was really Arthur, but the tension remained in the rest of his body.

“Mm…” Kieran sighed anxiously and rubbed his eyes. “Thanks for waking me up...”

“No problem.” Arthur mumbled and gently rubbed his back until Kieran slowly started leaning into the touch. Eventually, Kieran went back to resting his head on Arthur’s chest. “Better?”

“Yeah… yeah, I’m good now.” Kieran said, closing his eyes as Arthur started petting his hair. It was a great distraction from the fleeting memories of unwanted hands grabbing him.

“I wish I could take all those nightmares away…” Arthur sighed, kissing Kieran’s forehead. The sound of Kieran’s pounding heart made Arthur feel sad. He couldn’t imagine how scared Kieran must feel after every bad dream. 

“That makes two of us…” Kieran mumbled, still panting slightly. Now that the initial fright was dying down, Kieran felt annoyed. Annoyed and angry that Micah was still somewhere hiding in his mind, waiting for the right moment to torment him again. It was unfair and Kieran was determined to not let him hurt him anymore. He had hoped that maybe one of these days, he might be able to fight back against Micah, or even better, never dream of him again. 

“Are you going to be ok?” Arthur asked, concerned.

“Yeah… yeah I will. I’ll learn to deal with this.”

“That’s my Kieran.” Arthur smiled.

They shared a quick kiss and Arthur continued petting Kieran’s hair until he started closing his eyes again. Arthur let Kieran go back to sleep, they didn’t really have anywhere to be, and he knew Kieran needed it so he stayed like that, holding him and cherishing every last second he was there in his arms. The next time Kieran woke up, it was thankfully in a more peaceful manner, and Arthur got to kiss him on the cheek and make him smile as he opened his eyes. 

Arthur didn’t know what would happen next, and he didn’t want to ask, nor let Kieran go just yet, so he didn’t. Kieran finally sat up and left his warm embrace to put his coat back on. But there wasn’t much choice anymore now that they were both dressed and ready to go. He sighed anxiously and looked at Kieran. 

“So… about the ranch…” Arthur started.

“Yeah?”

“Is that today?” Arthur asked after a long pause. Kieran looked down and rubbed his arm.

“Yeah… I guess i’ll be leaving today.”

“Oh…” Arthur said, trying and failing miserably at hiding the sadness behind his voice.

“Speaking of which, can I leave Bran with you for a while? It’ll be difficult to take two horses with me. Hope he won’t mind…”

“I’ll take care of him, don’t worry.” Arthur promised. None of them moved for a few seconds, they didn’t want to leave the room and the memories of all the kisses and hugs they had shared there. But it was Arthur who finally took a step forward and opened the door for Kieran, who flashed him a little sad smile before walking past him. 

On their way downstairs, they both were quiet. And their trip to the bar to return the key to their room was just as silent. Goodbye was definitely something neither of them wanted to say, so the word stuck to their throats, clogging everything else. 

“Well uhm, let me give you some money, you will need it.” Arthur said, finally breaking the silence once they were outside.

“Arthur-“

“No, I won’t hear it. Just take it.” Arthur pushed some bills in Kieran’s hand and held it for a few seconds. “Please.”

Kieran had no choice but to take it and put in on his bag. He let out a sigh and stared at the ground for a moment before snorting.

“What are we doing, Arthur?”

“Acting like idiots, I guess.” He mumbled. 

“We’re being too dramatic about this.” 

“Yeah. But I’m not good at this… uh, at goodbyes.”

“This isn’t goodbye.” Kieran reassured him. “We’ll see each other again, I promise. I love you, I couldn’t stay away forever.” 

Arthur smiled at that and pulled Kieran close to hug him tightly. His arms squeezed him like he never wanted to let go, and he was happy to feel Kieran do the same.

“Please stay out of trouble.” Kieran mumbled.

“Please tell me if you need me.” Arthur asked in return. They both let go and kissed, as if promising to keep their words, then reluctantly let go. It was unusual of Arthur to cry, but he tried his hardest to hold back tears as he watched Kieran get on his horse. Kieran turned to look at him, and though his eyes looked suspiciously shiny too, he smiled at Arthur and tilted his hat a little at him.

“See you around, Mr Morgan.” 

“Yeah, don’t do anything stupid, O’Driscoll.”

Kieran chuckled and turned around, spurring Branwen on and riding out of town, forcing himself not to look back again in order not to start crying. Behind him, Arthur let out a sigh and waited until Kieran was out of sight to finally mount his horse and head home. It had been quicker than he expected, and he wasn’t sure if he was glad about it. He did wish he could at least spend more time with Kieran, especially after everything they had gone through.

His heart felt a little heavy without him, so Arthur figured that getting to work as soon as he made it to camp would help him forget about it. So after hitching his horse, he went straight to chopping some wood, and his expression must’ve been miserable enough that Hosea stopped in his tracks as he walked past him and stared at him for a moment. 

“What?” Arthur asked, wiping the sweat off his forehead. 

“Are you alright, Arthur?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.”

“Where’s Kieran?” Hosea asked curiously.

“He’s not staying.” Arthur said quickly, staring into the ground. “Doesn’t feel comfortable here.”

“Huh, well, can’t say I blame him after everything… It’s a shame though, he’s a good fellow. I liked him.”

“Yeah, I like him too.” Arthur mumbled. Hosea hummed in response and stared intently at Arthur, trying to decipher just what was really going on with his son. 

“He’s welcome back, if he changes his mind. You should tell him.”

“I will, but I don’t think he’d like to come back.”

“Well, who knows? I doubt he likes staying away.” Hosea said sympathetically as he patted Arthur’s shoulder. Arthur wanted to tell him about them, but in that gesture it seemed like Hosea had already figured it all out on his own. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

Arthur nodded and went back to work. All the wood chopping and lifting of heavy bales of hay did little to distract him from how much he already missed Kieran. For the next couple of days it was the same, but he tried to hide how he felt from everyone else. It wasn’t unusual for him to try to repress his feelings, he didn’t want others to pity him, and he didn’t really want to talk about Kieran because it made him sad. Especially because he constantly stalked Mr Strauss around, asking if any letters had arrived for him and the answer had always been ‘no’.

So he tried to keep going as usual, working as hard as he always did and keeping himself as busy as possible with different tasks and errands as he secretly planned to go out looking for Kieran. He thought he was doing a great job at hiding it all, but he was oblivious to the other gang members’ concern for him. 

“Is it Mary again?” John’s voice pulled Arthur out of his thoughts, interrupting him as he tried to attach a couple of feathers to a custom fishing hook he was making. A gift for Kieran. 

“What?” Arthur asked confused.

“Is she the reason you’re acting so strange? Did she ask you again to be her errand boy?” John sat next to him by the fire.

“I haven’t been in touch with her since Valentine. And I've moved on from her anyway.” Arthur mumbled and continued attaching the feathers to the bait with some string.

“So it’s another woman then? You only get this sad when it’s about someone you’re seeing. Well, sadder than usual.”

Arthur remained quiet, John didn’t take offense to it as he had grown used to getting ignored by Arthur whenever he started to annoy him and it seemed like that was the case right now.

“It’s not a woman.” Arthur mumbled quietly.

“Huh?”

Arthur stopped what he was doing, staring at the ground embarrassed as he built up the courage to speak again.

“It’s a man.”

“Oh.” John blinked in surprise. “Ok… uh, well, I guess it’s not my business.”

“Yeah, it’s not.” Arthur sighed and started to get up but John reached for his arm.

“Woah! Wait, I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s ok. C’mon, you’re my brother. I’m not gonna be mean to you because you like cocks.”

Arthur frowned and hit John in the arm but sat back down next to him.

“But you’re going to continue to be a pain in the ass for no reason, huh?”

“Of course.” John smiled. “So… this man, who is he? What did he do?”

Arthur hesitated, he focused for a moment on tying up the last bit of string to the fishing hook then carefully put it on his bag. 

“It’s Kieran…”

“Kieran? Huh… I… that’s unexpected. I thought you hated him though.”

“I was just being an idiot.” Arthur said with regret. 

“So that’s why you went out to help him? Because you were in love with him?”

Arthur blushed and scratched the back of his neck. Why the hell was he even telling Marston all this? It wasn’t like they usually had conversations like this about his love life. But in a way it was nice getting to tell someone about Kieran, even if they weren’t currently together anymore. 

“Uh… not at first. I… was actually so close to killing him. I really thought he had betrayed us. But then he told me why he had really ran away. I decided to spare him and drive the others away from him. Then, I couldn’t just stay away…” 

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing. Maybe we wouldn’t have found out about Micah if you had. Maybe you wouldn’t have caught him.”

“Yeah, I don’t regret going back at all. For that, and so many other reasons.”

“Good.” John nodded. He looked around for a moment, feeling like he was missing something, then he raised his eyebrows in realization. “Oh shit, where’s Kieran now?” 

Arthur felt a little irritated by the question. It had been almost two weeks since Kieran had left and he had noticed his absence every single minute since then. But he couldn’t blame John for not noticing, there used to be a time when he didn’t pay Kieran any attention, either. And maybe that had been part of the problem too.

“He left. Dutch and Hosea offered to let him rejoin the gang, but he didn’t want to. He had too many bad memories of this place.” 

John remained quiet for a moment.

“I’m guessing we are part of those…”

“Maybe not the worst ones, but yeah…”

“So… is that why he left you?”

“Uh… partially, yeah. Mostly because… uh, it’s complicated.”

“I’m sorry, Arthur.” John said sincerely. It was a strange word to hear coming from John but Arthur appreciated it. “Tell you what, maybe I can talk to the others. I mean, after helping expose Micah, we don’t really hold any grudges against him anymore, but maybe I could tell them to try to be nicer to him? Maybe he’ll want to come back then?”

Arthur smiled a little. He appreciated what John was trying to do, even if he knew it wasn’t as simple as that, considering Kieran was still dealing with the aftermath of months of harassment and abuse in camp that eventually lead to a sexual assault. 

“I don’t know, but I think it’s worth the try. But whether he stays or not I think we shouldn’t treat him the same way we used to. He didn’t deserve any of that. It’s why he left the first time.”

“I know. I’ll talk to them then.” John promised.

“Herr Morgan?” Strauss called in a shy tone as he approached them. “Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting?”

“No. Not at all. What is it?” Arthur asked anxiously.

“There’s a letter for you"


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the chapter!

“Arthur. Uh… no, wait. Dear Arthur? Wait, how do people usually start these? Is dear too much?”

“Dear sounds fine.” The girl bending over the crate chuckled and stared at Kieran expectantly.

“Ok. Dear Arthur then.” Kieran blushed. “Sorry, I’ll try to get to the point.”

“It’s ok, take your time. I ain’t got anything else to do.” She smiled. 

“Ok…” Kieran sighed and stared down at his muddy boots. “Dear Arthur… I’m sorry I haven’t written to you in so long... well, maybe it hasn’t been that long, but it sure felt like it was.”

Emma smiled and hurried to write down the words on the paper, her smile made Kieran get a little nervous. There was so much more he wanted to say to Arthur, but he felt too shy having to dictate it to her. 

“Go on.” She said.

“Uh, I got the job at Emerald Ranch. I had to beg a little, but they took me in. I’ve been very busy with all these horses, but I like it. You can stop worrying about me now, I know you have been.”

Kieran paused as she wrote it down, he picked up more manure with his shovel, putting it on a cartwheel. 

“There’s nice people here, like the man in charge of the stables.” Kieran continued.

“You don’t have to lie because I’m here.” Emma chuckled and continued writing.

“His daughter, Emma is really kind to me. She’s helping me write this letter.” Kieran smiled at her.

“I should probably apologize for the ugly handwriting.” She joked. Kieran chuckled and kept shoveling.

“Anyway, just wanted to let you know where I am and how I am doing like I promised. I hope you are all ok too. I… I miss you.” Kieran turned his face away from Emma, blushing. “I hope I get to see you soon. Kieran. Oh, and please pet Bran for me.”

Emma finished writing down the last details and put the paper inside the envelope.

“You got it all?” Kieran asked.

“Yeah, everything.” She smiled and stood up. “Sounds like this Arthur is someone special…”

“Mm, s-something like that.” Kieran stuttered, making her laugh.

“Don’t worry, I won’t pry. You want this sent to Rhodes post station then?” 

“Yes please” Kieran reached into his pocket to get some money, but just in that moment Mr Miller, Emma’s father and Kieran’s boss, walked in with his usual sour expression.

“Duffy! I don’t pay you to chat with my daughter. They brought more horses, go get them inside.” Mr Miller demanded and turned to look at his daughter. “And you, weren’t you helping your mother?”

“Yes, I was just picking something up for her.” Emma looked around and grabbed a lantern, the nearest thing she could find. Mr Miller frowned and walked away. 

“I’ll pay you later.” Kieran promised as he hurried to go outside before Mr Miller returned. 

“Don’t worry about it.” She smiled and waved at him.

Kieran didn’t enjoy the yelling at all, but if he was being honest, this Mr Miller was nothing compared to working for Colm. Sure, the man intimidated him a little, but working with O’Driscolls had taught Kieran to endure even the most stressful situations. Plus, Mr Miller wasn’t all bad, he had given Kieran the job after all, and he even let him sleep in the barn. And as long as Kieran kept himself visibly busy, Mr Miller didn’t yell at him that often. 

All in all, it was a good change for Kieran. He had settled into a routine that kept him busy from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to sleep. And he liked that what kept him busy the most were the horses, not boring tasks like doing dishes or washing clothes. He also liked that he was often too exhausted to struggle with insomnia or nightmares, though he still had them from time to time. It was harder to wake himself up and to realize he was alone once he did, but he remembered to breathe like Oliver had taught him and he always ended up feeling a little better. 

There were still too many things to work on, but he had found a certain peace within him he hadn’t felt in months. He just hoped he could bring that feeling with him wherever he went. 

A couple of days after he sent his letter passed, and Kieran wondered if he’d receive an answer from Arthur. They hadn’t settled on anything but he wished he did, even if he would have to ask Emma to read it to him. Although maybe Arthur wouldn’t write anything embarrassing if he knew someone was helping Kieran with his own letters. 

The doors of the barn suddenly flew open and Kieran quickly turned around, relaxing a little once he noticed it was just another worker guiding a horse inside. 

“Here, I brought you a new one for the horse care package.” The man said as he walked in, holding the reins of a beautiful Tennessee Walker. “I think the guy also wants you to braid the tail.”

Kieran put down the bucket of water he was using to fill the trough with, and took the horse’s reins, his eyes going wide in recognition. 

“Bran?” Kieran smiled and petted the horse. It seemed to take Bran a moment to recognize Kieran too, but when he did, he nickered happily. “Hi! I missed you!” Kieran hugged the horse, and then his heart skipped a beat when he realized what his horse’s presence most likely meant. “Hang on, I’ll be right back.”

Kieran quickly walked to the front of the stable hoping and praying he’d find him there. 

“Yeah… I don’t really see why you need to go back there, sir.” Mr Miller’s voice said with suspicion.

“You don’t understand, my horse gets very prone to fits if I’m not next to him when he’s being groomed.” Another voice answered and Kieran felt like he could cry at the sound of him. He walked until he could see him, and Arthur looked behind Mr Miller to find Kieran there, he seemed to get paralyzed for a moment and they both tried to fight the smile spreading on their faces.

“Uh, Mr Miller.” Kieran interrupted, having to consciously take his eyes away from Arthur. “This horse is giving me a lot of trouble, maybe it will calm down if he sees his owner?”

“See? Just what I was telling you!” Arthur said.

Mr Miller sighed and moved out of the way to let Arthur go to the back.

“Follow me, sir.” Kieran said nonchalantly as he guided Arthur to the barn. Once the doors were closed behind them, Kieran threw his arms around Arthur’s neck and kissed him eagerly. Arthur returned the kiss with just as much passion and hugged him tightly afterwards, burying his face on the crook of Kieran’s neck.

“I missed you so much.” Arthur mumbled after a moment. 

“I missed you too, I’m so happy you’re here!” Kieran said back, kissing Arthur’s cheek and hesitantly letting go after a moment. They were both blushing and smiling uncontrollably. They felt like idiots but couldn’t care less. “S-so, full service then?” Kieran said, pointing to Bran.

“And a braided tail, please. I thought he’d look nice.” Arthur chuckled and sat down in a nearby crate as he watched Kieran get to work. “You look good.” Arthur said with a smile.

“Aside from all the dirt and mud?” Kieran joked. “Thank you. How have you been?” 

“Very worried, but I think I might get to sleep now.” 

“Sorry, I should’ve written sooner.” 

“It’s ok, I’m just glad you did. I was going to come looking for you anyway.” Arthur smiled. “So… is this all working out for you?”

“Yeah, I think it is. It keeps me busy, and I love spending time with the horses.” Kieran petted Bran and continued brushing him. “It’s not a complete solution but… I think it’s helping. I think I feel better.” Kieran smiled.

“That’s all I wanted to hear.” Arthur stood up and pulled Kieran close for another kiss, making him chuckle and blush. 

“I need to finish here, Arthur. I don’t want to lose my job for making out with the clients.” Kieran playfully shoved him away but Arthur held onto Kieran’s hand as he reached inside his bag. Kieran looked on with curiosity as Arthur grabbed something and put it on his hand.

“It’s a gift for you. Maybe we can use it on our next fishing trip.”

Kieran looked at the small fishing hook in his hand, the feathers attached to it were some of the most colorful and beautiful ones he had ever seen. Just by looking at how carefully crafted it was, he knew Arthur had custom made it for him. 

“I love it, thank you.” Kieran smiled wide and kissed Arthur again, losing himself for a moment before hearing footsteps approaching. He immediately shoved Arthur away and they managed to act nonchalantly as another worker walked in to pick up some tools. They snorted and laughed once he was gone, and Kieran continued working. “Are you just passing by? Cause I’m afraid I won’t be done here until much later.”

“I don’t mind waiting, I’ll keep myself busy and won’t interrupt you, I promise.” Arthur chuckled. “Besides, I’ve got some business to attend to around here. I could pick you up later.”

“Please tell me you’re not planning to rob the ranch.” Kieran half joked.

Arthur laughed and shook his head. “Nah, wouldn’t do that to you. Don’t worry. So, at what time should I come back?”

Kieran smiled.

“Eight.”

—————————————————————

Kieran leaned on the stables fence, looking around as he waited for Arthur to show up. It would get dark soon, and he wondered where they would go or what they would do. And although he was tired from working, if Arthur asked him to ride all night to a different town he’d probably do it, he was just so happy to see him.

“Is that Arthur? The man you were with in the barn?” A familiar friendly voice suddenly asked, Emma walked past him and stopped next to him with a knowing smile. Kieran’s whole face went red at the memories of how much he and Arthur had been kissing there.

“W-what did you see??” Kieran asked embarrassed.

“You both kissing.” Emma giggled. “You didn’t even notice. I was about to walk in but I saw you through the door and left.” 

“I- I- “

“It’s ok, I won’t tell my father.” Emma reassured him. “So, that’s him?”

“Yeah…”

“He’s very handsome.” She smiled. Kieran blushed and smiled too, staring at his feet. “You’re not so bad either, look at you, all cleaned up and groomed. I hadn’t seen you take a bath in a while.” She teased.

“I take baths!” Kieran pouted. “Maybe not too often… water’s always freezing.”

“Right.” She chuckled and Kieran smiled. Then they both heard the sound of a horse approaching. They looked in the same direction and stared until the man in the horse stopped in front of them.

“Evening.” Arthur said, tipping his hat at them. “Uh…” 

“Good evening, sir. I’m Emma Miller” Emma smiled at Arthur and then at Kieran who was purposefully avoiding eye contact with her.

“Nice to meet ya, miss.” Arthur said awkwardly.

Emma smiled at him and turned to Kieran. “Well, Mr Duffy, I think i’ll be leaving now. Good to meet you, Mr…” Emma trailed off, looking at Arthur.

“Uh, Arthur… Kilgore.” 

“It’s a pleasure, goodbye.”

With a smile, Emma turned around and left, leaving a very flustered Kieran and a confused Arthur.

“Uh, you ready to go?” Arthur asked, holding his hand out to Kieran.

“Yeah.” Kieran took his hand and mounted the horse, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s waist. He couldn’t help but bury his nose on the back of Arthur’s neck, he was wearing that nice cologne again. 

“You’re not gonna ask where I’m taking you?” 

“I would, but all I really care about is that you’re here.” Kieran mumbled with a dumb little smile on his face as he snuggled Arthur. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart.” 

The ride didn’t take long, Arthur stopped the horse just after a couple of minutes under a tree in an open field near the ranch. The lights from the houses were still visible in the distance so they were still pretty close from it. Arthur helped Kieran off the horse and got to work setting up a blanket and lighting up a fire, all while Kieran stared, confused and amused by Arthur’s plans. It wasn’t until Arthur got a basket out that it slowly started to click and he couldn’t fight the smile spreading on his face.

“Well? Come sit.” Arthur said, patting the space on the blanket next to him, his voice betraying how flustered and nervous he felt.

“Mary-Beth was right about you, you’re a true romantic.” Kieran chuckled and sat next to him.

“You’re giving me too much credit, this was mostly her idea, actually.” Arthur admitted, setting out some fruit, cheese and bread, as well as a couple of beers. “You like rabbit, right? I just caught a couple.”

“Sure.” Kieran smiled, reaching to get a beer as Arthur set up a pan to cook the meat. “You’re very sweet Arthur, you didn’t have to do all this.”

“I wanted to, I had to spend almost three weeks without seeing you, I wanted to make the most of my visit.” 

Kieran’s heart fluttered, and he struggled to understand how he could’ve gotten so lucky, especially after everything that had happened. This moment didn’t seem real. Arthur didn’t, either. Kieran gazed lovingly at him the whole time, feeling like he was in a dream where good things could happen to him for once. 

Time went flying now that they were together, they ate their dinner and did some more catching up and some more kissing too. Arthur told Kieran about the gang's plans, how even though they had their money back, Dutch insisted they were going to need some more just in case. And how trying to steal from the two biggest families in Rhodes wasn’t really working out so Hosea was trying to convince Dutch to move onto something else. Kieran felt some relief in knowing Arthur would stay around a little longer. Maybe there would be enough time for more visits. 

Although Kieran had some other worries, Arthur’s kisses made him quickly forget about them, and they enjoyed a nice cuddling session after dinner. One which Arthur had to reluctantly stop once he realized how late it was. 

“It’s not that late…” Kieran complained, with arms and legs still intertwined with Arthur’s.

“At what hour do you get up to work again?” Arthur asked with a chuckle.

“5…” Kieran mumbled as he got more comfortable on Arthur’s chest.

“That’s two hours away, Kieran. C’mon. I don’t want you to fall asleep on your shift.” Arthur had to gently push him away, even if it was tortuous to disturb Kieran when he looked so comfy.

“Fine… fine…”

Bran took them back to the stables, and before Arthur could say goodbye, Kieran playfully grabbed his hand and tugged on it with a smile.

“Do you want to know something kind of embarrassing?” Kieran asked with a little smile.

“Sure.” 

“Well then follow me.” 

Arthur sighed and smiled at him, then he dismounted and let Kieran guide him by the hand to a nearby windmill. They stood there for a moment and Arthur expected some kind of explanation but none came, not yet at least. The windmill was a tall tower without much protection against falls, so Arthur raised an eyebrow as Kieran started climbing the ladder.

“What are you doing?” Arthur questioned.

“Climbing, come on. It won’t take long.”

Just as before, Arthur couldn’t refuse and so he started climbing after Kieran. 

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Don’t worry, no one can see us with how dark it is.”

“That’s not what worries me…” Arthur looked down and held onto the rails a little tighter.

“Are you telling me you’re scared of heights?” Kieran teased.

“I’m worried about this height right now, especially with alcohol in our veins. Please be careful.”

“We’re not even that drunk. C’mon, it’s just one more set of steps.” Kieran cheered from the top, holding onto the structure and staying away from the edge for Arthur’s sake.

“Alright alright, give me a minute, I’m not 20 anymore.” Arthur joked. Once at the top he looked out at the view before him, the ranch itself wasn’t all that impressive, but the great plains spreading across the land were quite beautiful, especially with a clear night sky full of stars like that. He could see a couple wild horses in the distance and the faint light of distant camps. Arthur whistled and smiled. “It’s really pretty, but I don’t really see what’s embarrassing about this.”

Kieran smiled and reached to grab Arthur’s hand, then moving closer to wrap his arms around his waist to hug him. 

“Sometimes when I can’t sleep or I miss you too much, I come up here and stare into the distance.” Kieran explained, pointing to a spot far away. “I imagine somehow you’re out there looking out for me too.” Kieran explained, his cheeks turning pink as he did and chuckling nervously after a moment. “See? Told you it was embarrassing.”

“That’s not embarrassing.” Arthur caressed his cheek. “That’s adorable. And just so you know, I am always looking out for you too.” Arthur turned and kissed Kieran softly, then after a moment he broke into a smile that seemed like he was trying to hold back some chuckles. “But…”

“What?” Kieran looked at him, confused.

“Uh…Rhodes is over there, Kieran.” Arthur giggled and pointed in the opposite direction they were staring at. The realization made Kieran immediately burst out laughing, contaging Arthur in the process. 

“Maybe I am drunk after all.” Kieran said out of breath.

“Or your sense of direction is just shit.” Arthur teased, getting a playful slap on the arm.

“You got my point.” Kieran groaned and laughed some more, running a hand down his face.

“Let’s go, we will fall if we keep laughing.” Arthur patted Kieran’s back and started making his way down. “Maybe my next gift to you will be a compass and a map.”

“Very funny.” Kieran said, faking annoyance, but it didn’t look genuine enough with how much he was smiling. He had missed Arthur’s playful teasing. The giggles continued all the way to the bottom, and they hugged for a moment as their laughter died down.

“That was really good.” Arthur sighed. 

“I thought you were done with bullying me.” Kieran joked, getting another small giggle from Arthur. Arthur let go after a moment, caressing Kieran’s cheek affectionately.

“Well, I’ve kept you up long enough, I should really get going now.” As soon as the words left his lips Kieran pouted and nodded understandably. 

“Thank you so much for coming to visit me, and for everything else. You’ve made me really happy.” Kieran said.

“Of course. I really enjoyed today. And I promise it won’t be the last time you see me around here.”

“I sure hope not. Take care out there, Arthur. I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. I’ll write to you, maybe that girl Emma can read it out to you.” Arthur promised, mounting Bran and adjusting his hat, then just before he spurred the horse on he turned to Kieran. “Oh, I almost forgot!”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know if you remember but, you’re always welcome back with us. If you ever change your mind or just get tired of this place. Just making sure you know.”

“Thank you, Arthur but…” Kieran sighed. “I think I'm good for now.”

“Of course.” Arthur nodded. “Well, see you later.”

Kieran smiled and waved at him, and this time, there were no more tears or broken hearts as they parted ways. It was still hard to leave each other, but they held onto the promise of a new meeting and smiled at the memories of the kisses and hugs they had shared. Kieran especially couldn’t help but feel like things were slowly starting to get better.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is, last chapter. It only took a couple of months lol. I never thought this would extend so much, but I hope at least you all enjoyed this story.
> 
> Thanks again to Daovihi for helping me with every chapter! I really appreciate the time you took to read my chapters and help me with corrections.
> 
> And thank you everyone who has supported this story in any way. I hope you are all taking care so we can continue sharing Kierthur stories in the future. 
> 
> Until next time!

The sun burnt bright in the sky, leaving Kieran sweaty even in the more tame hours of the evening. The cart moved at a steady pace, and he would soon reach the town of Rhodes. He hadn’t been there in two months, but he expected things to look the same they did back then, and he wasn’t wrong. The Rhodes Parlour House, for example, was still overflowing with drunks, and the town seemed as sad and dull as he remembered. Kieran stopped the cart on the side of the general store and hopped off, experiencing a bit of a deja vu as he walked through the doors, holding a shopping list in his hand.

“Evening, sir! What can I help you with?” The man behind the counter asked.

“Everything on the list, please. I have a cart waiting outside, could you load things there?” Kieran asked.

“Sure, thing. Tim, get over here!” The man called for his assistant. A few seconds later an annoyed-looking young boy walked through the back door and started grabbing the items the clerk recited to him, and putting them on paper bags. Meanwhile, Kieran walked outside and sat on a bench to smoke a cigarette. He was nervous, too nervous, and he couldn’t stop smoking because of it. Which was strange, considering he had felt ready that morning, although it’s probably easier to feel more confident when you are miles away from the source of your anxiety. Clemens Point was just five minutes away now.

Kieran let out a shaky breath and put the cigarette out under his boot once he was done with it. Things would be ok, he was overthinking. Arthur had told him many times that he was welcome anytime. Besides, it wasn’t like everyone hated him. Mary Beth was nice, Lenny too. And if nobody wanted to talk to him, he could at least hang out with Arthur. If he was in camp, that is. God, he should’ve written him in advance.

When the boy finished loading his cart, Kieran walked back inside the store and paid for the supplies, thanking both the clerk and the tired boy, whom he slipped a coin to as a thank you for his trouble. Then, he hopped on the cart and he got on his way. 

He didn’t want to admit it, but he was making Cherry and Branwen slow down their pace on purpose, despite the horses not being tired. He had made sure to give them plenty of time to rest, especially as he stopped on his way there to hunt. He turned his head just for a moment to check on the venison he carried in the back, and when he turned back around, his eyes went wide as he found a mounted stranger staring right at him. The bandana over his face let Kieran know he wasn’t good news. He was just to unsheathe his pistol when the stranger got closer and blinked in surprise at him.

“Kieran?” The man asked, the unmistakable irish accent giving Sean away. He chuckled and pulled the bandana down, making Kieran relax just a little. “What the hell are you doing here? I almost robbed you there.”

“Please don't.” Kieran said awkwardly. “I came to town to pick up some supplies for Emerald Ranch.”

“Oh right, you work there now. Arthur told me.” Sean recalled. “But uh, Rhodes and Emerald Ranch is the other way, you had something else to pick up?”

“I uh… actually I… was thinking of paying you all a visit. I brought some venison with me, if that’s alright…”

Kieran expected Sean to laugh sarcastically at him and tell him to get lost, thankfully, Sean just shrugged.

“Yeah, alright, sounds good.” Sean said as he dismounted and hopped on the cart next to Kieran, who awkwardly scooted to make room for him. “I’ll ride with you as your bodyguard, these roads are awfully dangerous. Full of thieves and degenerates.”

“You don’t say.” 

Sean laughed and whistled at Ennis to follow them. Some of the tension left Kieran’s body and he even managed to smile. It was a relief to see Sean had really changed the way he treated him, Kieran had expected the friendliness to fade away after some time. 

“How are things in camp?” Kieran asked, spurring the horses on and continuing along the dusty road. 

“Fine, I guess. We earned a bit more money, but it seems like the whole thing with the Braithwaites and the Grays was a waste of time. I don’t even think either of them even has the fortune we've been looking for all this time.” 

“Shit. So what now?”

“We’re getting away from here. Not too far really, Lenny and Arthur scouted a spot for our new camp a little down south, an abandoned plantation, it’s full of raiders for now, but they’ll get rid of them. The house is perfect and it’s closer to Saint Denis.”

“What’s in Saint Denis?” Kieran raised an eyebrow.

“A bank with lots of money. Hosea and Dutch are already working on a plan to rob it. They say it’s the last big score we’ll make and then we’ll be on our way.”

“Oh…” Kieran stared straight ahead. It must’ve been a pretty recent decision if Arthur hadn’t mentioned it in a letter or during his last visit to the ranch. “So you’re all going to… Tahiti?”

“That was the plan.” Sean chuckled. “But uh, things have changed. People are starting to want… other things. And both Hosea and Dutch have realized it’s getting harder to hide the whole gang from the law.”

“Are you saying… you’re dismantling it?”

Sean sighed, scratching the back of his head. 

“Something like that, yeah. At least some of us are leaving. I mean, Abigail wants to raise Jack in a proper home, maybe buy some land. Arthur wants the exact same for them, so him and Hosea have been trying to convince John to do it once they get their share of the money. Charles and Sadie are thinking of going their own way too. Mary Beth wants to leave to become a writer!” Sean said in disbelief. 

Kieran was quiet for a moment. It was all pretty unexpected, but after thinking about it, he figured it was probably the best for everyone. After all, hiding a whole caravan from the law was very difficult, and even more so supporting it, despite everyone doing their share to contribute. Kieran just never thought Dutch would agree to something like that. Despite constantly stating he never forced anyone to stay, Kieran knew that gang was everything to him. Maybe it had finally dawned on him just how much the world had changed.

“And what does Arthur want?” Kieran asked hesitantly.

“You’ll have to ask him yourself, he hasn’t said much about it. My guess is he’ll stick with Dutch and Hosea, since it’s always been the three of them together.”

Kieran nodded and stayed quiet for the rest of the trip, but the silence was unsurprisingly quickly filled by Sean’s incessant chatter. He had a lot to say about Hosea who apparently had been giving him a lot of shit lately for taking some ‘small breaks’ during his guarding shifts. Kieran knew Hosea very likely had good reason for scolding Sean, but he kept it to himself and just listened to Sean without interrupting him. Before he knew it, they had already passed Radley’s Pasture and Kieran hadn’t even noticed, for which he was very thankful.

“Who goes there?!” John’s raspy voice called, walking out from behind the trees.

“It’s me, scar face, plus Kieran.” Sean answered.

“Kieran?” John repeated. Kieran anxiously bit his lip, would John let him through? Would he call the others and tell them to kick him out? All possibilities seemed equally likely in his head. “Huh. Welcome back, I guess. Go on.” John moved out of the way. “What’s in the cart?”

“Emerald Ranch’s supplies, I work there, I'll be taking them there later. But I brought some venison for the camp.”

“Nice, Bill had been trying all morning to hunt something decent. Leave the cart over there.” John pointed to a spot where the cart wouldn’t get in anyone’s way. Sean and Kieran unloaded the two large venisons and put them on the ground as John got closer to take a look. He whistled as he looked them over. “Damn big beasts. That’s very generous of you.”

“Sure.” Kieran said awkwardly, not knowing what else to do.

“What brings you back to camp? Are you looking for Arthur?” 

“Uh, he said I was welcome back... just thought I’d visit you guys. But uh, yeah, I’d like to see Arthur too…” Kieran admitted with rosy cheeks. John noticed and tried to suppress a smirk.

“Alright then, go say hi. I’ll let Arthur know you’re here when he comes back.”

“He’s not here?” Kieran asked, visibly disappointed.

“Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon.” John smiled.

“I’m starving, let’s get this to Pearson in the meantime, huh?” Sean urged him and grabbed one of the venisons, throwing it over his shoulder as Kieran did the same and followed him into camp. Kieran quickly felt the weight on his chest he had been fearing all along, but somehow it wasn’t as overwhelming as he expected. He was pretty distracted at the moment anyway, so he guessed that was the reason why. He was thankful for the fact that people around him noticed him, and didn’t seem angry or annoyed that he was there. They looked just a bit confused at first, but then seemed to accept his presence as something normal. 

“Woah! That’s meat enough for a whole year!” Little Jack gasped as he watched them place the animals on Pearson’s table. “Did you catch that uncle Sean?”

“I’d like to say I did, but it was actually Kieran.” Sean admitted, pointing to him.

“Really?! You’re even better at hunting than uncle Arthur! He only brings one at a time.”

“I might’ve brought more but I probably damaged the meat a little.” Kieran scratched the back of his head. “Probably didn’t use the right weapon for it.”

“You ever tried with a bow and arrows?” Charles asked out of nowhere, walking in from behind and dropping a sack of grain next to the cart.

“Oh, no, I’ve never used one. Seems too hard.”

“Arrows are better for hunting venison, especially if you use poisoned ones. I taught Arthur to use the bow, and he was pretty inexperienced, too. It’s not that hard, I’ll show you if you want.”

“Uh… s-sure. Thank you.” 

“Come on, then.” Charles started walking away.

“W-wh- now?” 

“We’ll start with the arrows for now.”

“Meanwhile I’ll go get us stocked on beer.” Sean smiled then turned around. “Bill! You big bastard, come with me to Rhodes, we’ve a lot of drinks to buy!”

Kieran smiled nervously, it sounded like the start of a party. The gang always stocked up on alcohol whenever they planned to throw one. Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea, he had been working non stop for two months now, and the idea to get out of the routine sounded appealing. Plus, so far nobody had been mean to him. Maybe he could even enjoy their company, at least until Arthur showed up. Kieran hoped he wouldn’t take too long.

Though mostly quiet, Charles was good company, he was nice and patient as he taught Kieran how to make poisoned arrows and even gave him some other hunting tips. The conversation soon attracted Hosea, who, after greeting Kieran with a smile, sat down and shared some more advice and even hunting stories. He recalled with a shiver the one where him and Arthur tried to hunt for a huge bear around the Grizzlies East region. Kieran slowly grew comfortable enough to start sharing his own little hunting and fishing anecdotes, some of which he had acquired during the brief time he had spent traveling alone. And although those memories were sad for the most part, he managed to remember a few good things from them, like the beautiful sights he got to see or the interesting animals he encountered hiding in the woods. In any case, it was nice getting to be a part of the conversation, being included like that made him feel happy, and most importantly, it distracted him from all the bad memories that had kept him away from that camp all this time. 

They were still there, no doubt. From time to time Kieran caught himself staring at a specific point and seeing a glimpse of a tall blonde figure looming in the background. But he knew it was all in his head, and instead of lingering there, he quickly turned to Hosea or Charles, and asked another question, bringing the conversation back to life and making him forget about what he saw.

The other gang members started gathering around the fire as the sun started to go down, someone (probably Sean) put a bottle into Kieran’s hand, and then Pearson started to bring out plates of venison stew for everyone. Javier and Uncle seemed to discuss what songs to play on their respective guitar and banjo, and Dutch was already trying to get everyone to be quiet as he prepared to give another one of his motivational speeches. Kieran smiled at the jokes being told and the silly arguments the other gang members were getting into, but his heart longed to see the one he had been missing all this time. Then, not long after he let out another sigh, both Arthur and Lenny walked up to the small circle around the fire and were greeted with smiles and cheers from some of the already drunk gang members. Arthur smiled back at them and asked what was going on before looking up and freezing for a moment as he noticed Kieran. 

Kieran could only smile shyly and wave from the other side of the circle, hoping to god he wasn’t blushing as hard as he felt he was. Thankfully, everyone else didn’t pay them much attention and continued with the party that was just getting started. Arthur discreetly pointed with his head away from the main fire and Kieran excused himself to follow him there after a moment. 

Now in a more private spot, Arthur immediately hugged him, wrapping his arms tightly around Kieran and even lifted him a little off the ground, chuckling at how Kieran’s feet dangled in the air. It was Kieran’s favorite part of getting reunited with Arthur, the excitement and pure joy they both felt at seeing each other again after a few weeks or even days of being apart. And since this was the first time Kieran was visiting the camp since he left, Arthur was more excited than usual. 

“How long have you been here? You should’ve told me!” Arthur said with a smile, unable to stop hugging Kieran. 

“Don’t worry I got here just two hours ago, and I wanted to surprise you.” Kieran smiled and leaned in to kiss Arthur who returned the kiss with just as much passion. “Where have you been?”

“Clearing out the spot for our new camp, and before you worry, no, it’s not far from here.” Arthur reassured him.

“Oh, yeah, Sean told me.” Kieran recalled. He looked away for a moment, he had actually been thinking about that a lot. It bothered him and although he didn’t want to ruin the moment, he just had to ask. “About that…”

“Yeah?”.

“Sean mentioned there has been a change in plans or something like that, and that some of you would be going your own way after you go to Saint Denis… I was wondering why you hadn’t told me…”

“Oh, Kieran.” Arthur smiled softly and took Kieran’s hand, guiding him to a spot where they could sit and talk. “What else did he tell you?” Arthur asked now a bit further away from the noise the other gang members were making.

“Mostly that… and that you hadn’t really talked about what you’re planning to do after that…” 

“That’s true.” Arthur confirmed. “But first of all, it’s not going to happen as fast as you fear. There’s still some planning left to do for that bank robbery, and we’re still figuring out how to help people safely leave this place after we’re done with that. If I didn’t tell you, it’s because I’ve been pretty busy with all that, plus, I was waiting to see you in person again to tell you.”

“And… what will you do? When it’s time to go…?”

Arthur smiled again and held Kieran’s hand, lifting it to kiss his knuckles. 

“I wanted to talk to you about that when I saw you again but, since you’re here… I’m going to help the others leave, make sure everyone has found a safe place to stay and a way for us to stay in contact. Then once I know everyone will be ok, I’m going to leave too. I thought about it, and Tahiti doesn’t seem the place for me." Arthur said with a chuckle. “Dutch and Hosea are going to continue their own adventure for as long as they can, like they always have, and although I’m going to miss them, I figured it was time I found something for myself. So I was thinking… I could ask a certain special someone if they’d like to come with me. Just us this time. Like we thought about from the beginning. Maybe we could find ourselves our own cabin somewhere up north, finally get a break from all this… hell, if you wanted to stay at Emerald Ranch we could do that too.”

Kieran was speechless for a moment, filling Arthur with concern with every passing second. But all his worries melted away the moment Kieran broke into a smile.

“Are you serious?” Kieran asked, barely containing his excitement.

“Yeah. I really want to just be with you. I think I’ve had enough action and I just want to settle down and enjoy life for once. And more importantly, I want to wake up next to you everyday. If that’s something you’d want too, of course.”

“Of course I do, Arthur.” Kieran chuckled and hugged Arthur tightly. “That’s all I want!”

Kieran pulled Arthur close, making fists on his shirt as he kissed him passionately. A few happy tears escaped from his eyes as his heart burst with joy. This truly felt like the beginning of something really good, something he never thought he could ever have.

“Woo! Go guys!” Karen’s slightly drunken voice cheered as she walked by, making them pull away and hide their faces as they chuckled in embarrassment. Arthur waved her away and she laughed and went back with the others. 

“Sorry about that.” Arthur apologized with a chuckle.

“It’s ok, just- oh god.” Kieran smiled and hid his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck. “Does everybody know?”

“Uh… just a couple of them, I couldn’t resist talking about you. Plus, my regular visits to Emerald Ranch were getting suspicious, so I had to tell them anyway. Why, does it bother you?”

“Not at all.” Kieran looked up at him with a smile. “Just hope we don’t get teased… I’m still shy.”

Arthur chuckled and kissed Kieran’s cheek. Kieran could feel his whole face burning now, he loved and hated how easily Arthur could make him turn into a teenager in love. But not a single part of him wanted Arthur to stop, even if he was embarrassing him. Arthur reached for Kieran’s hand after a moment and squeezed it tightly as he looked at Kieran in the eyes.

“Maybe it’s time to tell them?” Arthur smiled then paused for a moment.

“Sure.” Kieran smiled.

“But wait a minute… does that mean we’re back together again? What should I introduce you as?”

Kieran looked at their hands and smiled wide. He could feel his face burning, but he didn’t care one bit. He wasn’t even worried anymore about the teasing that would surely ensue. He was happy and he wanted everyone to see it. 

“I am your boyfriend.” Kieran leaned and kissed Arthur on the lips one last time before standing up and tugging on his arm. Arthur followed his lead and guided him back to the party, both feeling their hearts beat faster with every step as they got ready to make their first appearance as a couple in front of everyone. The teasing came as quickly as Kieran expected but he soon got too busy looking into Arthur’s eyes to pay attention to it. And when they shared another tender kiss, it felt like the world had completely disappeared around them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Until the next story, bye!


	28. Epilogue: Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> Looks like this isn’t over yet lol. Here’s a little surprise, I’ll be adding a 3 chapter epilogue to the fic, I hope you all enjoy it and I’d love to hear what you think about it. 
> 
> Thank you all for your support and also thank you Daovihi again for the help with the chapter!

The sky was grey and cloudy. A storm threatened to catch onto the two riders on the road, but they continued at a steady pace. They were close from their destination anyway. Arthur bit his lip and looked up at Kieran with hesitance, making his lover catch onto it almost immediately. Arthur had been giving him the same suspicious look ever since they left Emerald ranch that morning.

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong already?” Kieran raised an eyebrow. 

“Nothing's wrong.” Arthur quickly reassured him. “It’s just… uh, are you really sure this is what you want?” Arthur asked, slowing down a little to line up his horse with Kieran’s. “I just want to make sure you don’t regret this. I mean, you were doing really well in the ranch.”

“Do you regret inviting me back?” Kieran teased. He could understand Arthur’s hesitance over bringing him back to camp. Arthur had seen him at his worst, after all. His temporary stay at Emerald ranch had helped a lot, but it hadn’t just made everything magically disappear. So Kieran figured Arthur was just scared of bringing him back to a place that would ruin whatever progress he had made. 

“Of course not! I won’t have to wait for days to see you again anymore. I’m just saying you seemed happy there. It would have been perfectly fine for you to stay at the ranch and wait for us to finish our business here until I could go get you.”

“I know, but I want to go back. After all that time away, I think I'm ready. I’m doing much better than a few months ago, and it would be nice to spend time with the others before everyone goes their own way.” Kieran said confidently. “Besides, I already said goodbye to Mr. Miller and Emma, it would be kind of awkward to go back and ask to get my job back.” Kieran chuckled, making Arthur smile back at him.

It had been a big decision, but Kieran was sure of his choice. He found it easier to leave now that he had had some time to recover, and that his relationship with the other gang members had improved during the visits he had paid them over the last month and a half. He didn’t feel like he was coming back to a camp full of strangers. He could now even consider some of them friends. And being around Arthur again was just the icing on the cake.

They rode along the dusty road, past the gang’s old camp and past Radley’s Pasture, and although each day they turned into more distant memories for Kieran, he smiled as he realized he would never have to be near those two places again. He did feel a little strange once he recognized the old abandoned church in Bolger Glade, the place he had visited countless times when he was stealing for Micah. Although he didn’t have many traumatic memories of the place, it made him a little angry to remember the way Micah had used him and fooled him. Thankfully, it was all in the past now, and he didn’t have to worry about Micah or his lies anymore. 

“I think you’re gonna like the new camp.” Arthur said with a smile, pulling Kieran out of his thoughts. His smile alone was capable of bringing Kieran back to reality, and put him back in a good mood. “The house is nice, if you don’t pay too much attention to the bullet holes, broken windows and all that. I even have my own bedroom.”

“The gang is really living fancy then.” Kieran joked. 

“Oh yeah, Jack even calls it a castle.” 

It didn’t take them long to reach the trail leading up to the entrance of Shady Bell. It seemed a good enough spot, the house having been abandoned for more than a decade now. It didn’t bring many visitors, and if they did find the house, they would quickly find one of their guards pointing a gun at them, which is what Hosea was doing right now.

“Who is it?!” Hosea asked, squinting at them as they approached.

“Arthur and Kieran.” Arthur answered.

“The lovebirds are back!” Hosea smiled, relaxing his whole stance and lowering his gun. He enjoyed calling them that everytime he saw them together, it was embarrassing and Arthur had tried before to make him stop, but he eventually realized it was useless. So now all Arthur could do was blush and roll his eyes.“I’m glad you boys made it back alright.”

“Thank you, Hosea.” Kieran said awkwardly. “I-I’m glad to be here.”

“And we’re glad to have you back, son.” Hosea smiled. “Well, go get settled and get some rest before everybody starts asking you for help with their horses.” 

“Sure, see you around, Hosea.” Kieran smiled and followed Arthur towards the house, his eyes going wide at the sight of it. The property looked as worn down as Arthur had mentioned, but it was still a pretty building, and the many tents around it made it look more alive than it surely had been in a long time. 

Kieran caught a glimpse of a few friendly faces, so he waved at John and Sean from across camp as he dismounted and hitched his horse next to Arthur’s. The first few raindrops started to fall on his hat and Arthur urged him to go get inside while he got his traveling bag for him. Kieran didn’t have that many belongings, just more clothing he had recently acquired, the money he had saved from working on the ranch, some equipment and other small trinkets, a couple of gifts from Arthur included. The bag didn’t really weigh anything, but Arthur still offering to carry it for Kieran made him smile like an idiot.

Inside the house, in what once seemed to be a living room, Tilly, Mary-Beth and Karen lounged around, seemingly taking a break from their chores. Kieran stood in the doorway and cleared his throat before smiling shyly at them.

“Hello, misses.”

All three women looked up in unison and smiled back at him, greeting him with friendly tones, Mary-Beth even dropping her book to get up and hug him.

“You really came back!” She said with excitement. Kieran couldn’t help but smile widely around her, it was impossible not to be infected with her happiness, it was one of the things Kieran liked the most about her. That, and her kindness, only comparable to that of Arthur’s.

“I did, I'm glad I'll get to spend more time with all of you before you go.” Kieran said. 

“I know! I was hoping I’d get to see you too before that.” Mary-Beth smiled and squeezed him again before letting go. “But I’ll disturb you later, you must be tired from your trip.”

“Sure, let’s catch up later.” Kieran smiled and then waved at Karen and Tilly. “It’s good to see you again, misses.”

“You too, Kieran.” Tilly answered.

“Same here.” Karen grinned. “By the way, if you plan to lock yourselves in Arthur’s room for the rest of the day, just please remember we’re right here.” 

The girls chuckled, and both Kieran and Arthur’s faces went red, Arthur then rolled his eyes and started to push Kieran out of the room, towards the stairs.

“You’re one to talk, didn’t you and Sean put on a show in John’s tent a while back?” Arthur huffed at Karen.

“Oh, but we weren’t even that loud!” 

Arthur decided not to continue arguing with her, and instead, he dragged Kieran towards the stairs. Once they were out of sight, Arthur sighed and looked up at Kieran, who was still blushing and looking away.

“I’m sorry, I’ll tell her to stop making those kinds of jokes.” Arthur apologized quietly. Kieran shook his head a little and looked up at Arthur, smiling awkwardly at him.

“It’s ok, it wasn’t really mean or anything.”

“Yeah but, you’re sensitive about those topics. I don’t want people making you uncomfortable.”

Kieran’s expression softened and he smiled warmly at him. 

“It’s just teasing, Arthur. It is a bit embarrassing, sure, but I’m fine. She didn’t know anyway.”

“Alright…” Arthur sighed. “But I will tell her off if she makes more explicit jokes, you know how she can get.”

“I know.” Kieran chuckled. “Don’t worry too much about it, alright? I’m not worried.”

Arthur nodded and took Kieran’s hand, guiding him up the stairs to the second floor where his bedroom was located. Before climbing the last set of steps, Arthur looked at Kieran over his shoulder. 

“So, uh, I assumed you’d be ok with sharing my room?” Arthur said. “There’s plenty of space, but if you want more privacy you can have it and I’ll set up my tent outside, I really don’t mind.”

They reached the top of the stairs and walked to the end of the halfway, standing in front of the door to Arthur’s bedroom and beside the doors leading to the balcony. 

“I didn’t wait all this time just to come back and kick you out of the room.” Kieran chuckled, cupping Arthur's cheeks. “We can share.”

“I would love that.” Arthur smiled and opened the door, stepping to the side to let Kieran in first.

The room did look worn down, but at least it was spacious as Arthur had described. Arthur had already taken the time to decorate it with his belongings, making sure to designate a specific area for his guns and ammo. He had also brought in his bedside table, and now his map rested on top of it. On an empty bookshelf on the corner of the room, Kieran could see Arthur’s pictures and pieces of newspapers pinned onto the wood. And there in the middle of a shelf, the little glass jar with the flower inside Arthur used to keep by his bed. Kieran picked it up this time, not afraid to drop it anymore, and managed to examine it closely with a smile as Arthur clumsily tried to straighten things up a bit. Kieran then put the jar back in its place, and sat down on the bed, waiting for Arthur to join him.

“So, what do you think?” Arthur asked, flopping down on the bed next to him.

“It’s definitely better than sleeping outside.” Kieran chuckled, getting a snort out of Arthur. “It’s not bad, I just hope one day we get to move into our own place.”

“We will, I promise.” Arthur turned and pulled Kieran close for a tender kiss. It only lasted a few seconds, because they were suddenly interrupted. Just outside their window, they could hear Dutch calling for Arthur. Arthur let out a dramatic sigh and tried to ignore him for a bit before Dutch called his name again, this time more insistently, and sounding slightly annoyed. Arthur groaned and rolled his eyes.

“Just go see what he wants” Kieran laughed and playfully pushed Arthur out of the bed. “I’ll be alright.”

“I know you will, I just want to spend a bit more time with you.” Arthur pouted.

“ARTHUR!”

“For Christ’s sake!” Arthur walked over to the window and poked his head outside. “Give me a minute, damn it!”

“We have important business to discuss, boy!” 

Arthur grumbled under his breath and reached for his hat on the bedside table. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” He said to Kieran. 

“Don’t worry, take your time. I think I’m going to take a nap anyway.” Kieran said, rubbing his eyes. They had left very early that morning, and he really needed to get some rest. Arthur promised to come back later to check up on him, and with that, he kissed Kieran on the forehead and left the room. Once he was gone, Kieran took off his boots and laid down on the bed, hugging the pillow tightly and enjoying the way it still smelled of Arthur. It was a nice replacement, since Kieran wasn’t going to be able to cuddle him, but he wasn’t worried, he was certain they’d have plenty of other chances to do so. 

Coming back to the gang felt nice. That was something Kieran never thought he could say or even dare to do, but it felt good to be back, especially because of Arthur. Plus, the others had really seemed to have accepted him this time, and just like with Arthur, it was easier for Kieran to forgive them for the way they had initially treated him. It wasn’t in Kieran’s nature to hold grudges for too long anyway, and he had found that forgiving people had given him more peace of mind than any other solution could so far. Kieran figured that it also helped that this camp was brand new, free of memories of his abuser. That piece of shit had never stepped foot there, and so it was easier for Kieran to breathe and look around without getting any triggering memories.

When Kieran woke up from his nap, it was later, much later. The color of the sky outside his window told him it was at least time for lunch and he wondered if Arthur was done with whatever he was doing with Dutch. Maybe he had come back to check up on him as promised, but decided not to wake him up.

Kieran sat up on the bed and stretched, groaning a little and sighing in relief once his bones made a satisfying popping sound. He put his boots back on, and made his way downstairs to see what he could help with, and hopefully, he could also find out where Arthur had gone to.

Once outside, Kieran was happy to notice the storm had ended sometime while he slept, although now the uncomfortable humid heat was rising again, forcing him to fan himself. He looked around for a bit, hoping to find Arthur and spotting instead Mary-Beth behind Pearson’s cart, arms deep in soap water as she washed some dishes with a bored expression. Kieran walked up to her and offered to help her out. Dish washing was his least favorite chore, but he figured it would be less boring if he had some company at least, God knows Mary-Beth looked like she needed it too.

“Sleep well?” She asked with a smile, scooting over to make room for Kieran.

“Yeah, thanks. I really needed that nap.” Kieran answered as he started to roll up his sleeves, stopping immediately once he remembered the scars on his wrists. “Uhh, d-do you mind If I just dry them? I accidentally cut my finger earlier.” 

“Sure, no problem.” Mary-Beth shrugged and handed him a clean plate and a towel. “I’m so happy you’re back, even if it’s just for a few more weeks.”

“Yeah, me too.” Kieran smiled. “Arthur told me he had already looked into getting you a ticket for a boat to New York, that’s great.” 

“I know! I won’t lie, I’m pretty scared but… I think I might actually make it there.” 

“Are you going all alone?” Kieran asked worried. 

“The reverend will be joining me, I think. And supposedly Karen too, if she and Sean can make up their minds. Sean wants to go with Dutch and Hosea, so who knows what will happen.”

“I hope it all works out.”

“God, me too.” Mary-Beth sighed then handed Kieran another plate. “What about you and Arthur? You’re running away together, right? Are you getting married? Oh, it all sounds so romantic.” 

Kieran blushed and chuckled. He couldn’t deny he had at least once thought of marrying Arthur, but he felt too embarrassed by the thought of it to share it with him. After all, they hadn’t been dating for too long, and he was already that in love with him to day dream of being his husband. 

“Well, yeah… the plan is to leave and find somewhere nice and peaceful to settle in. I- I don’t really know about marriage though, guess that will have to wait.”

“To what?” She asked curiously.

“T-to… uh, to… I don’t know, to at least be in a more stable point in our lives, I guess, not being on the run from the law at least.”

“Hmm, good point.” She nodded and continued scrubbing at the plate in her hand. 

“Speaking of Arthur, do you know where he is?” Kieran asked, looking around to try to spot his boyfriend. Instead, he unluckily caught a glimpse of Bill messily eating a chicken leg with his hands on the poker table not too far from them.

“He left with Dutch and Lenny, they went to Saint Denis to check out the bank we’re planning to rob. Apparently, the plan is ready and they are just looking for any details about the building they could’ve missed. They said they would be back around dinner.”

“Oh, alright then.” Kieran shrugged, he wasn’t worried, he knew Arthur was more than capable of taking care of himself and that Dutch and Lenny would have his back should something happen. 

Once they were done with the dishes, they dried their hands and walked over to the freshly cooked pot of stew Pearson had put out and poured themselves a plate each. Kieran took a sip and raised his eyebrows in surprise, as this time it actually tasted like stew. Mary-Beth chuckled at his expression, and explained that Arthur had actually found and brought a cookbook for Mr. Pearson, who had initially been really pissed and insulted by it, but he had eventually started to peek at it and the camp’s food improved thanks to that. 

After lunch, Mary-Beth went on her break, and Kieran looked for something else to do. He offered to clean up Charles' saddle for him, to which he accepted and offered Kieran some berries he was snacking on as a thank you. Kieran grabbed a few and walked away to find a nice spot to get to work, settling on one of the little stools by the scout fire. Shortly after, Hosea joined him, patting Kieran on the back before sitting next to him. 

“Working hard already, huh?” Hosea smiled, taking a sip of the cup of coffee he held in his hand.

“Don’t wanna give the impression I just came back to laze around.” Kieran said, starting to scrub at a dirt stain on the leather. “How is the bank robbery plan going?” 

“Good, I suppose. We think it’s a solid plan. We just finished going through it with everyone this morning. I think we’re ready, now we just need to find the right moment.” Hosea said confidently.

“Oh. Is there anything I can help with?” Kieran didn’t particularly want to put a bounty on his head for participating, but if he could somehow help ensure the robbery was a success, he would do it. He didn’t know what would happen if it didn’t work.

“Staying here and protecting the camp while we go away is enough, thank you, Kieran.”

“Oh, ok.” Kieran nodded and kept working. He wondered exactly what the plan was like, and how risky it actually was. Maybe it was for the best he didn’t know, or else he would be really worried the day they went through with it… but if Arthur was participating… 

“Arthur will be just fine, don’t worry. He’ll be with Javier, John, Dutch…. they’ll have each other’s backs.” Hosea smiled reassuringly, he didn’t even have to wait for Kieran to say it out loud to know what he was worrying about. “We have a big distraction planned out. Most, if not all the police officers will be focused on me and Abigail, and we’ll be out of there before they even figure out what happened.”

“I trust you all, I really do… but it’s just… scary.” Kieran confessed. “And I don’t mean that just about Arthur, I wouldn’t want anything to happen to any of you.”

“I appreciate it, Kieran, but like I said, try not to worry too much, alright? We’ll try our best to make things work.”

Kieran nodded and tried to just focus on his current task, at least for now.

“Are you really going to Tahiti after all this is done?” Kieran asked curiously.

Hosea sighed and chuckled, shaking his head before looking at him. “No, I finally talked some sense into Dutch, I mean, a mango farm does sound appealing, but still a little unrealistic. We’re going to California, as we planned from the beginning, being reduced to a much smaller group should make it a lot easier to hide from the authorities. So long as Dutch stops picking up strays along the way, we certainly don’t want to make the same mistake as we did with…” Hosea trailed off, staring nervously at Kieran for a moment before looking away.

“You can say his name, Hosea. I’ll be fine.” Kieran mumbled as he focused on the saddle in his lap. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just trying to be considerate. How-? ...Uh, how are you feeling by the way? I’ve been meaning to ask you for some time, but I never found the right moment or the way to bring it up.”

Kieran sighed, stopping the scrubbing motion with his hand and just staring at the saddle. He knew he could just tell Hosea he didn’t want to talk about it, and he wouldn’t press him for more, but he wanted to, somehow, it was just hard getting started. Despite that, the fact that he was willing to even touch the subject gave Kieran a slight sense of pride. There used to be a time when he would avoid it at all costs.

“I, uhm, I feel fine.” Kieran awkwardly cleared his throat. “I feel better, at least better than a few months ago. I think going away helped me a lot, you know? I just really needed to get away from everything that reminded me of Micah.” Kieran spoke quietly, and without his voice breaking or choking on his words like he used to. “Being away from Arthur all this time was really hard, but I think it was worth it, because I don’t think about it as much, and I don’t feel so scared of everything, either.”

“I’m very happy to hear that, son.” Hosea smiled warmly at him, his gentle manners and tone making Kieran feel the comfort he missed from his own father. “I don’t know if you know this, but you are so strong. It must take a lot to recover from something like that.”

Kieran sighed and smiled, feeling his eyes get a little wet. He felt silly getting so emotional every time someone showed him support, but he couldn’t help it. He figured it was just the effect of having been constantly starved of it.

“Thank you… and yeah, it’s been hell. Sometimes...even with all the ‘progress’ I’ve made, I still feel like I’m nowhere near forgetting it…” Kieran confessed, shoulders slumping sadly.

“I understand, to be honest, I'm not sure something like that just goes away entirely, but I think that at some point you will just learn how not to let it define who you are. You are more than a victim, Kieran. You will always be much more than what he did to you.”

Kieran’s tears ran down his cheeks this time without him being able to stop them. He hid his face in his hands and awkwardly apologized as he tried to compose himself, but looked up when he felt something poking his shoulder. Hosea was extending his arms towards him and Kieran welcomed the hug with a smile.

“It’s gonna be ok, son. You’ll get through this, you’ll see.” Hosea comforted him. 

Kieran nodded and sniffled, reaching to wipe his tears on his sleeve.

“You know, I’m glad Arthur has you.” Hosea continued as they pulled away. “I think you are both right for each other. I haven’t seen him so happy in years.”

“Really?” Kieran smiled, getting a little flustered at his comment. He knew he looked like a fool in love around Arthur, but he didn’t know if Arthur looked the same for him, Hosea’s chuckle seemed to indicate that was the case. 

“I’ve raised that boy since he was fourteen, I would know what he looks like when he’s in love.” Hosea chuckled again and coughed a little afterwards. It was a relief to hear that, Kieran didn’t doubt Arthur whenever he told him he loved him, but there was still that insecure part inside of him that wondered if Arthur was as in love with him as he was with Arthur. If other people saw it, especially people who had known him for far longer than Kieran had, then it must be true.

“Kieran!” A familiar voice called. The sound of Arthur’s voice made Kieran immediately break into a smile. “You gotta see what we caught!“ Arthur walked up to them, panting and looking sweaty and muddy all over as he approached with a smile, he paused for a moment, doubling over as he caught his breath.

“Jesus, what happened to you, Arthur?” Hosea asked, taking in his disheveled appearance.

“We stopped on our way back from Saint Denis because we found the tracks of a huge boar near the swamps, so we followed it and we actually caught it!” Arthur said with excitement. “It’s the biggest one I've ever seen, we even had to rob a cart to bring it over!”

“Oh! Then we better go take a look.” Hosea stood up with a groan, dusting off his pants and walking towards where all the commotion was coming from. Arthur turned to Kieran and offered him his hand to help him up.

“You look like you had a lot of fun.” Kieran chuckled, wiping a stain of mud off of Arthur’s cheek and nose with his sleeve. It barely helped Arthur’s general appearance, since it looked like he had been crawling on mud.

“It was fun, although Lenny and I did most of the job. You should’ve seen Dutch though, he was shitting his pants the whole time.” Arthur laughed and took Kieran’s hand, guiding him proudly to see the result of his impromptu hunting trip.


End file.
